....

Alot has happened and will happen this week.

I get the Crown Vic back this today. I just had to pour and extra $300 in it due to the power steering giving out. It was leaking before I parked it, so not too much surprise there. Just a few more minor things and she should be good to go for awhile. As ususal, this project is taking more than I can afford, but at the same time, I can't afford not to have it running.

This Tuesday, we talked about running a new D&D game. I think the magic is there for a great group. I was worried about schedule conflicts, but it seems like a perfect fit for me. I hope for the best. The last time I played with the fellow who's running was the best gaming experience I've had to date.

Tonight, I'm pulling a late-nighter, I'm helping Pual do quite a few mutually-beneficial things. I hope to get a few car-related things accomplished too.

Paul and I will begin working out shortly. I've been pigging out and just making horrible eating choices. I'll wean myself back into healthy stuff soon, but I want to do everything gradually, so that it becomes natural routine.

Wow, is the weekend really over?

Alot and not much happened this weekend.

1. Got the Vic back, but the leaky steering gearbox went out, so I'm stranded yet again.I'm going to be hurting money-wise for this month. I was supposed to get tires, a muffler & inspection done on the Vic, but that will have to wait.

2. Paul dropped by to see the proposed workout area Saturday, we are both motivated to start this. I didn't get the work I started Thursday finished.

3. Robyn helped me get alot done on Sunday, but we never got finished. I ran my tail off getting the part to put the CV back together and getting it to Harmon.

4. I worked Saturday morning at BB before the store even opened. Found out I was to help do things in the store that I had never been trained for and that hadn't been done properly in about 4 months. I started, got a little bit finished, and that was all I could muster.

The weekend was over and done before I knew what hit me.

serious exercise

Paul has shown an interest to start exercising with me. I got in the best shape of my life at 19 with Paul's help. Maybe we can re-capure the lightning 12 year later. I cleaned out a room for working out, then I needed to clean my equipment.

I have a Weider home gym, one of the cheap ones that I paid $200 for in 1993. It has been rusting on my back porch since I moved to my current home in 1998. I dragged it into the room, disassembled it, and used a wire brush attachment on a power drill and knocked off a good chunk of rust an the paint that had flaked up. I then cleaned and sprayed the brushed areas with rustoleum. Then I put it back together.

I ingested a good bit of rusty dust and spay fumes while doing this, and my chest is a bit congested today and my mucus is black. I ache from the efforts. Moving that stuff around is a real workout. Next week we'll be moving some of his equipment to my house, that will be a real workout too.

Robyn suggested that I get a new home gym instead of messing with that old rusty one. I agree that the seems like a good idea, IF I keep this up. If I do not follow through, then it will have been a waste of money. Why not fix what I have and go at it? If I keep it up, reward myself with better equipment. If we started right now, early March, I could be trim and fit by the start of school this fall. I'm going to get Robyn to take a before picture of me and I'll print it up to keep me motivated.

Harmon is actually working on my car, but he's taking his sweet time. He says he could be finished today. I hope so. I need wheels this weekend more now than ever. i'm not going to do much more than keep it road worthy. Only one of the poewr windows work, I think I'll fix those and put in a stereo. If I can afford a better car a little bit down the road, I'll transplant that powertrain into my ranger.

Am I shady?

Robyn has commented in the past that I'm a very shady person. I do things most people would not do. I enjoy things that wouldn't normally be enjoyed by a "nice" person. I think of laws as guidlines more than actual limits to behavior. We talked about some of the shady things I've done as an adult. I wonder sometimes if I'm evil. There are several degrees of good, why not several degrees of evil? Here goes:

1. My car insurance expired last August.
2. I stopped driving it in February.
3. I pick up furniture out of people's yards.
4. I took a ladder from a buisiness once.
5. My day job is punishing kids. I like it more than I probably should.
6. I kept a convienience store job for years just because I liked to screw with the customers.
7. I can be very selfish.
8. When I have a person I dislike, I pull no punches making them miserable.
9.If I get road rage, I relax myself by imagining slowly torturing the person that cut me off.
10. I'm not sure I feel emotions the same way others do. I think my ability to empathize is not very well developed.
11. There are a lot of things I would do, but I don't want to go to jail.
12. I file share.
13. I've pretty much broken all of the 10 commandments and had fun with it too. I have not killed anyone that I know of....

I've noticed older people can get away with more too. I got stopped in February for having expired tags and no insurance. I played dumb and he let me go. I thought for sure I was going to get arrested. I was also stopped at a license in December with no insurance and revoked tags. They never even checked.

Maybe it doesn't make me evil, but I'm not exactly a boy scout either. I think I weigh consequences vs. results, morales aside, if the outome is better than the consequences of the risk, I do it.

disgusting proof

Thismakes me sick.

"Record executives have hesitated in the past to embrace digital singles because they feared that consumers will cherry-pick songs instead of buying the whole album." <--- just one snipette that just angered me. They wonder why so many people are stealing music. You're not paying $15+ for an album. You're paying $15+ for one, maybe two songs that are decent and the rest is filler. They want you to buy the garbage.

I need an editor.

I think that some of my material is great, but a bit rough. I need some polish to make my rate gems shine. I need an editor, or at least patience enough to proof read and run spell check.

sigline

I guess it's time to realize your wit is wasted when no one notices your Latin tag.

thanks Nate

I watched the video clip on my friend Nathan's site about the scientific seach for immortality. I found it depressing. There are so many questions that go unanswered for this.

If you can find a way to live forever:

1. Would you want to?
The first knee jerk response is yes. But what if you get bored, everyone around you dies, you're lonley, ect? The human condition is centered around the concept of a finite lifespan. Altering that alters us as humans.

2. What about overpopulation? If people stop dying, we got some problems. Earth can't fit all of us unless we stop breeding.

3. What does it speak of religon? If we really don't "have" to die, then what? Was God wrong? Was He ever even there?

The people were mostly atheists. They were spouting ideas I have only thought and kept to myself. The thought of nothing after death saddens me. Coming to the realization I won't get to talk to my long dead grandmother again, or go to whatever afterlife is like having grief all over again. It makes you question everything.

One of the scientists put it nicely. In a nutshell, he said just don't know what's out there and we have no reason to believe we know until it happens to us. If you die and there's nothing, you don't find out, you're just gone. He stated that he just didn't care to take that risk. Not that he had any choice, but he backs the research to prolong life indefinitly. He even supports cryogenic suspension "just in case" he doesn't get to that breakthrough during his natural lifespan.

I have made it very clear that I'm more agnostic, but I'm leaning toward atheism. I want to believe, but I can't bring myself to believe. I'm far too cynical.


Either way, it was an interesting clip and worth a watch, despite my feelings on the subject matter in general.

I guess I would try it, but I wouldn't want to spend forever alone. If everybody was doing it....wow.

Hey, I haven't seen you in 800 years! Drop by tomorrow, we have some catching up to do.

You know, law enforcement would be different. You've been found guilty of __________, your sentence is you lose your immortality. You get put on an island where you can't get whatever mojo you need to keep you young. Then you grow old and die. To live in a society where you never had to die, then be brought to terms with your own mortality that would be a horrific thing to grasp.

Nasty synergy

I've been working seven days for three weeks and I'm burning out. Best Buy is not a hard job, and I've come to enjoy it at least a bit. I still don't want to work there.

Robyn has been picking me up at night. Sometimes we go eat afterward. Last night we went to Shake & Steak. A guy came in as we were getting out food that cleared out half the restraunt. He was smoking a cigar.

Cigars do not offend me as much as cigarettes do, but still not what you want stinking up the whole place while you are trying to eat. He had a very creepy mannarism to him also that I can't quite put my finger on, it was like all of his actions were memorized an rehearsed, but acted with no feeling or sense of purpose.He was disheveled, dirty, and unshaven, his teeth were the color of mottled storm clouds and he smiled alot, they looked as though they were carved from mashed potatoes. As if they were just firm enough to hold their shape. His double chin was like a pot belly, round and overlapping. He drank a chocolate milk and puffed his cigar between sips and I could only imagine how nast that combination must be mixing in his unhealthy gullet. He could make Jabba the Hutt look svelt and dapper. I felt dirty just being in the same building with him. I mean dirty. I wanted to.....

1. Brush my teeth.
2. Shower.
3. Blow my nose.
4. Wipe my ass.
5. Wash my hands.
6. Eat a salad.
7. Change clothes.
8. Exersice.

I wanted to do whatever was needed to not be like that. The sickest part, was there was nothing "over the top" gross about the guy it was just a really good combination of small stuff. Nasty synergy - where the total output of grossness as a combined package is far great than the nastiness of the individual parts. He had nasty synergy. I want to put a poster of is repulsive ass on the inside of my front door, so that I am motivated to diet, exercise, acheive, and practice good hygene.


Jim has told me that we may be gaming again soon. An old familiar gamer may be joining us. Dave, the guy who ran the first two D&D games I played in with Jim is interested in joining up. We'll see. Working two jobs and finding a common free time could be tricky.

If I can wrangle a free day, then it'll all be good. The ideal time would be Staurday nights. Robyn's working, all my "normal" friends have off as well. Only I don't have Saturdays off...... The only sure day for me is Tuesday of Wedensday even so, I'm not sure I want to play every week.

My car is close to being finished, meaning Harmon called me to tell me that he was putting my car in his shop and will be working on it this week. We'll see.....

denied

At 15.5k a year, I make too much money for financial aid. I guess the 13 and change after taxes is more than enough to live on and to better yourself. I like to break it down. S here it goes....

15,000 <-- what I made.

13,500 <-- after taxes

- 10800 <--- annual living expenses that include: rent & utlilites ONLY.

____________

2700 <--- is my annual superflous cash...too bad I have not ate, nor bought clothes, nor put gas in a car.


4200 <--- is $30 a week in gas and a reasonable food allowance for a year.

- 1500 <--- the annual deficit from my day job vs. my living expenses (which are not extravigant) hence my part time job.


So, although I cannot afford many things in life, I must put myself into debt in order to have a better quality of life.


You know, if I were not a white male, I might be eligible for aid under my circumstances. I won't spend too much time sulking, or assigning blame.I want to find a way through this and succeed.

baby steps

Last night, I went home with the resolve to clean up all my main rooms, then after dinner, my knee started killing me. I'm mean barely walk pain. I sat out and played a little gunbound, talked to Robyn, and listened to some XM. About 10:00, my knee felt better, I cleaned my kitchen and it looks good again. I'm going to want to detail scrub the floors at a later point. The downside of grout is it is usually put in the homes of poeple who are neater and more together than I am.....and for very good reason. They require care and upkeep to continue looking nice and I'm not much on that stuff.

My parents want me to do work under their house. I did some of it last week. A heating duct fell and has turned the crawl-space into an incubator for the most foul mold.I was under there for 15 minutes and came out with a headache and a low grade fever. Now they want to me to go back and repair the duct as well as run a vapor barrier. I want an oxygen supply and a hazmat suit.

2 weeks.....no car

The fellow working on he CV is taking his sweet time, as expected. I've learned I'm not as dependant on a car as I thought. I won't really NEED a car until I go to college. The Vic is a comfortable ride, but not practical. I was thinking about my ideal car. They are as follows.

1. Mechanically sound
2. Very cheap on gas
3. Affordable price wise
4. Comfortable.

If price were no object and I could afford whatever. I do have a list of cars I'd preferr.

1. Hummer H2 - I just like them. Nothing says "I have more than you!! nyaa nyaa nyaa" like the H2.

2. Mercrury Merauder It is a souped up Grand Maquis / Crown Vic, Basically a 4 door luxury Mustang Cobra. Does Mustang Cobra sound wierd to anyone other than me? It's like something Napoleon Dynamite would have drawn. " It a Mustang Cobra half horse - half poisonous snake, feared for it's skills in magic. Idiot!"

3. Dodge Viper - This car runs on testosterone. Panties melt within a 200 yd radius of a Viper. Mind you, I'm not looking, but I like to be looked at.

4. Ford F-150 crew cab 4x4 sport. The truck is just awesome to me. I'd put 33" tires on it.
Every redneck would give up thier Dale Earnhardt swag to be you when you drive by.

Hell, any car would be decent about now.

Cruel intentions

http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,18161866%255E663,00.html

The above link goes to the Bali Nine herion trafficking trial. The two ringleaders recieved death sentences by firing squad the remainder were life in prison. Sounds harsh to western ears, but in a part of the world where shoplifting can get 20 years, not so much. So I thought a little commentary is in order.

I feel little mercy for drug dealers. They chose to traffick in Bali because of the high profit. There is such a high profit because there is such a risk if caught. More than a few Eastern countries offer up a death sentence for brining illegal drugs into thier country and I can't say I blame them. They have seen the ravages of drug abuse first hand and made a hard decision on a hard problem, and who are we to judge? Perhaps we are way too soft on drugs and thier traffickers. How many lives are ruined in our country due the the devastating effects of drugs?

These nine, from 19 to 26 in age, have sent a message that millions will hear: don't bring your drugs to Bali. If nine willing law breakers pay a heavy price for thier crimes, is it worth it?

The saddest part is, I actually approve of the legalization a marijuna. The taxible revenue would do wonders. I think there would be residual benifits I can't even imagine, but if a country takes a hard stance against drugs, should we feel bad about their plight? I can't say I do.

valentine's day blues

I have the night off, but my g/f has to work a double tonight. No Valentines for us. I'm so broke with my car situation right now that I couldn't do anything anyway. While i'm listening to internet radio and eating ramen noodles, I'll be thinking of her.

The only positive of this situation is that I reall need to do laundry.

The completely overblown gas prices make me want to look into electric heat. If I had not had a $250 heating bill, I'd be a tad better off money - wise, the car situation didn't help either....

Guilford College seems to be interested in getting me financial aid to start up this summer. I'm not approved for any yet, so here's to hope. I might actually look good on paper.

Robyn's family sees me like a family member. I guess that's cool, I've been around for about 8 years now and deep down I'm a nice guy.

Nice guys finish last, I need to be more hateful.

one anticipation for another

Dear Michael:

Congratulations! I am pleased to inform you that the Admission Committee has approved your application to Guilford College.........

I think reading that sentence was the closest I've come to crying in a long time. My responses have been tempered with the reality that getting approved was only one small step. Now, I must get funded. Then I must do the difficult part. Actually doing it. It would not be unreasonable for me to be able to complete in 18 months. I just hope it all works out.

Robyn is really working hard on her studies. I'm very proud of her. Maybe we'll be getting to the point where we'll be successful about the same time. I know I'm sick of being broke.

Sometimes I feel adrift in the sea of poor life choices I've made. Swimming against a current of difficulties I, myself placed. I think having no purpose is alot like being lost at sea. It seems so hopeless you don't if you should stay the course and hope that you do not succumb to attrition, or perhaps meet you maker early with a quick and merciful death.

Stupidity is like a desert a noon, the unpleasantness of it saturates every pore and there is not one morsel of your body that is not miserable for the experience.

anticipation

I have no clue as to how long it takes for a school to consider you for thier program, but it's been several weeks now since I sent in the transcript forms. After I get approved, if I get approved, I must apply for finacial aid. Without financial aid, I will be unable to finish school. If I can't get up to the next level. I must quit this job as it will not be providing for my needs. I guess the cynic in me is lurking about. I'm seeing to obstacles in my path and they are daunting. I can barely afford to live, let alone do anything else. I came to the realization that if things don't work out with school, I might as well move away.

Putting the tranny in my Crown Vic is going to wipe me out this month. So the other car I want to investigate in a no-go. I decided against trying to by a new car in lieu of getting the Vic going as my source of basic transportation. I figue if I can keep myself afloat for this month, $600 is a big pill in one gulp at my pay scale, but easier than 100-200 a month plus taxes and extended insurance for 3-6 years.

Sunday, Robyn helped me with my spare room. She has a knack for organization that I may never posess. She is a relativly disorganized person, so that speaks volumes against me. She is helping me on the road to being more organized. I help her pass tests. I think all good relationships are ones where strengths and weaknesses are balanced between the two and you help make each other a better, stronger person. It's kind of hard to lift someone up when you're flat on your back, but I do what I can. Now that my back room is all but clean, I can get my exercise equipment in there. That will get me toward another goal. The motivation to do it will all be on me.

I said something this week that made me feel bad. Robyn and I were talking about faith and religon. Neither of us have strong spiritual ties. In fact, our lives to date make us kind of un-religous. She relates more to Wicca, I'm more into Buddism, not for any spiritual aspect, just the philosophy. We talked about Islam and Christianity and how so few people seem to be representig God the it's described. She was talking about how can she believe in God when it seems like every person trying to screw her is a church - going Christian. I said said that emotionally, I want to believe, but if God wanted me to believe in him, he would find away to convince me. Cyclical logic won't cut it if you want me to be convinced of intellegent design.

Sometimes I think religon is like Sata Clause, it's was created with a purpose, it's well thought out, and there's just enough truth to it to make it work. And when you believe, it seems to work. If you really believe in anything, your mind works in ways as to see it. Also, if you're a decent non-believer, you won't try to burst that bubble for those whom thier faith is all they have.

Money and happiness

"money can't buy happiness" - some idiot

My long held belief was that money can buy happiness, but it was argued in such a way that I changed my view just a bit. Money can do a lot of thing that can help you be happier, it can relieve alot of worries, but past having your needs met, more money will not make you any happier. In fact, too much money can bring misery.

Money can't buy happiness does not apply to the people who struggle. Money can buy the destitue some measure of content.

politics.......

I guess that as you get older, politics become a part of your life. The interest in them at any rate......

I'm voting straight democrat this election year just to see if we can get enough Dems in the house to oust "W". We need relief from his madness.

Let's see what's happening......

Offers up NCLB (no child left behind) that not only does not work, he had funding cut for public schools.

Wages a war that nobody can justify. Even after being admitted that it was started on falsified information, it's still going on.

Says it's all for promoting democracy, yet our war supplies come from a communist nation, China.

Our constitutional rights are being trimmed away.

The Supreme Court is being filled with like-minded people. I can only assume it's to rid us of those pesky rights so "W" can be charged.

We've sunk billions into a war on terror that is not helping us. We are not any safer now that we were at 9-11, nor will we benefit from it in any way I can figure out. At the same time, we cut eduction, federal aid to students, and social security.

Corporations and special interests now control the United States and most likely have for a very long time.

loose change

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2023320890224991194

Loose change is a 9-11 conspiracy theory documentary about 1 hour long that get you thinking. There is some hokey science at play there but there are also some good points and interesting facts.

I myself am fairly internet saavy. I've seen jokes and hoaxes galore to the point that they become glaringly obvious at first glance. The statments mde and the argument presented make me wonder what's up. I actually want to research it now.

This title not to be confused with my bank statement........

water.....

I'm back on my water kick. I have a 64oz insulated jug at school I sip on all day. My bad sleep habits keep me from getting up in time for a good breakfast regularly, so I guess that going to bed earlier will be my next thing.

My workout room wil be prepared soon and I'll beging my slow path towards getting in shape. Even as we speak, the Vic is getting the tranny work done and it will be road - ready hopefully by the end of the week. In the mean time, I'm coasting on fumes.

I recently found an older Mercury Grand Marquis, as in 1984 older, that apparently has 34k original miles, If this be the case. It is a very rare find indeed. Buying it and getting the beast on the road will be quite a feat considering my limited resources. I would sideline the vic project but I already told the mechanic to start on it. I might just sell off some stuff to get it all together. Two running cars: the pizzaman's dream. With Robyn's car reaching th 240k mark and falling to Hell, I might need a spare really soon. And maybe a year down the road, I'll do the ranger v8 conversion.

I said it before, I feel like I've hit my stride in my day job and it only stands that I should move upto a point where I can get more pay. With more money, i wouldn't be worrying with all this BS.

yeah, I'm a slacker

I'll have my Crown Vic on the road again soon. Yeah, It's ugly as sin, but I think it will be a very reliable vehicle with a new tranny. I originally wanted to put the engine in my Ranger, but I wanted it to go in with fuel injection, but Harmon doesn't feel comfortable doing it. He's more old school like that. So, if I want him to do the V-8 conversion, it has to be carbed.

I'e been told the Mustang GT is an ideal match, but darn hard to find a whole car that is worth it as a parts donor. I have actually seen one of these and talked to the man that did it. "Not too easy, but not as hard as you'd think for a whole custom swap. Almost everything matched up perfectly." And it was a beast, too.

Since I'm on a junkyard budget, I'll wait untill the perfect deal comes up. I missed out on a perfect 302 for $100 dollars.....oh well. That project will need to wait abit, I suppose. If I can hold off on buying a car, I might try to get a motorcycle. They are much cheaper on gas after all.

Resolutions....

Last year, I resolved to take up reading books again. Sadly, I say again, but I've never been a big reader. I'm an excellent reader, but I never really had the time. Last year, before my house burned down, I was reading Interview with the Vampire. I have yet to find the book again so I have not picked it back up. Before Christmas, I picked up Dune, Herbert Walker's sci fi masterpiece. I didn't have much time to dive into it and honestly, it can be a rough plow at first. I'm over half way through and finding my self upset that in less than a week, I'll be done. I like to savor the text. I allow the words to soak in and give me a deep, vivid mental image. I usually only read in bed, I might need to change that ritual, give myself an hour or so before bed time to read. When reading myself into mental exhaustion, I fall into dreamy sleep. I like that the most.

Last night I slipped into a dream of walking the deep desert of Arrakis. I stayed to the rocky areas and watched the great worms in the distance. One was being ridden by a Fremen to some unknown, hidden sietch.

I'm slowly hacking away at my spare bedroom/ junkpile. I planned on geting into shape and being more organized this year. When the room is cleaned out, I'll be more organized and I'll convert it into a workout room. Working on two at once.....

The last one was school. I procrastinated to the point that I need to re-apply for financial aid, but I did apply, my trasncript request has been filled. Now I'll re-do my aid papers as soon as my new W-2's come in. By the second week in February, I'll be done with it all. Then, in two years......I'll be 34 and I'll have all the tools at my disposal to carve out a decent life for myself.

favored cars

I'm having to do the car scramble this year. Not a fun thing, but the Honda is falling appart at the seams and Isn't really worth fixing. I was hoping to do something decent with it, but it just won't happen now. I'm not close enough to a solution on the ranger. So with little less than a few hundred I can throw at the problem, and not really being in a "make payments" stage of finance. I'm going to put a tranny in my old '91 Crown Vic police cruiser and drive it for awhile. It's big, ugly, and beat up....everything execpt the motor, that is. It has a fine EFI 5.0, and the interior is not too bad either. With a decent stereo, I could drive it a few years.

I have owned/ had regular use of the following vehicles in my life.

1. 1966 Oldsmobile 442. My first car. It was a cool old muscle car that was too much of a project the day it was bought. Unfortunately, it was a great source of grief. My Dad and I referred to it as a "thosemobile" since it was an odd model that you could not find parts for.

2. 1979 Monte Carlo. This was actually my mom's car, but I drove it alot while waiting for parts for the thosemobile. I did like this car alot.

3. 1982 Ford conversion van. My Grandad's pimp ride. It was a heaving hunk of garbage that he let me borrow from time to time. It was a rolling motel. Perfect for teenage dating. Personally, I'd kill the boy that drove up to pick up my daughter in a van knowing what I know now.

4. 1979 Datsun B210 hatchback. My mom's paper car, and my back & forth car after keeping up the Old's was too much.

5. 1987 Nissan 300 zx. A very sweet ride. I liked this car the most of all.

6. 1983 Datsun 280zx. "ghettolicious" just called ghetto for short, mostly because it looked like a ghetto, toren to shreds, scary-looking, and illegal. It had an exaust leak in the car and I may have suffered brain damage from the carbon monoxide, but past that it was the fastest car I've owned.

7. 1982 Datsun 210 sedan. As big of a piece of crap as this car was, I loved it. Super cheap on gas (35 +). Alas, if I had the money to upkeep this car, I'd prolly still have it today.

8. 85 & 89 sentra project. I bought two Nissan Sentras for under $300 and wanted to "make a car" one had a great body, the other had a great engine. I messed up the wiring harness. Other wise, I did good. But the car project was a failure.

9. 92 Crown Victoria. I bought this car for $600

10. 91 Crown Vic. A monsterously powerful ex-cop car that has a bad tranny.

11. 1985 Honda Accord. This should be an awesome car....but it's an awesome disaster.

12. 1985 Ford Ranger shortbed. A fixer upper that was a hit and victim then burned down. A shame too, it had great potential....

13. 1985 Ford Ranger longbed. Undaunted, I bought a $200 project truck. I've not done too much with yet.

14. 1980 Honda CB650. My first motorcycle. It was garbage, but I loved it.

15. 1983 Honda Magna 750. A very fast bike indeed.

16. 1996 Honda Magna Deluxe. This was my only brand new vehicle. I sold it to afford college and I miss it dearly.

I promised myself 2 things. When I get my BA degree, I'm buying a new car, then I'm buying a motorcycle.

of things lost

I was cleaning out my junk room this week. I find it amazing how easy it is to hold onto useless things "just because". If they were to be lost, it's like "oh well", but you can't physically part with these things. I wish I knew what makes a pack rat horde things.

I chucked three of the 30 gallon trash bags full of crap. Old pillows, stained shirts, power cords to electronic devises I may or may not own. I even have old raggedy furniture that is of no use to me, but still, someone gave it to me......

I guess I'm just a recovering packrat. I need a packrat support group.

Hi. I'm Michael, and I'm a packrat.

Hi Michael

Yeah, I've been keeping too much stuff. I don't know how it came to this. It just piles up and I can't get rid of it and I don't know what to do with it. I can barely walk through my house any more. I went into a closet yesterday and ....it all happened so fast....the contents came pouring out and crushed fluffy! I knew I needed help.

Well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the idea.

The burning question was "If if store it away to the point where it is inaccessable, do I even really own it anymore?"

realizations galore

My efforts to return to school have been redoubled. I just realized that I could be making double what I make now in under two years if I go ahead and get it done.

I'm sickened that the cost of everything has doubled but my rate of pay is the same. In 1996 I was getting paid about $10 an hour, worked 35 hrs a week, and I was on top of the world. Today I work 60+ and I mostly broke. What happened? Corrupt government. A dirty criminal and his cronies are in the White House today and look at the mess. Wages have not significantly increased in 10 years, but everything else has.

In 1996:

1. Gas prices in this area ranged from .95/gal - 1.25/gal

2. Dinner for two at a restaurant like Applebee's was under $20.

In 2006:

1. Gas prices range from 2.25/gal - 3.00+/gal

2. A dinner for two at Applebee's is $35 - $45.

AND WE'RE STILL GETTING THE SAME CHECK FROM 10 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!

Oil & energy companies are reporting record profits. Yet almost every other sector is taking a beating and nobody else sees the connection. What do we need to do as a country to make this work? If people could live comfortably on one job's wages, you could have a better job market. I know I don't want to work any more than necessary.

I would daresay that two simple fixes are needed to give this country a much needed boost.

1. Get better control of our energy needs.
2. Legalize a certain substance and use the taxable income, which is in the billions, to fund other gov't programs.

Of course holding all current lawmakers accountable for the actions of their laws would be nice too.

XM 3 day trial

On Sunday, I did a 3 day trail of XM. I liked it. I thought subscription radio was a silly idea, but it's really quite nice. About 100 crystal clear, commercial free stations that play non-stop. Sounds cheesy, but I'm really considering popping for it. I've had a pretty bad problem with broadcast radio.....it's horrible. Too many commercials, the same 12 weak songs all day. I listen to mostly talk radio since the rest is almost completly un-listenable. I don't want to spend any more money, but I figure what the heck 13 a month won't kill me.

Dark Days Ahead

The Winter of Discontent is January for me. I get paid twice in December due to the holidays. I get caught up, buy a few presents, and then try to ride out January without another big check untill February. My car is a disaster. I won't put anymore money into it at this point, and it could die at any moment. My truck is in limbo untill Harmon recouperates so that's a no-go. And even if it were to be fixed, I can't pay for it. I have just enough food and cash to make it through. I know that my returning to college relys on my ability to A). Get financial aid, and B). Have a reliable means of transportation to get me there.

On the positive front, I talked to my manager at BB. She'll give me more hours if I open up my availability. I'm cool with that so long as I don't have to run into the idiot I've had problems with. Since he mostly works in the morning, I don't see that as a problem. He could mess it up for me though, so I might need to just explore other options.

It looks like my RPG days are over. I put out an offer to run a game for awhile and nobody went for it, so I give up. I've tried to get a group together with miserable effect in the past and I refuse to put such effort into something like that again. I'd consider walking into a pre-assembled group, if the situation was right.

I think my healthy step this month is to drink more water and plan healthy meals for lunch and breakfast. I think 1/2 cup of oatmeal or an egg will do. Lunch will either be grilled chicken or pork, or a salad. Sugar and starchy foods are my weakness. When I cut out sweets and bread I drop weight like mad. Next month might be exercise time. Since I won't be hosting a game now, I'll take the junk room I was going to convert into a game room, and make a wieght room. I need to be in shape before I shave my head.

A part time job with purpose

As little as BB pays, everyone is all happy with the discount (which is quite nice on some items), Just about anything you want is sold so close to cost that there is no discount at all. Best Buy makes all it money on service contracts, accessories, and services(computer repair & home delivery). Since there is no discount on computers, cameras, or media (movies music & video games) there is no real perk to working there. I need a place to work part time that I can get a useful discount. Maybe a clothing store. Yeah, that would be a pain in the butt, yet it would be sweet to get decent clothes at dirt cheap prices. Maybe I'll do a little pt job-hopping to get what I need out of life as cheap as possible.

stagnation and the greatness of nothing.

I guess my problem these days with writing is a lack of inspiration. You get into little routines that eschew all creativity. There is no sitmulation, no growth....and nothing to write about. Writing about the fact I have nothing to write about. Ironic.

Some kid in ISS once said "I don't see how you do it. How do you sit here all day?" Easy, I get paid to sit here all day. Everything I do revolves around the fact that the better I do my job, the less I have to do. I love efficiency. My Mom says I'm lazy, she should know, she's an expert on the subject.I argue that actually getting as much as possible for minimal effort in a virtue....working smart, not hard. Now when I figure a way to make doing next to nothing profitable, I'll be set. I want to be a consultant, a counsellor, or a lawyer. All get paid a tidy sum for nothing.

Nothing can be good. Nothing left to work on, nothing left owed, nothing to regret, nothing to worry over. There are nothings for which we can be grateful. When there's to do, you can do what you want.

I work three jobs and go to collge right now so I can have more nothing time later. Oh my sweet nothings......

12-step New Year's resolution

Not as in being an addict, but I realized that people do not adjust well to lots of change. Gradual change yields the best log term results. I thought about it and it makes sense. pick a New Year's goal for yourself, say....lose weight/ be healthier. Figure out what you need to do to achieve that and add one new aspect a month. So as to get used to it. After a diligent month, it is a routine now, aka a habit The two main aspects of weight loss are diet and exercise so start out simple.

January - Eat a healty breakfast every morning

Febuary - Start scheduing two days a week of exercise nothing rough a brisk 20 minute walk. a bicycle ride, an aerobic tape in your living room.

March - Start drinking you daily allowance of water.

April - Give up one unhealthy thing, or at least cut back.

May - Eat a salad for lunch at least half the week

June - Add a third excercise day.

July - Give up another bad habit, like eating before bedtime.

August - Add two "workout" days to your exercise regimine ie light weight training do them on exercise days.

September - By this point, your health should be way better, go from light workouts to strenious workouts.

October - Make a major change, like only eat sweets once a week or something of the sort.

November - Look at yourself and how far you've come along and see what you need to change next.

December - When you have maintianed your goals and now you may have very well gone from couch potato to athelete, figure out what you want to change next year and make a 12 step goal chart.

I think this one will be mine......

House keeping....

Robyn lived up to her end of helping me clean up and start getting my "sheet" together. Unlike normal, where I start at the front (main rooms) and work back, she started at the back and worked forward. The result? My bedroom is really clean and all my laundry is now under control. I'm only a short time from getting the major chunk of the house under control. During my sparse time at home this week I actually did upkeep and it felt great. It'd hard for a person like me to get organized and live neatly. Anybody who knows me knows why. I did not grow up in a neat and organized house. I grew up in a filthy wreck of a home. It has been a long ambition of mine to not live in such a manner, but it's so hard when you never learned how.

I'm going to try to get a better part time job soon. Best Buy is not cutting the mustard. Not enough hours, not enough pay, and too much grief for as little a paycheck as I get.

Now onto a different subject. At the age of 31, male pattern baldness has me tight in its grip. I would like to do something about it, but I'm not up for iffy surgery, smelly concotions you slather over your head daily, or drugs that have questionable results or dubious side effects.... I love the commercials though......

Restorex, the one a day, hair restoration pill.

Are you bald? Do you feel depressed, and anxious in social situations due to your thinning hair. Have you tried everthing with little to no results? Ask your doctor about restorex.

Restorex is the once a day pill to regrow your hair. Only a small percentage have no effect. Women may not take restorex due to hormonal side efeect.

Possible Side effects in men include constipation, diarreah, dizziness, imoptence, rectal bleeding, and tooth loss.

Finally, an easy way to regain that youthful head of hair....just in time for your funeral. Schedule an appointment and see if Resroex is right for you.


Have you ever noticed that the side effects on the new drugs make the ailment you have seem kinda minor? Just pain ol' scary to me. Take a pill for hair loss that give you the runs, take a pill for the runs and it gives you headaces, take a pill for the headache that makes you dizzy, take a pill for the dizziness that makes you fart. If you stop taking all that mess, your hair falls out but then you feel great. I cannot fathom sacificing my health for the sake of vanity.

Since I'm sick of my hair horseshoe-ing on me, and I don't like pill-popping, I'm considering shaving my head. If I do, I'll have gone through every extreme in my life, hair-wise, from long to long gone. I have yet to work up the nerve. I might do it over the Summer, certainly not now.

a master of misery

I realized in the second year of being an ISS (in-school suspension) coordinator, I'm just now hitting my stride. I've learned quite abit about what works and what does not. Now let it be said, I am concerned for the welfare of my kids. I do, however try to make the experience here miserable. If they hate what I do to them, perhaps I can get them to not want to come back.

I have come to discover I have taken jobs that will allow me in some way allow me to be cruel to someone else. My job at the convience store, when I worked it was an inconvenience store. Other employees visited on my shifts to see what kind of crap I pulled. Since I took the shifts that nobody wanted, it was easy to keep my job.

I also worked at a buffet restraunt. I provided the food, and little else. I was the guy who stood in the window and asked if you wanted ham or roast beef. I was a very good meat carver. People would mess with you, so I messed right back. I got reprimanded quite a few times, but I still managed to keep a job because I was the person who carved efficiently an saved them $100 + a night in food cost, worked every night that nobody else wanted, I was meticulous to detail when I cleaned and there were never any "surprises" the next day after my shift.

My longest work was in pizza. I delivered and managed, there was alot of horrible things I did in an 8 year span in moments of anger that I shall plead the 5th at this time.

Then we have Best Buy. Actually, I do everything that is expected of me, but one person hates me. I don't quit because he dislikes me so. I'll quit as soon as I give him a bleeding ulcer. Actually, I'll quit way before that point, I just need to find something more my speed that pays better. Until then, I gain comfort in the fact it crawls all over his nerves to know we have to work together.

I'm sure there must be a compromise somewhere that I can get what I need money-wise and be able to go to school full time to finish my degree.

I question was asked of me. If I'm so hell bent on going to school for forensic biology as my four year degree, why still aim to teach? It was a good question that I have yet to find an answer for. I like working in a school. My pay is rotten, but I just love being here. Even after all is said and done with, this is an awesome job, I feel important, and every once in awhile, I think I reach a few of these kids. In the mean time, I make them miserable.

Rockin' in the New Year.....

In a recliner. I had Robyn's crock pot bbq ribs yum. I watched a Law & Order CI marathon on TV, realized the quirky guy that stars in it was Pvt Pyle from "Full Metal Jacket". Creepy......

School starts back up soon. I'm ready to get back to work. I'm going to be coasting on fumes through January, but I think it proves to me I need to be taking home about double what I am to be comfortable.

I will, funds permitting, go back to college soon. I will do whatever it takes to make it all happen. I could get a BA in 18 months. I'm eager to explore this option.

I contributed to Paul's site...go check it out, the link's in the sidebar.

I still want to write a book but I can't come up with any decent ideas at the moment....more to come. I guess I was always a "prompt writer" give me the topic, and I'll go on for days, try to have an original idea.....I'm screwed. I can think of Star Wars stories, D&D-type stories, Dune-type stories, nothing my own. I want my own niche.

Thanks to Robyn, my bedroom is clean once again.

UPDATES:

Truck: none, Harmon has been in the hospital. Living too wild I suppose.

Work: Best Buy still sucks.

School: finally moved on it, will have everything in motion by Summer session.

School(work): Still love it. Still pays for s**t.

That's all folks! for now.

tis the season....

The holidays have come and gone and I'm on break from school. For the first time in years I attended the Christmas party at my Aunt Alice's home. Alice was my Grandfather's brother's wife. My Great-Aunt. It was a warm, happy place to be. I'm starting to realize my immediate family is really screwed up. Everywhere there was happiness, and joy and it felt good. My parents' house was filled with guilt, and half-hearted attempts at merryment. I would have rather been at home alone than stayed the night there. But stay I did and the only things I got that I liked were the things I already knew I was getting, because they were bought on my Best Buy discount.

I could have afforded alot more gift-wise, but I didn't go overboard. My theory is simple. If they are mad at the fact of how little I spent then they didn't deserve a present anyway. I would not want anyone to go into debt for my Christmas, and believe me, they didn't.

I've to make some New Year's resolutions to break and I wanted to come up with something funny, but I'm not in a funny mood right now. I want to start exercising again, and eating healthier. Those are pretty easy.

My goals for 2006 are as follows:

1. Get in shape.
2. Eat healthier
3. Get a good car/truck.
4. Get back into school.
5. Be a neater, more organized person.

They are all easy and everything has been set in motion to make them happen. All I have to do now is just follow through.

It looks as though my D&D group is now kaput. We went through our current plotline and now the DM is stepping away from the table. It was a good adventure and I am glad I played it. I'm sad to see the retirement of Draco Malestrom, sorcerer extrodonaire, but it was a good run and the door is open for a return. We may play again, we may not. Maybe it's time for a new group anyway. Maybe it's time to give up gaming altogether, only time will tell.

I sent my truck off to be repaired with no news in two weeks, so I guess he's not in any hurry to get it fixed.

Best Buy still sucks donkey balls, I'm going to try to find a better part time job ASAP.

sociology

I took sociology as a humanities course for my AA degree. The teacher said that the trick to sociology is taking a "step back" and finding the strange in the familiar or vice-versa. You stip the famiar terms and labels from anything and look at it for face value and you get an interesting picture. I've often argued that after we are long gone, archeologists from the future will think our culture worshiped mice and our holy city was in Orlando, Florida. Puts a whole new spin on anchient mythology......

I liked that course, very interesting. I liked the idea of understanding the mob and how groups of people function together. A mob functions alot like a person does, however, where there is an inherent concience in a human, a mob has no soul. it can function with detatched emotion. There have been several studies to prove this and it can easily be observed in life. They don't call them soul-less corporate entities for nothing.

bad habits

I'm a creature of bad habit. It seems very easy to get into routines that are not beneficial. My worst habit is more of a character flaw. I'm lazy when it comes to my personal affairs. If it doesn't need to be done, it won't happen. I'd far prefer working hard and paying people to do meanial tasks like laundry and lawn mowing. Even car repair is something I'd rather let someone else handle.

I wake up at 6:30 every morning and got back to sleep until 7. At 7 I lament having to get out of my warm bed and snooze til 7:30. At 7:35 I get up and rush through my morning routine to barely make it to work on time. If I were a bit more pragmatic I could do everything I want and still come out ahead. Put shortly; I am my own worst obstacle. If I could overcome just one character flaw, I'd be unstoppable.

"It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy." - Blink 182

A realization.....

I just came to realize that if I join the NCSECU (North Carolina State Employee's Credit Union), I could easily afford a decent used truck or car. More to come......

In my state of desparation.......

I've decided to let a mechanic look at the truck and tell me what he thinks. This makes for an interesting situation. The only mechanic I know that works on junk cars is Harmon. My mom said she'd help me with the truck if I didn't employ Harmon to repair it. Well the person she reccomended took money and I had to tow the truck home. Now I'm out of ideas. He'll fix it. I'll pay him, and have my truck. More to come.

"One-upmanship"

Sorry Paul, I didn't have my code to log into your site handy, so this goes here.

I wonder how far the one-upmanship will go. By this I mean everythings attempt to "top" everything else in some sense. Tylenol wasn't good enough, we need extra-strength, then maximum strength. I'm ready foe tylenol Infinity - one tablet lasts forever! Elvis & The Beatles were as extreme as it got in the 50' & early 60's, now we have music so vulgar that it even makes me blush.

There has to be a cap to it all, but there is no end in sight, and the further you take it, the harder it is to come back. Simple pleasures should be paramount, revered even. A walk in a park in spring, playing with a puppy, watching the leaves turn colors in Fall, these things are all precious. Wonderful things like children laughing seeing a shooting star, finding a 4 leaf clover, these are the magical things in life.

We've become slaves to pop culture. It's all "extreme" and "in your face". Why does it have to be in your face? We have music that makes you want to fight, TV shows that numb you to everything, books that are never opened, and video games that have our kids vicariously dismembering people and causing wanton destruction for "fun".

And the values have gone away. We were in such a hurry to be rid of them, now they are gone and we see why they are so important. We have mothers & grandmothers raising children and fathers with no accountability. Boys especially cannot grow up proper without a man there to show them the way.

I can only hope we've hit the crest of the "extreme" mindset.

do or die ranger time.

I'm going to put a serious effort between here and January toward making my pickup road ready. I'm pretty sure it's close to finished, just a few bug to work out here and there. I still want to do the V8 conversion, but I'll have to wait for now on that.

Upon experimentation and playing with it. I conclude mechanically, it needs the Idle Air Control and the EGR replaced. I believe that the IAC is faulty, but the EGR was disconnected and has since stuck patrially open. Hence, it will behave semi-normal when warmed up. Now there is the brake issue. I'll get into that one later.

I think I can have it up & going in a few weeks, financing it all is the big issue.

I have failed myself

I didn't get crap accomplished this weekend. I did some good stuff. I help my folks and Robyn, but got nothing really accomplished for myself.

I came to a Best Buy revalation. The job itself is not so bad. I just don't like retail. I don't like it for the same reasons I don't like food service.

1. People are mostly surly, especially around holidays and you have to deal with them.

Now, I believe in customer service, but I'm not the customers' servant. I like to help, but I don't always care for the attitudes.

2. The hours are never constant, nor is the time you get to go home.

I hated the thought that a surge in buisness or a late delivery could keep you hour past you scheduled time. In the private sector, yeah, you have deadlines, but not every freakin' day. And I don't need to ask some scatterbrain for permission to leave when my job is finished.

3. Management is usually very inept and are the cause of reasons 1 & 2.

This needs no elaboration.

4. They pay slave wages.

I find it almost insulting what they expect a person to live off.

5. For slave pay, they expect you to work like you make a killing there.

I guess they try to pump you up for the "team". We're gonna work hard and have fun! Let me explain this, I'll enjoy my job when my pay check is large enough to cover ONE bill. Until then, bite me.

6. There is no accountability. Everybody blames everyone else for the mistakes that happen.

I was actually accused of three separate things the last night I worked with a team. I'll tell if I did something. They know I'll admit too, but I guess they want to see if I'll clean up thier mess. The answer is ususally yes.

7. The people who are not surly are little more than animals and they soil the area around them as though they were marking thier territory.

I have seen more nastiness in Best Buy from full grown adults than I have from the middle school students I deal with at my day job. And I get the worst of the worst kids! I won't even go into detail what I've seen, but if a peron does the kinds of mess I've seen and leaves it for others to clean up, they don't even qualify as humans.

I'm going to get my education completed just so I can earn enough to never even have to step into such places if I so choose.

half-day maddness

The new incliment weather protocol is being used for the school system. We've had two delays and zero ice. I will argue that even though it seems almost knee-jerkish, I'd far prefer err on the side of caution when childrens lives are risked. There is a downside. It seems as though getting to school at 10 vs 8 has an adverse effect on thier behavior. I guess they are lucid enough to be able to buck conformity by 10 instead of getting into the motions while still groggy.

Either way, a shortened day makes for some misery for most of the school and even I'm not immune.

Still haven't won the lottery yet, no end to poverty in sight. Days like today make me think I would quit if I struck it rich. I thought about it, all the kids acting like "buy me something", the school saying, "donation", and parents wanting to sue. There would be people hounding me for money constantly. I'd try to keep it sublte, but I'd eventually give in and buy a luxury item or two and the jig would be up.

I guess that's why they call them "life changing events". You can't do the same things you did before. The rules all changed or they no longer apply to you.

soft job

Paul called Saturday morning and asked if I could help him finish his move. There was no problem there. I was glad to have an excuse to get out of the house. He was moving to cut expenses and looks like he did a good job. It was a funny few loads. Paul is constantly aggrivated by his mom. He agreed to do what she asked and she kept on hounding him. They have a very fragile relationship that is hilarious to witness in action.

He had quite a bit of large items that had to squeeze through small spots. It happened within an hour or so. He place has many interesting features:

1. Upstairs loft.
2. Flooring by Salvitore Dahli
3. Delicious pecans everywhere (seasonal item)
4. Very odd non English speaking Kahzistani refugees as neighbors.

I think Paul may have instigated a Jihaad against himself by trying to shake the hand of the female elder. He may have only married her, thier customs are so strange and beautiful. I guess I'll know next visit what the outcome was.

GEEK-FEST!

What a weekeknd! Quite a few interesting things happened. Friday night I went to the Mebane X-mas parade. I'm not a big fan of freezing my ass off to watch kids stomp down the road and freeze thier asses off, but Robyn wanted to go and I accepted. It was very good. To my shock the opening maching band was the A&T Aggies! They were damn impressive too! It was an interesting surprise, to say the least and I had quite abit of hypothermic fun. The Graham Middle step team performed also. They were really dragging by the time they got to me. I pulled off my hood and said "GO FALCONS!" They turned and saw me waiving and they picked it up a notch. I didn't realize until the walk back that my bad knee had thoroughly stiffened from the cold and it was a painful hike.

At Best Buy Saturday, I found out that my co-worker in the warehouse was going to be absent. Not good. I had quite a bit of work to do but it was ok. If I stay busy, the night moves quicker.

During a shopping cart run in the parking lot, a little Ford Ranger similair to mine came roaring up beside me and parked. Those most familiar with Ranger know they don't usually "roar". I asked him and he quickly explained that it was converted to a 5.0 Mustang GT engine and tranny. I've been wanting to do this for some time and did quite a bit of reading on the topic. He told me that it was way easier than than most internet folk led on. He showed me the engine and explained everything I needed to do to make it happen and it is sort of simple, but I couldn't do it myself. I see a new idea for my truck forming even now......

Sunday was spent at Debbie,s house for her X-mas party. They have a really cute home and the food was great! She always did know how to throw a party. We're all older adults now, nothing crazy, pretty much family and co-workers. Almost every one there was a teacher, so the topics were things I could deal with. Then I was shown Jason's (Debbie's hubby) RPG collection. He and a co-worker/ gaming buddy talked with me about gaming. I was invited to thier game, but I don't think he realized I live 1.5 hours away. I'd be up for a one-shot, but I can't drive 3 hours round trip to game anymore. Wished they lived closer though....

Car-geekery, band-geekery, teacher-geekery, and game geekery, this was a wonderful weekend indeed!

more on creativity

I failed to mention my creative phase. I want to write a book. I've wanted to write a book since high school and had a basic idea of what I wanted to do, but I've never come to realize it. I'm thinking of writing some short stories first. Just to get my juices flowing. I might post them here, I just don't know yet. When I feel I'm up to task, I'll start a novel.

I was always complimented for my writing in school. I was told by several teacher I was gifted in the area and I should do something with it. I think I'm getting close to the time where I will try to use my talents to good use. If I'm lucky. I could actually profit from the venture.

I think I'll try my hand at as many genres as possible untill I find which best suits my style.

A creative phase

I spent pretty much the whole day Sunday at home cleaning up. I got a decent ammount of progress too. I love a clean house. I hate housework though. There were so many loads of laundry done I lost track and I ran out of hangers to put them on. I'd have like to have accomplished more, but I was rather satisfied with what I had finished.

This weekend was too cold & rainy for any truck nonsense. I'll buy the parts I need on Thursday to get get it finished mechanically. I'll have to get someone to work on the non-functioning brake lights. I bought a starter for my long-defunct Crown Vic. I really like those cars. I might be open to buying another one in the future to have as a decent car. I'm really aggrivated with my Honda. I'm mostly to blame. It runs about as good as can be expected.

Work has been work. Best Buy is a lousy retail job. I like my co-workers, management is pretty inept. Almost every problem in the store stems from mismanagement. I think I might be a part of the problem. I bellyache so much about the place that it must honestly lower morale in my department. Pessimism is highly contaigeous and I'm a carrier. School is easy and pretty decent. Most all the staff has warmed up to me. I feel pretty good about being here and I go with the flow. I wish the job paid more, but you can't have everything, right?

It's now Tuesday. My house still looks pretty decent. I need to vacuum and mop, but it just does wonder to your ego when the house is straight, not playing leapfrog over piles of trash and dirty clothes. I like to walk in and see nice, clean, inviting home, not an embarassing trash heap.

long time, no post

My life has been somewhat busy. I also have not had anything good to write about. Everything is in limbo at the moment. My truck still needs parts to be done, Best Buy is still the cancer of retail, my house is still messy, amd I don't know if I can afford to attend school yet.

I think I want to go to law school after my BA. There is a science teacher here still trying to pass the bar and I told him we should get a firm together after I finish. We can call it Jones & Wilson attorneys at law. He really liked the name. I realize that crime & such will only get worse. Why not be a parasitic ambulance-chaser? You can't change the world, but you can profit from its mistakes.

Last week I had a massive jump in readers. My views are up by 33%. This is great news and we appreciate you, the faithful readers for your continued support.

I think I'm going to try to add more stories to my posts. It appears to be a very popular segment.

Anyway, movie review time. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
Being a fan of the books, I was eager to see this movie. I was sorely let down by #3. HP4 was far better. My only disappointment is the fact that it is not designed as a stand alone movie. You have to be knowledgeable of the Harry Potter series to fully enjoy and understand it. But it's not too shabby. The wooden "kid acting" is not there. The delivery and timing are great, the movie seems "alive". It is action-packed, yet it has emotion as well. I very much enjoyed it. If they go in this trend, I'd love to see them all made into movies.

I'm ready for the holidays. It would be made perfect if I didn't have to work at a part time job. Just sit at home and chill, listening to Christmas carrols and sipping chai latte's. My sister is getting grown. I'm going to encourage a not-so agrandized holiday season celebration. Warm get togethers, not some pointless pagan holiday extraviganza where the sacrifice is you cash flow for the next three months. It's really all quite silly.

Speaking of holiday spending, I must work Black Friday at BB from 6 til closing. I'm personally disgusted by all the commercialism. "Show the one's you love how much you care this holiday season. Come put your ass in hock till 2013. Merry effin X-mas.

fear is the mind-killer

For the first time, I'm starting to doubt some of the "good" choices I've made. I work right at 60 hours a week and make just enough to barely get by. I'm so sick of being broke all the time. It seems as though any treat I give myself is too expensive and causes a sacrifice somewhere else. My car is garbage. The truck I've been doting over is garbage. I'm sick of it all. Yesterday I wanted to watch tv....no cable. My computer is a borrowed one. Springs are starting to poke out of my mattress.

I realize that at some point my life seems to revolve around doing without and finding way to work more and make do with nothing.

If you can't tell, I'm frustrated. I know my plan would take a few years to come to any positive results, but I figured working my self half to death and not having much of any kind of luxuries would yeild some measure of financial comfort. But no, I struggle every month, even when I don't "splurge". I might have to give up this career path. I can't exist off what I'm being paid. I'm just sick of going through life feeling like I'm spinning my wheels in the mud.

To put it bluntly, something's going to have to give, because this s**t ain't working anymore.

a hard fought victory

After a few months of planning and only a few hours of tinkering, my truck now runs. I don't like the way the tranny shifts rough, and there are no tail lights, but it is mechanically driveable. The problem was a very simple fix, but it took alot of experimenting to repair it. Next, I'll fix all the minor issues and make it road-ready. After I'm 100% sure it's mechanically sound, I'll start the "creature comfort" part of repairing it.

I feel like crap today. I'm half sick.

more talk about me.

When I created TSOTS, wanted to use it for a dumping ground of all my thoughts, an online therapy session of sorts. It seems to be more of a dear diary thing. Not that it bad, but it does make for some interest moments.

"Hey Paul what's up?"

"Not much, how are you?"

"Not too much, man Besy Buy made me mad. I just might quit."

"Yeah, I read you blog....."

That happened, and it was a surreal moment. I'm no stranger to technology, but using the internet as a medium to project my thoughts and such and actually have a person keeping up with it was a very odd feeling. I think I'm going to do more open ended posts that invite discussion. Opinions and such.

On the homefront, I saw a car at a local dealer lot that I really want. It's a red Suzuki Sidekick. I like the 4 door version very much, and the 4-banger engine makes it cheap to drive. That would be all right. I'll check on it, but I seriously doubt I can get it.

It seems as though they want to give me hours at BB again, I could work all day if I wanted to on Sunday, but that won't happen. I'll probaly offer up myself a bit more to "catch up" and get ahead. Techinically, I work three jobs. A 60 hour work week is rough at best.

When you get to the point that yo work 6 and 7 days a week, it feels like you never stop. There is no "me" time and that, for me, is a crucial thing. You get tired, burned out, and you stop living and start exisiting. All your 'free time goes to housekeeping and bill paying.

I've been working as I do and trying to get back to school because I want the free time.

update...sortof.....

I'm writing to say there was nothing to write about. Haloween sucked and it sucked so bad that not only am I not going to write about what happened, but I may never observe the holiday again.

There was a delay in getting my afterschool pay, so it didn't come on the current check. I was told it should come to us this week.

My car is dying a slow, horrible death. I might try one last time to ge it fixed right, but then I might just try to hold on to it until I can just buck up and get a better car. My truck is as dysfunctional as ever. I'll make a serious effort on that soon.

I've gotten to a point in my current gaming group that I really like playing again. My sorcerer has gotten to a level where he has come unto his own. This has been the most challenging for me to play to date. I like RPG's. It might make me a geek, but it's having a mini vacation from reality for a few hours. In a make-belive land far away, I'm making a difference and having a Hella good time too.

I've been too broke to have done anything else recently.

A life less magical

Due to circumstances I won't write about, I didn't make it to the big Halloween observance at Chapel Hill Monday night. I think it is time for me to give up on the holiday. So, unless I have a major change of heart, there will be no more costume making, candy raids, haunted house visiting, or Halloween parties. It seemed like I was so close, and then I had the world yanked out from under me. I can't deal with the inevitable let down so I refuse to put effort into it anymore.

Sometimes I wonder how people can go year after year, trying to live up these holiday expectations and always being let down, and yet they still go into the next one, just as bright eyed and eager. It's almost masochistic.

I'm a geek. I'm 31 and I still play D&D. I like it. After you own all the books, it is actually a cheap hobby. It is the smallest group I've ever been in and the the most successful.

I just like RPG's. I feel like it's a mini-vacation from reality. I can be someone important, some who makes a difference, if for only a few hours a week. I've been a Jedi Knight, fighting the Empire, a larger-than-life half orc warrior try to come to terms with the world where he is an outcast everywhere except with his adventuring company, a smaller than life sorcerer who's not exactly where he wanted to be in life, but trying to make himself worthy despite the fact if he were any smaller or weaker he'd be crippled.

I like realistic characters, people who struggle. Klegg could crush anything that came his way, yet he was little more than a big kid and really only wanted to be accepted. Klegg never fought for riches or glory, he mainly only wanted to protect the people who cared for him.

Daxt, the jedi was pretty much unstoppable in combat too, he found himself loathing to draw his twin lightsabers, he had been a soldier in a previous life, he saw the force as a tool to help him survive and become a better killer. He learned to love peace and finally desired to heal rather than hack.

Draco, my current character, is a small human sorcerer. he's downright sickly, but he has all sorts of magical prowess

I often play them the way they fight. Klegg was the run in full force and give everything he has type. No subtlety. Daxt was very reserved using his combat skills, so he never really "put everything on the table", he always held back a little. Draco try to keep his hands out of combat. He's knows he'll die.

Personal life updates......quips galore

I decided to confront the manager of the warehouse at Best Buy about what was going on and how I felt about how I was spoken to by her assisitant. She was surprised to hear how he treated me. She found out everyone in our department had a problem with him ranging from the way he treated people to not doing his job properly. I told her that when th GM of the store came back on Monday, I was going to tell him what was going on. If this is the one person that makes an entire store culture not function the way it's supposed to, then he's the one that needs to explore other options, not me.

It started like this:

Last Friday, I discovered I was scheduled to work a Saturday that I had already made other plans. I was told to talk to the warehouse manager. She was out until Sunday. Come Sunday, she told me only the GM can approve people swapping shifts due to them not getting covered. Come to find out he was on vacation, but a person already wanted to trade with me and we were both turned down. I was told by the assistant in the warehouse "If you can't work your schedule as posted, maybe you need to make other arrangements". I almost quit, but I decided to talk to the manager of my dept, she was nice enough to explain the situation and told me they really needed me because the other person that was to work Saturday quit. So I showed up, and it was a very good experience. Everyone asked me what was up when we were changing shifts since it seemed that a few feathers had been ruffled and my name was brought up.

I explained all that has happened and finds out everyone is really upset with this unnamed assistant manager. Now, because of me, everyone is complaining about him to upper management. I guess I got the ball rolling. Or the shout that created the landslide.

I have had 3 personal incidents that were out of line, and I only deal with him once a week, if even that often. I was shocked to learn that his work ethic is a poor as his people skills, and he has people upset with him pretty much everyday he works.

Now that I think of it, every problem I've had at that store revolved around him, except the hours, and now that he's run off half the warehouse staff I could get full time if I wanted it.....I don't. Actually, it's not so bad. The work is not that hard and it is kinda fun working with all the different people joking and having a little fun. We trade quips all night and before you know it, the night is over.

My afterschool program pay going to get in late this month, but they say it will be in by Wed, so I'm good. I would have paniced if they made me wait until December.My tutoring money is the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have complied a list of parts I can put on the truck to see if it can be repaired by an emssions component replacement. I hope to be putting things like creature comforts in it instead of running parts.

Tonight is Halloween. I'm going to try to make it to Franklin St tonight and take pictures and see the sights. I've had a bad time with Haloween the past few years and I wasn't looking forward to it. October 18th was the 17th anniversary of my Grandmother's death. I never did care much for Easter or Christmas after that. She was the person that seemed to make the holidays "magical". That magical part died with her. I've tried with little success to re-kindle my love of Halloween wih little effect. I guess too many things have happened along the way.

I met up with Debbie and her family this Saturday. It was great to see those guys after all these years. We talked, but the conversation was all over the place, mostly education. BTW Nate, she was FLOORED to hear you are a teacher. She invited me to her next outing, and I'll be there if at all possible.

I've noticed I try really hard to be an optimist, but my life has been a little too harsh for that. It's like I built a wall around myself for years and shut everyone out. Then I decide to look outside too see that I wasn't missing anything but drama and greif and wonder what the fuss is all about.

I noticed a few things by hanging out with Debbie Saturday.
1. There's always plenty to talk about and do, no wonder I always liked being around her so much.
2. I'm not the same person I was all those years ago.
3. Compared to Deb and Jason, I've aged badly. I don't think I look as young as they do. She hasn't seemed to age a bit.

I get into my school stories when I tell them, and she was genuinely freaked by my "crazy eyes" stare. I've noticed most teachers have the "you have screwed up" look that they try to use to keep kids inline before any real discipline happens. Punishment takes effort, or so I've learned. So when the teacher seems to show no mercy in the punishent they doled out, it's because you made them waste their own time on you for something other than what they are paid for. I digress.

Every teacher has thier own "serious stare". It ususally compliments the style they have. All the great teachers I remember have vicious stares that are the stuff of nightmares. Some teachers have the quiet deadpan stare. Debbie did hers for me, and I admit it would have made me wither inside. She has the cold, evil stare down. Ms B (one of my HS english teachers)had the sadistic matriarch slide into medusa stare that scared the Hell out of me on my first day of school. Ms Faucette, my boss, has bright eyes and a warm smile, I think she is a cool person. But her stare looks like her enitre face frowns. I'll know what "you're fired" looks like. I'd love to get some choice ones and post them. Maybe a the book on the topic, with interviews and the psychology behind it.........hmmmmm.

I'd like to do a book on assertive discipline in schools. Even in the few years I've been doing it, I've learned quite a bit about what works, what doesn't, and what is tools and techniques are crucial to achieve optimal results. I'd love to create a book with an effective program. Maybe do public speaking tours during my Summers. that would be awesome. The Wilson Discipline Approach seminar, teaches you skills and shows you rescources to keep you school under control. Sign up today!

not much today

I haven't had too much going on this week. I've been plenty busy, but nothing new and exciting. I need either a way to shave down my living expenses, or do way better than Best Buy. I want to get on with the summer cleaning crew next year, and that would be a fine summer suplament to my pay. If I could save up my cash with the extra from the after school program, I won't have to do anything. I don't know, I kind of like the idea of tooling around the house all Summer, making repairs, doing projects, and grilling out. Sounds like fun to me.

Nathan made an comment about lottery odds. I've also heard all these disparaging comments for years. Yes, I know it's 146 million to one odds. Yes, I know I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. I enjoy it. I like playing the lottery. There is no lottery in NC, yet. We take a road trip to Virginia once a month. I buy lottery tickets and scratch-off cards. We have dinner and talk about all the wonderful stuff we'll do when we're rich. Some of it is just fantasy, but I don't plan my success or my future on the lottery. I'm in a career, I have a five year plan, and I'll be successful with or without it. I love how some people say it's an unfair tax on the poor. The successful people of the world cannot have any concept of the need for hope in a poor man's life. When you give up hope, you start dying inside. Besides, the flaw in the lightning argument is there are more lighning strikes than lottery drawings each year. If lightning only struck twice a week in one random spot in the world, the odds of would be even. Also, how many lottery winners have been struck by lighning I wonder?

The truck is in total disarray. There are things not hooked up that should be. I'm not too sure I can do too much without a good reference point. I'm getting mad enough to put a 302 V8 in it and be done with it. I'll wait until next month to see what I come up with when I actuallt have money to do it.

Time to die

I just deleted my political blog because I'm not too terribly concerned with keeping it up right now. I take intrest in politics and world events, but not enough to elaborate on it daily. RIP wilsonpolitics.blogspot.com.

Weekend wasteland

Didn't do much. I helped Robyn put together her kid's bedroom furniture. It's the cheap Sauder stuff, but I liked it, new matresses too. I'm so jealous.

Putting the furniture together is the tedious part. It takes about 8 hours of consistent effort to put two of those kits together. And if someone is staning over your shoulder asking questions is nerve-shattering. No, niether Robyn nor her mother critcized my assembly of the pressboard monstrosities, but I can only imagine that most domestic abuse cases start with a Suader furniture kit. Imagine a trailer somewhere. The patriarch of the family, a marginally educated man,trying to decipher the instructions through a haze of cigarette smoke, a beer buzz, kids screaming, tv blasting, and wife critiqueing every move.

He starts swearing at all of them because it's obvious only to him that he can't focus due to the nagging, and screaming, and the tv. He can't even hear himself think, let alone figure out the cryptic instructions that seem to be in every language but English. Now his kids are crying, his wife is now screaming at him for talking to his family like that, he is slipping into a psychotic rage even now. He goes to leave, he needs to calm down, she wants to fight. She says a few cutting remarks blocking his path out. He pushes her out of the way and makes a few choice comments in retort. She picks up the the first breakable thing she can grab and hurls it with all her might towards his head. It shatters and and rends delicate flesh., sending warm blood flowing. She pushes him from the door and threatens him. His instincts have gone from flight to fight and stands up to beat her within an inch of her life. Next he beat beats all of his kids and sends them running. This is about the time the sheriff shows up and sees a drunken rage.

He's hauled off in a police cruiser, she's in the back of an ambulance. A social worker is with the kids trying to find relatives to take them in and two detectives are taking pictures and sorting out the the clutter: a shattered porcilin unicorn, shredded cardboard, empty beercans, spilled ashtays, and a half assembled Sauder entertainment center, just out of layaway this morning. Damn you Sauder, damn you.

I made a few diagnostic test to my ranger. Compression seems to be strong. I took off some of the sensors that could be cleaned and soaked them in solvent. I'll reattach them in the next few days to see if it makes a difference. If not, I'll replace the uncleanable sensors and see what we have from there. I still feel good about the potental of the truck, it just needs tlc.

As of yesterday, I'm so sick of Best Buy, I can't stand it. I have something I want to do and I can't, I ask a week in advance to help me out, but they refuse, in a threatening manner no less. I think it's the department I'm in. I'll see about transferring to another one and perhaps I'll enjoy it more. I'll probably quit either way.

Man, I gots to hit that lottery.

Coasting on fumes

I'm broke. It's a bad feeling when you work as much as I do and have nothing to show for it. I had to miss the Guilford College open house due to an assembly for the afterschool program I do as my part-time job. We were there until after 7, it was hot and fairly boring, but there were a few highlights. The Carolina Panthers Topcat cheerleaders were there, at least for of them. I'm pretty sure very attractive women, in skin-tigh clothing, gyrating to music is a great way to get the attention of middle school boys, I'm not too sure it's all that appropriate. They were well behaved, but if there's not too much thought on misbehavior when you're in a sweltering hot gym being bored to tears.

I got my truck home on Tuesday, I've been reading up on what all might be wrong. It seems to be somewhere in the sensors malfunctioning. I'll clean the ones I can, replace the ones I can't one by-one untill we get her smoothed out. I'm actually more confident in the project now than I was before. I think it just needs a good cleaning out, the computer reset, and driven a few days so it can figure out what's going on for itself. Computerized cars can find their equillibrium but boy, all those sensors are a real pain.

I have had a surprise blast from the past, Debbie Woodruff has gotten back in touch with me. I find it funny how my life seems to be running in a big circle these days. I keep in touch with my high school freinds, Paul & Nate, more than just about anyone else. Debbie was a very dear friend in High School. Honestly, she's one of the few people I would trust in school. She was the smartest person I think I knew. I really don't think I can find one bad thing to say about Debbie. She's invited me to get together and catch up. She's married, has a beautiful daughter, and a very stable career. Out of all my friends, I knew she'd do the best. I've done horrible. I'm almost embarrased to catch up with old friends. I've made a series of poor choices that has led up to this comedey of errors I call life.

I was talking to an 8th grade teacher, she said that intellectual people never get anywhere in life because they are too atune to the details and never take caution to the wind. Interesting perspective. I agree totally, but I'd never heard it put that way before. Dumber people who are successful are successful because they have a one-track mind. Like a predator, they lunge at a goal and never mind the details and usually succeed just from sheer tenacity and concentrated effort. I know a fellow like that. he owns about 15 Domino's Pizza stores. Rich man,not terribly bright, but he told me something similiar. "The secret to success is hard work, a little luck and sticking with what you know. I don't know s--t except for pizza, so here I am. Figure out what you know well and put all your effort there. You'll make money."

That might be over-simplistic, but then again, maybe complicating things is half my problem.

What a day, Tuesday.....

I called out of work to attend an enrollment seminar at Guilford College. It was too full to attend, so I re-scheduled for Thursday evening but got all my transcripts and finacial information together, so it was not in vain.

Got the final missing part for my truck and it still won't work right. It's now time to do this myself. The person my parents insisted I take it to wanted the truck, now I think he's just trying to either make me not want it, or trying to squeeze me for money. Either way, if I were to give up on it, I'd sell it on ebay and certainly not to him.

Robyn took me to the State Fair. I sure was excited. We ate at the restraunt she works at, Ted's. It was wonderful as usual.

The State Fair ususally means a few things to me. Deep fried junk food. Pretzels, funnel cakes, fries twinkies.......I ate a fried twinkie. It tasted like congestive heart failure, which means pretty darn tasty. The next thing the fair is all about is the rides I tend not to go on, since we were broke, I opted out of the rides. The last would be the animals, tiny horses, and giant rabbits all out where you can pet them.

This year Robyn wanted to see Kenny Rogers, she liked him as child and wanted to see him before he dies. I got the seats last month, they were nosebleeder tickets. I looked out the window and I saw my house, which is an hour's drive away. Kenny was in good form, I'm not really a fan but he sounded very good and I enjoyed myself. Robyn didn't do as well. Robyn's dad died of cancer in 1994 and he was the spitting image of Kenny Rogers. I saw an aged performer who has seemingly gotten better over ther years at working a crowd. She saw her father, and although she enjoyed the show, it was very emotional for her. I can imagine. My grandmother's favorite performer was KR. There are alot of his records in her collection. When Christmas time came round, she listen to old records and his were always in the mix.

We got lost after the show and didn't get our bearings untill after the fair was closing for the night I didn't get to see any man-eating bunnies, but it was still fun.

I'll be arranging to take my truck home tonight. I'll work on it at home in my spare time. more to come......

blue......

I think the winter blues are starting to come early. Not that I'm totally depressed, I just feel a little blue, a little muted, a tad sedate.

I have a major hurdle in my goals ahead of me soon. Getting back into school and getting it financed. If I can't, I don't know what to do next. I'm not stressed either. I'm in a "I guess we'll just see" mood.

I found out today unexpectedly one of my dogs was pregnant. If they are healthy puppies, my property tax problems are solved this year. It was nasty too. I was grooming them one last time before winter, and my sister insisted we do this dog first. I picked her up and noticed she was like a tick ready to pop. She had milky tets and a loose mucus plug, that means any day now. And it means I was too grossed out to eat lunch.

Paul made me a whole DVD full of goodies, can't wait to see it. I talked to him for awhile, I was supposed to go his shop, but I was too worn out for such shenanigans after everything else.

I had to go to the holiday pep rally at Best Buy. We were talking about teamwork and poicy and all other types of nonesesnse. I cracked a few hateful jokes that the employees loved and the manager I was talking about didn't. I guess I'll be working one hour a week now. I actually had another employee come up and say "how you gonna say that? You're crazy!"
No, I'm not crazy, I don't care anymore. There is a certain liberty to be found in not caring. If you have a good work ethic, it can make you an incredible employee. it can also make you leave at the first slighted comment. I'm somewhere in the middle.

I made a joke once about I hope they raise the bar because I'm a limbo kind of guy. Sometimes I wonder.......

I'm taking all day Tuesday off to apply to Guilford College. Perhaps I might get some questions answered. The main question is: how the heck am I going to pay for it all? Then, how am I going to drive to G'borro 2 times a week? My car is a piece of doo-doo.

Doo-doo is a hilarious word to me.

Honing my craft

I do believe I'm getting better at my job. I can go for days without having any real problems. The students, even thought they change from day to day, seem to almost instinctivly know what I expect from them and make effort to not incur my wrath. I guess I have become the sadistic nightmare everyone dreads. I get a little choked up at the thought, Granny would be so proud of me.

Today has been a pleasant day outside. That mechanic should have finished my truck by now, even if he did, my money is running out for the month and I may not be able to pay him at this point until my next payday. I guess he'll just have to wait.

I was thinking about the teacher shortage. The way to solve our teacher problem is to pay them more. If teachers had a competitive salary for the type of work they did, then there would be a teacher surplus and then schools could cherry pick from the very best, not scrape the bottom of the barrel. And let me tell you, there are some dingleberries that teach.

I guess America's biggest problem is that it demands quality on the cheap. You can't always get it like that.

Changing life.

I've had quite a few very goof reiends in my life that we all met either at work or at school. Then we part ways. I find it hard sometimes to relate how we once did. Pizza people don't get "teacher problems" just as jerks that don't tip are starting to fade away from my "I hope you burn in Hell" list.

behavioral theory

I thought it would be funny to experiment with climate control in my classroom. When it was in the 80's a few weeks ago, I cut the AC way up to see if freezing the students would make them calmer. It actually had the reverse effect. They became antsy. When I cut it up to make it hot in the room, they became very lethargic. I had a similiar sitation last year when my room was not heatd properlybut during the winter they were lethatgic during uncomfortable cold.

The theory: a sort of behavior control can be achieved by manipulating ambient room temprature. But the desired effect depends on the season. In summer, the warmer they are, the less they move about. the opposite is true in winter. I seriously doubt that my findings would have much impact on the learning process, but if you make them uncomfortable when in an ISS program, thier might be a negative psycological imprinting of ISS being passively unpleasant, as well as actively punitive. I think the term is "miserable".

Speaking of uncomfortable, years ago, I dated a girl who ate macrobiotic food. The word meand "big life" sort of an all natural approach to eating. She introduced me to "miso" soup on a date. This stuff is all natural and has enzymes and bacterium that is supposed to be super-healty. She told me the soup can cleanse the body and it had to be true because I had the foulest gas of my life that night. For those who may not be so familiar with me, that is a big statement.

Thinking of problem students, everyone plays into the races. Black kids get into more trouble than white kids, or so they say. I have more black kids in ISS but I have the most problems with whites. I don't know what the deal is, and I can only speculate. I think black kids get in trouble mostly because teachers don't know how to control them. I tend to not have a problem with the black kids. The white kids mostly get in trouble because the "problematic" ones are pure evil.

How can I say that? By the crimes. I can't recall one black serial killer. I can name at least 5 whites. Plenty of crack heads and theives, but not a single chop you up alive, eat your still-beating heart, make neckaces out of your teeth, and bury the remains in under thier house honkey-crime-comitting lunatics. The only way you describe alot of white crime is evil.

The weather today is dreary, but dry. Maybe I'll get my truck today. If the lazy jackleg doesn't hurry, he'll have to wait until next month to get paid.

My foot is feeling much better even though it still hurts a bit. If we get gym time today, I'm playing soccer. i need to burn some calories

Just a quiet, rainy day filled with meloncholly

Not mine, but he children who are in ISS today. We had an incedent yesterday that was as bad as I think middle school being without someone actually dying. I had no part in it, but it still saddened me to no end. Two students were caught using hardcore illegal drugs. They are 12 & 13 year old children. Who would give give that to a child? What kind of monsters and villians do we have out there? The thought of someone making such things available to childred destroys the theory of inherent good in the world for me. Today, it feels darker and dirtier than all other days I can remember. So I'm in an incredibly rotten mood. Perfect for ISS.

I'm a big fan of talk radio. I wonder if that would torturous to them? It's silent some days, I can only hear the lights

I don't think I'm going to do anything for Halloween this year. It's my favorite time of year, but my heart (and cash) really are not up for it. Three years in a row have been crappy, one was my own doing. If I have about one more bad one, I might never do anything again. Also, I shoot myself in the foot because I never can do cheap Halloween costumes. So, the pirate costume I wanted to do this year is out of my price range.

Due to the miserable weather this week, my truck will most likely not be repaired anytime soon. Oh well. i noticed yesterday it is a long bed. I personally prefer the look of the short bed, but it will be more practical. Speaking of practical, I'd really like an extend or crew cab. I would like more leg room in my truck.

I'll have a nice, quiet day at home tonight. I think I'll get my house back together. It's not too messy, generally, but it could sure use some work. I want to get it clean & cozy in time for winter. I'll try to get a record player next month. I want to play my grandparents old records. Warm, clean house, soup & grilled cheese, and old records. That's a cure for winter blues right there.

Weekend blues

I went to work on my truck on Saturday, only to find the fellow who was supposed to be working on it all along had finally started working on it. Today, it's raining, so he most likely won't get anything done to it. So I'll have to wait for a dry day to see it running.

I went to VA on Sunday to play the lottery. I get a ticket for Mega Millions and a few scratchers. I had a $10 winner to cash in from my last trip and I bought two more $5 scratchers I had four all together. The first three were nothing, but number four was good for $15, so we pulled into the next place, and I cashed it in on three more. Two duds & one $10 one! I asked Robyn to pull in to the next stop (the last place to buy before the NC state line) she refused, saying that we had to be at her house to pick up her kids. She was right, we were cutting it close, but as we sped for home, I was left with the lingering thought.....third time's a charm. To Hell with it, if it is meant to be, it will happen when it's time to happen. Besides, I was only going to buy her a house with the winnings anyway. If third time is a charm, perhaps the actual lottery ticket will be my big winner......$65 million.

I'm realistic, I know I have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning, but it's still fun and I'm not going to let my bills lapse in hopes of "hitting it big". It's also hope. Hope can get you out of bed. Hope can make you hold on just a little longer.

A few years ago, I was eating out with Robyn, across the room, there were two older people eating. The were having a lively, friendly conversation over dinner. I hoped the were married all these years and still loved each other enough to have light hearted banter over dinner. If it were, that's what I want. Get married and love that person all the days of your life. And when you're old enough to eat half price, still have fun together. I couldn't bear to be the old folks that never speak to one another. The old couple that some time around the Nixon administration, they had said everything new, funny, or interesting there was to say to each other and stopped right there.

last week I saw two older people that looked like trailer trash. Life had not been kind. they were dirty and wearing tattered clothes, but they were holding hands, looking warmly at one another, and laughing while grocery shopping. I thought they were really lucky. Nothing has ever been as dreary as it could have been if you had some who loves you to share it with. There is a kind of hope in that.