interview blues

I am a good interviewer, but I didn't do as well as I had hoped. I go in to interview for physical science and I wind up being asked if I could do physics too. The answer is no I can't.

I remember how good I felt when I was offered two positions when I first started working here. I could do ISS here, or be a TA at another middle school. I picked this one because I felt I could make a name for myself. I didn't realize I'd be put in a room far away from everyone and become at best an afterthought. I like how all schools like to say "we're a big family here" I come from a big family. I am the bastard step-child that is tolerated. The grandparents that loved me died years ago. I'm never visited or spoken to, just treated as an afterthought. I get invited to everything second-hand I only know a few people at family reunions.

I've only in the past year started learning what a real family is supposed to be like. I take a lot of my mannerisms and such from my biological father's side. Maybe that's why I'm disliked so much. I only ever wanted to belong. Is that so wrong? All I have is thirty years of regrets, guilt trips, hard feelings, and isolation. Thirty years of broken promises and shattered dreams, let downs and screw-overs... and I'm tired, so tired of all that.

the interview

Today I am interviewing for a high school science position. I am a little nervous, but I feel good. I have found the trick to interviewing is to go in there like you already have a job lined up, but you'd like to get the one you are at. You act like you are going to win no matter what he/ she decides. I feel comfortable and confident and they like that.

I dreamed last night that I was going to land the job. I dreamed I wasn't going to be at my current job anymore. After four years, my heart in no longer here. I just don't feel wanted anymore. I've never really felt a part of anything here, but that probably has more to do with me than anything else. All I know is there is no job for me here, and there in no prospect for one either. Nobody has even mentioned the idea of me moving up here and it kinda hurts. It feels like I have been keeping someone else's seat warm. I could probably stay here for the next 30 years, but the rest of my dreams will never be realized if I do, so I must go.

These are my kids and have been and I'll miss them, but my future wife and step-children need me too.

In my life, I have only regretted leaving two jobs, the one where I worked as a driver for handicapped people, and the pizza job I quit to go back to school. I don't regret my reasoning, the van job paid nothing and I was tired of making nothing. I couldn't go back to school with that pizza job, and I wanted to be educated more than anything.

Here, I'm happy. I like the people, and I like the kids. But I have to make more money and there is no place for me here anymore. I will miss it. I feel at home here.

I guess in August, I'll have to make myself at home in a new place. The 08-09 year will bear witness to some of the most drastic changes of my life.

Hold on, it will be an interesting ride.

winding down

School (work) is almost done for another year. Four more weeks. All I really need to do is catch up my paperwork, which really isn't far behind and just coast to the end.

I'm starting my interviews this week, so I hope something good will come of it. I've always been pretty good with interviews, so we'll see.

I'm going to start exercising again soon. It makes me feel good and I need plenty of that. I'd also like to drop some of the lard. My goal is to drop under 200, but I have been stagnant in that recently. Finishing these two hard classes was my main concern.

The Cadillac diaries are done. I traded it for a Goldwing. If I decide to really work on it, I'll make a Goldwing journal.