smoking section

I live in a town that has all but banned indoor smoking in public places, so unless there is a bar, you won't run into too much indoor smoking. As Robyn and I were enjoying a rare weekend meal at a restraunt, we detected the foul stench of cigarette smoke. I was about to comment on what kind of gutter trash goes to a non-smoking restraunt and lights up, but Robyn stopped me. It does stand to reason that it takes a certain level of trash to be so inconsiderate as to disregard other peoples allergies in lieu of you own addictions. That being said, I have no problem with tobacco use. I do not tend to use tobacco products myself, but I support free will in choosing to use whatever it is that you preferr. Mainly, I just wish that if it were a vise that is residually harmful to others, you would do it away from those who would rather not partake. The problem with this thinking is there will always be some jackass with a cavalier attitude toward whatever they are doing. "It ain't bothering you" No, asshole, it is not bothering YOU. If it were not bothering me, I would not have said anything, now would I?

Motorcycle

I want another bike. I miss riding horribly. When I was delivering pizza, I hated driving of any type and as a result, I let my motorcyle go for a stupid price. There were times I could have really used that bike too. I keep telling myself when I get done with school I'll get another one. I'll have a lot more resposibilities by then, so I don't know if I can keep that promise.

New Year?

I have been guilty of making New Year's resolutions because it is just what you do. Most of mine go the way of the dodo bird, as do they all. However, this yearI was able to keep a few.

1. Go back to college. I did that, working on that BA in forensics.
2. Get in better shape. I began exercising regularly and I am in much better shape than I was in a year ago. I'm not athlete by any stretch, but I might get there this year.

I think it's funny how people see a difference in one day over the other. On Dec 31...nothing, but on January 1, it's a new year time to change my life, it's a fresh start. Says who? Come tomorrow, you'll owe the same bills, you'll weigh the same, look the same feel the same. Anything, good or bad, will still be yours tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I like the course I'm going. I don't need your stinking resolutions.

day dreaming

As I am pretty broke, I can't do everything I'd like. I realized when I got my surplus tution check that an extra $800 one time isn't verry much, but as a regular part of my cash flow, it would be awesome. Spent wisely, it would take no time at all to straighen out my affairs and make forward progress. I dream about the things I can do when I finish school. Cookouts, motorcycles, vacations, new cars, nice clothes.....a family. Normal stuff is kinda nice when you haven't had it forever.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Yep, times has changed me. I've made a lot of major changes recently that I'm pretty happy with. By the time all is said and done with, I'm not too sure I'll even recognize myself. Priorities are different and such. I've accomplished a few goals....a few I have been lax on. I'm going ahead and making a few resolutions for the new year to help remedy that.

1. Fitness. Although I have been lifting regularly, I have not achieved the goals I had hoped for and I plan on changing that. I'm upping my exercise and will attempt to be in prime shape by June.

2. I'll finish the work on the Ranger by Summer and have another car in decent running shape too.

3. I'll keep the course in school and prepare to be finished in May '08

4. Speaking of school, I'll stay on top of my studies and not allow myself to get behind. I could have possibly had A's instead of B's had I not allowed myself to get behind.

5. I'm going to keep myself, my home, and my vehicles up as well as I can. Going back to the "hot damn" instead of "god damn" as the desired response when others see me or my property.

Big things that take small steps and yield major results.

Final grades in.......

I made straight B's......not too bad for an old under-achiever going back to school after a long hiatus. I feel more confident than ever that I can do this. May '08, degree......September '08, normal life ahoy. Basically 22 months and counting.

'Quillin.....

I've been sick all week. As a result, I have been dosing with NyQuil and DayQuil. Niether actually make me feel better, but I just didn't mind feeling sick so much. I've managed to do all of my X-mas shopping except two items and I'm slowly recovering, so all's well that ends well, but I'm still very weak.

You're Still Gonna Die

So you're takin' better care of your body
Becoming more aware of your body.
Responding to your body's needs.
Everything you hear and read about diets,
Nutrition and sleeping position and detoxifying your system,
And buying machines that they advertise to help you exercise.
Herbs to revitalize you if you're traumatized.
Soaps that will sanitize.
Sprays to deordorize.
Liquid to neutralize acids and pesticides.
Free weights to maximize your strength and muscle size.
Shots that will immunize.
Pills to re-energize you.

But remember that for all your pain and gain
Eventually the story ends the same...

You can quite smokin', but you're still gonna die.
Cut out cokin', but you're still gonna die.
Eliminate everything fatty or fried,
And you get real healthy, but you're still gonna die.
Stop drinkin' booze, you're still gonna die.
Stay away from cooze, you're still gonna die.
You can cut out coffee and never get high,
But you're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.

You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
You can even give aerobics one more try,
But when the music stops playin', you're still gonna die.
Put seat belts in your car, you're still gonna die.
Cut nicotine tar, you're still gonna die.
You can exercise that cellulite off your thigh.
Get slimmer and trimmer, but you're still gonna die.
Stop gettin' a tan, you're still gonna die.
You can search for UFO's up in the sky
They might fly you to Mars where you're still gonna die.

You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
And all the Reeboks and Nikes and Adidas you buy
You can jog up to heaven and you're still gonna die.

Drink ginseng tonics, you're still gonna die.
Try high colonics, you're still gonna die.
You can have yourself frozen and suspended in time,
But when they do thaw you out, you're still gonna die.
You can have safe sex, you're still gonna die.
You can switch to Crest, you're still gonna die.
You can get rid of stress, get a lot of rest,
Get an AIDS test, enroll in EST,
Move out west where it's sunny and dry
And you'll live to be a hundred
But you're still gonna die.

You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
So you'd better have some fun
'Fore you say bye-bye,
'Cause you're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.

~Shel Silverstein

memoirs of punishment:the ISS diaries

I told my music professor, who was an editor for Rolling Stones magazine and a freelance writer, about my job he said it sounds interesting. Not so much in the day to day, but the details and the "behind the scenes" look at schools and the kids. He told me if I wrote it up he'd proof read it for me. I always said I needed an editor. But wow, to write a book and possibly get recognition for it (or money) just excites me to no end. I wish I had time to write it. But I'll try to eek out a few notes as to what happens and see how far I can get in a year.

thin ice

I'm behind on my studies with less than 3 days to prepare for an exam. I'm pretty sure I'll do ok on the final, but I'd like to be a bit more prepared. I'll know better next semester how to pace myself and not fall behind. Even for doing it "for real" at an honest-to-God 4-year college, I didn't do to bad for my first semester. I got my AA degree at a community college, a crappy one at that. I didn't really put forth any effort to get my degree. So going at it for real is an effort I'm not used to exerting.

Maybe the reason I've never done well is because I never had the need to apply myself. I always just figured my life was meant to be a pointless waste. I never thought about tomorrow. Hell, I always thought I'd be dead by 30. I guess that was wrong, and here I am with nothing to show for my time put in. Most of the aasumptions I had about life and what matters were wrong. I think I got it now.

Life means so much more when it's a shared experience.

The final stretch

The end of my first semester is rapidly approaching. I'm almost caught up with everything. It looks as though I'll be doing good in everything....A's and B's.
I set my self up for a good dose of misery next semester, all three of my classes are science classes. I'm taking one traditional and two fast track. Fast track courses are shorter, concentrated classes that finish up in half a semester. I'll only be taking two classes at a time, but I'll get three total....Just enough to be considered full-time.

It's not so bad, going to school full-time and working. I'd like more than one or two days off a month, but short-term sacrifices are needed for long-term success. I'm aiming for quality of life here, and being able to make double my current income would be a step in the right direction.

Weekends off, chilling at the house all through the holidays, vacations....Oh hell yeah, I can do that

thanks, boy

I was pumping gas today, being very nice to the old man at the service station. After we completed the transaction, he smiled and said "Thanks, boy" as he pulled off. Now I understand, that little phrase was like a shot of ice water in my face. He meant well, but it was still very insulting to me. Words hold a certain power and sway,but are often used so carelessly.

Janis Joplin Live- Ball & Chain

1967 Monterey Pop Festival. This is where she was "discovered". Mama Cass is in the crowd and was just blown away by Janis. If this was to day, Janis would have never been discovered. Her performances were explosive and dripping with emotion with a raw power that is just not present in modern music.

portishead - glory box live

Portishead is one of my favorite bands ever. Great live shows, great albums, not a hugely successful band. Why? Beth Gibbons. The sultry voice of Portishead reminds me of Janis Joplin in many ways. So talented....so ugly. Beth has a voice that is like slipping into a warm, velvety dream....but she has a face that could make a freight train turn down a dirt road.
Doesn't really matter to me, I own their albums, but that is what is wrong with the music industry. They package the look and get the sound later. Most people will just plug into whatever is on MTV and never try to find something that could really make them feel.

ranger diaries...revalation

Having a decent-looking car does wonders for your ego. Having something to improve on is great.

I washed my truck last night and a guy at the carwash came up and told me how much he liked it. Yeah, I see now why people get into fixing cars...it's a form of self-gratification....kind of like masturbation.

Got my stereo, antenna, tires, and mirrors. I went with a Pioneer, my personal favorite. I'll need better speakers eventually, but not yet.

I really needed good tires on the Ranger. It was like riding a horse and buggy, and certainly not fit for running down interstate. I was able to get BF Goodrich Radial T/A's for it and they make all the difference in the world.

My chrome mirrors came in and they are really good for that truck. With older cars, I think it's hard to put too much chrome on them. I need my front bumper.

There is a downside to messing with older vehicles.....everything breaks. The brakes are weak, so while putting on the tires, I elected to replace the front calipers. The brake lines didn't match up. The nearest matching calipers were 40 miles away, so I got new front brake lines. While bleeding them, the rear line ruptures. Crappy luck, but better in the shop that going down interstate...so I guess I am lucky. I had metal brake line, but no flange kit. Bought a flange kit....it was stripped :-/ so had to get a new one. A cheap, hour-long job tuned into an expensive, 8 hour nightmare. But it was worth it to discover that bad brake line. If I had been going down interstate at 70 mph, I might have died due to that brake failure. I think my back drums are still screwed, but that will have to be another time. The new front brakes made a major difference, and with the new tires, it will scoot down interstate....mission accomplished. I'm going to finish the exerior before I start the interior......more to come.

Kiwi!

I think I understand this.



All die, not everyone truly lives...

extra funds....what to do?

I have found out that not only do I not owe extra money at college, I recieved a grant over and above my tution and there is a check waiting for me at the student accounts office. I've decided to spend it. There are so many things I need right now and some stuff that would just make my life easier. I'd like a laptop, but I'm not sure if I should get one. I know if I don't spend it on something big, it will just get eaten up by small bills and I'll have nothing to show for it. I'm not at the stage in my life where I can hold back money. I know of a few bigger things I'd like to get with a nice wad of extra cash.

I'm under 250. My Xmas goal of 210 might have been a reach. I'm still losing at least a pound every week, so perhaps I can get to 225. I was able to see past my gut while sitting....big ego boost.

the world of tomorrow

I was looking around the internet yesterday and saw all this advanced technology that facinates me to no end. They have robots out that can keep your carpet clean, called a roomba. They even made a version to scrub your tile floors. I want to see more. I did some more research and saw Honda is making a rather advanced robot that can walk, shake hands, avoid obsticles and recognize voices. I want to see the day when my meanial tasks are done by robots. Washed dishes, laundry cleaned and folded, yard mowed and so forth. I know that the technology will be in my lifetime, computers are almost doubling in power and capacity every year, power supplies get smaller. It isn't unreasonable to think we could have personal assistant robots in the near future. The question is, how advanced do we really want them? How far do yu want to trust the technology? How much would yu be willing to let them do for you?

I could see legislation passed to limit the power of robots and their function. You don't want a robot driving down the highway at 80 mph do you? Who would use their personal robots for nefarious reasons? Rig one with a bomb and send it off to sew chaos. Maybe they would be confined to a residence. If they were so advanced, perhaps it would make certain jobs at risk. Why hire some rotten kid to run the register at McDonald's when you can have a robot that will never get the order wrong and never miscount the change. It also never needs a break and won't quit or call in sick. I guess all those displaced in the workforce could get jobs programming and repairing robots. But what if we build a robot to do that? How ironic is the job to service the servant?

I guess I've grown older and saw the negative side of things. People will always find a corrupt way to do things. I guess one man's idea for a utopia free from menial chores, is another man's opportunity to harm others with the very same tool. I guess it just the same as a hammer. The very tool used to build a home can be the same tool to kill another. The potential is determined by the wielder.

fall break....gone!

I had a week off from classes and workouts and still managed to get nothing done. My truck is running, albeit somewhat buggy. I'm confident it will be an excellent vehicle. I had to replace the started on my car and really tore up my thumb in the process. But that's ok, blood is an excellent degreaser and the main tool in any garage is blasphemey.

Anyway, I'm starting up my normal grind again, and getting ready to finish out this semester and begin another in January. I'll be talking to a counsellor soon to see what I can do to finish up. I want to knock all of the hard stuff out while I'm fresh and coast on electives at the end.

V

Last night I watched V for Vendetta. I believe it is one of the best movies I've ever seen. The movie is set in a near-future England. War, disease, and national panic allowed England to become a totalitarian state with secret police, state-ran everything propaganda and distrust at every turn. To make matters worse, it seems as though nearly every facet of the government is corrupt.

Along comes V, a solitary figure that dresses in a Guy Fawkes costume who begins a terrorist-like agenda to wake the population of England and allow them to fight for their freedom.

Along the way, we have a detective, perhaps the last honest one in the whole country, trying to piece together the whos and whys of V. There is a pseudo-love interest played by Natalie Portman. Unlike her dismal Star Wars portrayal, she really shines here.

I don't believe this movie is for everyone. It is far too intelligent and deals with a touchy matter. V is both a villain and a victim. He is a murderous terrorist with vengeful plot. He takes down the people who made him what he became. In a post-9/11 world, bombings and plots to subvert the government are a little uncomfortable subject material.

I find myself thinking of Benjamin Franklin. "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase some temporary safety deserve neither"(paraphrased).

Either way, it is defiantly worth watching.

just plain filthy

My friend and co-woker at the gas station has been out of town for the past few days and it is nasty in here. You can tell when he's not here. I'm suprized, shocked actually, that the other employees(who are either relatives or near-family) would disrespect the owner to the point that they have. I barely know him and don't really like working here, but he's more than generous to me and I'd be ashamed to do what the "good" employees are doing. Which is next to nothing.

changes

I think I'm going through a change. I cannot define it nor can I tell where it will take me, but I am becoming a different person either way....I can feel it. Maybe all the things I am doing to improve my life are making me learn something about myself. I've spent 32 years feeling out of place in my own life and I'm just beginning to see where I belong. I don't know. I think school has jump-started my brain though. I was kind of shriveling up from not challenging myself.

I know that I don't think I've ever been happy once in my life. I don't define my life in terms of happiness, because I know for a fact life should not be 24/7 happiness, but a little bit would be nice. At least a bit that didn't come with a heap of misery behind it. Maybe I'm afraid to be happy. The closest I've come to happy in months is having my truck home. I can drive it, carry stuff around, and enjoy it in general. It's not even in great shape and has a long way to go before anyone other than me would want it, but I've wanted a little pickup for the longest time and now I have one. I even feel half-ashamed that I did get a bit of a smile when I was driving it this afternoon. People shouldn't get joy from material possessions.

Working out has changed me too. I have a long way to go, but I'm pretty much in the best shape I've seem in 12 years. I will eventually get to the flat belly and what not, but in the meantime......

There is something missing though, and has been for awhile. I won't go into detail. Although this is my Soapbox of the Soul, there are something I will not openly disclose. That is something I hope will workout too.

yin and yang

Why does it always seem like bad things come by themselves, but the good is always accompanied by more bad?

I got the Ranger home, other than a few quirks, it will be all good. Then my job......I gave a football player afterschool detention on the day of a game. Not mailiciously mind you, but he just had earned that punishment and it just so happened to fall on a game day. If he'd asked, I would have re-scheduled. It wasn't a huge issue at all. But he didn't, he skipped, and was in the game. From first report, a teacher gave him permission and no teacher has that authority. I don't get paid as much as a teacher, and I'm not too keen on the idea that a teacher may have ignored discipline procedure for what ever reason.

So here I am. On a day I should be happy and excited, I'm just mad as hell. I couldn't sleep well last night for being so upset and overslept for work.

ranger diaries update

The truck is reassembled, but still missing a few parts. It should be road ready tomorrow. I want to drive it, but I'm willing to wait and make sure it is right. This will most likely be one of the last ranger diaries updates, maybe not......

Dylan

I have discovered Bob Dylan through my music elective at GC. I always though of Dylan as an over-hyped joke. As required listening, I had to listen to a few Dylan songs. Now I see what the fuss is over. The music is pretty much mediocre on good days. But the lyrics were inspiring and thought provoking. It is so to the point and exact it's almost lewd, like the thoughts that you wanted to say but never had the courage, and he says it in such a calm, matter-of-fact way. Not all of his songs are that way, but they all make you feel.

Light at the end of the tunnel

The ranger will most likely be done in a few days. It will most likely be a great running vehicle for a long time to come.

I'm passing all my college classes, roughly B grades. I made a very high C on the botany mid-term. I know I can do this now.

I lost a notch on my belt. that means I losing some fat. My exercise and diet is paying off.

Sometimes you need a big confidence booster. You have to know what you are doing is making a difference to give you the motivation needed to do what has to be done.

I got just that this week.

coming in dead last....

A person I despise gave me an great quote about 7 years ago. No matter how you train him, a jackass will never win the Kentucy Derby. Today was a hee haw kinda day for me. I begining to wonder if got myself in over my head. Hell, I'm not even sure why I'm doing all this anymore. Oh yeah, money.......without more money I won't ever have anything.

ranger dairy update

Ah bitter disappointment. It appears my truck has a bad head gasket and more work must be done to get her a-runnin'. A setback, but I have most all the parts to replace if needed, but damn, I wanted to be done and driving it.

rabbit food

As part of my ongoing health/fitness issue, I've added a new step this month.... salad. *shudder*

For the entire month of October, I will eat a salad for lunch nearly everyday while at school. I don't really care for salad, but I need green, leafy vegetables. A few less fat calories during the day won't hurt either. Vegetables, raw no less, is just so unsatisfying for meals. I like grease and fat. I like meat. I like eating hot foods.

Since officially starting a gym, I've dropped 10 lbs. I've not felt this good in a awhile. I've lost upward of 30 dieting, but it was always unsatisfying and unmaintainable. I'm changing my lifestyle one bad habit at a time. I'll admit, I'd like to see some results in my waistline, but one thing at a time.

ranger diary update

I actually was able to drive my long-dormant truck. To hear it fire up for the first time was very exciting. It still needs tweeking and tuning, and it especially need some driving as we are quite sure it has old gas in the tank. There will be a can of dry gas and a tank of premium in the very near future, as well as an oil change and some oil treatment.

Paul has a theory, if you were to put at least half a car payment in your car fixing it up every month, within a year you damn near have a new car. A hudred a month in an 85 ford ranger will make it a new vehicle very quickly. If I can keep it running for a bit and looking good, it might become the V8 ranger I've wanted for a few years. We'll see.

aging

I guess age is sneaking up on me. I notice I'm getting wrinkles, the kids I'm getting at school I knew their parents when I was in school. I'm usually the "old guy" in the classes at GC. How did I let time get past me so quickly?

One year lost is a shame, but I feel like I've wasted 12 years of my life. I have nothing to show for my entire adult life.....nothing. I want the same things everybody else wants. A nice, relatively normal life. I want someone to come home to other than my over-dramatic pet cat. I want to have weekend trips, dinners out...Hell, I'd love to have a few nice dinners IN.

Damn, why didn't I try harder when I was younger?

check, please?

I'm sick of school already, college and work. I have an A and a B, but the other one has no grade yet, so I feel I'm doing well, I'm just so tired. I should probably working on my botany stuff. I have the midterm exam in a few weeks and it promises to be a tough one. I don't know if I'm prepared. I feel great about my first lab report and I actually enjoy them. The hands-on helps the awkward terms sink in.

My workouts have suffered because of school. I still exercise and I'm making progress, but my odd schedule makes keeping up a healthy diet and regular workouts hard. I was going to start eating the school salads, but they have no mayo-free dressings and I no longer have a fridge to keep any, so there I am.

The truck is so close to completion, I can barely stand it. To make the interior look as decent as the exterior, I'll need about $500 worth of work to it. I need it to be road worthy. I have alot of junk to haul off.

I don't know what's up with the gaming group, we haven;'t been able to play in close to a month, but I have enjoyed my alternate plans. I think I'd almost rather it not re-commence for now, I just don't want to be the one to do it.

On the car front, I've had to put a door, brake lines and tires on my car. I'm pretty much Doby's indentured servant right now, seeing as how I had to charge everything to the store.

I guess the thing that really has me down is that I'm just not satisfied with work, life, or myself in general. It's like I'm on a set path to an unknown journey and I'm not even sure if it's worth the effort. My journey towards self-fufillment seems to be so stressful and my be costing me more than I'm wanting to pay.

the ranger diaries update

The cabuerator needs to be rebuilt, and I need mirrors, a grille, and a pair of headlights and it should be in running shape by then. From there, I fix up the interior and put in a bedliner. If it all goes down, that pickup will be the nicest looking vehicle I've owned in about 8 years.

I've never had any problems with driving jalopies, as long as they run well. My current POS runs very well and gets decent interstate mileage, too bad the drivers-side windows don't roll up. I guess I need to take care of that before Winter. I've decided against trying to retro-fit it with A/C for right now. I've gone a long time without it and I can live without it for the time being.

how much sand?

Although I glad I'm in school, I regret waiting so long to go back. I'm not a young man anymore and I'm tired most of the time. I eat to keep calories in my body, usually on the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through.

I seem to be most successful when I don't think too much about what I'm doing. I just do what I know needs to be done.

I'm trying to find a midground during my school days, to discover there is none to be had. There are only my needs and no time for wants. I don't even know why I'm feeling so down right now, I knew this was going to be the way everything was going to happen.

I get happy when I imagine myself marching for my degree. Chances are by that time, you won't march at all. You'll go listen to a speech and go home.

I'll take what I can get.

how much sand?

Although I glad I'm in school, I regret waiting so long to go back. I'm not a young man anymore and I'm tired most of the time. I eat to keep calories in my body, usually on the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through.

I seem to be most successful when I don't think too much about what I'm doing. I just do what I know needs to be done.

I'm trying to find a mid ground during my school days, to discover there is none to be had. There are only my needs and no time for wants. I don't even know why I'm feeling so down right now, I knew this was going to be the way everything was going to happen.

I get happy when I imagine myself marching for my degree. Chances are by that time, you won't march at all. You'll go listen to a speech and go home.

I'll take what I can get.

I feel so many things changing in my life, some of them I'm not too sure I like.

dandelions

I like dandelions. A tough little flower, just a weed to most. I've seen one grow in a crack between pavement in a parking lot and thrive. You just have to respect that kind of resilience.

dreams......

I had a long day at the service station. I tend to daydream there. I pass the time by thinking about how nice it will be in two years, after school. I will have completed my 5 year goal....about a year later than expected, but I didn't for see everything that would happen. I think about my little home in the country, Summer vacations that are eventful(in a good way). I dream of a home and family.

It's amazing how someone else's dream can become your own. Sometimes I wonder what my dreams were. Did I ever really have any?

my brain hurts

I've officially gone to all my classes as of today. I now realize how much of a sacrifice I must make to get this degree. Two years of writing papers, spending my spare time wracking my brains out over notes and books that are about as exciting as snail porn.

First was "History of Rock and Roll". The teacher was an editor for Rolling Stones magazine, and had some integral role in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Easy survey class from what I can tell.

Second was "Intro to Criminal Justice". Harder class, a bit more writing intensive, but the teacher is an animated Jamaican woman and I can gather the class will be interesting.

Third was "General Botany". This is going to be the rough one. People left his earlier class looking like they had their asses handed to them. A vacant, yet defeated look in each ones eyes. A true roadblock professor.

I drove home tonight wondering exactly what had I done to myself and what am I going to do. The answer was simple. I've made an investment in my future at the sacrifice of the present and I'll do what must be done to pass and get my degree so that I can afford a decent quality of life.

In two years, when one more framed diploma is on my wall, and I am able to fulfill a few dreams and keep a few long due promises, I'll hope what I'm doing right now will be appreciated.

really big day

Tommorow I go to college to "check in". I basicly sign away the next two years of free time for a chance at a better future. I also have to get a tetnus shot to update my immunization records. Lucky me. They are free tomorrow at the check in. I'm not even sure how I feel.

Went to visit the ranger today. They were actually working on it and it only looks like a matter of time before they are done with the actual bodywork. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the finished product. The wheels I wanted are already on it and they had since completed the wreck damage removal. I want to see it all together.

dark days ahead

I'm starting to watch my calories. A guy my size that works out as much as I do can consume roughly 3500 - 3700 calories a day and maintain weight, so to lose pounds, I need to consume fewer calories and make healthy choices for most of my meals. For the most part, I've done pretty good this week. I did poorly last night. I'm not going to be in "awesome" shape before school starts, but if I keep the current regiment up, I'll be close to 200 lbs before Christmas.

Between here and Christmas, I have my first semester at Guilford College. I'll be going 3 nights a week and I'll still be working full time for the school, part time at the gas station. I'm exhausted just thinking about what needs to be done.

I had a dream last night. The guy who said he was going to give me a chunk of his lottery winnings came through. I went to some generic casino somewhere that gambling is obviously legal, took a third of what he gave me and made a small fortune out of it. I wasn't able to live like a king, but it was enough to do everything I wanted to do and have enough cash left over to be comfortable. I wish I could interpret that into something meaningful. I can only assume it means some risk will be involved in the days ahead.

Life can be a gamble, to get the big prizes, you must take the big risks. So many parts of my life are up in the air and where will I be when this is over?

promises, promises, promises

This past Sunday, I was quite busy. During a stint in which I had Uhaul customers in the store, both bays full of customers, and a tire repair waiting. Some guy pulls up in a krylon-white early 90's Lemans POS asking for a used tire. We don't generally carry those tires and didn't have anything for him then either. I sent him to the nearest place for used tires. End of story, or so I thought.

After a day of getting my ass handed to me, I'm in the middle of unhooking a uhaul trailer and used tire guy comes back. I assume he wants me to put a tire on his raggedey car. I was wrong. He proceeded to tell me that he went where I told him to go and bought a lottery ticket after he got his tire. The ticket was a jackpot winner: $77,777, and since he would have never gone there with out my direction, he felt he owed me some money from it.

At this point, I would have figured he wanted something, but he showed me the winning ticket. And I thought "Wow, I might have a lucky day." He gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him and he woulod meet up with me after he got the money to give me a cut.

Today is Thursday, after 3 attempts to call him, I'm going to assume he got that money and decided that it would be better to spend it all himself. Moral : Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

It wasn't a big let down, I wasn't really expecting him to give me anything. Also, my life has been so filled with letdowns, broken promises, and screw jobs that this one really had no effect.

....but it is an interesting story.

the gym.......

Finally took the big step and joined a real gym this past week. It was perhaps the best choice I've made in awhile. I hurt in all manner of ways I never thought possible. I see this as the fuel I need to get to the next level of fitness. It's amazing how much you can hurt yourself when you have the right equipment.

There are cheaper places to workout, but the hours and the atmosphere are top notch. I can't imagine a much better setup. Usually the place is near empty and when it's not, the people are nice.

service station blues

Working at a service station is not so bad, but it sure gets hot and miserable. Imagine changing oil on a car when it's about 100 outside. People yell and bitch all day, but they give Paul more Hell than me. I think people fear bald white men. We got that "I could snap and take you with me" vibe. How else can you understand someone who's idea of grooming is to run a razorblade all over their head? Me, I'm just sick of looking like a monk.

I've worked all weekend and I'm tired. I went to bed sore and in pain. The pain woke me up several times during the night, so I'm miserably tired today. I need to go shopping, but I won't go alone.

I think I'll be joining a gym this week. Maybe I'll get a little fat off to accentuate all the muscle I've been growing.

Smooooooooooth

Last Sunday night, I finally shaved my head, or should I say Robyn shaved it for me. I like the way it looks, not too sure anout how it feels yet. I've been curious for years. I'm not too sure anyone gives a damn what my head looks like. There's the initial shock value of everyone seeing it for the first time and that's fun. I got a little irritation on the back of my head and it was weird sleeping on it the first time.

I bought a headblade so I could do it my self. I realized after my next shave how much of an undertaking this new look could be. I should probably invest in an electric razor to keep my head touched up between razor shavings. Hell, I'm starting to wonder if a local barber will do a straight razor shave for "special occasions".

It goes back to my last topic of selling something to the world. There are so many products out there for people who shave their heads that it's almost silly. And I'm tired......

SPLOG

spam + blog = splog. Not an altogether new idea, I'm just bored and decided to write on it. It makes me realize that no matter what you do or have or want. Somebody wants to make money off of it. Usually they want to make money off of it in the most vile way possible.

Losing hair and feeling bad? Rogaine, Propecia, Hair Club for Men, toupees, vitamins, spray paint, hair plugs, and probably a thousand more.

Fat? You got diets, gyms pill, shakes, liposuction, and God knows what else.

Lonley? Take your pick, we got dating services, phone sex, porn....

The solution for anything that makes you feel bad about yourself is here and they make a gut punch with BS testimonials about how bad they felt before and how great they feel now. Operators are standing by to separate you from your hard earned money.

Just when I think it couldn't get much worse, I get splogs. Somebody rolls up and says "Hey! Love your blog. Very interesting. Check mine out." If do, it's a splog. They are trying to sell you something.

Even though my blog is a public forum for my personal thoughts, it feels like a personal violation when I'm here being open and honest and someone is trying to help me meet singles in my area. The sad part is it usually isn't even a person, but rather a program looking through blogs for keywords and sends spam out. Doesn't always work too well, one time I made a comment about going for a swim in water so cold it made me instantly flacid, I was splogged for viagra.

I guess it just comes with the territory. But if sploggers have ruined your blogging experience, email me for more more information on "splog-X" splog filter. Send no money now, operators are standing by.

Selling out pays well.

Saturday blah...

I've been laboring under the desire to be free on my Saturdays. Actually, I want the whole damn weekend. But having free Saturdays is a good start.

My idea is in consideration of all the things I can go do & get acomplished with the free time. I'd be just a bit closer to normal. I did everything I cared to do today, and now what? Robyn is at work and nobody really wants to do anything else. I'm too broke to go anywhere. I guess I could mow my lawn & clean up a bit. I could work on making my back porch less of a clusterfuck. I should have a great work truck to do just that very soon. I could go get a powerball lottery ticket and hope for the best.

If I win, then what? Sit around with nothing to do. I don't drink or smoke. I don't party or travel. So what then?

ranger diary update

My free wrecked truck runs and runs well. Seems like the body work to make it road worthy will be fairly cheap. I'm looking forward to it. Can it be possible that this could actually go well?

Dear online diary

After taking a week hiatus, Paul and I are back in the gym. I'm nice and sore too. Every three weeks or so, it's a good idea to take a week off to let everything rest and grow. I've lost 5 lbs.. I can only attribute the loss to the extra biking. I've been lax on it this week as the recent heatwave might kill me. I really would like to lose about 25 lbs before school starts. Five a week will more than do it.

On the topic of lifting, my wrists are starting to give me problems and I now have to wrap them to lift. I think I need my wrist wraps when I bike too. Now what to do about my achey shoulder. I guess I'm just not 18 anymore.....

Starting in August, I'll most likely join a real gym. I wanted to prove I'd actually do it, instead of wasting my cash on a membership. If so, I'll get my extra bedroom back.

I shaved my head. I like it, Robyn hates it. I'm tired of fighting my hair or lack thereof. I'm 32 and unfortunately more bald than a man my age should be. I'm sick of fighting it and it's kind of embarrassing too. My head is clipper shaved, not razor shaved. I'll probably try the old razor shave by Friday

the soon to infamous ranger diaries

By this weekend, I should have all three Rangers in one spot. The charred, the wrecked, and the altogether dysfunctional. From there, we see which to pick and choose from to create Frankenranger; an abomination made from the parts of dead Rangers. The story of Frankenstein ends in tragedy. Let's be optimistic.

This is to a site were a guy made a very nice Ranger V-8 conversion and shows a bit of what is involved. I may not do it now, but the end result look fun as hell.

Notes of a slow Sunday

I stayed up too late last night.
My legs feel like rubber and my ass feels like lead.
I was left with no change in the rgister....again.
I went next door to get the only $20 bill broken into a ten and two fives. I'm still screwed.
If I don't get any cash buisiness today, I won't be able to pay myself.

*yawn*

After lunch:
Coated in grease and sweat.
Working on putting tire on a rolling abomination. RA is winning.
People come in droves for two hours.
I barely get stuff ready to close in time.
Register is full of money.
Decent turn around, all things considered.
Can't leave fast enough.

*groan*

ranger diaries update

My new find, ranger #3 is salvageable. If it is in running shape as was mentioned before, we have a project truck. This could very well become the kick around toy truck I've been wanting since the first ranger. Oh, the visions and dreams going through my head.

half a life

A person very close to is very upset because she sees now that the person that has been like a father to her half her life is a hypocrit. She's benn scorned and spurned all of her life and never felt at home no matter where she was. I think that is the scource of all her shortcomings.

Sometimes step-kids have it rough. You never feel like you belong and half of what makes you what you are is not around. You have a step parent who loves your parent and usually either doesn't really care about you, or infact, hates you. Everything you do will be wrong because that step-parent cannot see themselves in you. Maybe that's why the people who made up religon said married people should stay together no matter what.

I feel her pain but I've learned to accept it. I know I can't change the people around me, or how they feel about me. That doesn't change me as a person or who I am. I refuse to feel bitter about what has happened or let it stop me from being the best person I can be.

Everybody's life is a little screwed up these days and it's getting harder and harder to know what normal is anymore. If it's at all possible, I want to find it and live it.

the ranger diaries

I think in my fervor to get a pickup, I've been drawn into the Ford Ranger Zone. It's kind of like the Twilight Zone, just as weird and full of twists and misfortune. Last night, Paul called and said "Hey, you interested in a free pickup?" The answer is HELL YEAH! I had to pull 500 marionette's worth of strings to make it happen, but an old face from the past came through. Thank you very much.

Ranger #1 1985 2.0 carburated 5-speed short bed - The body was in great shape, it just needed a little TLC and engine work, it even had an old set of Cragar wheels that were appropriate for the age of the truck. I gave $600 for it and at the time I felt it was worth it. I was going to re-do the interior, put in a spray-in bed liner, and paint the old bumpers & grill black. I would have eventually put in a 302 to make it a hot rod. It *would* have been a great little work truck.

It was hit in front of my house (on a damn dead end)and nobody claimed responsibility for the wreck. It was due to have the entire top end reworked and caught fire the day I was to take it there. Very little was salvageable, but I saved the truck just in case.

Ranger #2 1985 2.3 efi auto long bed - Bought this one for $200 It's flat black and the obvious problem is some random emissions problem that I neither have the time, money, or patience to repair. So it sits, mainly because the guy who might could repair it, would rather get the money from converting it to a V8 and that's just not an option right now.

Ranger #3 1985 (see a pattern?)2.0 carburated 5-speed long bed. The free truck. Who ever was working on this one had the same idea I had for #1. It had a newer models seats and door skins. It has front end wreck damage that may or may not be fixable. It seems to want to run, but I really don't know enough about it yet. The paint was a really cool shade of dark blue and if it runs, I'll have enough now to form Voltron! ....I mean make a single decent running truck. I won't know for awhile yet.

More to come

Workout journal...15 weeks

Four months in and going strong(er). I've expanded my cardio work to doing an hour or more of cycling 3 times a week. Hopefully the fat will come off now.

They say if you do it right, 6 months will be the major point at which the difference is noticable. Paul and I are at week 15, 11 weeks from the "big goal". I saw a website where a guy went from my weight & shape, to not too darn shabby in 6 months. It took him several years to get where he wanted to be,but he was looking pretty damn decent after 26 weeks.

The bad part is my wrists are getting to the point I need to wrap them. My left wrist started hurting first and I bought a wrap for it, next day, my right wrist is hurting! I wonder if this is what they meant by "no pain no gain"?

save money

I'm going to try to get a new car in August, so I need to start saving today. I have several ways I can save money.

1. Cut off my home phone. Think about it, do you REALLY need two phones? there's $50

2. I purchased cable TV. I don't need to watch TV and I was beter off without it. $45
*the sad part is, for about a $200 investment, I could rig it up to recieve free cable for as long as I had broadband internet*

3.I could give up Broadband and save another $45, but that ain't happening.

4.I can replace one daily meal with a sanwich from home in leiu of eating out and save anywhere from $85 - $150 monthly.

5. I stopped getting my hair professionally cut. I'm balding and it looks like crap no matter what I do. Set of clippers & $20 saved.

6. If I got really froggy, I could ride my bike for short trips and save $20 a month in gas.

7. Being a bit more stingy with my thermostat could get $20 or more off my power bill.

Potential saving could go as high as $240 a month. That would be more than enough to cover a car payment. Not to mention the cash I could save not driving a gas hog.

expert at nothing

I realized yesterday that although I have a broad and varied field of knowledge, I'm not really an expert on anything. I'd like to be the defintive "go-to guy" for something, but I'm not.

no lifeguard on duty, swim at your own risk.

I'm working several days at the shop this week for a guy who's going on vacation. So I get a decent piece of extra cash for this month and it's already spent.

I trying to teach Robyn's youngest child to ride a bike. I used to be an avid mountain biker when I was younger and I'm trying to get back into it. Not only am I remembering how much I liked it, I think it will help shape my body more into what I want to look like.

Speaking of body building, I've been growing and making gains, but it has been noted that my gut doesn't seem to be going anywhere and it's getting frustrating. I know it takes years of determined effort to make a complete change, but I'd like a bit of a taper at the waist to look better. People at school saw me an hour after a workout and noticed I was pumped up and that is great ego candy, but I want some big results.

Actually, I want something to make me feel good about myself. I'm balding, and have been for about 10 years, my hair looks bad no matter what I do to it so I just buzz it off. I'm fat and I'm broke, my credit is so rotten I can't get a decent car. It seems as though even though I've joined the Credit Union, if your credit history looks like you never pay off your credit obligations, you're too much of a risk for them. So I can't get out of my embarrassingly ugly car and have a decent vehicle.

Everything I want is going to take me two or more years to accomplish, and it's so damn frustrating because there is no guarantee it's all going to be alright.

They say that when you're drowning, after a few minutes of initial panic, your mind starts shutting down and pumps your body full of endorphins to calm you down. As you succumb from oxygen deprivation, you are in a euphoric state, aka high. No real importance other sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of bullshit.

I wonder if that's why people hit rock bottom, they see no way out of their problems and they succumb to apathy, drugs, whatever and just give up.

the misadventure continues.....

I want to try to compress my 3 day courses into two days for fall. The only elective I have should be movable. That is my only quip with school.

I've been putting off everything under the sun. I need to finish the work to my car, but I haven't gotten the initiative to do it.

This past Sunday I revived my mountain bike. I bought a GT Palomar in the early/mid 90's and never really got too much use out of it. Sadly, I had a Huffy that was a fraction of that bike and rode it silly. When I was mountain biking, I was in the best shape of my life. I want to rekindle my love of that activity and shed a few dozen pounds of blubber in the process. I never actually stopped liking the mountain biking, but hectic work schedules and my own laziness made it difficult to find time to keep up the hobby.

My workout program seems to be doing well. I'm right at the three month mark and I'm happy with the gains I've made, but I do need to lose some fat with it. Most of the "legitimate" workouts show decent results after 6 months of dedicated work. I hope to have that 6 month difference look about the time school restarts.

school's out, school's out!!!!!!

Last week I packed my stuff up and said farewell to GMS for the Summer. Although it pays a pathetic amount of money, I feel important there and I miss it terribly. During the Summer, I'm Mike, I stay at home all week and go pump gas on Sunday. During the school year, I'm Mr. Wilson, the ISS teacher and you better do what I say if you know what's best for you.

My end of year review was glowing, I expected as much. I'm very dedicated to my work.

I've always been competitive in such ways. I always want to be noticably useful in whatever I do. There has to be something I do better than anyone else. I can accept not being the best, but I always want to be among the best.

Summer becomes the time for projects and fresh starts. It's a time of reflection. I ask myself what I can improve upon next school year and move towards it.

who am i?

A very odd question for a 32yr old man to ask himself. Ever more odd the answer: I don't know.

I guess we're a puddle of genetic material mated to a life of experiences and how they form our actions and feelings.

I really don't know how to express my feelings to others. I've tried in the past and been hurt for the gesture. To a certain extent, I'm not sure I have feelings the same way other people do. I know the older I get, the less I care to share.

I've been told I am eligible for a student loan, so I go to college this fall. May 2008, here I come. I've dreamed of marching up there to get my degree for years. I'm ready to feel like I've done something with my life.

On Charles Darwin

I admire and respect Charles Darwin. The man said so much that is both accepted, quoted, and hated. He was not a showman like PT Barnum, but a scientist and philosopher. His theory on evolution is taught in classrooms today. Even over 100 years later, people talk about him and his work with the same fervor as they did when it was fresh.

Radical concepts that put God out of the context of explaining science. Survival of the fittest, over time, a speices changes to better fit its environment. This is true. The strongest and most fit survive to pass on their strong genes to the benefit of the species. This also is true.

At the website Paul and I created, Darwinized.com, we have a great portrait of Charles Darwin in the banner. It's so profound. The aged man has a harsh, weary, and seemingly disapproving stare. Like he's sick of everyone and everything. He seems to have been just sick of hearing everyones BS, and is saying "whatever, you're all idiots".

Almost all of the Darwinized.com videos are of someone being an idiot and getting hurt.....badly. I say to hell with it, pull all of the warning labels off everything and let the problem take care of itself. Passive eugenics, to quote George Carlin, is the name. Let the people too stupid to survive remove themselves from the gene pool.

evolution

Working on darwinized.com is changing my writing style. I'm not too sure it's a good thing, maybe it is.

I like writing commentary on the video clips, I feel like different person when I do it. Most of the time I'm an in-school suspension teacher (and to tell you the truth, I don't know how the Hell I wound up here). I have to talk a certain way, dress a certain way, behave in a certain way. When I comment on darwinized, I get to be crass, vulgar, and rude. I get to talk about the things I like. I can talk like I talk to my friends.

I guess it's important because I like it. There's something to be said about appealing to the lowest common denominator in us all. Those cheap, low shots are usually the most effective.

gulity pleasure numbs the soul

It's true. Wading through hours of video clips of people getting maimedas a result of thier own brainless actions kinda makes you feel less. I haven't been inspired to write here too much.

I think I've realized to get what I want out of life, I have to do things that don't agree with my morals. My life has so little to do with how I feel. I guess that makes me have little to say.

I could just be a bit tired and depressed. I think I'm catching a cold.

The birth of a new venture

Last week Paul & I started a new website, darwinized.com. Paul had a concept for "pain tv" where we have video clips of people getting injured in whatever way, be it fighting, racing, stupid stunts, ect. I'd like to get some original content, but the net is funny like that. So far, were posting basically classics and putting fresh commentary to them. Within two months, we'll have enough content to really push the sight for heavy traffic. I'm enjoying the work so far, I see it as a hobby site that has the potential to make money.

The Darwinized.com hoodie, That would look good riding around on a motorcycle. Some kid come up and says "You KNOW about darwinized? That site is sick!" I can say "Yeah, I'm Mr. Wilson." and feel like a celebrity for about a minute. That would be so cool.

I no longer want to change the world. I want to collect the misery and suffering, put it all under one roof, and sell tickets like a virtual freakshow. I can't stop the suffering, but I can put up a website and sell t-shirts.

I feel so dirty inside, but I like dirty if it pays.

babysitter.....

Someone told me once I was an overpaid babysitter. I am an underpaid baby sitter.

$3/hour per kid * 8 hours * 5 days a week * 40 weeks in a school year = babysitter money

12 * 3 = 36

36 * 8 = 288

288 * 5 = 1440

1440 * 40 = 57600 a year

I'll take the baby sitter money

hypochristians

Although I didn't have to, I went to Mebane last night to go see Robyn. Her kids were in some sort of afterschool care singing deal and wanted me to go with her. I didn't put 2 +2 together until I got there.

1. They go to a church-based afterschool program and the presentation was at said church.

+

2. It was Wedensday night.

=

MOTHER F***ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got roped into a Wendensday night church service, during a revival no less. On youth night. I thought we would be ok, just hear them do thier thing and scoot. Nope, we had some hellfire and brimstone preacher spewing all manner of prejudice and hatred our way.

I'm an atheist, but I try to respect others beliefs. I'll even admit, I've tried to feel it. I tried to believe. I want to believe, but I can't. I want to believe when I die, I'll get to go to a nice happy place where I'll see my Grandparents and maybe Buddy again. Everybody you love will be there and they'll all be so happy to see you. Like a cook out at a family reunion. A place where everything will be ok and everything that happened in life will make sense.

I have never seen any ghosts, goblins, demons, angels, or any other fairy tale ingredients. I have not witnessed miracles nor karma in action. I've seen no magic, nor mystery that couldn't be explained. If God loves and doesn't want me burning in Hell, can't he just throw me bone, give me a nudge in the right direction? He can't, or he won't. If he won't, did he ever love me? If he can't, how can he be called a god?

Anyway, Robyn's children sang quite well. I was surprized to say the least. Then I had to hear all the other nonsense. All these ugly mutants coming up to shake my hand. Then this fellow gets up and preaches about turning away from God. He talks about sin. Homosexuality, abortions, the abomination of not looking like "us", talking like "us". My shoes were ruined with all the BS. What about accepting people? Oh, yeah, and he needs your money! And he wants you to give your money and then provide services for the church that you would normally pay someone to do.

You know, they should have paid me to come to the service, but no. They wanted ME to put money in the plate. That was not going to happen.

It was very obvious to me that they spared all expense putting that dump together. The cross behind the pulpit was a gaint thing made of wood and stained brown, wrapped in christmas lights.

Robyn's mom attended, she's a praticing Roman Catholic and felt it was all full of crap and messes with the preacher at least one time. I have a bit of respect for her. She has the guts to say whats on her mind and gets her way quite a bit. She's no longer allowed to take communion because she married a divorced non-catholic. She divorced a man who cheated on her quite a bit and married a fellow that has been faithful to her for years longer than her first marriage.

You want me to tell you what I think? When a person can wear his best suit, clutch his bible, jump up and down and tell me about all the ills of the world and be the biggest hypocrit. They only make a big deal about the stuff they don't like. Homosexuality is an abomonation, but working on Sunday is ok. Premaritail sex is bad but men shaving thier heads is cool. (it's in there look it up!)

When you sit there and cherry pick the stuff that you feel is most imortant in a book full of no-no's. Then you are stunningly, and completly full of s**t and have alot of nerve telling others how to live their lives.

exercise

Paul and I have just completed week 8 of our workout routine. They say after 8 weeks you'll have noticable improvements, that's the truth. I guess when you make it to that point and you just begin to see definition, the have you hooked. You want to see more and you're willing to try more stuff to get more results. I've also started becoming more physically active in areas other than just workout day, so I think I'll start seeing burned calories there too, which will lead to better visible results.

Talking about results. I sleep like a baby, I'm more alert during the day, and I have energy and will to do more things. Everything on me is thicker, except my belly. Although I have not lost wieght, I tend to hold it better now, maybe because some of that lard is now replaced with calorie-eating muscle.

I was kinda hoping to have my belly whittled down by my birthday, but I guess that was just wishful thinking. I am very happy with the results so far. I do want the 6 month to be impressive, however. I'll have to work on getting that goal crushed.

September 20, 2006.....here I come.

Stunning

Not busy my buttocks! This Sunday I got a fair dose of everything. Shocking revalations, very angry customers, humor, the taint of New York City, the shock of really screwing up, and non-stop action.

I was busy all day Sunday, from 7:58 until 6:20 I had people in the shop all day. We close at 6:00, but a woman pulled up with a nail in her tire and I didn't have the heart to turn her away. I'd like to think someone would go the extra mile for me one day. She was driving a red PT Cruiser with 30-day tags, I actually liked the color quite a bit. Don't realy want one though. I figure everyone needs a break every now and then. I did a few other minor screw ups, but the store made money, I gave pretty decent service all day and other than the very angry Uhaul customers it was a good day for Doby's Texaco.

the corner has been rounded

At some point yesterday, I realized my job is not as great as I thought. Then I realized I can only work in the capacity that I've been given, which is very limited. Now my attitude is much better. I realize now that attempting to be anything other than a discipline figure is pointless. These kids only respond when you're mean to them.

sacrifice

What do you want most in this world?

How much are you willing to give up to achieve this goal?

How bad do you really want it? Is it worth the sacrifice?

You can learn alot about yourself by how determined you are to accomplish your goals.

what career?

For the second time in two weeks, I really regret working as an ISS coordinator. I'm grateful for my job and I'm loyal to my boss, but why even care when your job is barely an afterthought. Discipline is barely considered at this school. It is very possible that if given the choice, they'd disband the program. It is however paid for by central office, so I guess it doesn't hurt to get the funds. I want to be the best I can be, but I feel like I have not been given the resources to be successful. The only thing I can do to continue this line of work is to detatch myself emotionally from the job and plod through the motions until I finish my B.S.

Burnout

I'm so ready for Summer vacation that I can't stand it. I want some improvements for school next year. I need a phone so I can call parents. Too many bad kids. I need a couple of months away.

continuing racial tensions

Robyn has two bi-racial kids. I like them and there is no problem there. My problem is with the way they seem to be treated. I'm personally sick of race related nonsense. I've been called racist by every subgroup in the book. To all thoses people : 1975 called, they want their tired-ass race card back. The sad part is we want to end racism, but all these racist groups still exist.

Robyn's oldest daughter is at risk for failing, yet on awards day, some nonsense group want to award her for minority achievement. Congradulations, little girl, you're the blackest kid in class! Expecting something due to the color of your skin is wrong, especially if you have earned nothing. That being said, I'd love to see both of her kids achieve great things and I'll do whatever I can to help, but I don't want them lulled into a false sense of accomplishment.

Do these sad little groups even aknowledge the fact that they ecourage segragation? Do they take the time to consider what these false awards do to people?

D&D

My new group just hit a high point last night. This has the potential to be the best gaming group in awhile. I'm actually looking forward to the next game. I've always liked RPG's and even when they weren't ran that well. But a good DM with enthusiastic players is a lot of fun. Last night was one of the most satisfying sessions I've had in a very long time.

Humor, drama, and action, all the things that make it great. All the players were feeding off one another. We actually split up three ways and it was still very engageing. It wrapped up with a climatic to be continued. Absolutely awesome.

The sad part is I may have to take a hiatus from gaming due to college. There is no question that D&D vs my education, there is no contest. I kinda hope there is a compromise. If not, I guess I'll take a 6 month hiatus and hope we're still playing.

Crammed

I realized yesterday that my posts were huge and had too many different things in them. For now, I'm altering my format to stick with on subject at a time. I'm trying to ever-improve my style and make my content a bit easier to read and I feel that cramming to much into a "dear diary" makes my stuff less interesting (if that's possible), so streamlining is the order of the day.

Solo flight to planet grease monkey

Sunday was my first day alone and oh what fun I had. Slow and boring, until 12:30 then five people came in at once. Two inspections and three Uhaul rentals. Both car failed initially and needed repair work. All the Uhaul people needed the dumbest questions asked and it took two hours to finish all of them up. The owner came in to help out, and all went smoothly. I think I did quite well, all things considered.

People drove up right about two minutes before close and wanted crazy stuff and to ask me about Uhauls endlessly. But I got a decent ammount of work finished, so it's all good. If there were any problems, I'm sure I'll hear all about it.

I can honestly see why people can find this kind of work stressful. So many people come in at once and there's nothing to be done to speed up the process of what's needed to get them on their merry little way. I knew at that on point I was giving rotten service, but I'm only one person. I just saw it as an inconvienience, not a short coming of my abilities

I like the money, and the side benefits of having the keys to a fully equipped garage.

Fryer grease, you light up my life.....

I've been really keen on the notion of getting a fryer grease diesel car. I thought about taking it to the next step: a vegetable oil powered home generator. Now that would be sweet. Cheap running car, no utlities that is frugal. If you were to live in an area with well water, it would be almost nothing exspense-wise.

My monthly expense rundown: (bear in mind these quotes are for my local living expenses)

Total electric utilities - $200
Gas expenditures - $140
Water bill - $30

Total = 370

In one year these can be in ballpark of $4000 . Can you imagine what you could do with that money? In a five year period you could potentially save 20K. Mind you, it would it would take a slightly different lifestyle. You'd have to spend a good chunk of time hunting down fryer grease & oil, and later purifying & store said fuel stuff. But wouldn't it be worth it? Think of what you could do with the savings. For a family of four, the projected five year savings estimate is $35,000. A 15 year year plan could put you at over 80k in savings. Imagine what that cash could do wisely invested.

the hamster effect

Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into. A student said she was going to say I did something to try to get me into trouble. Of course she didn't say it to me directly, she bragged to another student. This student in turn told a teacher. Said teacher told me. I told the office. Nobody, other than me, seemed worried. Gee, it's only my career, why worry? This could also be construed as they have so much faith in me it is a non-issue. I might be too much of a pessimist.

In 1993, in high school, I was witness first hand to what a few girls with mailicious intent can do to a teacher. A girl lied about an incident ( I was there and saw what happened) claiming a young, first-year male teacher made an inappropriate advance. She had three friends who were in that class back up her story. He was on the front page of the newspaper and was on "administrative leave". He was guilty before he even went to trial. I don't want that.

This is the first time in four years I've seriously considered a career change. In two years, I'll have a degree in forensic biology with a concentration in criminal justice. Perhaps I should just go into law enforcement. I could work for the state's crime lab. In law enforcement, you can beat the hell out of them if they are non-compliant.

paradigim shift

I am well aware I put myself in the situation I'm in. Broke, out of shape ect. I'm more than willing to work my way out of this rut. It just seems so daunting a task.

I see a certain amount of futiity n my job these days. Nobody ever seems to get better. They all get in trouble again and come back to me again. I work them to no end, they still can't behave in class. I was a complete jerk when I was their age too. I did just mean things I regret to this day. Like in 4th grade when we were getting crushed in baseball, a little girl named Amanda hit a one in a million shot and got a home run. That should have been her moment of glory....should have been. When she rounded second base, past me, I tripped her. She skinned up both her knees and her forearm. She liked me quite a bit and it made her cry. My punishment was I had to sit out the last of the game and get silent lunch. .

As an adult, I feel a certain deep remorse for that act. I appologized and she accepted, but we were never really good friends after that. I felt like the status quo. Just ruining someones wonderful, shining moment for the sheer fact that I was mad that it wasn't me. Like keying someone's band new car the day they get it, or running through a sand castle at the beach. I deserved to be hated, and I was.

The funny thing about being a hated outcast, it makes a very nice chitinous shell around your emotions. My personality was tempered by years of abusive relationships. I think my fall from grace was in 8th grade. I tried to be good, to be a good, God - fearing little boy. 8th grade was not a good year for me. After being in private school for three years, I was sent to the worst school in the area and the kids just ate me alive. It was the most miserable time of my life. Then my Grandmother died. I was keeping the faith. I knew God was testing me and I had to stay strong, just like Job in the Bible. Then she died. I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed some more. I wanted to make sense of it all. Then it hit me.There is no sense to be made. It isn't fair and it never was. Good has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Well, yes it does. Good is important, but that has nothing to do with churches or books that contradict themselves.

The some of kids who made my 8th grade experience pure hell were church goers too. God didn't tell them to treat me nicely. God told them to beat me up for my lunch money. Obviously God wasn't talking to both of us. My conscience was talking to me, and they either ignored theirs or never had one. When you pray, it is an emotional wash cycle. You feel better and cleaner, until you go out to play again and soil your conscience.

I spent 30 years wanting to believe in God. Maybe there is a God and he got mad and quit. He only wanted Sunday off and we couldn't even give him that. So he said I ain't doing 7 days a week. This place can go to Hell as far as I'm concerned. And it has.

Maybe God is just our conscience. That little nagging voice that tells us if we're doing the right thing. Just listen to your conscience and you'll do just fine. What about those with no conscience to speak of?

the car racket

I think Paul had a great idea. Clean up old beaters and sell them at a premium. I'd like to do biodiesel cars, but whatever makes money would be cool.

Coke Blak = Me Yak

I had an impulse to buy a bottle of Coca-Cola Skat, I mean Blak last Sunday. I like a lot of coffee-flavored things. Ice cream, frappacino, and those frozen drinks the book store sells. I was kind of intereste to see what a coffee-flavoed soda would taste like, and I sure found out......it tastes like ASS! I would not be surprised if a few shallow graves were dug outside the Coke Co. R&D facility after this tasty little treat was unveiled to the board of directors. It seems like a frat prank gone wrong. I have to believe they just gave up on this one. It suxs. Quite possibly the worst things I have ever ingested. I could not finish an 8-oz bottle. It was as if pure evil had been given a flavor, and that flavor is Coca-Cola Blak. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go boil my toungue.

Grease monkey fun

I forgot that being a cashier can be fun. A guy came into buy boxes and after the price quote he asked if they were lined with gold. I said no, but I fill them to the top with happy thoughts. My co-worker thought I was hilarious at least....

U-Haul rentals are also fun. People are mad as hell when they go to rent a moving van and find the prices outrageous. Renting a UHaul truck for two days is much cheaper than buying a box van or hiring a moving company. Still people expect certain things for free.

Working with the public reaffirms my long-held belief that I hate people. Loud, ignorant, insensitive, selfish, over-bearing people that walk around with a sense of entitlement and a chip on their shoulder. The type of people who walk around, acting like everyone owes them something. They all rent UHauls.

Although the job itself is rather simple, I can see where it would be trying. But not everyone is horrible, I met a very nice older woman that works as a prison guard that had a nail in her tire. Seems kind of odd that she would wear make-up to such a job. Hmmmmmmm.....


On the exercise front, I'm always wanting to try new things to improve my results. The sad part is, I've not really been doing this long enough to notice any real results from anything. I am becoming more aware of my general nutrition. I'm chugging down a lot of water, milk, multivitamins, and protien powder. I'm hoping for the "6-month difference" and the "one-year wow-you're-not-the-same-person pictures". I'm pretty serious, and I'm doing what I know how to do, but I don't know how great my long term results will be.

results!!!!

A co-worker at school asked me if I had been losing wieght today. I'm so happy. I think the milk and sensible breakfast is making a huge difference.

I checked out a private gym out in the country that is way nicer than I could have imagined. I mean fully equipped. If Paul and I exceed the home gym's capacity, it will be my first choice.

I might just up my cardio to expidite my fat loss. I can wait for huge arms, I want the belly gone yesterday!

calories & math

I've learned the calorie formula recently. For men, body wieght x 10 - 15 = caloric intake. The 10 - 15 varies for physical exertion (how much you exercise).

example: me 250 x 13 (I workout 3 times a week, fairly intense) = 3250 calories/ day that is a lot to choke down, but when you consider that one of my favorite thing food-wise is to eat an 8 piece box of Bojangles fried chicken with two buiscuits and that can hit 3k easy. Hell, the two piece box with fries, buscuit, and sweet tea can run 1600. But oh God, it's sooooo good.

Anyway, I have to consume 3,250 calories daily to keep a wieght of 250 lbs. So if I have an ideal wieght, say 200 lbs. I must consume no more than (200 x 13 = )2600 calories a day. Eating normally (out) can make that difficult. The best idea is to workout more and increase you metabolic rate say 200 x 15 = 3000. Let's just say I just exercise more, 3250 / 15 = 216. An athletic 216 lbs is nothing to sneeze at. I think I'd like to eventually be around 180. To reach this goal, I'll need to take in between 2160 - 2700 depending on the intensity of my activity.

3 day split

Paul and I are in our first week of the three day split workout. We have now started our 6th week of working out. Whereas I cannot see any difference in my body, I can feel a difference in my overall condition. My stamina is increasing, my strength is returning, I sleep like a baby, and I have a greater desire to accomplish stuff. I really wanted to improve my health, and I have been. Now I'd like to see some of these improvments. I guess I have to get my body fat down.

I have a pretty good beakfast routine, I eat oatmeal, have a multivitamin, and drink a glass of milk with a scoop of whey protien in it. I need to work on lunch as I have no routine for it, I should probably plan for some salad. I drink a lot of water, 64 - 100+ oz. daily. If I don't eat out with Robyn, I usually just do either chicken or pork chops with plain rice. On workout nights, I do extra protien supplement before bed. I hope I'm growing muscle while I sleep.

I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way to looking and feeling the way I've always wanted. Even two days after my last workout, I'm still muscle sore. The weight is a concern too, I'm gaining. I guess I should diet I'm up to 248, but I feel very good. I guess it will come. If a man if 250 out of shape, it's ugly. If he's 250 of muscle.....wow. I really don't think I can be 250 fit, but I'll see what's up in 6 months.

Discipline in schools

As many people know, I am an In-School Suspension (ISS) teacher. I think about child behavior and how to make kids act properly in school. I don't think the problem is all the kids. The parents of misbehaving children need to beheld accountable for their children's actions.

I don't know about you, but I only wear my seabelt because I hate those $75 tickets. You have to hit them in the wallet.

My idea: For kids who are constantly absent/ tardy for school, unexcused past 5 a quarter gets a fine to the parents. If a child is a constant discipline problem, and it seems as though the parents are not taking adequate steps to teach their childen to behave, then on the next tax season, the parents won't be allowed to claim the children on their income taxes. Failure to attend meetings for school issues is a warrant-bearing offense just like failure to appear in court.

You make it a hassle for them to not raise their kids and you'll notice a difference.

Also, not disciplining kids seems to make them angry and poorly adjusted. I have seen the before and after both ways.

on child support

Just yesterday, I posted on my concept of a real man. You can tell alot of full grown children made babies from the lack of child support. I don't see what the big deal is, it was so important to make the babies, why not raise them to be good adults? At the very least pay for them so thier mom's can raise them.

Why? Because they can get away with not taking care of the responsibility they made.

I have a solution. Make failure to support your children a felony. You're up for non support? No jail. You're going to PMITA prison. Tell al the other inmates that he's a child molester. If the deadbeat survives about 6 months of that, I'll bet he'll do whatever is needed to get his children what they deserve. If they murder him in prison, the kids get SSI checks and college tution assisstance. At least they'll have a better chance than with Mr. Deadbeat. Either he makes a good example or we make a good example out of him.

give 'em an inch........

I've learned one valuable lesson in my time working with kids: Set the standard of expectations high. There is no other way to prepare students to be achievers. Not to mention middle school students rarely try to exceed expectations. If anything they excel in attempting to fall short, or to see how much they can "get away" with.

This past week our school loosened the dress code for students. They are allowed to wear shorts so long as they are at least to the knee and not gym-style shorts. Today we have gym shorts dress code violations.

My only argument is that as educators, we have a responsibility to prepare these students for their adult lives. Life does not offer compromises. The power company won't "cut you some slack", they'll just cut off your lights.

Middle school prepares you for life. The rules are stict, students are harsh with each other and it's pretty dismal. The people who suceed are the ones that cut a niche out for themselves.

But if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

real man.....

I've been saturated from birth by what a real man should be. These concepts that our culture holds dear, that a real man should be tough, strong, protective of his home and family, handy with tools, sports loving, beer drinking, keeps the kids in line, and handles the buisness in general. A real man comes home after all this and doesn't complain about his life.

A real man needs to be then tough one at home too, he's the griller, the carpenter, the landscaper, and the mechanic. The real man is the bread winner and the home provider and would rather be beaten to death rather than have another man handle his buisness. A real man has a wife, not a baby's momma, he doen't have to travel farther than across the house if he wants to see his kids. The real man does things that his kids admire and they want to be just like him. He seems like a genious, taking apart complex things that no longer work and make them function "as good as new".

A real man gives to his family first, himself last. He knows that people see him not by how he looks, but by how his kids look. And he does it all for no reward other than knowing he's doing the right thing, his family loves him for it, and that's good enough for him.

That was always my idea anyway. I don't see alot of those anymore. Daddy's still doing his thing, Mommy is somewhere else struggling to keep it together and the kids suffer. There are a lot of full grown boys out there that never take on the honor of being a real man. Doing so, he never finds his real woman, and if he finds her, he leaves her because it's "too much to handle".

I've seen what happens too often when a male adult refuses to be a man and it's sad the damage a full grown child can do in a man's body. He gets a woman pregnant, creates an obligation, and abandons it. And though he may leave he still teaches his child how to be his version of a man. They learn to run when it gets too tough, never to live up to the full potential they have.

My Mom's first mariage was to a boy, and they had me. Her second marriage was to a man, I call him Dad. He stuck it out over all those years, good, bad, and worse. He taught me what a real man does for his family. He taught me that when you love a woman that has children, they are a part of the package and you take care of them as your own. He's not perfect, but I always knew his values were in the right place and the fact he tried was good enough. I would not be where I am today without his example.

So to John Wilson, thank you.

NC inspection license

As part of my new job as a Sunday grease monkey, I have to become a certified vehicle inspector. It was great way to clog up my evenings during my spring break. Not too shabby however, it was very amusing the first two nights and quick the last two. After seeing it first hand, I now feel it's all a sham. But ripoffs are great if you're the one on the take.

Yeah, yeah, it's good to make sure a car is not a death trap, but being a death trap afficianado, I think rattletraps are getting a bad rap.

Anyway, the stuff is super easy, it's all computerized. The stuff you need to look for is in a reference book under the computer. On the visual inspection, you upsell everything you can. Fuses, light bulbs, oil changes, fresh air in the tires.....

I've worked in a few convenience stores in my day, but never an actual service station. I think it will be ok. I think I can benefit there much better than I did at Best Buy.

Spring break? From what?!?!?!?1?!?

This whole past week has been my "break". Break from work? I love my job. At school, I'm important, needed, respected, and somewhat feared. I want a break from reality. The one where I'm a broke-ass that can't seem to get it together. The one where I drive a basket case of a car, and can't seem to get a break at all. This week I get a full dose of it.

College is 2k a semester. Don't know which ass I'm going to pull that out of, certainly not my own. I looked for loose change last week....nothing. I am, however, accepted ,registered and I even have my first schedule. I feel like I'm trying to climb a house of cards. One mistep will send me and everything I've worked for tumbling down.

During our spring break, Paul and I have taken a rest from lifting. We're going to start back with a more advanced routine. I've felt a difference and Robyn says she's starting to notice the difference. My gut is still huge in the way you think of gods as being big. I guess I'll have to take what I can get for now.

On our last workout I told Paul I was considereing shaving my head since I'm so bald anyway. He said you might as well, you're pretty much there now. I guess he's right. I keep my hair, what's left it, very short. I'm waiting until after June 7th (last day of school) to do it.


Robyn rented a car to visit a friend of hers. A new Ford Explorer. Now as much as I would prefer have another vehicle, it ain't too bad. It is possible that my idea of a nice car has been skewed. An intact windshield, a/c, and a stereo puts it into Bently status for me.

The seven week stretch before summer vacation starts this next Tuesday. Oh, the joy begins.

so little time/ cash so much to do......

I must admit, before I leave Best Buy for good, I want to put a new stereo in my car. The darn thing will never look good, but in the next two years driving back & forth to college, I'd like something nice to listen to while on the road.

I complied a list of what I nee to make the car good for my needs. They are:

1. Stereo & speakers
2. Air conditioning
3. Carpet
4. New gear select cable
5. Mufflers

All in all, about $350 - $600 to make it plush. It will still be ugly, but comfy to drive. It's a darn shame I can't salvage the body. It could be pimped out nicely. Not that I pimp out cars, but it could.......

If the car hold up well, When I get a newer car, I plan to put the drivetrain in my ranger that may never move again on it's own. It confuses me to no end how this truck could be made to run down the road by my tinkering and after one day, I cannot duplicate the results. Harmon wants the big bucks involved in doing an engine swap, which would probably run well past $1,000 before I "clean it up". I'm starting to consider just getting a good pickup when I finish school.

Last night I hit a milestone in my workout. I did squats. My knees have been shot for 10 years and since I pretty much gave up on workouts because due to injury, I couldn't do my two exercises: squats & deadlifts. Twelve years ago, my routine was five days of cardio workouts and two wieght training days. I either jogged, bicycled, or jumpped rope. On lifting days, I did bicep curls, squats, dead lifts and ab crunches. It worked for awhile, I was pretty skinny. Even when I was getting chubby, it wasn't jack compared to what I am now.

I'm feeling my body change now. My muscles remember what isolation exercises feel like. I'm starting to be able to work the groups of muscles I need to for each exercise properly. I feel sore where I know I should feel sore. When I lifted last night, I felt the muscles burn when they were supposed to.

I started upping the protein too. After much study on good supplements, I came to a conclusion: I'm not ready for the powders, mixes, and power bars. I'm going another route. I drank milk. An 8-ounce cup of milk has 8 grams of protein. After I started cooling down, I drank a 16-ounce glass and had a snack. Before I went to bed, I had another glass of milk. The proteins in milk are supposed to be slower acting proteins that your body absorbs over a longer stretch of time, several hours. I'll try this for awhile and see if it makes a difference.

I was told the human body can put on 1 pound of muscle a week. Hell, I'll take half a pound right now. But If I could build a pund a week, I'll be losing 3-5lbs of fat every week too. If I can make that a goal, I'll be on target to me looking right come my birthday. By the start of the next school year, I should be in the best shape of my life.

I want, just once in my life, to go up to someone, flex, and say "Put down the dictionary, I've got the definition right here." or "Somebody grab the sewing kit 'cause I'm ripped" and it actually be true. Now I'm more like a malprop.

cash struggle

I'm trying to intentionally go skimpy this month so I can afford a few things from Best Buy before I quit. Namely, I want a stereo for my car, After that, I'm done with them.

I got my cat Friday, her name is Trinity. She a black domestic short hair and very personalble. She was very shy when she was first left with me, but quickly warmed up. She likes to sleep in the bed too. Whoever owned her last fed her people food, she's all over me when I'm eating.

It looks as though I'm going to the beach next weekend. I'm looking forward to a few days off. In a couple of years. I'll be able to go more places, take real vacations with Robyn.

I gave away my lazyboy recliner to Paul. He needs it more than I do and I have too much furniture as it is already. Now don't get me wrong. I like it, I just have no place to put it. I won't lose the leather recliner, which is a close second favorite. It only won because it matches what I already have. There is so much more to get rid of too. Sometimes, your posessions own you. They control your life.

It's getting to yard work season again. I'm going for broke this year. I'm going to get it all staightened out. Everything must go.

update

Exercised last night, Paul is ready to step up the intensity. I want to get in better shape first. I'm still feeling the workout if done right. Last night was a good workout. Everything I did made me sore today and I was able to work even though I strained my shoulder Tuesday.

As far as changing the routine, I'm studying up on split routines. A split routine is where you work only a few muscle groups during a workout instead of all of them. I'm doing a total body routine because it is what you need to get into shape. Split routines are for more advanced lifters. Honestly, Paul is probably more than ready. He's in better shape than me body fat-wise. That is kind of ironic since back in the day, he was the fat one. Now I'm the fat one. It doesn't help that I have a desk job either.

I talked to a teacher at school about lifting and he gave me a few pointers. One thing he told me was I need to up my protein intake to build muscle. His formula is one gram of protein for one pound of body weight. I weigh 240. That's a lot of effing protein. When I get to a satisfactory fitness level, I might start doing supplements. Right now it just seems a bit much.

I get a visit from the Humane Society today about the cat I want to adopt. She's a big black cat named Trinity. She seems quite personable. I'm a cat person.

I started cleaning up the yard yesterday. I'm going to get it right before Summer, and the back porch too. I want my yard to be cookout ready. The grill calls to me even now.....the fire...........

Back to exercise, I'm noticing a difference already. With any luck, by Fall, I'll be returning to school a new man. Mainly not a mouth-breathing tub of lard. I want the flat belly, toned arms and such. I'll admit, I don't want to be fat anymore. Being 245 never bothered me, if I was 245 no belly I'd be ok with that. 245 of cut muscle is not an easily attained goal and possibly not realistic. A flat stomach and toned body is, and that is my aim. If I'm still into it later on, we'll see.

lost.....

Monday I lost my cell phone. I spent all day Tuesday without it. That was the first time since 1998 I've been without one. It's kind of weird going a day without it. I remember a time when I didn't have one, they are such a convienience. It's easy to take for granted how useful they are in day to day life. In fact, I'd much rather do without my land line phone than not have a cell phone.

I can live without internet access, cable tv, even a car. Hell, I was homeless for awhile last year, but it hit me like a sack of bricks to be without my cell phone for one day. I read a book called technopoly for class one year. It states that technology eventually defines culture and we become used to those things. After a long period of having a technology, we take it for granted.

The wheel, fire, and literacy were all new technology at one point in time. We all take those for granted.

the Monday roller coaster

The good, bad and ugly yestrday.

I'm adopting a cat from the humane society. I hope it works out ok. I'm a cat person. I played with her, shes a black cat that meows alot. Tons of personality

I lost my cell phone. I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it, but I'll be out or contact with everyone until it is found or replaced. i can't remember anyone's number without my cell phone either.

Two weeks in....

Paul and I have been exercising for two weeks now, and I'm actually starting to feel it. I like the sore workout feeling in my muscles. We both have different ideals, but the same goal. He wants to look good, I want to be healthy. However these are two sides of the same coin. By working out so that he's not the fat guy in the garage, the weightlifting and aerobics will make him healthy, burning fat and toning up will make me look good.

I'm physically stronger than Paul, but I feel I have the biggest problem, I'm way fatter than him. The size of my gut alone makes crunches hard and situps nearly impossible. He said something I was thinking about. : The first thing off is the last thing you put on. The only place I'm especially fat at all is my belly. Gut first, then I guess I lose a chin and get my cheekbones back, if I actually lose that much fat. By Summer vacation, I'll have have 3 months of working out under my belt. That should be enough for drastic improvement. I hope so.......

I wish I had done a good "before" picture so as to gague my progress.

grease monkey

I'm going to go to work at Paul's garage. Best Buy will have to go away, or so it seems. In the end, I find I like Best Buy, and the people that work there. It is hard to leave when I've worked with so many really nice people. One idiot ruined the experience as a whole. In the end, you have to do what's best for you. I can work 3 days/ all weekend at Best Buy and have the money I need from the job, or work Just Sunday at the garage and get almost the same cash.

I offered to work Friday nights to help with the truck, I don't think they will accept the offer, oh well. I guess I'll have to get my car stereo next week when I get paid.

after flu fatigue

Wow. I think this was the first time I've been really sick in years. It just knocked me for a loop and even though it feels like I'm only cycling through the symptoms and cleaning my system out, I feel like I had my @$$ handed to me. My arms feel like rubber even as I type this.

I want to work out tonight, but I fear a relapse if I over exert myself.

The group came over last night. I think we have a strong dynamic. I think there is the makings of an awesome group. I look forward to the new adventure.

the big flu throwdown

I've been sick since Friday. I'd been trying to fight my way throught it all and losing horribly. I had a very high fever on Sunday - Tuesday. I've had very little sleep. What I had was sporadic and fitful. Monday I pulled out the big guns..... NyQuil Tuesday I I went no mercy....DayQuil. I feel pretty good today. My fever broke, the cogestion is loosening, my headache is gone, and I'm back to work. After a three day diet of juice, water, popcicles, and pseudoephedrine, I'm just lucid enough to perfom the mudane tasks of my job.

The vicks brand of drugs is a name you can count on.

NyQuil -
The licorice-flavored
liquor - laced
take a shot and slip into a coma medicine

I have recently discovered that NyQuil is psuedoehedra - free. It's not as effective as it once was. But DayQuil still gets to you. It does not relieve cold symptoms, it get you so high you do not care that you are sick.

game night...

Tonight we roll up our characters for the new game. I'm quite excited. I like the idea of expecting company. It makes me want to clean house. I just need to vacuum when I get home tonight.

Paul ducked out of lifting with me. It's all good, he was tired from working a very long shift and it gave me more time to prep up for the game. We'll be ready for a Thursday run.I actually lifted a little yesterday to see what I still had. I was actually pretty happy with the results of my half - hearted, cold workout. I feel very confident about a 3 month goal for fitness, 6 months to be in good overall shape.

Bill money is tight this month. I blew a good chunk of my income on my car. At least I have a dependable ride again, albeit ugly...... I still have water light and phone to pay for this month. I have just enough to eat with, so I'll survive.

I was explaining pizza work to a kid at school yesterday and I realized,,,, I like making pizzas and I'd love to make one. I'd work at a pizza restraunt again just to get to make a pizza. Taking the raw dough ball and slapping and spinning it into a delicious dinner treat. I'm going to get a recipie for doughballs and make some pizza's one day soon.