resolve

Ok, the pity party is over. I can't curl into a ball and just give up. Yes, everything that is going wrong sucks. No, I don't think it should be so hard. Bottom line: it is, so quit bitching and work through it.

And miles to go before I sleep...

Almost done with the first part. All but done with the first step. Now I must choose which path to take next. No matter what I chose, there is still much to give to do to get where I need to be. I'll keep all my options open.

Robyn said something funny to me today. "I thought white guys got all the good brakes." Obviously not. Anyone who thinks different can shove their opinion of "white privilege" and shove it up their ass, right beside their head.

The truth is, I've never gotten a good break in my life. I've been used and abused at every turn. I'm waiting for my turn. I think I've put in a lot of sweat equity to get to where I am, and I'd kind of like to see some return off this.

If I go into law enforcement, I must get into shape before I even begin the training. I am an injury waiting to happen and I know it. Two years ago, I was heavy into weight training and I probably could have conditioned myself to pass a physical test easily.

Good things are around the bend. I can feel it.

hitting pavement

When I didn't get a job last school year, my principal said that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that. I wish I did. I hold out for the proof that I am deluded by my own cynicism. I openly accept the possibility that there may be something greater just beyond our comprehension. A greater purpose or reason that we don't perceive directly. I think people call that god.

The truth is people suffer and die like dogs everyday for no good reason. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Most people must accept there is a better existence after death to keep them from going murderous.

I was born a skeptic and I can't always look past what lies on the surface. If I was made this way, was it a god's doing? Does that mean god has set me up for failure?

I want to embrace a spirituality, and I may search the course of my life to find my inner peace and never find it.

five days

Five days and I will have almost completed my five-year plan. The only thing not there is the career part. I have no intention at 34 to start a five year get a career plan. This will be a five month plan. I will attempt to go into law enforcement. I have 3-5 months to get into shape while the in-hire process begins. I actually like working out, just getting the time managed to do it. If I want to do this thing, I will.