tis the season....

The holidays have come and gone and I'm on break from school. For the first time in years I attended the Christmas party at my Aunt Alice's home. Alice was my Grandfather's brother's wife. My Great-Aunt. It was a warm, happy place to be. I'm starting to realize my immediate family is really screwed up. Everywhere there was happiness, and joy and it felt good. My parents' house was filled with guilt, and half-hearted attempts at merryment. I would have rather been at home alone than stayed the night there. But stay I did and the only things I got that I liked were the things I already knew I was getting, because they were bought on my Best Buy discount.

I could have afforded alot more gift-wise, but I didn't go overboard. My theory is simple. If they are mad at the fact of how little I spent then they didn't deserve a present anyway. I would not want anyone to go into debt for my Christmas, and believe me, they didn't.

I've to make some New Year's resolutions to break and I wanted to come up with something funny, but I'm not in a funny mood right now. I want to start exercising again, and eating healthier. Those are pretty easy.

My goals for 2006 are as follows:

1. Get in shape.
2. Eat healthier
3. Get a good car/truck.
4. Get back into school.
5. Be a neater, more organized person.

They are all easy and everything has been set in motion to make them happen. All I have to do now is just follow through.

It looks as though my D&D group is now kaput. We went through our current plotline and now the DM is stepping away from the table. It was a good adventure and I am glad I played it. I'm sad to see the retirement of Draco Malestrom, sorcerer extrodonaire, but it was a good run and the door is open for a return. We may play again, we may not. Maybe it's time for a new group anyway. Maybe it's time to give up gaming altogether, only time will tell.

I sent my truck off to be repaired with no news in two weeks, so I guess he's not in any hurry to get it fixed.

Best Buy still sucks donkey balls, I'm going to try to find a better part time job ASAP.

sociology

I took sociology as a humanities course for my AA degree. The teacher said that the trick to sociology is taking a "step back" and finding the strange in the familiar or vice-versa. You stip the famiar terms and labels from anything and look at it for face value and you get an interesting picture. I've often argued that after we are long gone, archeologists from the future will think our culture worshiped mice and our holy city was in Orlando, Florida. Puts a whole new spin on anchient mythology......

I liked that course, very interesting. I liked the idea of understanding the mob and how groups of people function together. A mob functions alot like a person does, however, where there is an inherent concience in a human, a mob has no soul. it can function with detatched emotion. There have been several studies to prove this and it can easily be observed in life. They don't call them soul-less corporate entities for nothing.

bad habits

I'm a creature of bad habit. It seems very easy to get into routines that are not beneficial. My worst habit is more of a character flaw. I'm lazy when it comes to my personal affairs. If it doesn't need to be done, it won't happen. I'd far prefer working hard and paying people to do meanial tasks like laundry and lawn mowing. Even car repair is something I'd rather let someone else handle.

I wake up at 6:30 every morning and got back to sleep until 7. At 7 I lament having to get out of my warm bed and snooze til 7:30. At 7:35 I get up and rush through my morning routine to barely make it to work on time. If I were a bit more pragmatic I could do everything I want and still come out ahead. Put shortly; I am my own worst obstacle. If I could overcome just one character flaw, I'd be unstoppable.

"It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy." - Blink 182

A realization.....

I just came to realize that if I join the NCSECU (North Carolina State Employee's Credit Union), I could easily afford a decent used truck or car. More to come......

In my state of desparation.......

I've decided to let a mechanic look at the truck and tell me what he thinks. This makes for an interesting situation. The only mechanic I know that works on junk cars is Harmon. My mom said she'd help me with the truck if I didn't employ Harmon to repair it. Well the person she reccomended took money and I had to tow the truck home. Now I'm out of ideas. He'll fix it. I'll pay him, and have my truck. More to come.

"One-upmanship"

Sorry Paul, I didn't have my code to log into your site handy, so this goes here.

I wonder how far the one-upmanship will go. By this I mean everythings attempt to "top" everything else in some sense. Tylenol wasn't good enough, we need extra-strength, then maximum strength. I'm ready foe tylenol Infinity - one tablet lasts forever! Elvis & The Beatles were as extreme as it got in the 50' & early 60's, now we have music so vulgar that it even makes me blush.

There has to be a cap to it all, but there is no end in sight, and the further you take it, the harder it is to come back. Simple pleasures should be paramount, revered even. A walk in a park in spring, playing with a puppy, watching the leaves turn colors in Fall, these things are all precious. Wonderful things like children laughing seeing a shooting star, finding a 4 leaf clover, these are the magical things in life.

We've become slaves to pop culture. It's all "extreme" and "in your face". Why does it have to be in your face? We have music that makes you want to fight, TV shows that numb you to everything, books that are never opened, and video games that have our kids vicariously dismembering people and causing wanton destruction for "fun".

And the values have gone away. We were in such a hurry to be rid of them, now they are gone and we see why they are so important. We have mothers & grandmothers raising children and fathers with no accountability. Boys especially cannot grow up proper without a man there to show them the way.

I can only hope we've hit the crest of the "extreme" mindset.

do or die ranger time.

I'm going to put a serious effort between here and January toward making my pickup road ready. I'm pretty sure it's close to finished, just a few bug to work out here and there. I still want to do the V8 conversion, but I'll have to wait for now on that.

Upon experimentation and playing with it. I conclude mechanically, it needs the Idle Air Control and the EGR replaced. I believe that the IAC is faulty, but the EGR was disconnected and has since stuck patrially open. Hence, it will behave semi-normal when warmed up. Now there is the brake issue. I'll get into that one later.

I think I can have it up & going in a few weeks, financing it all is the big issue.

I have failed myself

I didn't get crap accomplished this weekend. I did some good stuff. I help my folks and Robyn, but got nothing really accomplished for myself.

I came to a Best Buy revalation. The job itself is not so bad. I just don't like retail. I don't like it for the same reasons I don't like food service.

1. People are mostly surly, especially around holidays and you have to deal with them.

Now, I believe in customer service, but I'm not the customers' servant. I like to help, but I don't always care for the attitudes.

2. The hours are never constant, nor is the time you get to go home.

I hated the thought that a surge in buisness or a late delivery could keep you hour past you scheduled time. In the private sector, yeah, you have deadlines, but not every freakin' day. And I don't need to ask some scatterbrain for permission to leave when my job is finished.

3. Management is usually very inept and are the cause of reasons 1 & 2.

This needs no elaboration.

4. They pay slave wages.

I find it almost insulting what they expect a person to live off.

5. For slave pay, they expect you to work like you make a killing there.

I guess they try to pump you up for the "team". We're gonna work hard and have fun! Let me explain this, I'll enjoy my job when my pay check is large enough to cover ONE bill. Until then, bite me.

6. There is no accountability. Everybody blames everyone else for the mistakes that happen.

I was actually accused of three separate things the last night I worked with a team. I'll tell if I did something. They know I'll admit too, but I guess they want to see if I'll clean up thier mess. The answer is ususally yes.

7. The people who are not surly are little more than animals and they soil the area around them as though they were marking thier territory.

I have seen more nastiness in Best Buy from full grown adults than I have from the middle school students I deal with at my day job. And I get the worst of the worst kids! I won't even go into detail what I've seen, but if a peron does the kinds of mess I've seen and leaves it for others to clean up, they don't even qualify as humans.

I'm going to get my education completed just so I can earn enough to never even have to step into such places if I so choose.

half-day maddness

The new incliment weather protocol is being used for the school system. We've had two delays and zero ice. I will argue that even though it seems almost knee-jerkish, I'd far prefer err on the side of caution when childrens lives are risked. There is a downside. It seems as though getting to school at 10 vs 8 has an adverse effect on thier behavior. I guess they are lucid enough to be able to buck conformity by 10 instead of getting into the motions while still groggy.

Either way, a shortened day makes for some misery for most of the school and even I'm not immune.

Still haven't won the lottery yet, no end to poverty in sight. Days like today make me think I would quit if I struck it rich. I thought about it, all the kids acting like "buy me something", the school saying, "donation", and parents wanting to sue. There would be people hounding me for money constantly. I'd try to keep it sublte, but I'd eventually give in and buy a luxury item or two and the jig would be up.

I guess that's why they call them "life changing events". You can't do the same things you did before. The rules all changed or they no longer apply to you.

soft job

Paul called Saturday morning and asked if I could help him finish his move. There was no problem there. I was glad to have an excuse to get out of the house. He was moving to cut expenses and looks like he did a good job. It was a funny few loads. Paul is constantly aggrivated by his mom. He agreed to do what she asked and she kept on hounding him. They have a very fragile relationship that is hilarious to witness in action.

He had quite a bit of large items that had to squeeze through small spots. It happened within an hour or so. He place has many interesting features:

1. Upstairs loft.
2. Flooring by Salvitore Dahli
3. Delicious pecans everywhere (seasonal item)
4. Very odd non English speaking Kahzistani refugees as neighbors.

I think Paul may have instigated a Jihaad against himself by trying to shake the hand of the female elder. He may have only married her, thier customs are so strange and beautiful. I guess I'll know next visit what the outcome was.

GEEK-FEST!

What a weekeknd! Quite a few interesting things happened. Friday night I went to the Mebane X-mas parade. I'm not a big fan of freezing my ass off to watch kids stomp down the road and freeze thier asses off, but Robyn wanted to go and I accepted. It was very good. To my shock the opening maching band was the A&T Aggies! They were damn impressive too! It was an interesting surprise, to say the least and I had quite abit of hypothermic fun. The Graham Middle step team performed also. They were really dragging by the time they got to me. I pulled off my hood and said "GO FALCONS!" They turned and saw me waiving and they picked it up a notch. I didn't realize until the walk back that my bad knee had thoroughly stiffened from the cold and it was a painful hike.

At Best Buy Saturday, I found out that my co-worker in the warehouse was going to be absent. Not good. I had quite a bit of work to do but it was ok. If I stay busy, the night moves quicker.

During a shopping cart run in the parking lot, a little Ford Ranger similair to mine came roaring up beside me and parked. Those most familiar with Ranger know they don't usually "roar". I asked him and he quickly explained that it was converted to a 5.0 Mustang GT engine and tranny. I've been wanting to do this for some time and did quite a bit of reading on the topic. He told me that it was way easier than than most internet folk led on. He showed me the engine and explained everything I needed to do to make it happen and it is sort of simple, but I couldn't do it myself. I see a new idea for my truck forming even now......

Sunday was spent at Debbie,s house for her X-mas party. They have a really cute home and the food was great! She always did know how to throw a party. We're all older adults now, nothing crazy, pretty much family and co-workers. Almost every one there was a teacher, so the topics were things I could deal with. Then I was shown Jason's (Debbie's hubby) RPG collection. He and a co-worker/ gaming buddy talked with me about gaming. I was invited to thier game, but I don't think he realized I live 1.5 hours away. I'd be up for a one-shot, but I can't drive 3 hours round trip to game anymore. Wished they lived closer though....

Car-geekery, band-geekery, teacher-geekery, and game geekery, this was a wonderful weekend indeed!

more on creativity

I failed to mention my creative phase. I want to write a book. I've wanted to write a book since high school and had a basic idea of what I wanted to do, but I've never come to realize it. I'm thinking of writing some short stories first. Just to get my juices flowing. I might post them here, I just don't know yet. When I feel I'm up to task, I'll start a novel.

I was always complimented for my writing in school. I was told by several teacher I was gifted in the area and I should do something with it. I think I'm getting close to the time where I will try to use my talents to good use. If I'm lucky. I could actually profit from the venture.

I think I'll try my hand at as many genres as possible untill I find which best suits my style.

A creative phase

I spent pretty much the whole day Sunday at home cleaning up. I got a decent ammount of progress too. I love a clean house. I hate housework though. There were so many loads of laundry done I lost track and I ran out of hangers to put them on. I'd have like to have accomplished more, but I was rather satisfied with what I had finished.

This weekend was too cold & rainy for any truck nonsense. I'll buy the parts I need on Thursday to get get it finished mechanically. I'll have to get someone to work on the non-functioning brake lights. I bought a starter for my long-defunct Crown Vic. I really like those cars. I might be open to buying another one in the future to have as a decent car. I'm really aggrivated with my Honda. I'm mostly to blame. It runs about as good as can be expected.

Work has been work. Best Buy is a lousy retail job. I like my co-workers, management is pretty inept. Almost every problem in the store stems from mismanagement. I think I might be a part of the problem. I bellyache so much about the place that it must honestly lower morale in my department. Pessimism is highly contaigeous and I'm a carrier. School is easy and pretty decent. Most all the staff has warmed up to me. I feel pretty good about being here and I go with the flow. I wish the job paid more, but you can't have everything, right?

It's now Tuesday. My house still looks pretty decent. I need to vacuum and mop, but it just does wonder to your ego when the house is straight, not playing leapfrog over piles of trash and dirty clothes. I like to walk in and see nice, clean, inviting home, not an embarassing trash heap.

long time, no post

My life has been somewhat busy. I also have not had anything good to write about. Everything is in limbo at the moment. My truck still needs parts to be done, Best Buy is still the cancer of retail, my house is still messy, amd I don't know if I can afford to attend school yet.

I think I want to go to law school after my BA. There is a science teacher here still trying to pass the bar and I told him we should get a firm together after I finish. We can call it Jones & Wilson attorneys at law. He really liked the name. I realize that crime & such will only get worse. Why not be a parasitic ambulance-chaser? You can't change the world, but you can profit from its mistakes.

Last week I had a massive jump in readers. My views are up by 33%. This is great news and we appreciate you, the faithful readers for your continued support.

I think I'm going to try to add more stories to my posts. It appears to be a very popular segment.

Anyway, movie review time. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Being a fan of the books, I was eager to see this movie. I was sorely let down by #3. HP4 was far better. My only disappointment is the fact that it is not designed as a stand alone movie. You have to be knowledgeable of the Harry Potter series to fully enjoy and understand it. But it's not too shabby. The wooden "kid acting" is not there. The delivery and timing are great, the movie seems "alive". It is action-packed, yet it has emotion as well. I very much enjoyed it. If they go in this trend, I'd love to see them all made into movies.

I'm ready for the holidays. It would be made perfect if I didn't have to work at a part time job. Just sit at home and chill, listening to Christmas carrols and sipping chai latte's. My sister is getting grown. I'm going to encourage a not-so agrandized holiday season celebration. Warm get togethers, not some pointless pagan holiday extraviganza where the sacrifice is you cash flow for the next three months. It's really all quite silly.

Speaking of holiday spending, I must work Black Friday at BB from 6 til closing. I'm personally disgusted by all the commercialism. "Show the one's you love how much you care this holiday season. Come put your ass in hock till 2013. Merry effin X-mas.

fear is the mind-killer

For the first time, I'm starting to doubt some of the "good" choices I've made. I work right at 60 hours a week and make just enough to barely get by. I'm so sick of being broke all the time. It seems as though any treat I give myself is too expensive and causes a sacrifice somewhere else. My car is garbage. The truck I've been doting over is garbage. I'm sick of it all. Yesterday I wanted to watch tv....no cable. My computer is a borrowed one. Springs are starting to poke out of my mattress.

I realize that at some point my life seems to revolve around doing without and finding way to work more and make do with nothing.

If you can't tell, I'm frustrated. I know my plan would take a few years to come to any positive results, but I figured working my self half to death and not having much of any kind of luxuries would yeild some measure of financial comfort. But no, I struggle every month, even when I don't "splurge". I might have to give up this career path. I can't exist off what I'm being paid. I'm just sick of going through life feeling like I'm spinning my wheels in the mud.

To put it bluntly, something's going to have to give, because this s**t ain't working anymore.

a hard fought victory

After a few months of planning and only a few hours of tinkering, my truck now runs. I don't like the way the tranny shifts rough, and there are no tail lights, but it is mechanically driveable. The problem was a very simple fix, but it took alot of experimenting to repair it. Next, I'll fix all the minor issues and make it road-ready. After I'm 100% sure it's mechanically sound, I'll start the "creature comfort" part of repairing it.

I feel like crap today. I'm half sick.

more talk about me.

When I created TSOTS, wanted to use it for a dumping ground of all my thoughts, an online therapy session of sorts. It seems to be more of a dear diary thing. Not that it bad, but it does make for some interest moments.

"Hey Paul what's up?"

"Not much, how are you?"

"Not too much, man Besy Buy made me mad. I just might quit."

"Yeah, I read you blog....."

That happened, and it was a surreal moment. I'm no stranger to technology, but using the internet as a medium to project my thoughts and such and actually have a person keeping up with it was a very odd feeling. I think I'm going to do more open ended posts that invite discussion. Opinions and such.

On the homefront, I saw a car at a local dealer lot that I really want. It's a red Suzuki Sidekick. I like the 4 door version very much, and the 4-banger engine makes it cheap to drive. That would be all right. I'll check on it, but I seriously doubt I can get it.

It seems as though they want to give me hours at BB again, I could work all day if I wanted to on Sunday, but that won't happen. I'll probaly offer up myself a bit more to "catch up" and get ahead. Techinically, I work three jobs. A 60 hour work week is rough at best.

When you get to the point that yo work 6 and 7 days a week, it feels like you never stop. There is no "me" time and that, for me, is a crucial thing. You get tired, burned out, and you stop living and start exisiting. All your 'free time goes to housekeeping and bill paying.

I've been working as I do and trying to get back to school because I want the free time.

update...sortof.....

I'm writing to say there was nothing to write about. Haloween sucked and it sucked so bad that not only am I not going to write about what happened, but I may never observe the holiday again.

There was a delay in getting my afterschool pay, so it didn't come on the current check. I was told it should come to us this week.

My car is dying a slow, horrible death. I might try one last time to ge it fixed right, but then I might just try to hold on to it until I can just buck up and get a better car. My truck is as dysfunctional as ever. I'll make a serious effort on that soon.

I've gotten to a point in my current gaming group that I really like playing again. My sorcerer has gotten to a level where he has come unto his own. This has been the most challenging for me to play to date. I like RPG's. It might make me a geek, but it's having a mini vacation from reality for a few hours. In a make-belive land far away, I'm making a difference and having a Hella good time too.

I've been too broke to have done anything else recently.

A life less magical

Due to circumstances I won't write about, I didn't make it to the big Halloween observance at Chapel Hill Monday night. I think it is time for me to give up on the holiday. So, unless I have a major change of heart, there will be no more costume making, candy raids, haunted house visiting, or Halloween parties. It seemed like I was so close, and then I had the world yanked out from under me. I can't deal with the inevitable let down so I refuse to put effort into it anymore.

Sometimes I wonder how people can go year after year, trying to live up these holiday expectations and always being let down, and yet they still go into the next one, just as bright eyed and eager. It's almost masochistic.

I'm a geek. I'm 31 and I still play D&D. I like it. After you own all the books, it is actually a cheap hobby. It is the smallest group I've ever been in and the the most successful.

I just like RPG's. I feel like it's a mini-vacation from reality. I can be someone important, some who makes a difference, if for only a few hours a week. I've been a Jedi Knight, fighting the Empire, a larger-than-life half orc warrior try to come to terms with the world where he is an outcast everywhere except with his adventuring company, a smaller than life sorcerer who's not exactly where he wanted to be in life, but trying to make himself worthy despite the fact if he were any smaller or weaker he'd be crippled.

I like realistic characters, people who struggle. Klegg could crush anything that came his way, yet he was little more than a big kid and really only wanted to be accepted. Klegg never fought for riches or glory, he mainly only wanted to protect the people who cared for him.

Daxt, the jedi was pretty much unstoppable in combat too, he found himself loathing to draw his twin lightsabers, he had been a soldier in a previous life, he saw the force as a tool to help him survive and become a better killer. He learned to love peace and finally desired to heal rather than hack.

Draco, my current character, is a small human sorcerer. he's downright sickly, but he has all sorts of magical prowess

I often play them the way they fight. Klegg was the run in full force and give everything he has type. No subtlety. Daxt was very reserved using his combat skills, so he never really "put everything on the table", he always held back a little. Draco try to keep his hands out of combat. He's knows he'll die.

Personal life updates......quips galore

I decided to confront the manager of the warehouse at Best Buy about what was going on and how I felt about how I was spoken to by her assisitant. She was surprised to hear how he treated me. She found out everyone in our department had a problem with him ranging from the way he treated people to not doing his job properly. I told her that when th GM of the store came back on Monday, I was going to tell him what was going on. If this is the one person that makes an entire store culture not function the way it's supposed to, then he's the one that needs to explore other options, not me.

It started like this:

Last Friday, I discovered I was scheduled to work a Saturday that I had already made other plans. I was told to talk to the warehouse manager. She was out until Sunday. Come Sunday, she told me only the GM can approve people swapping shifts due to them not getting covered. Come to find out he was on vacation, but a person already wanted to trade with me and we were both turned down. I was told by the assistant in the warehouse "If you can't work your schedule as posted, maybe you need to make other arrangements". I almost quit, but I decided to talk to the manager of my dept, she was nice enough to explain the situation and told me they really needed me because the other person that was to work Saturday quit. So I showed up, and it was a very good experience. Everyone asked me what was up when we were changing shifts since it seemed that a few feathers had been ruffled and my name was brought up.

I explained all that has happened and finds out everyone is really upset with this unnamed assistant manager. Now, because of me, everyone is complaining about him to upper management. I guess I got the ball rolling. Or the shout that created the landslide.

I have had 3 personal incidents that were out of line, and I only deal with him once a week, if even that often. I was shocked to learn that his work ethic is a poor as his people skills, and he has people upset with him pretty much everyday he works.

Now that I think of it, every problem I've had at that store revolved around him, except the hours, and now that he's run off half the warehouse staff I could get full time if I wanted it.....I don't. Actually, it's not so bad. The work is not that hard and it is kinda fun working with all the different people joking and having a little fun. We trade quips all night and before you know it, the night is over.

My afterschool program pay going to get in late this month, but they say it will be in by Wed, so I'm good. I would have paniced if they made me wait until December.My tutoring money is the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have complied a list of parts I can put on the truck to see if it can be repaired by an emssions component replacement. I hope to be putting things like creature comforts in it instead of running parts.

Tonight is Halloween. I'm going to try to make it to Franklin St tonight and take pictures and see the sights. I've had a bad time with Haloween the past few years and I wasn't looking forward to it. October 18th was the 17th anniversary of my Grandmother's death. I never did care much for Easter or Christmas after that. She was the person that seemed to make the holidays "magical". That magical part died with her. I've tried with little success to re-kindle my love of Halloween wih little effect. I guess too many things have happened along the way.

I met up with Debbie and her family this Saturday. It was great to see those guys after all these years. We talked, but the conversation was all over the place, mostly education. BTW Nate, she was FLOORED to hear you are a teacher. She invited me to her next outing, and I'll be there if at all possible.

I've noticed I try really hard to be an optimist, but my life has been a little too harsh for that. It's like I built a wall around myself for years and shut everyone out. Then I decide to look outside too see that I wasn't missing anything but drama and greif and wonder what the fuss is all about.

I noticed a few things by hanging out with Debbie Saturday.
1. There's always plenty to talk about and do, no wonder I always liked being around her so much.
2. I'm not the same person I was all those years ago.
3. Compared to Deb and Jason, I've aged badly. I don't think I look as young as they do. She hasn't seemed to age a bit.

I get into my school stories when I tell them, and she was genuinely freaked by my "crazy eyes" stare. I've noticed most teachers have the "you have screwed up" look that they try to use to keep kids inline before any real discipline happens. Punishment takes effort, or so I've learned. So when the teacher seems to show no mercy in the punishent they doled out, it's because you made them waste their own time on you for something other than what they are paid for. I digress.

Every teacher has thier own "serious stare". It ususally compliments the style they have. All the great teachers I remember have vicious stares that are the stuff of nightmares. Some teachers have the quiet deadpan stare. Debbie did hers for me, and I admit it would have made me wither inside. She has the cold, evil stare down. Ms B (one of my HS english teachers)had the sadistic matriarch slide into medusa stare that scared the Hell out of me on my first day of school. Ms Faucette, my boss, has bright eyes and a warm smile, I think she is a cool person. But her stare looks like her enitre face frowns. I'll know what "you're fired" looks like. I'd love to get some choice ones and post them. Maybe a the book on the topic, with interviews and the psychology behind it.........hmmmmm.

I'd like to do a book on assertive discipline in schools. Even in the few years I've been doing it, I've learned quite a bit about what works, what doesn't, and what is tools and techniques are crucial to achieve optimal results. I'd love to create a book with an effective program. Maybe do public speaking tours during my Summers. that would be awesome. The Wilson Discipline Approach seminar, teaches you skills and shows you rescources to keep you school under control. Sign up today!

not much today

I haven't had too much going on this week. I've been plenty busy, but nothing new and exciting. I need either a way to shave down my living expenses, or do way better than Best Buy. I want to get on with the summer cleaning crew next year, and that would be a fine summer suplament to my pay. If I could save up my cash with the extra from the after school program, I won't have to do anything. I don't know, I kind of like the idea of tooling around the house all Summer, making repairs, doing projects, and grilling out. Sounds like fun to me.

Nathan made an comment about lottery odds. I've also heard all these disparaging comments for years. Yes, I know it's 146 million to one odds. Yes, I know I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. I enjoy it. I like playing the lottery. There is no lottery in NC, yet. We take a road trip to Virginia once a month. I buy lottery tickets and scratch-off cards. We have dinner and talk about all the wonderful stuff we'll do when we're rich. Some of it is just fantasy, but I don't plan my success or my future on the lottery. I'm in a career, I have a five year plan, and I'll be successful with or without it. I love how some people say it's an unfair tax on the poor. The successful people of the world cannot have any concept of the need for hope in a poor man's life. When you give up hope, you start dying inside. Besides, the flaw in the lightning argument is there are more lighning strikes than lottery drawings each year. If lightning only struck twice a week in one random spot in the world, the odds of would be even. Also, how many lottery winners have been struck by lighning I wonder?

The truck is in total disarray. There are things not hooked up that should be. I'm not too sure I can do too much without a good reference point. I'm getting mad enough to put a 302 V8 in it and be done with it. I'll wait until next month to see what I come up with when I actuallt have money to do it.

Time to die

I just deleted my political blog because I'm not too terribly concerned with keeping it up right now. I take intrest in politics and world events, but not enough to elaborate on it daily. RIP wilsonpolitics.blogspot.com.

Weekend wasteland

Didn't do much. I helped Robyn put together her kid's bedroom furniture. It's the cheap Sauder stuff, but I liked it, new matresses too. I'm so jealous.

Putting the furniture together is the tedious part. It takes about 8 hours of consistent effort to put two of those kits together. And if someone is staning over your shoulder asking questions is nerve-shattering. No, niether Robyn nor her mother critcized my assembly of the pressboard monstrosities, but I can only imagine that most domestic abuse cases start with a Suader furniture kit. Imagine a trailer somewhere. The patriarch of the family, a marginally educated man,trying to decipher the instructions through a haze of cigarette smoke, a beer buzz, kids screaming, tv blasting, and wife critiqueing every move.

He starts swearing at all of them because it's obvious only to him that he can't focus due to the nagging, and screaming, and the tv. He can't even hear himself think, let alone figure out the cryptic instructions that seem to be in every language but English. Now his kids are crying, his wife is now screaming at him for talking to his family like that, he is slipping into a psychotic rage even now. He goes to leave, he needs to calm down, she wants to fight. She says a few cutting remarks blocking his path out. He pushes her out of the way and makes a few choice comments in retort. She picks up the the first breakable thing she can grab and hurls it with all her might towards his head. It shatters and and rends delicate flesh., sending warm blood flowing. She pushes him from the door and threatens him. His instincts have gone from flight to fight and stands up to beat her within an inch of her life. Next he beat beats all of his kids and sends them running. This is about the time the sheriff shows up and sees a drunken rage.

He's hauled off in a police cruiser, she's in the back of an ambulance. A social worker is with the kids trying to find relatives to take them in and two detectives are taking pictures and sorting out the the clutter: a shattered porcilin unicorn, shredded cardboard, empty beercans, spilled ashtays, and a half assembled Sauder entertainment center, just out of layaway this morning. Damn you Sauder, damn you.

I made a few diagnostic test to my ranger. Compression seems to be strong. I took off some of the sensors that could be cleaned and soaked them in solvent. I'll reattach them in the next few days to see if it makes a difference. If not, I'll replace the uncleanable sensors and see what we have from there. I still feel good about the potental of the truck, it just needs tlc.

As of yesterday, I'm so sick of Best Buy, I can't stand it. I have something I want to do and I can't, I ask a week in advance to help me out, but they refuse, in a threatening manner no less. I think it's the department I'm in. I'll see about transferring to another one and perhaps I'll enjoy it more. I'll probably quit either way.

Man, I gots to hit that lottery.

Coasting on fumes

I'm broke. It's a bad feeling when you work as much as I do and have nothing to show for it. I had to miss the Guilford College open house due to an assembly for the afterschool program I do as my part-time job. We were there until after 7, it was hot and fairly boring, but there were a few highlights. The Carolina Panthers Topcat cheerleaders were there, at least for of them. I'm pretty sure very attractive women, in skin-tigh clothing, gyrating to music is a great way to get the attention of middle school boys, I'm not too sure it's all that appropriate. They were well behaved, but if there's not too much thought on misbehavior when you're in a sweltering hot gym being bored to tears.

I got my truck home on Tuesday, I've been reading up on what all might be wrong. It seems to be somewhere in the sensors malfunctioning. I'll clean the ones I can, replace the ones I can't one by-one untill we get her smoothed out. I'm actually more confident in the project now than I was before. I think it just needs a good cleaning out, the computer reset, and driven a few days so it can figure out what's going on for itself. Computerized cars can find their equillibrium but boy, all those sensors are a real pain.

I have had a surprise blast from the past, Debbie Woodruff has gotten back in touch with me. I find it funny how my life seems to be running in a big circle these days. I keep in touch with my high school freinds, Paul & Nate, more than just about anyone else. Debbie was a very dear friend in High School. Honestly, she's one of the few people I would trust in school. She was the smartest person I think I knew. I really don't think I can find one bad thing to say about Debbie. She's invited me to get together and catch up. She's married, has a beautiful daughter, and a very stable career. Out of all my friends, I knew she'd do the best. I've done horrible. I'm almost embarrased to catch up with old friends. I've made a series of poor choices that has led up to this comedey of errors I call life.

I was talking to an 8th grade teacher, she said that intellectual people never get anywhere in life because they are too atune to the details and never take caution to the wind. Interesting perspective. I agree totally, but I'd never heard it put that way before. Dumber people who are successful are successful because they have a one-track mind. Like a predator, they lunge at a goal and never mind the details and usually succeed just from sheer tenacity and concentrated effort. I know a fellow like that. he owns about 15 Domino's Pizza stores. Rich man,not terribly bright, but he told me something similiar. "The secret to success is hard work, a little luck and sticking with what you know. I don't know s--t except for pizza, so here I am. Figure out what you know well and put all your effort there. You'll make money."

That might be over-simplistic, but then again, maybe complicating things is half my problem.

What a day, Tuesday.....

I called out of work to attend an enrollment seminar at Guilford College. It was too full to attend, so I re-scheduled for Thursday evening but got all my transcripts and finacial information together, so it was not in vain.

Got the final missing part for my truck and it still won't work right. It's now time to do this myself. The person my parents insisted I take it to wanted the truck, now I think he's just trying to either make me not want it, or trying to squeeze me for money. Either way, if I were to give up on it, I'd sell it on ebay and certainly not to him.

Robyn took me to the State Fair. I sure was excited. We ate at the restraunt she works at, Ted's. It was wonderful as usual.

The State Fair ususally means a few things to me. Deep fried junk food. Pretzels, funnel cakes, fries twinkies.......I ate a fried twinkie. It tasted like congestive heart failure, which means pretty darn tasty. The next thing the fair is all about is the rides I tend not to go on, since we were broke, I opted out of the rides. The last would be the animals, tiny horses, and giant rabbits all out where you can pet them.

This year Robyn wanted to see Kenny Rogers, she liked him as child and wanted to see him before he dies. I got the seats last month, they were nosebleeder tickets. I looked out the window and I saw my house, which is an hour's drive away. Kenny was in good form, I'm not really a fan but he sounded very good and I enjoyed myself. Robyn didn't do as well. Robyn's dad died of cancer in 1994 and he was the spitting image of Kenny Rogers. I saw an aged performer who has seemingly gotten better over ther years at working a crowd. She saw her father, and although she enjoyed the show, it was very emotional for her. I can imagine. My grandmother's favorite performer was KR. There are alot of his records in her collection. When Christmas time came round, she listen to old records and his were always in the mix.

We got lost after the show and didn't get our bearings untill after the fair was closing for the night I didn't get to see any man-eating bunnies, but it was still fun.

I'll be arranging to take my truck home tonight. I'll work on it at home in my spare time. more to come......

blue......

I think the winter blues are starting to come early. Not that I'm totally depressed, I just feel a little blue, a little muted, a tad sedate.

I have a major hurdle in my goals ahead of me soon. Getting back into school and getting it financed. If I can't, I don't know what to do next. I'm not stressed either. I'm in a "I guess we'll just see" mood.

I found out today unexpectedly one of my dogs was pregnant. If they are healthy puppies, my property tax problems are solved this year. It was nasty too. I was grooming them one last time before winter, and my sister insisted we do this dog first. I picked her up and noticed she was like a tick ready to pop. She had milky tets and a loose mucus plug, that means any day now. And it means I was too grossed out to eat lunch.

Paul made me a whole DVD full of goodies, can't wait to see it. I talked to him for awhile, I was supposed to go his shop, but I was too worn out for such shenanigans after everything else.

I had to go to the holiday pep rally at Best Buy. We were talking about teamwork and poicy and all other types of nonesesnse. I cracked a few hateful jokes that the employees loved and the manager I was talking about didn't. I guess I'll be working one hour a week now. I actually had another employee come up and say "how you gonna say that? You're crazy!"
No, I'm not crazy, I don't care anymore. There is a certain liberty to be found in not caring. If you have a good work ethic, it can make you an incredible employee. it can also make you leave at the first slighted comment. I'm somewhere in the middle.

I made a joke once about I hope they raise the bar because I'm a limbo kind of guy. Sometimes I wonder.......

I'm taking all day Tuesday off to apply to Guilford College. Perhaps I might get some questions answered. The main question is: how the heck am I going to pay for it all? Then, how am I going to drive to G'borro 2 times a week? My car is a piece of doo-doo.

Doo-doo is a hilarious word to me.

Honing my craft

I do believe I'm getting better at my job. I can go for days without having any real problems. The students, even thought they change from day to day, seem to almost instinctivly know what I expect from them and make effort to not incur my wrath. I guess I have become the sadistic nightmare everyone dreads. I get a little choked up at the thought, Granny would be so proud of me.

Today has been a pleasant day outside. That mechanic should have finished my truck by now, even if he did, my money is running out for the month and I may not be able to pay him at this point until my next payday. I guess he'll just have to wait.

I was thinking about the teacher shortage. The way to solve our teacher problem is to pay them more. If teachers had a competitive salary for the type of work they did, then there would be a teacher surplus and then schools could cherry pick from the very best, not scrape the bottom of the barrel. And let me tell you, there are some dingleberries that teach.

I guess America's biggest problem is that it demands quality on the cheap. You can't always get it like that.

Changing life.

I've had quite a few very goof reiends in my life that we all met either at work or at school. Then we part ways. I find it hard sometimes to relate how we once did. Pizza people don't get "teacher problems" just as jerks that don't tip are starting to fade away from my "I hope you burn in Hell" list.

behavioral theory

I thought it would be funny to experiment with climate control in my classroom. When it was in the 80's a few weeks ago, I cut the AC way up to see if freezing the students would make them calmer. It actually had the reverse effect. They became antsy. When I cut it up to make it hot in the room, they became very lethargic. I had a similiar sitation last year when my room was not heatd properlybut during the winter they were lethatgic during uncomfortable cold.

The theory: a sort of behavior control can be achieved by manipulating ambient room temprature. But the desired effect depends on the season. In summer, the warmer they are, the less they move about. the opposite is true in winter. I seriously doubt that my findings would have much impact on the learning process, but if you make them uncomfortable when in an ISS program, thier might be a negative psycological imprinting of ISS being passively unpleasant, as well as actively punitive. I think the term is "miserable".

Speaking of uncomfortable, years ago, I dated a girl who ate macrobiotic food. The word meand "big life" sort of an all natural approach to eating. She introduced me to "miso" soup on a date. This stuff is all natural and has enzymes and bacterium that is supposed to be super-healty. She told me the soup can cleanse the body and it had to be true because I had the foulest gas of my life that night. For those who may not be so familiar with me, that is a big statement.

Thinking of problem students, everyone plays into the races. Black kids get into more trouble than white kids, or so they say. I have more black kids in ISS but I have the most problems with whites. I don't know what the deal is, and I can only speculate. I think black kids get in trouble mostly because teachers don't know how to control them. I tend to not have a problem with the black kids. The white kids mostly get in trouble because the "problematic" ones are pure evil.

How can I say that? By the crimes. I can't recall one black serial killer. I can name at least 5 whites. Plenty of crack heads and theives, but not a single chop you up alive, eat your still-beating heart, make neckaces out of your teeth, and bury the remains in under thier house honkey-crime-comitting lunatics. The only way you describe alot of white crime is evil.

The weather today is dreary, but dry. Maybe I'll get my truck today. If the lazy jackleg doesn't hurry, he'll have to wait until next month to get paid.

My foot is feeling much better even though it still hurts a bit. If we get gym time today, I'm playing soccer. i need to burn some calories

Just a quiet, rainy day filled with meloncholly

Not mine, but he children who are in ISS today. We had an incedent yesterday that was as bad as I think middle school being without someone actually dying. I had no part in it, but it still saddened me to no end. Two students were caught using hardcore illegal drugs. They are 12 & 13 year old children. Who would give give that to a child? What kind of monsters and villians do we have out there? The thought of someone making such things available to childred destroys the theory of inherent good in the world for me. Today, it feels darker and dirtier than all other days I can remember. So I'm in an incredibly rotten mood. Perfect for ISS.

I'm a big fan of talk radio. I wonder if that would torturous to them? It's silent some days, I can only hear the lights

I don't think I'm going to do anything for Halloween this year. It's my favorite time of year, but my heart (and cash) really are not up for it. Three years in a row have been crappy, one was my own doing. If I have about one more bad one, I might never do anything again. Also, I shoot myself in the foot because I never can do cheap Halloween costumes. So, the pirate costume I wanted to do this year is out of my price range.

Due to the miserable weather this week, my truck will most likely not be repaired anytime soon. Oh well. i noticed yesterday it is a long bed. I personally prefer the look of the short bed, but it will be more practical. Speaking of practical, I'd really like an extend or crew cab. I would like more leg room in my truck.

I'll have a nice, quiet day at home tonight. I think I'll get my house back together. It's not too messy, generally, but it could sure use some work. I want to get it clean & cozy in time for winter. I'll try to get a record player next month. I want to play my grandparents old records. Warm, clean house, soup & grilled cheese, and old records. That's a cure for winter blues right there.

Weekend blues

I went to work on my truck on Saturday, only to find the fellow who was supposed to be working on it all along had finally started working on it. Today, it's raining, so he most likely won't get anything done to it. So I'll have to wait for a dry day to see it running.

I went to VA on Sunday to play the lottery. I get a ticket for Mega Millions and a few scratchers. I had a $10 winner to cash in from my last trip and I bought two more $5 scratchers I had four all together. The first three were nothing, but number four was good for $15, so we pulled into the next place, and I cashed it in on three more. Two duds & one $10 one! I asked Robyn to pull in to the next stop (the last place to buy before the NC state line) she refused, saying that we had to be at her house to pick up her kids. She was right, we were cutting it close, but as we sped for home, I was left with the lingering thought.....third time's a charm. To Hell with it, if it is meant to be, it will happen when it's time to happen. Besides, I was only going to buy her a house with the winnings anyway. If third time is a charm, perhaps the actual lottery ticket will be my big winner......$65 million.

I'm realistic, I know I have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning, but it's still fun and I'm not going to let my bills lapse in hopes of "hitting it big". It's also hope. Hope can get you out of bed. Hope can make you hold on just a little longer.

A few years ago, I was eating out with Robyn, across the room, there were two older people eating. The were having a lively, friendly conversation over dinner. I hoped the were married all these years and still loved each other enough to have light hearted banter over dinner. If it were, that's what I want. Get married and love that person all the days of your life. And when you're old enough to eat half price, still have fun together. I couldn't bear to be the old folks that never speak to one another. The old couple that some time around the Nixon administration, they had said everything new, funny, or interesting there was to say to each other and stopped right there.

last week I saw two older people that looked like trailer trash. Life had not been kind. they were dirty and wearing tattered clothes, but they were holding hands, looking warmly at one another, and laughing while grocery shopping. I thought they were really lucky. Nothing has ever been as dreary as it could have been if you had some who loves you to share it with. There is a kind of hope in that.

more filler than meatloaf

I got my header for the truck re-threaded and I WAS going to try to put it on tonight, but several things happened.

1. Robyn called and asked for my help. She plied me with food.
2. I got out of work way too late.
3. Lost was on tonight.
$. I think I broke my foot in the after-school program.

It's hard to judge, usually swollen, purple, & thobbing is a good thing. I can bend my toes with effort, but not very easily. I might be going to the doctor tomorrow.

I was playing soccer with the Hispanic kids, one fell in front of me and I tripped over him I jammed my two outside right-foot toes hard. I felt the "pop". I could have stomped on him and saved myself, but I instinctively tried to stop myself.

I guess causing the ISS teacher to hurt themselves is kind of an accomplishment. All I know is it burns like hell, even nearly 8 hours later.

I'm tired, more to come.

always a catch

The guy that's going to put the manifold on has started making out like it's going to take a lot of work to fix.....bull. If I had a proper set of tool and the work space to do it in, I could be finished in an hour. So I feel a reaming coming on. I called out of BB tody. I just don't want to work a Sunday. They give me one crappy day a week. I don't mind so much, but damn. Let me work Friday, Saturday, or even Sunday morning, but not a school night.

I found out why the store has so few hours to impart. They are losing money in Burlington. Yep, they found out my town is packed full of brokeasses, I'm sure the store will stay there, but nobody I know can afford much of the stuff they sell. I'd rather buy from a place like tigerdirect.com and buy cheaper than I can get with my employee discount. I even bought a mini fridge from Lowes and saved $10 (and that was including my discount!). No one gives a damn about best buy, they like cheap stuff here. Why? All the factory jobs that kept this area vital were shipped overseas. I even want to leave when I can get my education finished to the point I have marketable skills.

http://ap.thecabin.net/pstories/technology/20050929/3326489.shtml <---this is awesome. I can only imagine what impact such technology will have. I also like the verizon wireless-broadband access, it is only in its infancy, but I see that as being the next big thing. I hope all this extra radiation in the air isn't mutating us....hmmmmmm.

I'm going to start carrying a camera around. I see a ton of screwy stuff and I want to start documenting it. I have a cocept for taking a few pics and posting wry comments about them. I know it's old hat, but gimme a break.

mission successful

After a great fight against an inanimate piece of junk and in a not so strange ironic twist, I have the pieces I need to repair the truck. It took four hours with inapropriate tools to wrench the exaust manifold from the truck. This part has everthing I need to fix the emissions and hopefully it is all I need. As I was pulling the part, Harmon called me. Harmon is a shadetree mechanic I've come to know. I trust him quite abit, but the only problem is that by the time my cars need attention, they are very difficult to repair. I digress.

He called to tell me he found the part I needed and pulled string to get it for me. My only problem is I would normally have turned him down, but an asset like Harmon is nothing to neglect. He can find car parts that are otherwise impossible to locate. So I bought the parts I needed twice.

Even though I got a great deal on the truck, too many repeat expenses will widdle my saving down to a break-even situation.

It seems as though Paul's approach birthday is rather auspicious. He turns 30 this Wednesday and is making the typical pre-midlife crisis changes....30th birthday resolutions. Thirty was a big deal when I passed it also, so I understand where is coming from. 30 is the offical "damn I'm old" age, but it is al cultural implications. You'll be dumbfounded for a few days and then life goes on, nothing special afterwards.

So here's to Paul, don't poison yourself this week, we got a few steaks to grill on Thursday.

last ditch effort

Even as I'm staying up way too late. I'm waking early tomorrow to try to get my exaust manifold for my truck. I can only hope the greedy bastards at the junkyard will sell it to me. This may be my last attempt to get the darned thing running for awhile. More to come.

The mind of a middle schooler

I guess I might be out of touch, but it seems like the entire process of a middle schoolers thoughts include music, fighting, basketball, and the oppsite sex. Every other thing in thier life is just superflous information. It also seems as though truth has very little to do with their reality.

I think the truth part has some part to do with thier sense of denial. It often seems as though they are so narsacistic that it is impossible to put blame on themselves. It is quite possible that it is a lingering aspect of being a coddled child. Their life is so full of paradoxes and contradictions that it easy to see why they get so confused and often times misguided.

All I know is that they hard headed.

doctors....

I don't like them. They seem to always be able to find something wrong and give out a drug that has more side effects than benefits. Yet I find myself at an odd crossroad.

I turned 31 this year. Aside from getting really sick almost five years ago for about a month, I've not gone to a doctor since I was a child. Now, I don't know if I'm just getting older, or if there is something wrong with me.

I won't go into everything I've noticed, but at least one day a week I get very tired and have to nap after school. As a child I was unique in the fact that I didn't take naps. My eariest memories were of all the other kids in day care zonked out and I was just bored and waiting for the adults to tell me I could get up. As a young adult, I thrived on only a few hours of sleep a night. Now I have got to get some rest.

Wondering if I have some horrid health problem makes me think of faith. I like faith, I want to believe in a higher power. With a higher power comes hope and a sense of purpose. It makes you feel like there is always something better just around the corner, no matter how bad it gets. It may not make sense, but there is a reason for everything.

The bad part about religon is the way it is presented. 2000 years ago, in the desert, people saw all this wonderous, miraculous stuff. Then it was like "keep the faith, and we'll be back one day to get you!" With the exception of parlor tricks, well-proven forgeries, and the occasional food stuff on ebay, nothing. No post cards, birthday gifts, nothing.

Is it the whole "catch 22" thing? Gotta have faith. Faith is trust, and trust is a rare commodity.

I tend to never speak on my wavering faith. I figure that if I'm misguided and I spread too much dissention, I'll really be screwed. If I'm right, then why shake the believers? If it makes you happy and it doesn't hurt anybody else, go for it. These days I figure maybe someone will throw in thier two cents. I think everyone needs the occasional "Hey! Sorry I can't stay in touch as much as I'd like, but I just wanted you to know I love you and I think about you. I can't wait to see you again." I think faith is love and trust and sometime I just don't know. But I remember a time when God and Heaven were as obviously real the Sun, the Earth, and even the computer I'm typing on right now. I miss that feeling. It felt very safe.

Plans....

There's always time to write when there is nothing to write about. Life is at a stand still right now. I don't have the last part for my truck, still hoping I can get college financed, trying to watch my wieght, BB still is lousy due to lack of hours, my day job is still awesome except for the pay.

I think the hardest part of not delivering pizza anymore is not having cash in-hand every day. All of my jobs are direct deposit jobs. I never see cash unless I withdraw it from an ATM. It's hard to get used to. I like the feel of a stuffed wallet in my back right pocket I like the feel anf smell of fresh money. Swiping a little peice of plastic just doesn't hold the spending satisfaction as does counting out fresh bills. Not to mention, it's easier to keep track of your finances. When the money's gone, you stop spending.

I think I'll be going up to a queen sized bed very soon. I think I need some luxury sizing. My current matress has just about had it. I'm actually starting to wonder if I'm just too rough on matresses (get your minds out of the gutter). I was given an almost new full sized matress less than two years ago, and its just about ruined. The box spring is cracked, the matrees will not return to shape even after turning it. It's just not pleasant anymore. I must be a very restless sleeper, or something.

I gained 5 pounds from all the consumption this past week, so now I'm going moderate again and I'm going to try to get to 200 by Nov 1.

I was watching a show about people who feel they are addicted to eating. The one bohemoth they interviewed made a good point. Smokers can quit smoking. Alcoholics can stop drining. If you are addicted to food, you can't just stop eating. I really don't have much sympathy for junkies, but to be addicted to something you need to survive. How do you beat that?

I was just thinking.

My friend Paul, who's website can be accessed here. Can put a very amusing spin on life. I was reading through and he had an idea for a shampoo for goths. Gothica - Shampoo for Goths "Beacuse it's hard to celebrate the utter empitiness of existence when your hair smells like strawberries". I find that funny everytime I read it. I find the whole goth thing to be full of irony too. All the leather and velvet, the black makeup. It seems like an awful lot of work for the person who lives an empty existence. I guess life is full of little hypocritical nuances like that.

I aw a deleted scene from Napoleon Dynamite last night and it was so funny, that I now must watch the whole movie. It was a kickball scene in which ND gets into it with another student. After that, it's all too funny.

Got my school picture taken today. My mom would never forgive me if I didn't. She's as fervent now as she was when I was actually the student.

I really don't have much to say. It was a decent non-eventful day

The bane of my exisitence......

EC, or exceptional needs kids. These guys age me in dog years when they are in here. I have three in my room today, and they just make me so tired. It seems as though they have made the bar so low for them, that misbehavior is the norm. I get a decent level of behavior, for a class room, but not for me. In fact, they would probably be ideal students if they behaved they way the do when they are isolated. I don't pretend to know what all is wrong with them. I do know that in 1979, when I started school, there was no such thing as ADD. Even if there were, ADD is Attention Deficit Disorder, not act like a wild jackass disorder. All the ADD kids seem the same. They come from wrecked homes. I wonder if the attention deficit is the lack of attention they get from thier parents.

Then you add ritalin into the mix. As far as I can see, ritalin does nothing for these kids. They still misbehave. That particular drug is not behavior-modification medicine. It just sedates them and makes them junkies.

Alot of people go around think pills will solve all thier problems. They won't. In fact, I'm disgusted that our medical profession seems to be going around trying to make everyone believe they need to be happy all the time. life should be a mixture of emotions. They accent, define, and compliment one another. I think I tend to lean towards bouts of depression. I have no excuses, I just feel blue from time to time, and I deal with it.

Back to the wild kids, if they could be made to fear authority figures again, all this ADD stuff would be a moot point.

Bad moon rising

Today is a slowday at school......so far. Tonight is a full moon and usually, we have the most trouble during these times. By this time tomorrow, I'll probably be packed in here. I have to do more paperwork this year, but it's really involved, so when I do it, it makes the day go by faster.

I'm getting four days of afterschool tutoring this week cha-ching. I'll most likely wind up with three days a week. I won't see the cash for a month, but I'm patient. I can wait.

I may have all the parts I need to get my truck going. I'll have to wait a few days before I can see if they will work. If they do, I'll be sooooo happy.

There was a piece on talk radio last night about putting "under God" out of the pledge of alliegence. The Host is opposed to the pledge all together. I saw his point. We are not getting any benefit from having the kids say the pledge every morning. Why continue the stale old ritual? I know why I do. My boss likes doing it, and wants the kids doing it. I don't think they learn anything by saying this empty pledge every day. I like America, and I like our rights and freedoms. I'm not too crazy about the pledge.

Typing after lunch makes me sleepy.

the culture of victims

I've grown up in an interesting time. The age of pop culture. American pop culture is consumer driven, basicly, commercials and brands names saturate ever nook and cranny of our existence. Facial tissue is most often called klenex, bleach is clorox. If you say golf, everyone thinks of Tiger Woods.

And then you get to the food and all the pop culture icons. Ronald McDonald, Cap'n Crunch, the Trix rabbit, the Pillsbury Doughboy (my personal favortie), Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemihma, and the list goes on. These icons, the well-crafted hawk thier products to us in commercals and print ads. Sometime they even sell thier likenesses in the form of toys. And the branding begins.

It goes further than that though. You think of fast food you're thinking about McDonalds. We've grown up in a time where the marketers put playgrounds in the restraunt, not to be nice to the kids, but to sell more burgers.
"Mommy! I want to eat at McDonald's." And why not? Toys with the meal, an indoor playground, and sugary foods, a kid will go nuts to eat there, and parents will give in. The kids are programed at an early age to see McFood as comforting. Happy childhood memories are associated with eating there. So when those children are adult, they will bring thier kids to McDonald's to gorge on grease, sugar, and salt.

When you take it a step further, and realize that McFood will give you McHealth problems in the long run, the big clown and his junkie food peddleing cronies look more and more like villians to us. Are they really that bad?

Blaming McDonald's for you being fat and at-risk for heart attacks is alot like blaming the apple tree in the garden of eden for Adam disobeying God and getting in trouble. Adam made his own choice, just like we do everyday. We seldom choose the right way, we opt for the easy way. We all went to school and learned about nutrition. We all know that fast food and sweets will make you huge. But it tastes so good. Then, you get another icon....Richard Simmons (ick) sitting there crying with some woman that looks like a beached whale talking about how junk food ruined her life.

We have a society of victims, it's not the person who ate fast food everyday and had a heart attack's fault No, it Ronald's fault. Ronald McDonald mad you fat. The Pillsbury Doughboy was his accomplice, The took your money and your health and made thier getaway on the Budwieser Clydesdale Horses.The Marlboro Cowboy just hypnotized you into smoking until cancer takes your life, he was riding a horse too.

Are they really the ememies? No, if there is a villain to be found it is within ourselves. Our tendancy to over-indulge, to neglect ourselves. A cookie or two from the pillsbury doughboy will not hrt you. Eating a whole plateful in one sitting will. That's why they are called treats. If you decided to eat at McDonald's one night a week, you'll be fine. Eating at McDonald's five days a week is fast tracking yourself to an early grave.

The typical American diet:
Breakfast : sugary cereal, danish, fast food, or nothing
Snack: Candy bar
Lunch: Almost always fast food (we're in a hurry, right?)
snack: wow, lotta snacks, but all them high carb foods run through you.
Dinner:Almost always something bad.
Midnight snack: something nice and sugary to sleep on.

Add smoking to that and wow. You are well on your way to becoming a statistic.

The concept of moderation in all things is not new. Buddah was telling that one thousands of years ago. If you eat the right foods, you just about can't get fat without first having a medical condition.

I'm a fan of low carb diets. I don't eat low carb all the time, but voiding bread, sugar and drinking plenty of water helps me. I have yet to dedicate myself to it thoroughly enough to be "thin", but I ve lost over 20 lbs.

In the end, people can always say no, but they don't. No one but themselves should have to pay for the poor choices they make.

busy bee that's me!

I'm proud to report that I no longer feel like my job is superfulous. I've had a total of 15 kids today, with infractions ranging from dress code to fighting. It's kinda strange, it seems as though some of the kids really feed off me being strict. I guess they don't have dads at home to yell at them. I think they really need structure and I wish I could help them all. But I love every last one of them. They keep me in buisness. My cubicles had an unexpected effect. The kids move to look around and it catches my eye. They now think I'm always watching them. I'm not. Also, after three or four hours in isolation, they get kind of twitchy. It's actually quite amusing to watch. Seriously, I struggled with behavior today. But the day is only 8 hours no matter how tough it gets.

On the truck front, still can't find my missing part. I will get it right if I have to have one machined to spec. I really want my truck running.

I'm also proud to report that my main rooms of the house are no longer wrecked. Main rooms are the kitchen, living room, and bath room. So now I can pretty much guarantee nobody will visit anytime soon. It seems like I only have guests when my home is messy. Now my next focus will be the back porch and the computer room.

Nice Saturday

Saturday night I had dinner with Robyn. I've been doing decent in the cash dept, so I took Robyn to her favorite reseraunt. Her favorite place to eat is the place she waits tables: Teds Montana Grill.

Ted's is an interesting place. Thier specialty is bison dishes. Yes, buffalo meat. Not only is is tender and flavorful, it is a very dense protien. You will not get hungry for a very long time. That stuff seems like an ideal food stuff for a low-carb diet, a small ammount of meat can last a grown man quite awhile.

She had a salad and two top-shelf magaritas. By top shelf, I mean the teqilla was $85 a bottle, but it makes a fine drink. I find it funny that the mixed drink or "cocktail" was a prohibition-era creation to make cheap liquor palatable. Today, with all the quality liquors, a few mixed drinks can get you smashed and never even realize it.....until you try to stand up. Anyway, I had the bison bbq spare ribs. I was disappointed at how small the portion was, but I was soon reminded that a little bison goes a long way. The rib meat was ample, and very lean. The barbeque sauce was subtle, yet slightly tangy. It was a perfect compliment to to ribs and took nothing away from the natural flavor of the meat. I had grilled asparagus as a side. It seemed a little over grilled, the grill-smoke flavor seemed to overpower the asparagus today, but still a nice dish. I would have loved a sweet tea with such a meal, but I'm limiting my sugar intake, so it was diet coke.

With $14 in mixed drinks alone, without her employee discount, the meal would have been well over $70. But for such a quality meal, we got quite a bargain.

Next we went to Southpint Mall, I usually thoroghly enjoy it there, but it seems on Saturday nights, the whole place is choked up with thugs. Now the term thug has nothing racially charged in this context. The thug has basically replaced trashy in my mind. A thug is any young person who is loud, crude, offensive, and overbearing. I find that white kids make the most untolerable thugs. I seems as though thugs are immersed in the hip-hop "gangsta" culture and with it having roots in young black culture, it seems as though the white thugs go for the image and the attitude without any of the real "spirit" of the culture itself.

The bad part is, the "respect me I'm hardcore" approach that thugs have actually work to have the opposite effect. I had to use the bathroom at Southpoint, two thugs were in front of us dressed in clothes so baggy, the looked like modern harlequins. They were staggering about in some sort of strut to make them look hardcore, it wasn't working. They were loud and swearing, making references to how they had to use the bathroom as well. The main part of the mall had closed, and a police officer was standing watch. He was a large, older black man with a cold stare. He promtly turned the two thugs away, but he let me in. Why? Was I respectful? Did he dispise the fact that these thugs make his whole culture look bad? I don't know. But when I was a young hooligan, I got similiar treatment. I think the trick is learning to play by the "unspoken rules" of society.

Robyn gets mad at me when we go out. I hate large crowds, and I hate large crowds of thugs even more. I stand my ground. I have felt that people will try to walk directly into your path to try to make you move for them. I take offense to that. I have ofter gone halfway in crowded situations, giving room when it was given, but for someone to pretend that I'm either not there, or they have more right than I do to walk through me, I won't budge. People tend to move for me. They won't for her. I think because I grew up kinda rough, I have that "don't tred on me" air to myself. Where I'm from, the area I was raised, you could never back down. To show weakness was dangerous. Is moving out of someone's way in a mall dangerous or a sign of weakness? No, of course not. I guess I feel as though my rights or personal enjoyment should never be infringed upon by a fool that want to walk all over me because he can.

To a certain extent, I think that's what's wrong with the country. We no longer stand our ground when we know we are in the right, and we suffer for it. Being the bigger person doesn't always mean backing down standing up for what you believe is right and good is the greater. I won't expect a person to move out of my way, but I wll, give ample berth to a person gives way for me. That's just basic respect.

We were going to see a singer/songwriter called Angie Aparo (a personal favorite) his claim to sub-fame is that he wrote Faith Hill's hit "Cry". His version is so much better than hers. But I had to be in to BB at 7 to do the adset, and I wasn't in the mood to be in a crowd, especially after southpoint's gangland tour. We went to Walmart and got some nessessities I almost bout a mini fridge for my room, but decided to wait and do some price shopping. Good choice. I saved about $10 all together.

I spent way too much money this weekend. Just about 200 in total. I can't really afford to go out like that, but sometimes, I can't afford not to. Robyn and I had a wonderful time together, and it was worth every penny. Now back to ramen noodles!

Actually, if I'm conservative for the rest of the month, I'll be able to keep my bills paid up and eat well, that's beore I figur in the fact I have one more BB check coming to me! The next evening together will have to be cooked at home and a rented movie, or something nice like that.

I'll be getting tutoring money, probably staring next month. I'm joining the after school program and it pays professionals $15/hr. I can only do 2 hour a day, 2 days a week. (I'm going to try to shoot for 3!) But that's an extra 60 a week before taxes. Not shabby. I need to find ways to cut my expenses even further, so I can afford more nice nights out like that.

I'll most likely start taking my lunch to school. It costs up to $3 a day to eat school food. I could cook my own lunch for less if planned properly,and save about $20 a month. I have a ton of these ideas.

ten friggin' hours

Next week at BB, I'm scheduled for 10 hours. Two days. I'm starting to get ill with it. I get this Sunday and next Saturday's closing shift. Pathetic. I think I'm about to be approved to do the tutoring program at my school. It pays double my BB jobIf I can get 3 days of it a week. I'll be doing great, but I'll settle for two. I'll also be working toward the "one job" goal of mine.

I'm thinking of having a "Soapbox of the Soul" reader appreciation cookout next weekend. I just want an excuse to get the friends together.

The truck project is at a stand still until I get the remaining parts. I found someone who is willing to help out if they have compatible parts.

I had a kid ask me today if I ever get bored in here. No, actually I don't. This is a dream job for me. Internet access, cheap lunch, free coffee, and I'm often drunk with power. My friend Jim, told me he fears I may have a sadistic side since I like my job so much. I want all my kids to be happy and successful, but the need to know punishment if reward is to taste sweet. You have to have some bad if you are to truly appreciate the good. But I digress. No, I don't get bored in here. I have a simple job with loads of responsibility, but I love being here and doing this. This is what gives me purpose. If I ever get bored, I type in my blog. I don't ever shirk my duties though.

Some asked me if I would contribute to the Katrina Disaster Relief Fund. I didn't. There have been so many tragedies and disasters in my life that I had to just do without that it has made me kind of hard-hearted. Don't wish it off on them, but I've stuggled and had to find a way to survive in the face of adversity. I think there are too many handouts. Charity makes people soft and weak. It makes them complacent, which is probably what the true purpose of social programs are in the first place.....control. I think I feel a political blog entry coming on.

Feeling BAD

Yesterday, I'd promised myself I would clean the house and do my laundry. I got home and felt so bad I slept until 9:30. I never ate dinner either. I got sleepy again around 1:45 am and even then, I had a hard time sleeping. Ironicly, I woke up refreshed. Go figure.

Last night I had a racoon on my back porch eating my dog's food. I wanted to take a picture but he scooted before I could take the shot. He's visited before, so I imagine I'll see him again. I plan to kill it next time.

I have not wieghed myself recently, but I think I'm still losing wieght. My pants fit way better these days, bordering on too loose. I need a belt these days. I'll regroup on the diet and exercise this week. My past few weeks have been chaotic.

I'm very close to getting my truck ready to drive. I only need a few more parts. I plan on making it as nice as I can reasonably afford.

My ideal plans are:

1. Completely new interior. Not as expensive as it sounds....
2. Spray-in bediner. I'm almost scared to price them....
3. New paint. I'd like to go with red. It's currently very dull black.
4. The wheels off my wrecked ranger. Cragar SS with bladed centercaps. Corny, but actually ideal for this type of truck.
5. High-end ties, like the goodyear white lettered
6. Nice stereo. My BB discount will make that a reality.

Since I plan on keeping this truck and taking good care of it, I don't see these as "excessive". I think In the long run I'll be very happy with the choices I make to fix up the truck.

College seems like such a distant thing. I keep telling myself to be prepared for January. If I can't get approved for full time, I'll at least take one or two classes.

I'm very happy to see some of my best (worst) customers from last year have calmed down quite a bit and seem ready to grow up. I'm very proud of all of them.

A ray of hope.

Robyn was kind enough to let me buy her computer off of her. I our deal, I take the computer now, and buy her an identical one in a month or so on layaway. Sadly, although far more stable, it is not faster than "frakenstien". I called it frankenstien because it was green, ugly, and made from other dead computers. Over the months ahead, I will go about testing everything on it and seeing what may be saved. There may be a "spawn of frankenstien" coming to life one day.

I spent the better part of my labor day weekend hunting parts for my Ranger. I think I almost have them all.

I guess that maybe I'm just not into doing customer service. That's why I don't especially care for BB. It's not hard at all, I just don't get many hours. It's like it's not really worth my while. There are so many things I love about being an ISS coordinator. My own quiet space, easy job, professional atmosphere, internet access, and the cheap thrill of authority. They put chess on the computers. It is a HARD program. I can't beat it.

The dead computer has put me in a bind. There are several things I wanted to do with my money other than buy a computer. I like it, and I need a computer right now anyway, but I got a truck that needs to be on the road, a car that needs more parts before it's right, a dorm fridge for my class room, and I'd like a motorcycle, not show off but for cheaper gas.


I'm going to write a piece later this month about misplaced angst toward our consumer driven society. Now that I have a computer with a media reader, I can add more pics to the sight. I like it. I'll be experimenting with some planned out pieces on this blog, not just the freehand ramble everyone (all three of my readers) have come to enjoy. It'll probably come out about the same, I'll just have a more focused topic.

.....

2003-2005
R.I.P.

I'm a little upset right now.....I'll be on it later.

Some people pole vault.......

I'm a limbo guy myself.

I don't care for my BB job that much. The work is easy, and most of the people a very pleasant to work with, but the hours are too few. I work 12 this week and 16 the next. Before that I was working 28 - 35, which is a bit much. I wanted 20 - 25, that would give me plenty of cash to piss away at BB with my discount AND keep all my bills in check comfortably. Some manager came into the warehouse and said some nonsense about "time to raise the bar" I said " cool! I'm a limbo kinda guy.". There was an open box TV that was sold that had to be bubble wrapped. The bubble wrap spool is about the size of two refrigerators and weighs nearly 4 lbs. I pulled the spool of it off the second shelf, which is about 8' high. The girl who was barking orders all night freaked when she saw me doing it. I acted like it crushed me. She really freaked then. I got up and laughed, and so did most everyone watching.......except her. Me and another guy started tossing it back and forth in a manner that made us look like two monsters training to take on Godzilla at the next pay-per-view. We left very late, not because I was assing off, but because there was no clear idea of what we needed to be doing until near closing. We were scheduled to leave at 10:30, at 11:45 I clocked out. Poor management on their part will not result in an emergency on mine. Many were still there when I left. I might be accused of not being a team player, but that's just because I don't play for the team they think I should be on.

Even in all that fun, the girl said she would talk to the manager about getting me more hours. If it happens, I'll stay. If my hours stay low, I'll get what I need on discount, and bail out.

Paul sounds like he's got himself a girlfriend, and pretty happy with the whole thing. Just a word of advise, don't over analyze it, you'll kill the magic.

Nathan seems to be quite happy in Chicago. So much so that I might make it a point to visit over the summer, money permitting.

I'm starting to get ISS kids now. So I'm happy. When the teacher's nerves are frazzled, and they are tossing kids out, I'm in the zone. I get mad kids who can't tell right from wrong, spoiled rotten thug-brats who have been raised by their grandmothers. Skater punks that don't give a damn at all, and they come to me. They're mad, huffing and stomping and I give them hell, make them do work, and then I lecture them after they calm down. I tell them what is expected of them, and send them back to class. If they don't calm down, I keep them all day.

I doubt it will help many of them at all, we are even fast-tracking one to alternative education already. I try to change them all, but I don't get my hopes up. I think we got to a few last year, they are behaving much better, and seem happier for it. I think everyone wants to be accepted and well adjusted. When a misguided kid straightens up and sees how much easier it makes their life, they don't want to go back to their deviant ways. If I have to work with the type of kids that want to turn it into "us vs. them", I make sure my side wins......Damn, I love my day job.

the quiet before the storm......

So far, the kids are tame. No real problems have hit my door. I hope they buck up just a little bit so the administration doesn't feel I'm needed.

Who am I kidding? I'll get kids real soon, they just have to get bored enough to cause problems. and problems will happen.

I got my stuff together to fix my truck and lost the keys, and my mind. Found the keys, but they were not where I left them.
My hours picked up at BB, but the check will still be less than I hoped to be receiving. I should probably think about doing a roommate. Nah, I'm not ready for that, but boy, it sure would help to split my bills in half. Hell; I could buy a car!

This gas crisis is getting me primed to write in my political blog. I'm getting really sick of it all. I won't elaborate because I need to post to the other blog and I don't want to type it twice.

I feel pretty good, I have just entered a transitional period, so I'm not sure how things will work out here shortly.

Back to the old grind.......

After a few days of floating around and helping where I could, a few kids are finally starting to "test" their limits and coming to in-school suspension. This means I'm in my own room, doing my own stuff and not trying to maintain someone else's stuff. I don't mind helping, but it's good being back in MY room.

I finished my application papers to Guilford College, I'll be setting that up in a few days. I like the program they offer, and I've heard nothing but great things.

I'll be taking my new ranger to be repaired today after school. I'm planning on just doing a few things to it at a time. It might just become a nice little truck. I need a pickup anyway, but if I can make it better, why not?

My lawnmower died in mid-mow yesterday. It made me very sad. I might try to take it apart and learn how to fix it, if possible. If not, I need to buy a new mower.

I'm still appalling this Suzuki Sidekick on a used car lot not too far from my house. When I join the credit union (as early as Thursday) I might just look into getting it. I'd love to have a decent car to tool around in.

I'm disappointed with my fitness level. I ballooned up over the summer and I've dropped a good chunk of it since, but I'm still not too happy with where I'm at physically. I MUST make a personal commitment to improving my health. I'll wind up being one of those guys that was hard-working and such and keels over dead at 45. I never thought I'd live past 30. I made a mistake on that one. I think I need to plan for the future. I want a narrow waistline again. I have a spare tire and a double chin. That just too many spare parts. I'm going to start slow, I've dieted, but I think a little muscle mass will go a long way for me.

We'll see how it goes.

more busy than before

But I have a few moments to spare.

Life is interesting. After BB had its grand opening, the job actually got easier. We warehouse people were relegated to the warehouse, only to make occasional sweeps of the store to clean or help someone move something very heavy. Otherwise, we sit in the back, look out for the manager, and talk $#!7 all night. I Kinda thought we were going to get into trouble goofing off so much, but alas, it seems as though we are doing great. Go figure. The girl that I got mad with last Sunday was fired. Life is good.

The first two days of school were interesting. We have an 8th grade retention room. That being the room where all the kids who failed this past year are isolated from the rest of the school. Due to scheduling issues, there was a 3 hour gap in that room with no faculty there. I was all over that three hours and it was no fun. I know all the kids.....very well. It seems as though the summer months did nothing to mature them or give them the resolve to make it through. I know a few of them will be with me before long. The saddest part is that due to the new credit system in high school, they can do it much like college, (x) many credits in (x) different subjects will get you a diploma. It is possible to get a diploma in 3 years. If these kids do well up until the second semester, they get their walking papers to high school and have the option to buckle down and graduate in 2010.

The bad part is, no matter how much we coax of coddle or attempt to inspire these kids, either they want it or they don't, and they won't know what they've screwed up until it's too late to fix it. The truth is we need all types. We need doctors and janitors, lawyers and burger flippers. Some people are not meant to be successful. That being said, we never give up on any of them. When they are ready to achieve(if ever), we do everything to give them the tools to do it and encourage them all the way.

I'm going to start getting regular checks again, my summer of discontent is at an end. I'm actually toying with the idea of getting a decent used car. I'll be joining the state employee's credit union soon. They will give you a loan if you can prove you can pay it. I might just have to get me a good car. If I get the financial aid for school, it'll be a definite. I'm looking an older Suzuki, like a four door sidekick. The four bangers had great mileage and were well put together. That would be my first choice.

I will admit sometimes I have doubts about teaching the rest of my life. I could do it, but to babysit low achievers like I was doing last week would depress me. I often wonder what would be a better way of getting these kids on track, but then, I think of the fact that not all of them were meant to achieve anything, I just don't want the knuckleheads screwing the opportunities up for the rest of the students.

busy

"The problem with having alot going on to post in your blog," to quote Paul,"is that you don't have time to write about it all." This has been a very hectic week. But I will most likely be posting more on the recent happenings very soon, by Sunday I hope.

more fun than a punch in the neither-region

Sometimes this job is ok. Today it was crap. I have yet to learn all the particulars of the job, so today, when the two people who shared my responsibilities setting the store up for Sunday sales were out today, I was screwed. I managed to make an enemy on the warehouse team and it seemed like all my price tags were wrong and it made me look bad. Add to that fact I needed help and got a new employee that knew less than me and you have an idea of how bad the day went.

I now have an urge to up my lottery ticket purchasing.

There are some decent guys there, but most are the worthless teenager-thug types. I relate to the people in the sales dept. much better. I now know what will happen soon. I won't be getting 30+ hours a week. We're just over-staffed until everyone gets the hang of their jobs. Instead of 20 people, their will be 5 or 6 and we'll all take turns. If I go under 20 hours consistently, I'll need to get another job. But we'll see...

In day job news, my room is almost finished. I don't have any great pics yet but I have a few to show what I've been doing. School starts again this week, I'm really excited to be back. I was placed in a mobile unit this year(trailer). Outside is good. It adds to the feel of isolation for behavioral problems.






These are my "cubbies" 4'x5' walls on either side. There are 10 isolation booths in all.

The theory behind it all is that middle school students are such social creatures, nothing is worse to them than no contact from their peers. Punishment is not so bad if you are in trouble with a friend. They will all be separated now. This is the "all day" part of the room.




This is the "chill out" side. Students will come here for one class period. They can be made to stay longer if they don't behave here. I figure by the first few weeks, if the new disciple plan is kept, the kids will get the point and my attendance will drop.

Isolation and consistency are the keys to success. Strong teachers + consistent discipline = better students. I'll have to work hard to keep my end up.


I'll be filling out college forms very soon. I must get ready for the return in January. No excuses, no procrastination. I'll be getting paid for BOTH jobs very soon. One this Friday, the next on Wednesday. The first time I've had any real money coming in since June. I'll get my ducks in a row, and join the credit union. Then I might be able to buy a car. I'm feeling really good about the future. It's all still up in the air, but it has vast potential. And a clear route to follow. I know that the days ahead with be very stressful and put me to the ends of my wits. The reward for persisting will be well worth it. So here's to my sanity, I will miss it most of all.

Can't pray for rain and gripe about the mud......

I got next week's schedule for BB. I was hoping for 20-25 hours a weeks, I got 32. If that remains a constant, between school and best buy, I'll be hitting 72 hours a week......damn. I'll try to keep it up through January until I get back to school to get caught up.

I was working at school today, a talked to one of the better teachers we have at GMS. She told me she had to end her employment because she couldn't get her work permit renewed. She hard working, a pleasure to be around, and her tough-love-no-nonsense approach to dealing with her kids gets great results. The immigration dept screwed up her paperwork and let her permit lapse. She can stay, but she can't work for the school until her paperwork is cleared, and that will be a month. It makes me sick when people who come here legally get a hard time and there is nothing done to the illegal immigrants. What the hell is wrong with these people? If I were as inaccurate at my job, I'd lose it. I hope she gets sped along the process and gets back into a classroom where she can do good things.

My dad went in for a 3 vertibrae spinal fusion today, he'll be on his back for a few weeks. I imagine he's in alot of pain and I can't help but feel really bad for him. When I say "dad" he's actually my stepdad and we didn't get along too good when I was growing up, so we never did "bond". Can't say I blame him, I was a little bastard and my grandparents didn't help either. I could turn everyone against each other alot of times. But I was a kid, I was getting by the only way I knew how.

When I was a child, I had a grudging respect for him. He was the strongest man I knew, he could do anything, and he made all kinds of sacrifices for the family. I remember him doing without so I could have goos school clothes. I remember hime working two jobs, laying out in the driveway working on a broken down car all night in whatever kind of weather: rain, snow, blistering heat, or freezing cold and go straight to bed and get up at 5:30 am to do it again. I think I tried to have him as a role model. I saw him as what a man should be: strong, tough, smart, talented, hard-working, and surly. I notice I have done alot of thing he did for us in recent years. When I did, no matter how much it sucked to do it, I felt really good. I felt like a real man. I've seen his health decline in recent years and with his back problems now, it's sad. I'm now way stronger than my dad. He comes to me for help with his cars and computers. I build or fix things all the time. Kristin (sister), Lena, and Cora (Robyn's kids) look up to me probably the way I looked up to him my entire life. Sometime I feel bad that we were never closer. I remember the first back surgery he had, he walked outside with me and told me that he was scared and if he died, I was to take care of mom and Kristin, then he cried and walked off. That was the third time I ever saw him cry. The first was when he got into a very bad argument with mom and they both cried while they were apologizing. The second was his dog died. My mom has accused me of having no feelings, I wonder if I got that from him also.

Some thirty miles away, my dad lies in a hospital bed, in pain. I'm sitting here still thinking about it all, and what he has meant to me my whole life.