Robyn & the Gym

Robyn has decided to join the gym with me. I think this could be an awesome new direction in our relationship. I really don't feel like enough of an expert to tell her what to do to get started. My only advise is to start with a basic exercise routine for the first few months untill her conditioning is improved and she learns technique, then ramp it up.

I figure that if we were to exercise when we hang out, instead of eating and watching TV, It'll do wonders for our health.

I suppose we shall see.

I lost close to 10 pounds when I was sick, I'd like to keep that off and lose more weight. I want to get to 200 pounds and see what's what from there.

geez...the setbacks

I wound up with an out of control strep infection that put me out of commission for a few solid days. Too bad they were class registration days. I may have missed out on a required Summer class that is required to take another class. If not, it will be next Summer before I can take the class and finish up my requirements. May '09, anyone? :-(

Robyn says she's fine with it and we'll manage, but I feel like I'm walking the longest mile of my life and it has no end in sight.

Strep-face

I am on my sick bed, damn-near my death bed. It seems as though I had strep throat last week and all of the germs never went away, so they went into my lymph nodes and then spread into my sinuses and face. I'm now a swollen monstrosity. My face looks like something from some third-world country medical abnormality book. I had a 103 degree fever, and even my Dr. thought it was bad. He almost hospitalized me. Through it all, Robyn made sure I was OK. Thanks, Hun.

a cure? for me?

Due to unusual circumstances, which tend to define my life, I found myelf visiting a chiropractor. I've been out of whack all of my adult life. After looking at me, measuring me and doing general check-up stuff, she seems to think she can re-align me.

All my life, I feel like people have not seem me, but rather my awkward posture, my crooked neck. They would call me "crooked" behind my back. I always pretended that it never bothered me, but it did. It was like I was not even anything beyond one physical abnormality, almost like the way cruel people pick on the handicapped.

To some extent, this problem has always made me self-conscious. I felt that because I was so abnormal, people would judge me based on that. I'm pretty sure I was right, but it also help me become the bitter, hateful person I am today. But now I am told it can be fixed.....and I don't know what to think. In the next year, everything that made me feel bad about myself id going to be fixed. What then?

infectious waste of time

I've been really sick this past week. So sick I went to the doctor...again. He believes it's a viral infection that has laid me low this time. I don't recall feeling this bad in a very long time. It doesn't help that one of the symptoms is a sore throat, which is by far one of the most irritating things in my life. It has really taken the wind out of me. I missed a week of school and two days of work. Even as of today, I have no energy to speak of and I haven't been able to work out at all.

On the workout front, Robyn has noted interest in going to the gym with me. This could be a good thing, a real change in how we spend time together. Instead of going out to eat somewhere unhealthy, we could go exercise and get a light meal. Neither of us are happy with our current shape, and if we were as committed to working out as we are to spending time together, we'll be in shape in no time flat.

conundrum most powerful

I don't think I can do 3 Summer classes, especially when they are as challenging as what lie ahead for me. One of the toughest obsticles, forensic chemestry, is on schedule for this Summer, but I'll only be taking one other class, Most likely a criminal justice course. The bad part will be the fact I'll need to take Summer classes next year, but I'll still be done in time for the following school year.

What not to listen to......

There is a TV show Robyn and her mom like to watch called "What Not to Wear". I can't stand this show on many levels. It is one of a long line of shows with stylish hosts that offer fashion tips to people who are a bit clueless on the style thing. The gist is that the "cool" experts on fashion make fun of the person be helped and actually toss out her old clothes into a trash bin.

Even though they seem helpful, and the people are always grateful for their help, the two hosts of the show come off like total jackasses even down to thier "polite" demeanor.

You have fashoin problems? Do what I did. Get a girlfriend and let her pick out your clothes.

St. Patrick's Day '07

There was a big all-day block party in Raliegh for the event, sponsered by the local Irish pub, Tir Na Nog. I wasn't so interested in that as I was seeing one of the bands, the Battlefield Band. I heard them about 6-7 years agoon an NPR radio program and was hooked. Even Robyn liked them, and we're both pretty big into Celtic & Irish/ Scottish folk music, so we've been trying to see them for at least 6 years and last night we finally got the chance.

I must admit, I was skeptical going into it. I like outing this significant to be just for the two of us. I found out that "we" had invited a third wheel and I wasn't too happy. Not because I hate other people, but when you add more people, you add the opportunity for more problems....and we have had those issues where "friends" were invited and just ruined the whole night with thier grand-standing and emotional defects. To make the whole matter even better, the person "we" invited, invited another person to go with us. Robyn was pretty sure we were going to take seperate cars as well, but then they piled in talking about how drunk they were going to get. So we are thier "DD"'s, yeah....glad we could help out there.

We got a later start than I originally thought, mainly because the person we agreed to take with us worked that afternoon, and we needed to wait until they got off from work. I was getting flashbacks of previous times when special events were ruined by other people drama and it was starting to get me down.

Long story short, we got there late, the Battlefield Band had already started playing, but I guess it was for the best. It was cold & windy so not the most fun seeing them in a block party-type venue, but we were happy to see our favorite Scottish folk band play. We found out that they were going to play another set inside the pub, but we were not about to stay. However, our "guests" were inside the pub and we had to get them before we could leave. So we had to wait in an amusement park-sized line to get inside and when we finally got inside, it was so packed we couldn't find them for a good bit, so we stayed. This time the band was comfortable, we were comfortable, and there was a good time to be had by all, with plenty of drinking, dancing, and laughter to go around. The best part was the fact that the band signed Robyn's CDs and we got to meet them all.

I'll admit, Robyn choice was the better of the two this time. If the person "we" invited hadn't come along and brought her friend, it would not have been as nearly a special night. I'll say it was the most fun I've had in a quite long time and the most fun I've ever had in a bar setting.

So once again, you were right Robyn, you were right.

All these changes....

I don't quite see myself where I imagined myself when I was a kid. Some of it is true. People call me "Mike", I always thought of myself as a Mike. I like short and to the point names. I kinda figured myself as a tough, work with my hands type as an adult. Since I am a middle school ISS coordinator, I guess that's out. I wound up with a screwed up neck that seems to bother everyone but me. I guess I'll have to get it fixed one day since I don't like standing out for the wrong reasons. I guess the rock star thing is out too, especially seeing as how I can't sing or play an instrument.

I guess I'll have to settle for geeky science guy who has an inflated self-image.

Back to the grind....

Unfortunately, it's me being ground up. I returned to classes last night and saw the devastation first hand. I was, once again one of the "survivors". Many have already given up in all my classes, and I am passing. I'm pretty sure I'm not "upper crust" material, but I'm not a bottom feeder either.

I've decided to hit the ground running. I will not let a day pass without a minimum of 1 hour of study time. I passed on a boomerang curve in fast track A&P 1, I'll not need it in A&P 2. The class I should be enjoying, I'm squeaking by in due to the demands of A&P. This isn't boot camp. This isn't a marathon. It's a death march for my sanity and I'm fading fast. I'll have to go to graduation in a straightjacket...but I'll be there.

The Alamance County Cadillac Bank Account Massacre

After weeks of not even geting to touch that beat of a car, I finally got out to the shop to go through the nessisary tests to see if it wil run, or if it is beyond my ability (and price range) to restore it into a giant Sunday car. Much to my surprise, it fired up and after a difficult spell, it all smoothed out an started running like a car that had never been parked. It only took about 20 minutes of running. After that point, it didn't even smoke. Truly, that Caddy was one of the last great American cars. It looks as though there will be few mechanical problems. I told the fellow helping me to tell me something bad, I need to be discouraged. He said he couldn't, it looked real good to him.

She'll be a driver soon. Once the bugs are ironed out, It will be cosmetics time. Clean up, paint up, make her look new again.

Back when that car was new, to own a Caddy was a status symbol of success, you had finally arrived. That must be a good feeling.

Looking ahead, this will be a several year project, nothing is cheap on this car, but everything on it is built to last. If it's put back together properly, that car could be my old fart convertible until I'm an old fart.

Delilah

The Biblical one, I wonder about her sometimes. Did she know what they intended to do to Samson? I also wonder if it is an tale that is supposed to teach about trust, and how much to trust others.

Though I still wonder, did she love him? Was she regretful of this act the rest of her life, or did she "do what she had to do"? Did she feel bitter vindication when he killed all the Philistines by pulling the columns down?

Sometimes we love people more than they love us, and it can ruin a person.

I'm hatin' it

It is almost not worth being here, I hate it so much. This job might not be too bad, but it's either boring or frustrating and no mid-ground. If I didn't need the money, I'd be anywhere but here. I have a Cadillac to restore, a house to clean, and all sorts of other things I could be putting off right now if I were not at work.

I tried the last few days to try to sleep without the sleeping pills the Dr gave to help with my anxiety issues. Not too good. I can only assume Robyn was correct, in thatI have some sort of sleep apnia. Sadly, when you stop taking them, it is very hard to sleep. Great, now what? I guess I could take them until Spring break and give my body a week find it's balance again. I'm quite sure I don't have that many left, so we'll see.

Last night was like a nightmare-ish half-lucid, half-sleeping state. I was physically trying to sleep, and going to sleep, yet I was aware of time passing and of things happening in the house and still I was in a sort-of sleep state. The drugs they give you are horrible. Once they have you, they don't let go easily. Yet and despite my lament, I don't think I have slept so well or felt so good after waking since I was young. I don't believe I have ever felt so fully rested and ready to get up in the morning.

I feel guilty in a way, I've never been an advocate of medication and I feel the whole country is over medicated. Then I got to have a good night's sleep after having an anxiety attack and feel better than ever the next morning. I guess my opinion has been altered abit.... not entirely changed, but a bit relaxed.

free time

Wasting what little free time I have is a shame. The real tragedy is the fact that while I am in a very busy point in my life, I just don't want to do anything at all with my free time as I will be doing stuff and being very busy very soon. I guess a few hours of productivity wouldn't hurt.....but I don't have to like it.

A day dream in Spring.

I'm on Spring Break from college. I'm pretending this is what it will be like in a couple of years. I have a bit of extra cash, I'm good on my bills, and nothing to do in the meantime but do what I want after work. I could do this for awhile, but next week is back to anatomy boot camp and I'll be getting plenty to do. But I got throught the first half of anatomy boot camp and I'll survive the other. Then to Summer classes and quick trip to the end......May '08.

anatomy boot camp....

I took fast track A&P1 (anatomy & physiology) this semester. I took the final exam just last night. I was just guessing on it. But I passed well enough that I won't have to re-take it at a later date. He had to have had a massive curve on the final grade....

The class had many parallels to boot camp. The instructor just kick your ass and makes you feel stupid for about 8 weeks and then you get pushed through if you didn't give up. Expensive class too....it cost me an anxiety attack, a trip to the doctor, complete with an EKG, slleping pills, and my sanity.....but I know a lot of parts of the human body now it helped that some of the things breaking on me were things that he was discussing in class.

I just hope the classes don't get much worse than this. Either way, no more fast track after this semester.

May '08....still dead on target.

the face of evil

Nice. Robyn took a picture of me when we got new cell phones. I look like a serial killer in this one. We both looked at it and said "damn!". Now, for you viewing terror.

Ozzy show '94

In 1994, I went to my first Ozzy Osbourne show. I went to Sepultura and Type O Negative, and if I had to deal with granpa-rock, I guess it would be ok. Suprisingly enough, Ozzy is one hell of an entertainer when he's not too high. Needless to say, it was an awesome show. What I didn't realize is that during the concert, the guy who I rode with was in an accident and was rushed to the hospital. I found out while we were in the parking lot from people who I knew who had also attended the concert. The assumption was he was killed. His pregnant fiance was still in the building and I was urged to go find her. And I was promised that they would make sure I got a ride home. By the way, this was 35-40 miles from home. I didn't find her, but I came out to an empty parking lot. So there I was 17, no money, and stranded in the center of a ghetto in another city.

What to do? He was sent to Moses Cone hospital, an 8 mile trek through a ghetto on a Friday night. I had to hoof it. I was thrown out of the venue, the police that were attending were only kind enough to point in the direction of the hospital and tell me to move or get busted for loitering. During my 3 hour death march, I was accosted by a wino who wanted me to "lie down in the bushes with him" for $5. I was chased by a group of guys that were older than me. I think they were just trying to scare me....and it worked. I got side-tracked off the main road and lost in the worst section of Greensboro, NC. And there I was, a 5'9", 155lbs, long-haired, 17 year-old white kid lost in a very bad section of town.

After an hour or so of trying to meander towards down town (and hopefully a road I knew), I found a cabbie who was between fares. He was a very large African man who spoke in a thick, but fluid accent. I asked him for directions to the hospital, which he gladly gave me. He then looked around and asked where my car or bicycle was as it was very dangerous for a young white man to be out in these neighborhoods at night and I then explained everything that had happened to bring me to this point. He told me to get in his cab and he would take me to the hospital, which I uneasily did. He was very kind and told me all about his native country, Gambia. When we arrived at the hospital, I told him if he were willing to wait for me, I'd get my wallet and gladly pay him, he refused any payment and wished me well. I never saw him again, but I wish him only the best. He didn't have to do that, and I didn't ask. Sometimes I wish I could be a good a person as that cabbie.

As for the guy who promised to stay and make sure I was ok.....Shawn. I hope you burn in Hell.

nearing the halfway point

I really did a number on myself this semester, fast track and all science classes. I'm glad I'm not trying to consider my GPA for anything. If I get by just passing with the one anatomy class, I'll be grateful. I know I'll do better in the second one, since I know what is expected of me. It's a damn shame the professor has no idea how to let you know what he expects. I have to do Summer courses this year to get all the classes I need in for Fall courses. 14 months and counting.....if I pass that damn A&P class.

During my anxiety attack, a strained a muscle in my upper back and it's making exercise difficult. I've been taking sleeping pills since Wed. The doctor told me he thought if I was able to get a full night rest, I might not need any anti-anxiety medicine. So far, he's been right. I can breathe and it seems like my studying has been a bit more effective. I'm hoping it will be good enough for this time around. If I have to retake one class, it won't be devastating.....humbling, but not devastating. So I guess we'll see soon enough.

wow....

The stress response in human can mimick a variety of illnesses, and cause many problems. Even though it is a mental response, the side effects are quite real. The past few days, I've had shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, and such. Most of these are symptoms of a real illness. I went to a doctor, he told me I was healthy.....after nearly $200 worth of tests plus drugs, he told me it's anxiety. I'm having anxiety attacks. Why? Too much stress. Too many jobs, too many classes, not enough relax time. I also have slight allergies....but anyway.

What to do? After the sleeping pill, and allergy pill, I awoke today totally refreshed.

I'm probably going to have to make some minor changes soon to aid in my overall health. I just need to figure out what I can be rid of easily.

10 effing hours.....

Not that I mind making money, but boy, I wish I didn't need it this bad.

Going back to school has several residual side-effects:

1. Always studying, so you get out of the loop for awhile.

2. Relationships are usually strained since you have no time. Strangely enough for me, this is not the case....at least not where it counts.

3. If you live alone (like me), your house will become a wreck. This is especially true for me, since I was never any good keeping house in the first place.

4. Your health can be effected. The stress of exams combined with eating anything you can grab makes for an unhealthy lifestyle.

5. Everything you want to do gets put on hold. You better be reading those books!!!

I must admit, I damn near bit off more than I can chew, but I'm in the process of regrouping and going at it ALL full force. If I don't, May '08 could be Dec '08, and that would put me way off schedule.

rough times

Sometimes you're the winshield, sometimes you're the bug.

buzz-buzz

Sadly behind

I've got two days to finish a lab report and finish memorizing the skeleton. I'm a little ashamed of myself, but I'll do great on both. I'm just now hitting my stride. My g/f told me it looks like I'm getting bigger from lifting....YAY! Now I only need to lose fat....

Goals

I realized yesterday, to do everything I want to finish my truck would cost about $800. I'm not too sure I see that happening. I might drop another 200-300 in cosmetics and let it ride from there.

I have not lost any weight since Christmas. I'm right at 250, so I'm just spinning my wheels.

I'm stuggling with college right now, I shouldn't even be writing this, but I can't study non-stop either. I will pass, I will succeed, but it sure is awful stressful right now.

Other than these reason, and never having enough money, my life is pretty good. I know I am loved and respected, and sometimes that is enough.

I like teaching, but I want to teach, not discipline. Where I work, there is so little teaching being done, we basically try to undo what thier worthless parents have been doing to ruin them.

I kinda wish there was a way to make my hair grow back, I'd grow it long. I think being the old, well-built biker guy with a white ponytail would look cool. Since that's not happening, I guess I'll be the scary bald guy.

Anna Nichole Smith.....

This is a classic example of Hollywood excess turned into tradgedy. She was a gold-digging stripper that made a career out of being a gold-digging stripper. She married a millionaire that was seconds away from death, became a playboy model ( I kinda like the larger, trashy-type). got fat, lost weight, and was having a rare comeback and died. She most likely died from OD'ing on all those painkillers. Like so many before, her body could not handle what she was doing to it and it quit.

I like the irony of her "trimspa" ads...."be envied". Nobody envies the dead.

I need an accountant!

I'm rotten with money. I think it mainly stems from the fact I make so little, but sometimes I wonder if I had more money (like when I graduate) would I be better off, or would I spend it all and still be broke? I really don't know. If I were to budget myself and set aside a certain ammount of savings, I'm pretty sure I'd do ok. I guess I need to figure out how to make enough cash to do some things I like and still be able to put money back. It's hard to live within you means when you make near-poverty level income.

It's alive....ALIVE!!!!

The Caddy runs. It fired up on the first shot, but it will need a lot of TLC before it's ready to ride. The good news is that almost all of the problems are cosmetic. I think the kids will really love riding aroung in my giant convertable.

The Cadillac Dairies.......

Not that the story of my humble Ranger is over by a long shot, but with the recent addition of the Caddy to my family of cars, I feel it is time to open a new page.

A Cadillac means different things to different people. It was the American Rolls Royce during our "Golden Age". A Rollex was "the Cadillac of watches", and Calloway was "the Cadillac of golf clubs". There was a time when a Caddy in the garage meant you had finally arrived. Mostly, my generation saw them as giant "grandpa cars". An Eldo convertible was a parade car everywhere you went. There were the ones that fell into disrepair and were seen as the low class showing off. Pimps, dealers, mobsters, thugs, and such may very well have one as a way to treat themselves for thier ill-gained fortunes.

I saw in it something my Granpa might have liked. I could see us in it with the top down. I kinda wish he were here now to see it. It would have been really fun to take him for a ride in it.

Mine was owned by an elderly lady who parked it in 91 when she became too old to drive. She died and the car stayed. People saw it and wanted to fix it and have it for their own, but it never became a reality and it sat until last week when it was offered to me. As of right now, I have not even started it as I have yet to get the keys. But there are a few thing that need to be addressed at the best-case senario.

1. Clean it up
2. New tires, battery, and fuel pump
3. new hoses and belts
4. Complete tune up and oil change.
5. New valve seals.

To do it "right" it will also need:
1. New top
2. New carpet
3. Rust repair & paint.

It doesn't look like a total "dog" I think it has a lot of promise. If I'm fooled and it turns out to be a money pit, I'll sell it after it is road worthy.

barn-car

Have you ever heard about the guy who found a '66 Stingray in and old widow's barn and was able to buy it for $75? It's an old story that may well be true. The thought that there is an old classic car tucked away, sleeping the decades away just waiting for an opportunist to come make a dream car out of it is a common train of thought in most all men. It happened to me today, well, as close as it does in my life.

I was offered a 78 Cadillac El Dorado convertible this Friday and snatched it up. I have a place to put and I'll put a few hours and a few dollars in it here and there and see what I end up with. Yeah, it's no Bel Air, or Stingray, or Shelby.....but a classic none the less. I'd like to photo blog this whole thing, so here is what I found yesterday.



It now has a new home, while not as posh and protected as the shed it's in now. It will get the TLC it needs. If I can afford it (if it needs almost no work) I'll have me a pimp ride.

lottery curse

I've read alot about the "lotto curse". It's a series of horrible events that happen as a direct result of the people coming into so much money so fast and wind up penniless in the aftermath. I can certainly understand what happened, but not so much as calling it a curse. A curse would indicate some magical, supernatural force caused all the "bad stuff" to happen and these things that happen are readily explained.

1. You win $100 million, you don't get the whole thing. Taxes are taken out. Inorder to get anywhere near the grand sum, you have to take installments that usually last 25-30 years. If you decide to take a lump sum, the actual payout is roughly half and a good lump of that will go to taxes, you might end up with 30 million.

2. People spend like there is no limit because millions of anything is beyond the normal person's comprehension. How far is a million miles? How much do you need to drive to amass a sum of 1,000,000 miles traveled? Take 10 cars and drive them for 100.000 miles. With no real concept of how to deal with that kind of money things can get unrealistic quickly. Buy all of you friends and family a really nice house and car, you can spend all most all of it right then.

3. People will start to feel you owe them something, you will get begged, pleaded with, threatened, sued and generally harassed because they want your money. You start looking like a walking piggy bank that everyone wants to crack wide open.

4. Party time!!!! With that kind of cash, you could live a live 99% of the population would crave, but that doesn't mean you can do everything you want whenever you want all day everyday. You have to pace yourself if you want it to last. You can afford a Bently but not a fleet of Bentleys. You can afford a really nice house, but not a mansion everywhere you ever wanted to live.

If you don't decide to keep up everyone who ever did you a favor, you can eat steak and lobster every night for the rest of your life, go on HUGE vacations with a small group of loved ones every year and have a full and satisfying life.

On the other hand, if you go around spending like a fool, throwing money away at every opportunity, you will be broke before you know it. With 100 million after taxes, you could spend over 9 thousand dollars a day for the next 30 years before you went broke. Hell, even with the afore mentioned 30 million, you'd have 2,700 per day to spend for 30 years. I don't know about you, but I think I could skimp a little here and there so I could splurge on a nice event all at once.

For me, the only lottery curse I get is when I see that I still didn't win. I say "dammit" and head to work.

One Cingularly bad experience

Before there was Cingular, there was a group of smaller cell phone companies that merged to become cingular. My original carrier, BellSouth Mobility, was one of them. They merged protocols and we traded up for new phone since ours was not in that protocol and I've been with them pretty much ever since and I've been really happy with the service until recently. The dropped calls have increased, customer service has become horrible, they've changed calling features and prices on me with no notice, and it only gets worse from there. Cingular offers "savings" on new phones via mail-in rebates. If that isn't the most insulting and demeaning premium to ever come around, I don't know what is, and just to really twist the knife in a little more; they don't send checks. They send Visa rewards cards. You can't cash them, you can't use them in many ways. You can buy more crap you don't need with them and that's about it.

The nail in the coffin is that someone has gotten my cellphone number and has been harassing me with blocked calls. After 9 years of faithful business, my only option to end the harassment is change my number...with a $38 service fee. I refuse. If I have to have all that mess, I guess I'll just have to switch carriers.

In a dynamic market that actually rewards customer disloyalty it is the customer who suffers in the long run.

The A&W burger joint

I love the root beer. You mean they actually have a whole restraunt based after my beloved soft drink? I came upon the website while procrastinating here: http://www.awrestaurants.com/default.htm . I see they are not too popular here, as there are only 4 in all of NC. Looking at the website, I can see why. I'm not too sure what the "curd it" incentive is, but I'm sure I wouldn't be into it. Also, all the people are ugly, they look like they eat burgers and they are on some type of antidepressant medication. Just browse through a few of the pages. If I saw any of these hopped-up, loony-bin escapees, I'd leave. Maybe they could find a niche by sending their website models over to McDonald's and scaring the the normal people to A&W. I'd kinda like to visit just to try a root beer float, but it just isn't worth the risk.

PA?

It has been brought to my attention that PA could be a nice place to move. I'm no idiot, I've done some research to see what the big deal is. Seems like certain areas are cracking down on illegal aliens. They have made English offical language and some counties refuse to cater to non-english speaking folks.

Let it be known that while I'm not xenophobic, I do harbor certain ill will toward people who move to MY country and make me try to cater to thier needs and bend to THIER culture. I say keep your culture, respect mine. I find it disgusting that there are places in the US where you cannot get a job as a cashier in a store if you are not bilingual. I can traipse through any country I like, wherever I want and not speak their language at least to some passable degree. Go ahead, try it.

Anyway, I'd have to reseach it more, but it would be more likely for me to be a forensic scientist there, but I still like teaching. The verdict is still out, but Nowhere, NC really isn't too much fun either way and if I want more for myself, I know I'll have to leave.

waiting for nothing

I've been a little lazy in my studies this past week, I've been lazy in everything. This upcoming week, I'll get back to work. Studies, housekeeping and fitness must not be neglected. The tradgic part is, even though I work close to 60 hour a week, I don't do much most of the time I'm at any given job. I've got to remind myself how important my goals are on a regular basis, or May '08 will not be of signifigance.

I have a slight feeling my weekend job is about to turn sour really quick. It get to become less and less of a good deal every week, as the owner has reniged on almost every thing that made this job a perk. It has made me less motivated, and I'm already lazy, so it becomes a downward spiral. I was hoping it would hold out until after school, but if it gets any worse, I might have to find something else.

funny how things work out

When I was 8 or 9, I went to a nieghborhood kids' house and his whole family was over, including his cousin. We were playing a baseball-like game. His folks didn't like me too much. One of the "adults" came over with a catcher's mitt and asked us all what we wanted to be when we grew up. The both said baseball players, I said I wanted to be a scientist. He started playing catch with them. After a bout 30 seconds of tossing the ball back and forth and ignoring me, he turned and said "You're going to be a scientist, right?" I got the hint and went home.

I thought about that yesterday on the way my anatomy class.......I'm going to be a scientist, are they ballplayers yet? It's funny how things work out, right?

hateful employment

I don't make enough money. This is why I went back to school and work a part-time job on top of my full-time day job. Everything seems to be getting worse at the part-timer. It started out as a great deal. I had decent pay, good working conditions, and generally enjoyed what I was doing. Due to certain circumstances that will remain unnamed at present. The hours are worse, the pay is worse, and the general enjoyment has gone down the toilet. The best part is that they are putting greater expectations on people for less pay. Not to mention the fact that I now have people going and reporting everything that happens to the owner, usually exaggerated and out of context, so I'll probably be doing something new real soon.

unusual weather

I like days like today, not hot and not cool.
Today feels like Spring weather I think Heaven should feel like, and I want to be in a park or on a green meadow with the one I love most. We could stare at each other while Sun warmed our faces. We could hold hands and laugh love with the sound of wind and children's laughter in the air.
Later that night we could cookout. Have some chicken and steaks on a charcoal fire while the kids chase fireflies. We'd be so happy and I'd want everyday to feel like today.

But I'm spending my day in an ass-smelling nasty garage and daydreaming between hateful customers.

The Winter of discontent

Winter is always bad for me. I get paid before Christmas and I over-spend. So there's not a lot of bill money in January, I have to catch up in February, which means I don't get back on an even keel until March only to have it start all over again. Fun days of PB&J sandwiches for lunch, pizza roll dinners, and what's this breakfast you speak of? I guess it's not so bad. If I learn to live frugally when I'm broke, I'll be able to hold onto cash when I need to after I get a better job.

new routine for a new year

I got back into the gym last night with a new twist on my old workout. I've been reading quite a bit on workouts. I'm trying to find something that will give me some progress. I am happy with some of my progress, but some not so much. As a result, I've decided to get really serious with my exersice. I'm going to get some of this fat off and get as much muscle on between here and June as I can and the only way I can do it is to get very careful with what I eat and stay with an intense workout program. I really need to ramp up my cardio too. I'm going to try to graduate from the eliptical machine to the treadmill.

I guess I'm tired of being fatty. I hate being "big guy". I'm 5'10". I weigh 253 lbs, which means I gained 5 over the holidays. My goal of getting under 200 seems so far away.

How much????

I bought 3 book for school that totaled $300! That's pretty steep! Higher learning = deeper penetration.

return to it all

I'm back at work. Next week, I'll be back at college. This may very well be my most difficult semester both personally and academicly. I have to trudge on through 'til May 2. Then I get to go to Summer school. Thinking about it all makes me tired right now. After this semester, I'll only have a year left before my degree. For me, I'll be so busy that the next 5 months will fly by....that makes me more lucky than others.

smoking section

I live in a town that has all but banned indoor smoking in public places, so unless there is a bar, you won't run into too much indoor smoking. As Robyn and I were enjoying a rare weekend meal at a restraunt, we detected the foul stench of cigarette smoke. I was about to comment on what kind of gutter trash goes to a non-smoking restraunt and lights up, but Robyn stopped me. It does stand to reason that it takes a certain level of trash to be so inconsiderate as to disregard other peoples allergies in lieu of you own addictions. That being said, I have no problem with tobacco use. I do not tend to use tobacco products myself, but I support free will in choosing to use whatever it is that you preferr. Mainly, I just wish that if it were a vise that is residually harmful to others, you would do it away from those who would rather not partake. The problem with this thinking is there will always be some jackass with a cavalier attitude toward whatever they are doing. "It ain't bothering you" No, asshole, it is not bothering YOU. If it were not bothering me, I would not have said anything, now would I?

Motorcycle

I want another bike. I miss riding horribly. When I was delivering pizza, I hated driving of any type and as a result, I let my motorcyle go for a stupid price. There were times I could have really used that bike too. I keep telling myself when I get done with school I'll get another one. I'll have a lot more resposibilities by then, so I don't know if I can keep that promise.

New Year?

I have been guilty of making New Year's resolutions because it is just what you do. Most of mine go the way of the dodo bird, as do they all. However, this yearI was able to keep a few.

1. Go back to college. I did that, working on that BA in forensics.
2. Get in better shape. I began exercising regularly and I am in much better shape than I was in a year ago. I'm not athlete by any stretch, but I might get there this year.

I think it's funny how people see a difference in one day over the other. On Dec 31...nothing, but on January 1, it's a new year time to change my life, it's a fresh start. Says who? Come tomorrow, you'll owe the same bills, you'll weigh the same, look the same feel the same. Anything, good or bad, will still be yours tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I like the course I'm going. I don't need your stinking resolutions.

day dreaming

As I am pretty broke, I can't do everything I'd like. I realized when I got my surplus tution check that an extra $800 one time isn't verry much, but as a regular part of my cash flow, it would be awesome. Spent wisely, it would take no time at all to straighen out my affairs and make forward progress. I dream about the things I can do when I finish school. Cookouts, motorcycles, vacations, new cars, nice clothes.....a family. Normal stuff is kinda nice when you haven't had it forever.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Yep, times has changed me. I've made a lot of major changes recently that I'm pretty happy with. By the time all is said and done with, I'm not too sure I'll even recognize myself. Priorities are different and such. I've accomplished a few goals....a few I have been lax on. I'm going ahead and making a few resolutions for the new year to help remedy that.

1. Fitness. Although I have been lifting regularly, I have not achieved the goals I had hoped for and I plan on changing that. I'm upping my exercise and will attempt to be in prime shape by June.

2. I'll finish the work on the Ranger by Summer and have another car in decent running shape too.

3. I'll keep the course in school and prepare to be finished in May '08

4. Speaking of school, I'll stay on top of my studies and not allow myself to get behind. I could have possibly had A's instead of B's had I not allowed myself to get behind.

5. I'm going to keep myself, my home, and my vehicles up as well as I can. Going back to the "hot damn" instead of "god damn" as the desired response when others see me or my property.

Big things that take small steps and yield major results.

Final grades in.......

I made straight B's......not too bad for an old under-achiever going back to school after a long hiatus. I feel more confident than ever that I can do this. May '08, degree......September '08, normal life ahoy. Basically 22 months and counting.

'Quillin.....

I've been sick all week. As a result, I have been dosing with NyQuil and DayQuil. Niether actually make me feel better, but I just didn't mind feeling sick so much. I've managed to do all of my X-mas shopping except two items and I'm slowly recovering, so all's well that ends well, but I'm still very weak.

You're Still Gonna Die

So you're takin' better care of your body
Becoming more aware of your body.
Responding to your body's needs.
Everything you hear and read about diets,
Nutrition and sleeping position and detoxifying your system,
And buying machines that they advertise to help you exercise.
Herbs to revitalize you if you're traumatized.
Soaps that will sanitize.
Sprays to deordorize.
Liquid to neutralize acids and pesticides.
Free weights to maximize your strength and muscle size.
Shots that will immunize.
Pills to re-energize you.

But remember that for all your pain and gain
Eventually the story ends the same...

You can quite smokin', but you're still gonna die.
Cut out cokin', but you're still gonna die.
Eliminate everything fatty or fried,
And you get real healthy, but you're still gonna die.
Stop drinkin' booze, you're still gonna die.
Stay away from cooze, you're still gonna die.
You can cut out coffee and never get high,
But you're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.

You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
You can even give aerobics one more try,
But when the music stops playin', you're still gonna die.
Put seat belts in your car, you're still gonna die.
Cut nicotine tar, you're still gonna die.
You can exercise that cellulite off your thigh.
Get slimmer and trimmer, but you're still gonna die.
Stop gettin' a tan, you're still gonna die.
You can search for UFO's up in the sky
They might fly you to Mars where you're still gonna die.

You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
And all the Reeboks and Nikes and Adidas you buy
You can jog up to heaven and you're still gonna die.

Drink ginseng tonics, you're still gonna die.
Try high colonics, you're still gonna die.
You can have yourself frozen and suspended in time,
But when they do thaw you out, you're still gonna die.
You can have safe sex, you're still gonna die.
You can switch to Crest, you're still gonna die.
You can get rid of stress, get a lot of rest,
Get an AIDS test, enroll in EST,
Move out west where it's sunny and dry
And you'll live to be a hundred
But you're still gonna die.

You're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
Still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.
So you'd better have some fun
'Fore you say bye-bye,
'Cause you're still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die.

~Shel Silverstein

memoirs of punishment:the ISS diaries

I told my music professor, who was an editor for Rolling Stones magazine and a freelance writer, about my job he said it sounds interesting. Not so much in the day to day, but the details and the "behind the scenes" look at schools and the kids. He told me if I wrote it up he'd proof read it for me. I always said I needed an editor. But wow, to write a book and possibly get recognition for it (or money) just excites me to no end. I wish I had time to write it. But I'll try to eek out a few notes as to what happens and see how far I can get in a year.

thin ice

I'm behind on my studies with less than 3 days to prepare for an exam. I'm pretty sure I'll do ok on the final, but I'd like to be a bit more prepared. I'll know better next semester how to pace myself and not fall behind. Even for doing it "for real" at an honest-to-God 4-year college, I didn't do to bad for my first semester. I got my AA degree at a community college, a crappy one at that. I didn't really put forth any effort to get my degree. So going at it for real is an effort I'm not used to exerting.

Maybe the reason I've never done well is because I never had the need to apply myself. I always just figured my life was meant to be a pointless waste. I never thought about tomorrow. Hell, I always thought I'd be dead by 30. I guess that was wrong, and here I am with nothing to show for my time put in. Most of the aasumptions I had about life and what matters were wrong. I think I got it now.

Life means so much more when it's a shared experience.

The final stretch

The end of my first semester is rapidly approaching. I'm almost caught up with everything. It looks as though I'll be doing good in everything....A's and B's.
I set my self up for a good dose of misery next semester, all three of my classes are science classes. I'm taking one traditional and two fast track. Fast track courses are shorter, concentrated classes that finish up in half a semester. I'll only be taking two classes at a time, but I'll get three total....Just enough to be considered full-time.

It's not so bad, going to school full-time and working. I'd like more than one or two days off a month, but short-term sacrifices are needed for long-term success. I'm aiming for quality of life here, and being able to make double my current income would be a step in the right direction.

Weekends off, chilling at the house all through the holidays, vacations....Oh hell yeah, I can do that

thanks, boy

I was pumping gas today, being very nice to the old man at the service station. After we completed the transaction, he smiled and said "Thanks, boy" as he pulled off. Now I understand, that little phrase was like a shot of ice water in my face. He meant well, but it was still very insulting to me. Words hold a certain power and sway,but are often used so carelessly.

Janis Joplin Live- Ball & Chain

1967 Monterey Pop Festival. This is where she was "discovered". Mama Cass is in the crowd and was just blown away by Janis. If this was to day, Janis would have never been discovered. Her performances were explosive and dripping with emotion with a raw power that is just not present in modern music.

portishead - glory box live

Portishead is one of my favorite bands ever. Great live shows, great albums, not a hugely successful band. Why? Beth Gibbons. The sultry voice of Portishead reminds me of Janis Joplin in many ways. So talented....so ugly. Beth has a voice that is like slipping into a warm, velvety dream....but she has a face that could make a freight train turn down a dirt road.
Doesn't really matter to me, I own their albums, but that is what is wrong with the music industry. They package the look and get the sound later. Most people will just plug into whatever is on MTV and never try to find something that could really make them feel.

ranger diaries...revalation

Having a decent-looking car does wonders for your ego. Having something to improve on is great.

I washed my truck last night and a guy at the carwash came up and told me how much he liked it. Yeah, I see now why people get into fixing cars...it's a form of self-gratification....kind of like masturbation.

Got my stereo, antenna, tires, and mirrors. I went with a Pioneer, my personal favorite. I'll need better speakers eventually, but not yet.

I really needed good tires on the Ranger. It was like riding a horse and buggy, and certainly not fit for running down interstate. I was able to get BF Goodrich Radial T/A's for it and they make all the difference in the world.

My chrome mirrors came in and they are really good for that truck. With older cars, I think it's hard to put too much chrome on them. I need my front bumper.

There is a downside to messing with older vehicles.....everything breaks. The brakes are weak, so while putting on the tires, I elected to replace the front calipers. The brake lines didn't match up. The nearest matching calipers were 40 miles away, so I got new front brake lines. While bleeding them, the rear line ruptures. Crappy luck, but better in the shop that going down interstate...so I guess I am lucky. I had metal brake line, but no flange kit. Bought a flange kit....it was stripped :-/ so had to get a new one. A cheap, hour-long job tuned into an expensive, 8 hour nightmare. But it was worth it to discover that bad brake line. If I had been going down interstate at 70 mph, I might have died due to that brake failure. I think my back drums are still screwed, but that will have to be another time. The new front brakes made a major difference, and with the new tires, it will scoot down interstate....mission accomplished. I'm going to finish the exerior before I start the interior......more to come.

Kiwi!

I think I understand this.



All die, not everyone truly lives...

extra funds....what to do?

I have found out that not only do I not owe extra money at college, I recieved a grant over and above my tution and there is a check waiting for me at the student accounts office. I've decided to spend it. There are so many things I need right now and some stuff that would just make my life easier. I'd like a laptop, but I'm not sure if I should get one. I know if I don't spend it on something big, it will just get eaten up by small bills and I'll have nothing to show for it. I'm not at the stage in my life where I can hold back money. I know of a few bigger things I'd like to get with a nice wad of extra cash.

I'm under 250. My Xmas goal of 210 might have been a reach. I'm still losing at least a pound every week, so perhaps I can get to 225. I was able to see past my gut while sitting....big ego boost.

the world of tomorrow

I was looking around the internet yesterday and saw all this advanced technology that facinates me to no end. They have robots out that can keep your carpet clean, called a roomba. They even made a version to scrub your tile floors. I want to see more. I did some more research and saw Honda is making a rather advanced robot that can walk, shake hands, avoid obsticles and recognize voices. I want to see the day when my meanial tasks are done by robots. Washed dishes, laundry cleaned and folded, yard mowed and so forth. I know that the technology will be in my lifetime, computers are almost doubling in power and capacity every year, power supplies get smaller. It isn't unreasonable to think we could have personal assistant robots in the near future. The question is, how advanced do we really want them? How far do yu want to trust the technology? How much would yu be willing to let them do for you?

I could see legislation passed to limit the power of robots and their function. You don't want a robot driving down the highway at 80 mph do you? Who would use their personal robots for nefarious reasons? Rig one with a bomb and send it off to sew chaos. Maybe they would be confined to a residence. If they were so advanced, perhaps it would make certain jobs at risk. Why hire some rotten kid to run the register at McDonald's when you can have a robot that will never get the order wrong and never miscount the change. It also never needs a break and won't quit or call in sick. I guess all those displaced in the workforce could get jobs programming and repairing robots. But what if we build a robot to do that? How ironic is the job to service the servant?

I guess I've grown older and saw the negative side of things. People will always find a corrupt way to do things. I guess one man's idea for a utopia free from menial chores, is another man's opportunity to harm others with the very same tool. I guess it just the same as a hammer. The very tool used to build a home can be the same tool to kill another. The potential is determined by the wielder.

fall break....gone!

I had a week off from classes and workouts and still managed to get nothing done. My truck is running, albeit somewhat buggy. I'm confident it will be an excellent vehicle. I had to replace the started on my car and really tore up my thumb in the process. But that's ok, blood is an excellent degreaser and the main tool in any garage is blasphemey.

Anyway, I'm starting up my normal grind again, and getting ready to finish out this semester and begin another in January. I'll be talking to a counsellor soon to see what I can do to finish up. I want to knock all of the hard stuff out while I'm fresh and coast on electives at the end.

V

Last night I watched V for Vendetta. I believe it is one of the best movies I've ever seen. The movie is set in a near-future England. War, disease, and national panic allowed England to become a totalitarian state with secret police, state-ran everything propaganda and distrust at every turn. To make matters worse, it seems as though nearly every facet of the government is corrupt.

Along comes V, a solitary figure that dresses in a Guy Fawkes costume who begins a terrorist-like agenda to wake the population of England and allow them to fight for their freedom.

Along the way, we have a detective, perhaps the last honest one in the whole country, trying to piece together the whos and whys of V. There is a pseudo-love interest played by Natalie Portman. Unlike her dismal Star Wars portrayal, she really shines here.

I don't believe this movie is for everyone. It is far too intelligent and deals with a touchy matter. V is both a villain and a victim. He is a murderous terrorist with vengeful plot. He takes down the people who made him what he became. In a post-9/11 world, bombings and plots to subvert the government are a little uncomfortable subject material.

I find myself thinking of Benjamin Franklin. "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase some temporary safety deserve neither"(paraphrased).

Either way, it is defiantly worth watching.

just plain filthy

My friend and co-woker at the gas station has been out of town for the past few days and it is nasty in here. You can tell when he's not here. I'm suprized, shocked actually, that the other employees(who are either relatives or near-family) would disrespect the owner to the point that they have. I barely know him and don't really like working here, but he's more than generous to me and I'd be ashamed to do what the "good" employees are doing. Which is next to nothing.

changes

I think I'm going through a change. I cannot define it nor can I tell where it will take me, but I am becoming a different person either way....I can feel it. Maybe all the things I am doing to improve my life are making me learn something about myself. I've spent 32 years feeling out of place in my own life and I'm just beginning to see where I belong. I don't know. I think school has jump-started my brain though. I was kind of shriveling up from not challenging myself.

I know that I don't think I've ever been happy once in my life. I don't define my life in terms of happiness, because I know for a fact life should not be 24/7 happiness, but a little bit would be nice. At least a bit that didn't come with a heap of misery behind it. Maybe I'm afraid to be happy. The closest I've come to happy in months is having my truck home. I can drive it, carry stuff around, and enjoy it in general. It's not even in great shape and has a long way to go before anyone other than me would want it, but I've wanted a little pickup for the longest time and now I have one. I even feel half-ashamed that I did get a bit of a smile when I was driving it this afternoon. People shouldn't get joy from material possessions.

Working out has changed me too. I have a long way to go, but I'm pretty much in the best shape I've seem in 12 years. I will eventually get to the flat belly and what not, but in the meantime......

There is something missing though, and has been for awhile. I won't go into detail. Although this is my Soapbox of the Soul, there are something I will not openly disclose. That is something I hope will workout too.

yin and yang

Why does it always seem like bad things come by themselves, but the good is always accompanied by more bad?

I got the Ranger home, other than a few quirks, it will be all good. Then my job......I gave a football player afterschool detention on the day of a game. Not mailiciously mind you, but he just had earned that punishment and it just so happened to fall on a game day. If he'd asked, I would have re-scheduled. It wasn't a huge issue at all. But he didn't, he skipped, and was in the game. From first report, a teacher gave him permission and no teacher has that authority. I don't get paid as much as a teacher, and I'm not too keen on the idea that a teacher may have ignored discipline procedure for what ever reason.

So here I am. On a day I should be happy and excited, I'm just mad as hell. I couldn't sleep well last night for being so upset and overslept for work.

ranger diaries update

The truck is reassembled, but still missing a few parts. It should be road ready tomorrow. I want to drive it, but I'm willing to wait and make sure it is right. This will most likely be one of the last ranger diaries updates, maybe not......

Dylan

I have discovered Bob Dylan through my music elective at GC. I always though of Dylan as an over-hyped joke. As required listening, I had to listen to a few Dylan songs. Now I see what the fuss is over. The music is pretty much mediocre on good days. But the lyrics were inspiring and thought provoking. It is so to the point and exact it's almost lewd, like the thoughts that you wanted to say but never had the courage, and he says it in such a calm, matter-of-fact way. Not all of his songs are that way, but they all make you feel.

Light at the end of the tunnel

The ranger will most likely be done in a few days. It will most likely be a great running vehicle for a long time to come.

I'm passing all my college classes, roughly B grades. I made a very high C on the botany mid-term. I know I can do this now.

I lost a notch on my belt. that means I losing some fat. My exercise and diet is paying off.

Sometimes you need a big confidence booster. You have to know what you are doing is making a difference to give you the motivation needed to do what has to be done.

I got just that this week.

coming in dead last....

A person I despise gave me an great quote about 7 years ago. No matter how you train him, a jackass will never win the Kentucy Derby. Today was a hee haw kinda day for me. I begining to wonder if got myself in over my head. Hell, I'm not even sure why I'm doing all this anymore. Oh yeah, money.......without more money I won't ever have anything.

ranger dairy update

Ah bitter disappointment. It appears my truck has a bad head gasket and more work must be done to get her a-runnin'. A setback, but I have most all the parts to replace if needed, but damn, I wanted to be done and driving it.

rabbit food

As part of my ongoing health/fitness issue, I've added a new step this month.... salad. *shudder*

For the entire month of October, I will eat a salad for lunch nearly everyday while at school. I don't really care for salad, but I need green, leafy vegetables. A few less fat calories during the day won't hurt either. Vegetables, raw no less, is just so unsatisfying for meals. I like grease and fat. I like meat. I like eating hot foods.

Since officially starting a gym, I've dropped 10 lbs. I've not felt this good in a awhile. I've lost upward of 30 dieting, but it was always unsatisfying and unmaintainable. I'm changing my lifestyle one bad habit at a time. I'll admit, I'd like to see some results in my waistline, but one thing at a time.

ranger diary update

I actually was able to drive my long-dormant truck. To hear it fire up for the first time was very exciting. It still needs tweeking and tuning, and it especially need some driving as we are quite sure it has old gas in the tank. There will be a can of dry gas and a tank of premium in the very near future, as well as an oil change and some oil treatment.

Paul has a theory, if you were to put at least half a car payment in your car fixing it up every month, within a year you damn near have a new car. A hudred a month in an 85 ford ranger will make it a new vehicle very quickly. If I can keep it running for a bit and looking good, it might become the V8 ranger I've wanted for a few years. We'll see.

aging

I guess age is sneaking up on me. I notice I'm getting wrinkles, the kids I'm getting at school I knew their parents when I was in school. I'm usually the "old guy" in the classes at GC. How did I let time get past me so quickly?

One year lost is a shame, but I feel like I've wasted 12 years of my life. I have nothing to show for my entire adult life.....nothing. I want the same things everybody else wants. A nice, relatively normal life. I want someone to come home to other than my over-dramatic pet cat. I want to have weekend trips, dinners out...Hell, I'd love to have a few nice dinners IN.

Damn, why didn't I try harder when I was younger?

check, please?

I'm sick of school already, college and work. I have an A and a B, but the other one has no grade yet, so I feel I'm doing well, I'm just so tired. I should probably working on my botany stuff. I have the midterm exam in a few weeks and it promises to be a tough one. I don't know if I'm prepared. I feel great about my first lab report and I actually enjoy them. The hands-on helps the awkward terms sink in.

My workouts have suffered because of school. I still exercise and I'm making progress, but my odd schedule makes keeping up a healthy diet and regular workouts hard. I was going to start eating the school salads, but they have no mayo-free dressings and I no longer have a fridge to keep any, so there I am.

The truck is so close to completion, I can barely stand it. To make the interior look as decent as the exterior, I'll need about $500 worth of work to it. I need it to be road worthy. I have alot of junk to haul off.

I don't know what's up with the gaming group, we haven;'t been able to play in close to a month, but I have enjoyed my alternate plans. I think I'd almost rather it not re-commence for now, I just don't want to be the one to do it.

On the car front, I've had to put a door, brake lines and tires on my car. I'm pretty much Doby's indentured servant right now, seeing as how I had to charge everything to the store.

I guess the thing that really has me down is that I'm just not satisfied with work, life, or myself in general. It's like I'm on a set path to an unknown journey and I'm not even sure if it's worth the effort. My journey towards self-fufillment seems to be so stressful and my be costing me more than I'm wanting to pay.

the ranger diaries update

The cabuerator needs to be rebuilt, and I need mirrors, a grille, and a pair of headlights and it should be in running shape by then. From there, I fix up the interior and put in a bedliner. If it all goes down, that pickup will be the nicest looking vehicle I've owned in about 8 years.

I've never had any problems with driving jalopies, as long as they run well. My current POS runs very well and gets decent interstate mileage, too bad the drivers-side windows don't roll up. I guess I need to take care of that before Winter. I've decided against trying to retro-fit it with A/C for right now. I've gone a long time without it and I can live without it for the time being.

how much sand?

Although I glad I'm in school, I regret waiting so long to go back. I'm not a young man anymore and I'm tired most of the time. I eat to keep calories in my body, usually on the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through.

I seem to be most successful when I don't think too much about what I'm doing. I just do what I know needs to be done.

I'm trying to find a midground during my school days, to discover there is none to be had. There are only my needs and no time for wants. I don't even know why I'm feeling so down right now, I knew this was going to be the way everything was going to happen.

I get happy when I imagine myself marching for my degree. Chances are by that time, you won't march at all. You'll go listen to a speech and go home.

I'll take what I can get.

how much sand?

Although I glad I'm in school, I regret waiting so long to go back. I'm not a young man anymore and I'm tired most of the time. I eat to keep calories in my body, usually on the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through.

I seem to be most successful when I don't think too much about what I'm doing. I just do what I know needs to be done.

I'm trying to find a mid ground during my school days, to discover there is none to be had. There are only my needs and no time for wants. I don't even know why I'm feeling so down right now, I knew this was going to be the way everything was going to happen.

I get happy when I imagine myself marching for my degree. Chances are by that time, you won't march at all. You'll go listen to a speech and go home.

I'll take what I can get.

I feel so many things changing in my life, some of them I'm not too sure I like.

dandelions

I like dandelions. A tough little flower, just a weed to most. I've seen one grow in a crack between pavement in a parking lot and thrive. You just have to respect that kind of resilience.

dreams......

I had a long day at the service station. I tend to daydream there. I pass the time by thinking about how nice it will be in two years, after school. I will have completed my 5 year goal....about a year later than expected, but I didn't for see everything that would happen. I think about my little home in the country, Summer vacations that are eventful(in a good way). I dream of a home and family.

It's amazing how someone else's dream can become your own. Sometimes I wonder what my dreams were. Did I ever really have any?

my brain hurts

I've officially gone to all my classes as of today. I now realize how much of a sacrifice I must make to get this degree. Two years of writing papers, spending my spare time wracking my brains out over notes and books that are about as exciting as snail porn.

First was "History of Rock and Roll". The teacher was an editor for Rolling Stones magazine, and had some integral role in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Easy survey class from what I can tell.

Second was "Intro to Criminal Justice". Harder class, a bit more writing intensive, but the teacher is an animated Jamaican woman and I can gather the class will be interesting.

Third was "General Botany". This is going to be the rough one. People left his earlier class looking like they had their asses handed to them. A vacant, yet defeated look in each ones eyes. A true roadblock professor.

I drove home tonight wondering exactly what had I done to myself and what am I going to do. The answer was simple. I've made an investment in my future at the sacrifice of the present and I'll do what must be done to pass and get my degree so that I can afford a decent quality of life.

In two years, when one more framed diploma is on my wall, and I am able to fulfill a few dreams and keep a few long due promises, I'll hope what I'm doing right now will be appreciated.

really big day

Tommorow I go to college to "check in". I basicly sign away the next two years of free time for a chance at a better future. I also have to get a tetnus shot to update my immunization records. Lucky me. They are free tomorrow at the check in. I'm not even sure how I feel.

Went to visit the ranger today. They were actually working on it and it only looks like a matter of time before they are done with the actual bodywork. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the finished product. The wheels I wanted are already on it and they had since completed the wreck damage removal. I want to see it all together.

dark days ahead

I'm starting to watch my calories. A guy my size that works out as much as I do can consume roughly 3500 - 3700 calories a day and maintain weight, so to lose pounds, I need to consume fewer calories and make healthy choices for most of my meals. For the most part, I've done pretty good this week. I did poorly last night. I'm not going to be in "awesome" shape before school starts, but if I keep the current regiment up, I'll be close to 200 lbs before Christmas.

Between here and Christmas, I have my first semester at Guilford College. I'll be going 3 nights a week and I'll still be working full time for the school, part time at the gas station. I'm exhausted just thinking about what needs to be done.

I had a dream last night. The guy who said he was going to give me a chunk of his lottery winnings came through. I went to some generic casino somewhere that gambling is obviously legal, took a third of what he gave me and made a small fortune out of it. I wasn't able to live like a king, but it was enough to do everything I wanted to do and have enough cash left over to be comfortable. I wish I could interpret that into something meaningful. I can only assume it means some risk will be involved in the days ahead.

Life can be a gamble, to get the big prizes, you must take the big risks. So many parts of my life are up in the air and where will I be when this is over?

promises, promises, promises

This past Sunday, I was quite busy. During a stint in which I had Uhaul customers in the store, both bays full of customers, and a tire repair waiting. Some guy pulls up in a krylon-white early 90's Lemans POS asking for a used tire. We don't generally carry those tires and didn't have anything for him then either. I sent him to the nearest place for used tires. End of story, or so I thought.

After a day of getting my ass handed to me, I'm in the middle of unhooking a uhaul trailer and used tire guy comes back. I assume he wants me to put a tire on his raggedey car. I was wrong. He proceeded to tell me that he went where I told him to go and bought a lottery ticket after he got his tire. The ticket was a jackpot winner: $77,777, and since he would have never gone there with out my direction, he felt he owed me some money from it.

At this point, I would have figured he wanted something, but he showed me the winning ticket. And I thought "Wow, I might have a lucky day." He gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him and he woulod meet up with me after he got the money to give me a cut.

Today is Thursday, after 3 attempts to call him, I'm going to assume he got that money and decided that it would be better to spend it all himself. Moral : Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

It wasn't a big let down, I wasn't really expecting him to give me anything. Also, my life has been so filled with letdowns, broken promises, and screw jobs that this one really had no effect.

....but it is an interesting story.

the gym.......

Finally took the big step and joined a real gym this past week. It was perhaps the best choice I've made in awhile. I hurt in all manner of ways I never thought possible. I see this as the fuel I need to get to the next level of fitness. It's amazing how much you can hurt yourself when you have the right equipment.

There are cheaper places to workout, but the hours and the atmosphere are top notch. I can't imagine a much better setup. Usually the place is near empty and when it's not, the people are nice.

service station blues

Working at a service station is not so bad, but it sure gets hot and miserable. Imagine changing oil on a car when it's about 100 outside. People yell and bitch all day, but they give Paul more Hell than me. I think people fear bald white men. We got that "I could snap and take you with me" vibe. How else can you understand someone who's idea of grooming is to run a razorblade all over their head? Me, I'm just sick of looking like a monk.

I've worked all weekend and I'm tired. I went to bed sore and in pain. The pain woke me up several times during the night, so I'm miserably tired today. I need to go shopping, but I won't go alone.

I think I'll be joining a gym this week. Maybe I'll get a little fat off to accentuate all the muscle I've been growing.

Smooooooooooth

Last Sunday night, I finally shaved my head, or should I say Robyn shaved it for me. I like the way it looks, not too sure anout how it feels yet. I've been curious for years. I'm not too sure anyone gives a damn what my head looks like. There's the initial shock value of everyone seeing it for the first time and that's fun. I got a little irritation on the back of my head and it was weird sleeping on it the first time.

I bought a headblade so I could do it my self. I realized after my next shave how much of an undertaking this new look could be. I should probably invest in an electric razor to keep my head touched up between razor shavings. Hell, I'm starting to wonder if a local barber will do a straight razor shave for "special occasions".

It goes back to my last topic of selling something to the world. There are so many products out there for people who shave their heads that it's almost silly. And I'm tired......

SPLOG

spam + blog = splog. Not an altogether new idea, I'm just bored and decided to write on it. It makes me realize that no matter what you do or have or want. Somebody wants to make money off of it. Usually they want to make money off of it in the most vile way possible.

Losing hair and feeling bad? Rogaine, Propecia, Hair Club for Men, toupees, vitamins, spray paint, hair plugs, and probably a thousand more.

Fat? You got diets, gyms pill, shakes, liposuction, and God knows what else.

Lonley? Take your pick, we got dating services, phone sex, porn....

The solution for anything that makes you feel bad about yourself is here and they make a gut punch with BS testimonials about how bad they felt before and how great they feel now. Operators are standing by to separate you from your hard earned money.

Just when I think it couldn't get much worse, I get splogs. Somebody rolls up and says "Hey! Love your blog. Very interesting. Check mine out." If do, it's a splog. They are trying to sell you something.

Even though my blog is a public forum for my personal thoughts, it feels like a personal violation when I'm here being open and honest and someone is trying to help me meet singles in my area. The sad part is it usually isn't even a person, but rather a program looking through blogs for keywords and sends spam out. Doesn't always work too well, one time I made a comment about going for a swim in water so cold it made me instantly flacid, I was splogged for viagra.

I guess it just comes with the territory. But if sploggers have ruined your blogging experience, email me for more more information on "splog-X" splog filter. Send no money now, operators are standing by.

Selling out pays well.

Saturday blah...

I've been laboring under the desire to be free on my Saturdays. Actually, I want the whole damn weekend. But having free Saturdays is a good start.

My idea is in consideration of all the things I can go do & get acomplished with the free time. I'd be just a bit closer to normal. I did everything I cared to do today, and now what? Robyn is at work and nobody really wants to do anything else. I'm too broke to go anywhere. I guess I could mow my lawn & clean up a bit. I could work on making my back porch less of a clusterfuck. I should have a great work truck to do just that very soon. I could go get a powerball lottery ticket and hope for the best.

If I win, then what? Sit around with nothing to do. I don't drink or smoke. I don't party or travel. So what then?

ranger diary update

My free wrecked truck runs and runs well. Seems like the body work to make it road worthy will be fairly cheap. I'm looking forward to it. Can it be possible that this could actually go well?

Dear online diary

After taking a week hiatus, Paul and I are back in the gym. I'm nice and sore too. Every three weeks or so, it's a good idea to take a week off to let everything rest and grow. I've lost 5 lbs.. I can only attribute the loss to the extra biking. I've been lax on it this week as the recent heatwave might kill me. I really would like to lose about 25 lbs before school starts. Five a week will more than do it.

On the topic of lifting, my wrists are starting to give me problems and I now have to wrap them to lift. I think I need my wrist wraps when I bike too. Now what to do about my achey shoulder. I guess I'm just not 18 anymore.....

Starting in August, I'll most likely join a real gym. I wanted to prove I'd actually do it, instead of wasting my cash on a membership. If so, I'll get my extra bedroom back.

I shaved my head. I like it, Robyn hates it. I'm tired of fighting my hair or lack thereof. I'm 32 and unfortunately more bald than a man my age should be. I'm sick of fighting it and it's kind of embarrassing too. My head is clipper shaved, not razor shaved. I'll probably try the old razor shave by Friday

the soon to infamous ranger diaries

By this weekend, I should have all three Rangers in one spot. The charred, the wrecked, and the altogether dysfunctional. From there, we see which to pick and choose from to create Frankenranger; an abomination made from the parts of dead Rangers. The story of Frankenstein ends in tragedy. Let's be optimistic.

This is to a site were a guy made a very nice Ranger V-8 conversion and shows a bit of what is involved. I may not do it now, but the end result look fun as hell.

Notes of a slow Sunday

I stayed up too late last night.
My legs feel like rubber and my ass feels like lead.
I was left with no change in the rgister....again.
I went next door to get the only $20 bill broken into a ten and two fives. I'm still screwed.
If I don't get any cash buisiness today, I won't be able to pay myself.

*yawn*

After lunch:
Coated in grease and sweat.
Working on putting tire on a rolling abomination. RA is winning.
People come in droves for two hours.
I barely get stuff ready to close in time.
Register is full of money.
Decent turn around, all things considered.
Can't leave fast enough.

*groan*

ranger diaries update

My new find, ranger #3 is salvageable. If it is in running shape as was mentioned before, we have a project truck. This could very well become the kick around toy truck I've been wanting since the first ranger. Oh, the visions and dreams going through my head.

half a life

A person very close to is very upset because she sees now that the person that has been like a father to her half her life is a hypocrit. She's benn scorned and spurned all of her life and never felt at home no matter where she was. I think that is the scource of all her shortcomings.

Sometimes step-kids have it rough. You never feel like you belong and half of what makes you what you are is not around. You have a step parent who loves your parent and usually either doesn't really care about you, or infact, hates you. Everything you do will be wrong because that step-parent cannot see themselves in you. Maybe that's why the people who made up religon said married people should stay together no matter what.

I feel her pain but I've learned to accept it. I know I can't change the people around me, or how they feel about me. That doesn't change me as a person or who I am. I refuse to feel bitter about what has happened or let it stop me from being the best person I can be.

Everybody's life is a little screwed up these days and it's getting harder and harder to know what normal is anymore. If it's at all possible, I want to find it and live it.

the ranger diaries

I think in my fervor to get a pickup, I've been drawn into the Ford Ranger Zone. It's kind of like the Twilight Zone, just as weird and full of twists and misfortune. Last night, Paul called and said "Hey, you interested in a free pickup?" The answer is HELL YEAH! I had to pull 500 marionette's worth of strings to make it happen, but an old face from the past came through. Thank you very much.

Ranger #1 1985 2.0 carburated 5-speed short bed - The body was in great shape, it just needed a little TLC and engine work, it even had an old set of Cragar wheels that were appropriate for the age of the truck. I gave $600 for it and at the time I felt it was worth it. I was going to re-do the interior, put in a spray-in bed liner, and paint the old bumpers & grill black. I would have eventually put in a 302 to make it a hot rod. It *would* have been a great little work truck.

It was hit in front of my house (on a damn dead end)and nobody claimed responsibility for the wreck. It was due to have the entire top end reworked and caught fire the day I was to take it there. Very little was salvageable, but I saved the truck just in case.

Ranger #2 1985 2.3 efi auto long bed - Bought this one for $200 It's flat black and the obvious problem is some random emissions problem that I neither have the time, money, or patience to repair. So it sits, mainly because the guy who might could repair it, would rather get the money from converting it to a V8 and that's just not an option right now.

Ranger #3 1985 (see a pattern?)2.0 carburated 5-speed long bed. The free truck. Who ever was working on this one had the same idea I had for #1. It had a newer models seats and door skins. It has front end wreck damage that may or may not be fixable. It seems to want to run, but I really don't know enough about it yet. The paint was a really cool shade of dark blue and if it runs, I'll have enough now to form Voltron! ....I mean make a single decent running truck. I won't know for awhile yet.

More to come

Workout journal...15 weeks

Four months in and going strong(er). I've expanded my cardio work to doing an hour or more of cycling 3 times a week. Hopefully the fat will come off now.

They say if you do it right, 6 months will be the major point at which the difference is noticable. Paul and I are at week 15, 11 weeks from the "big goal". I saw a website where a guy went from my weight & shape, to not too darn shabby in 6 months. It took him several years to get where he wanted to be,but he was looking pretty damn decent after 26 weeks.

The bad part is my wrists are getting to the point I need to wrap them. My left wrist started hurting first and I bought a wrap for it, next day, my right wrist is hurting! I wonder if this is what they meant by "no pain no gain"?

save money

I'm going to try to get a new car in August, so I need to start saving today. I have several ways I can save money.

1. Cut off my home phone. Think about it, do you REALLY need two phones? there's $50

2. I purchased cable TV. I don't need to watch TV and I was beter off without it. $45
*the sad part is, for about a $200 investment, I could rig it up to recieve free cable for as long as I had broadband internet*

3.I could give up Broadband and save another $45, but that ain't happening.

4.I can replace one daily meal with a sanwich from home in leiu of eating out and save anywhere from $85 - $150 monthly.

5. I stopped getting my hair professionally cut. I'm balding and it looks like crap no matter what I do. Set of clippers & $20 saved.

6. If I got really froggy, I could ride my bike for short trips and save $20 a month in gas.

7. Being a bit more stingy with my thermostat could get $20 or more off my power bill.

Potential saving could go as high as $240 a month. That would be more than enough to cover a car payment. Not to mention the cash I could save not driving a gas hog.

expert at nothing

I realized yesterday that although I have a broad and varied field of knowledge, I'm not really an expert on anything. I'd like to be the defintive "go-to guy" for something, but I'm not.

no lifeguard on duty, swim at your own risk.

I'm working several days at the shop this week for a guy who's going on vacation. So I get a decent piece of extra cash for this month and it's already spent.

I trying to teach Robyn's youngest child to ride a bike. I used to be an avid mountain biker when I was younger and I'm trying to get back into it. Not only am I remembering how much I liked it, I think it will help shape my body more into what I want to look like.

Speaking of body building, I've been growing and making gains, but it has been noted that my gut doesn't seem to be going anywhere and it's getting frustrating. I know it takes years of determined effort to make a complete change, but I'd like a bit of a taper at the waist to look better. People at school saw me an hour after a workout and noticed I was pumped up and that is great ego candy, but I want some big results.

Actually, I want something to make me feel good about myself. I'm balding, and have been for about 10 years, my hair looks bad no matter what I do to it so I just buzz it off. I'm fat and I'm broke, my credit is so rotten I can't get a decent car. It seems as though even though I've joined the Credit Union, if your credit history looks like you never pay off your credit obligations, you're too much of a risk for them. So I can't get out of my embarrassingly ugly car and have a decent vehicle.

Everything I want is going to take me two or more years to accomplish, and it's so damn frustrating because there is no guarantee it's all going to be alright.

They say that when you're drowning, after a few minutes of initial panic, your mind starts shutting down and pumps your body full of endorphins to calm you down. As you succumb from oxygen deprivation, you are in a euphoric state, aka high. No real importance other sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of bullshit.

I wonder if that's why people hit rock bottom, they see no way out of their problems and they succumb to apathy, drugs, whatever and just give up.

the misadventure continues.....

I want to try to compress my 3 day courses into two days for fall. The only elective I have should be movable. That is my only quip with school.

I've been putting off everything under the sun. I need to finish the work to my car, but I haven't gotten the initiative to do it.

This past Sunday I revived my mountain bike. I bought a GT Palomar in the early/mid 90's and never really got too much use out of it. Sadly, I had a Huffy that was a fraction of that bike and rode it silly. When I was mountain biking, I was in the best shape of my life. I want to rekindle my love of that activity and shed a few dozen pounds of blubber in the process. I never actually stopped liking the mountain biking, but hectic work schedules and my own laziness made it difficult to find time to keep up the hobby.

My workout program seems to be doing well. I'm right at the three month mark and I'm happy with the gains I've made, but I do need to lose some fat with it. Most of the "legitimate" workouts show decent results after 6 months of dedicated work. I hope to have that 6 month difference look about the time school restarts.

school's out, school's out!!!!!!

Last week I packed my stuff up and said farewell to GMS for the Summer. Although it pays a pathetic amount of money, I feel important there and I miss it terribly. During the Summer, I'm Mike, I stay at home all week and go pump gas on Sunday. During the school year, I'm Mr. Wilson, the ISS teacher and you better do what I say if you know what's best for you.

My end of year review was glowing, I expected as much. I'm very dedicated to my work.

I've always been competitive in such ways. I always want to be noticably useful in whatever I do. There has to be something I do better than anyone else. I can accept not being the best, but I always want to be among the best.

Summer becomes the time for projects and fresh starts. It's a time of reflection. I ask myself what I can improve upon next school year and move towards it.