interview blues

I am a good interviewer, but I didn't do as well as I had hoped. I go in to interview for physical science and I wind up being asked if I could do physics too. The answer is no I can't.

I remember how good I felt when I was offered two positions when I first started working here. I could do ISS here, or be a TA at another middle school. I picked this one because I felt I could make a name for myself. I didn't realize I'd be put in a room far away from everyone and become at best an afterthought. I like how all schools like to say "we're a big family here" I come from a big family. I am the bastard step-child that is tolerated. The grandparents that loved me died years ago. I'm never visited or spoken to, just treated as an afterthought. I get invited to everything second-hand I only know a few people at family reunions.

I've only in the past year started learning what a real family is supposed to be like. I take a lot of my mannerisms and such from my biological father's side. Maybe that's why I'm disliked so much. I only ever wanted to belong. Is that so wrong? All I have is thirty years of regrets, guilt trips, hard feelings, and isolation. Thirty years of broken promises and shattered dreams, let downs and screw-overs... and I'm tired, so tired of all that.

the interview

Today I am interviewing for a high school science position. I am a little nervous, but I feel good. I have found the trick to interviewing is to go in there like you already have a job lined up, but you'd like to get the one you are at. You act like you are going to win no matter what he/ she decides. I feel comfortable and confident and they like that.

I dreamed last night that I was going to land the job. I dreamed I wasn't going to be at my current job anymore. After four years, my heart in no longer here. I just don't feel wanted anymore. I've never really felt a part of anything here, but that probably has more to do with me than anything else. All I know is there is no job for me here, and there in no prospect for one either. Nobody has even mentioned the idea of me moving up here and it kinda hurts. It feels like I have been keeping someone else's seat warm. I could probably stay here for the next 30 years, but the rest of my dreams will never be realized if I do, so I must go.

These are my kids and have been and I'll miss them, but my future wife and step-children need me too.

In my life, I have only regretted leaving two jobs, the one where I worked as a driver for handicapped people, and the pizza job I quit to go back to school. I don't regret my reasoning, the van job paid nothing and I was tired of making nothing. I couldn't go back to school with that pizza job, and I wanted to be educated more than anything.

Here, I'm happy. I like the people, and I like the kids. But I have to make more money and there is no place for me here anymore. I will miss it. I feel at home here.

I guess in August, I'll have to make myself at home in a new place. The 08-09 year will bear witness to some of the most drastic changes of my life.

Hold on, it will be an interesting ride.

winding down

School (work) is almost done for another year. Four more weeks. All I really need to do is catch up my paperwork, which really isn't far behind and just coast to the end.

I'm starting my interviews this week, so I hope something good will come of it. I've always been pretty good with interviews, so we'll see.

I'm going to start exercising again soon. It makes me feel good and I need plenty of that. I'd also like to drop some of the lard. My goal is to drop under 200, but I have been stagnant in that recently. Finishing these two hard classes was my main concern.

The Cadillac diaries are done. I traded it for a Goldwing. If I decide to really work on it, I'll make a Goldwing journal.

test

This is a test to see if using this asus eee would irritate me to death typing on it. I'll have to see. I might could do this.

Paul bought the base model one and is letting me give it a whirl. So far so good. A bit tiny though... I feel like I'm typing on a toy. The barbie pc... LET'S ORDER SHOES ONLINE!!!

I kinda like this. Built in wireless, fairly useful tool. Might just get me one.

all but the crying...

I passed all my required classes. My course work for my major is complete. I did about what I expected. On my best day I'm a "B" student and I gave "A" effort on two very hard classes at the same time, so I squeaked out with a "C" on both. I'll have 3 VERY easy classes to make up my GPA, so it's all good.

I'm grateful to all the people who helped me along the way. Offered me support, encouragement, and understanding through this crucial turning point my life. I am a different person than when I started.

I've started putting out feelers for a new job. As much as I love the people and the kids at my school, I don't think I can stay anymore.

The only question is: "What next?"

tonight, tonight.....

My last "big exam" is tonight. I should be panicked, but I am calm. I think I am entering "the zone"where it feels like everything is coming at me in slow motion. I feel a heightened state of awareness. My whole life's plans are dependent on the results of this last exam. I feel like I am the eye of the hurricane, the calm center of an unstoppable force of nature. Nothing is in my way that won't be cast aside.

And now, the last hurdle before the finish line...

the writing on the wall

When someone tells you to "read the writing on the wall", it typically spells impending doom. It comes from the Bible where a king ransacked a Jewish temple and used the gold and silver objects in very non-spiritual ways.

I mentioned that I wasn't too sure I was wanted at my job to a respected coworker and he said I was a very perceptive person and I should take care of myself regardless of loyalty.

I say to Hell with all of them. I'm going for the money and what ever is best for me. I need to stop thinking about the team. I'm a free agent and it's damn time I started acting that way.

The gauntlet

2 exams down, 1 left. I passed one, hence I passed Cell Bio. I'm pretty sure I did quite well in tonight's lab exam for A&P2. Now for the last one. I cool my brain tonight a study like a demon for the two days.

July 25th...

Strain

Friday is the first of my three finals. I have to make a 45% or better to pass, so I'm in good shape. If I nail my A&P2 lab quiz, I'll need a 50 or better to get through, so I'm worried a little, but I'm still in great shape.

Right now, it's almost like the entire world around me is subtly bending to my goals so that they are met.

I am so tired, but I have mile to go before I sleep.

the kindest cut

Last night I shaved my beard off. Why? Jobs. If you look like a biker, don't expect any interviews to go well. The kids almost cried, they think I look cool, and I agree, but this is for the greater good.

I've heard that doing things like that releases energy. Years ago, Lenny Kravitz had long, long dreadlocks for the majority of his career, his ex-wife said he should cut his hair before he started his next project, he said he was thinking about it, but she insisted he do it right then and when with him to get his hair cut. The result? His HUGE comeback album. Coincidence? Maybe. Perhaps these thing give us purpose and focus and we put the energy we were holding back into whatever we were doing to get that big push.


I need a big push. This is my last week for studying before the most crucial exams of my life. I need all the extra energy of mind, body, and spirit I can muster between here and there.

Then I'll start on the hard part.

books, sweat, and tears...

Here it is. The last major push of the semester. All I have to do is pass in two weeks and it's all downhill from there. I'm so tired, but I'm going out full blast because there's no turning back. The light at the end of the tunnel is in sight and I can see clear through now. Two weeks and the worst is over. Twelve weeks and I have my degree. From there.....I'll worry about it when I'm done with the tests.

July 25th...

on death

Last night I went to the morgue as part of my A&P2 class to get to view a body. Yep. There are certain things that one you see them, they cannot be unseen. When it comes to a morgue visit, that includes smell and feel. I picked up a human brain, held a cross section of cancer-ridden liver and put my hand inside of the chest cavity of a cadaver.

The coroner explained that it was a female (obvious) about the age of 54. She had fallen and hit her head, causing a brain injury from which she died. She had no children or insurance, so the family couldn't afford to bury her, and there she was, a donated body on a slab. He said he'll keep her about another year before she get cremated. I felt bad for her in a way, but she is there so that people like me might learn. A pre-med student could learn basic anatomy off her body, and later use that to save who knows how many lives. Her life may have been sad, and ended even worse, but her contribution to society on that cold slab may be incredible. Makes me wish there was an afterlife where they kept a tally of the footprint you leave.

Yeah? The guy that cured cancer? I was his med-school cadaver! How cool is that?

3 weeks left

And only two really count. Tomorrow, I go to the morgue for A&P2. But this is the last stretch until finals in 3 weeks. I must make C's in everything to pass. If I pass this set of exams, I'm good for Summer graduation. I must focus like a sniper on my target.

July 25, I'm coming dead at you.

damnit one more try.....

Diet went in the toilet after one week. I'll start fresh tomorrow. If not, next week I go back to Atkins and them maybe switch to a better balanced plan once I get where I need to be.

re-focus

I'm taking a bit of time to myself before I go full-on for the last of three. Two down and I did better than I expected on the first, and I know I did well on the middle. Exam three will be most crucial. After that one is in, I'll know where I stand. As of now I'm standing pretty good.

Last year I was derailed by a horrible case of strep throat that I let get out of control. Now my throat has been bothering me for a bit off and on for about a month. Can't tell if I've been snoring or if it's allergies or what but I told Robyn last night and she told me not to even play around and get my ass to the doctor. I agree with her. I'll go this week if it doesn't stop bothering me after my last exam. Maybe I'll go on a day she has off and we can make a lunch date of it. I'll talking to you, Robyn. ;-)

I'll will say this, I've changed from this experience. I'm more focused than I've ever been in my life. I'm more determined and level-headed. I feel like a different person. People mean more to me (certain people, anyway). Life means more to me.

During my five-year plan to better myself, life has taken many unexpected turns. I started all this for very different reasons. Now I see myself at the end of the first of probably many five-year plans. I realize now the thing I wanted more than anything, is the one thing I had all along.

focus

Why write when I should be studying? Focus. When I hit my saturation point, I refocus by writing. In 12 hours it will all be over for this exam and I have to begin on the next one. I'm feeling pretty solid on most all of it. As long as he doesn't focus on what I don't know, I should do very well.

I want a diploma come July 25th. Time to earn it.

tiring pace

I've finished one of three exams and I'm taking a short break from the books for #2. This is very mentally draining. I'm disappointed with my first exam, I know I'll do much better on #2. The third is crucial that I pass. The pressure is building, but I have to make it. Everything rides on this and my ability to pull through. 4 weeks left...time to break out the keg of whoop-ass.

The Last Push

Four weeks to go. These next two will be the hardest by far. 3 exams back-to-back. One tonight, one Saturday morning, and one Tuesday night.

I'm pumped.
I'm primed.
I'm as ready as I'm going to get for #1.
I'll be ready for #2 come Saturday, but I still have work to do yet.

It all comes down to this.
Wish me luck.

Back on

I've not been fighting "the losing battle" for awhile. I made great progress with 30 pounds from mid-October to February. School and such has kept me from keeping my eye on the prize. I've gained 5 pounds since February, so now I must refocus on my goal of getting under 200 by the end of the school year.

On June 6th, my 34th birthday, I want to weigh under 200.

To do this I must:

Get back on my diet and cut back on splurges.
Exercise 3 times a week.

I bet I could lose most of it in the first month. I know what must be done, and it will happen.

I'm not waiting until Monday for a "fresh start", I'm starting NOW.

dark day

It has been my goal for the past 5 years to get my BA degree and get into a career. At first I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted more for myself. Then I fell into education. I started out by being a part-time substitute teacher to pay my way through school while I was getting my AA degree and I loved it. I wound up working full time at a middle school as an In-School Suspension Coordinator. After two years of trials and tribulations, I made it back to college. I’ve been at Guilford College for two years working on a Forensic Biology degree and I am so close to finishing that it very essence saturates every pore and overwhelms all my senses. I just have felt like everything was coming together.

Until last week…

As I was looking at job openings for my school system, my school posted an opening for a science teacher and I became elated. I couldn’t wait to talk to my principal to re-emphasize my eagerness to fill that position. She said that she had already filled the position and my heart hit the floor. Who? Our 8th grade math teacher was offering to step down to 7th grade science to fill the position so that her student teacher could have a job here. The fact that she gave a kind of laugh made me feel like more of an afterthought than before. Yes, the girl is talented, and more personable than I am, and yes, math is more in demand than science. I understand why it was done the way it was done, but my four years of loyalty and hard work meant nothing and that cuts deep and makes me question everything about myself.

I don’t think I’m a priority anywhere or in any facet of my life. I’m not saying that my life is all that horrible, because it’s not. But I have never in my life caught a good break and I get mad as Hell sometimes thinking about how much I struggle for things other people just have and have nicer and more of it than I do.

I don’t want to understand.
I don’t want to count my blessings.
I don’t want to grin and bear it.
I want to slap every kid that can’t behave in public.
I want stomp a mud hole in every parent that doesn’t give a damn about his or her children.
I want to call out everyone who blames everyone for their problems except themselves.
I want every millionaire that made their fortunes exploiting people, never giving back, and destroying quality of life stripped of their worldly possession and thrown into prison.
I want a giant tsunami to wipe all the trashy, over-priced beach resorts away that made it impossible for poor people to ever have a good vacation.
I want to cause pain with my thoughts

My blood is like fire and my wrath is white-hot.

Oh well, I feel better now. Back to studying.

*disclaimer*
These statements are simply creative expressions not to be interpreted as threats of violence towards any person. I do not condone violence towards others. Take what you can from it, examine yourself and use that energy to create something positive in your life. If you can only express yourself or vent frustration through physical violence, buy a punching bag get a great workout, and harm none.

Thank You.