rough night

Last night I dreamed of my death. Not of how, but of the precedings before the funeral. I looked like a creepy glob of wax and they were dressing me in a gray suit. I was watching them do it all, I guess I was a ghost of some sort. It was disturbing to say the least, but I remember thinking "there's something more after all".

I'm a reluctant athieist, meaning I'd like to believe in more, I'm receptive to the idea there is more, but I just don't. I've actually had people tell me my beliefs were "convienient". I think they are anything but. I want the tunnel of light, I want to see all my loved ones that passed away. I think Heaven should be there, and it should be like a Southern picnic. Everybody you know is there and they are all happy to see you. I'd like to think dear old Buddy is at the main gate waiting for me to come in.

I'd like a place that is a cross between everything we know about afterlife. It's what you enjoy and find beautiful and you can interact with other loved ones who have died. Maybe it would have a little reincarnation mixed in. You can remember your past lives after you pass on, but eventually you send your essence, or soul back to be reborn. Perhaps the people we strongly connect with in life were the people we had a previous connection with in another life.

Who knows really? I know that if this is my only shot, I want it full of love, comfort, and happiness. I want the people I've shared my life with to be left with positive things after I'm gone. I want them to remember the love and that I'd want them to be alright after I'm gone and move on with their lives.

All this over a dream. I don't know when it will happen, but I know and accept that I will eventually die, and everyone around me will die either before or after me. I cannot stop or control this, it is a simple fact of life. I will, however, fill the future with as much good as I can so when the time comes, I'll have no regrets.

I shouldn't listen to raving athieists before going to bed, or eat spicy sandwiches either