coming in dead last....

A person I despise gave me an great quote about 7 years ago. No matter how you train him, a jackass will never win the Kentucy Derby. Today was a hee haw kinda day for me. I begining to wonder if got myself in over my head. Hell, I'm not even sure why I'm doing all this anymore. Oh yeah, money.......without more money I won't ever have anything.

ranger dairy update

Ah bitter disappointment. It appears my truck has a bad head gasket and more work must be done to get her a-runnin'. A setback, but I have most all the parts to replace if needed, but damn, I wanted to be done and driving it.

rabbit food

As part of my ongoing health/fitness issue, I've added a new step this month.... salad. *shudder*

For the entire month of October, I will eat a salad for lunch nearly everyday while at school. I don't really care for salad, but I need green, leafy vegetables. A few less fat calories during the day won't hurt either. Vegetables, raw no less, is just so unsatisfying for meals. I like grease and fat. I like meat. I like eating hot foods.

Since officially starting a gym, I've dropped 10 lbs. I've not felt this good in a awhile. I've lost upward of 30 dieting, but it was always unsatisfying and unmaintainable. I'm changing my lifestyle one bad habit at a time. I'll admit, I'd like to see some results in my waistline, but one thing at a time.

ranger diary update

I actually was able to drive my long-dormant truck. To hear it fire up for the first time was very exciting. It still needs tweeking and tuning, and it especially need some driving as we are quite sure it has old gas in the tank. There will be a can of dry gas and a tank of premium in the very near future, as well as an oil change and some oil treatment.

Paul has a theory, if you were to put at least half a car payment in your car fixing it up every month, within a year you damn near have a new car. A hudred a month in an 85 ford ranger will make it a new vehicle very quickly. If I can keep it running for a bit and looking good, it might become the V8 ranger I've wanted for a few years. We'll see.

aging

I guess age is sneaking up on me. I notice I'm getting wrinkles, the kids I'm getting at school I knew their parents when I was in school. I'm usually the "old guy" in the classes at GC. How did I let time get past me so quickly?

One year lost is a shame, but I feel like I've wasted 12 years of my life. I have nothing to show for my entire adult life.....nothing. I want the same things everybody else wants. A nice, relatively normal life. I want someone to come home to other than my over-dramatic pet cat. I want to have weekend trips, dinners out...Hell, I'd love to have a few nice dinners IN.

Damn, why didn't I try harder when I was younger?

check, please?

I'm sick of school already, college and work. I have an A and a B, but the other one has no grade yet, so I feel I'm doing well, I'm just so tired. I should probably working on my botany stuff. I have the midterm exam in a few weeks and it promises to be a tough one. I don't know if I'm prepared. I feel great about my first lab report and I actually enjoy them. The hands-on helps the awkward terms sink in.

My workouts have suffered because of school. I still exercise and I'm making progress, but my odd schedule makes keeping up a healthy diet and regular workouts hard. I was going to start eating the school salads, but they have no mayo-free dressings and I no longer have a fridge to keep any, so there I am.

The truck is so close to completion, I can barely stand it. To make the interior look as decent as the exterior, I'll need about $500 worth of work to it. I need it to be road worthy. I have alot of junk to haul off.

I don't know what's up with the gaming group, we haven;'t been able to play in close to a month, but I have enjoyed my alternate plans. I think I'd almost rather it not re-commence for now, I just don't want to be the one to do it.

On the car front, I've had to put a door, brake lines and tires on my car. I'm pretty much Doby's indentured servant right now, seeing as how I had to charge everything to the store.

I guess the thing that really has me down is that I'm just not satisfied with work, life, or myself in general. It's like I'm on a set path to an unknown journey and I'm not even sure if it's worth the effort. My journey towards self-fufillment seems to be so stressful and my be costing me more than I'm wanting to pay.

the ranger diaries update

The cabuerator needs to be rebuilt, and I need mirrors, a grille, and a pair of headlights and it should be in running shape by then. From there, I fix up the interior and put in a bedliner. If it all goes down, that pickup will be the nicest looking vehicle I've owned in about 8 years.

I've never had any problems with driving jalopies, as long as they run well. My current POS runs very well and gets decent interstate mileage, too bad the drivers-side windows don't roll up. I guess I need to take care of that before Winter. I've decided against trying to retro-fit it with A/C for right now. I've gone a long time without it and I can live without it for the time being.

how much sand?

Although I glad I'm in school, I regret waiting so long to go back. I'm not a young man anymore and I'm tired most of the time. I eat to keep calories in my body, usually on the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through.

I seem to be most successful when I don't think too much about what I'm doing. I just do what I know needs to be done.

I'm trying to find a midground during my school days, to discover there is none to be had. There are only my needs and no time for wants. I don't even know why I'm feeling so down right now, I knew this was going to be the way everything was going to happen.

I get happy when I imagine myself marching for my degree. Chances are by that time, you won't march at all. You'll go listen to a speech and go home.

I'll take what I can get.

how much sand?

Although I glad I'm in school, I regret waiting so long to go back. I'm not a young man anymore and I'm tired most of the time. I eat to keep calories in my body, usually on the road. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through.

I seem to be most successful when I don't think too much about what I'm doing. I just do what I know needs to be done.

I'm trying to find a mid ground during my school days, to discover there is none to be had. There are only my needs and no time for wants. I don't even know why I'm feeling so down right now, I knew this was going to be the way everything was going to happen.

I get happy when I imagine myself marching for my degree. Chances are by that time, you won't march at all. You'll go listen to a speech and go home.

I'll take what I can get.

I feel so many things changing in my life, some of them I'm not too sure I like.

dandelions

I like dandelions. A tough little flower, just a weed to most. I've seen one grow in a crack between pavement in a parking lot and thrive. You just have to respect that kind of resilience.

dreams......

I had a long day at the service station. I tend to daydream there. I pass the time by thinking about how nice it will be in two years, after school. I will have completed my 5 year goal....about a year later than expected, but I didn't for see everything that would happen. I think about my little home in the country, Summer vacations that are eventful(in a good way). I dream of a home and family.

It's amazing how someone else's dream can become your own. Sometimes I wonder what my dreams were. Did I ever really have any?

my brain hurts

I've officially gone to all my classes as of today. I now realize how much of a sacrifice I must make to get this degree. Two years of writing papers, spending my spare time wracking my brains out over notes and books that are about as exciting as snail porn.

First was "History of Rock and Roll". The teacher was an editor for Rolling Stones magazine, and had some integral role in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Easy survey class from what I can tell.

Second was "Intro to Criminal Justice". Harder class, a bit more writing intensive, but the teacher is an animated Jamaican woman and I can gather the class will be interesting.

Third was "General Botany". This is going to be the rough one. People left his earlier class looking like they had their asses handed to them. A vacant, yet defeated look in each ones eyes. A true roadblock professor.

I drove home tonight wondering exactly what had I done to myself and what am I going to do. The answer was simple. I've made an investment in my future at the sacrifice of the present and I'll do what must be done to pass and get my degree so that I can afford a decent quality of life.

In two years, when one more framed diploma is on my wall, and I am able to fulfill a few dreams and keep a few long due promises, I'll hope what I'm doing right now will be appreciated.

really big day

Tommorow I go to college to "check in". I basicly sign away the next two years of free time for a chance at a better future. I also have to get a tetnus shot to update my immunization records. Lucky me. They are free tomorrow at the check in. I'm not even sure how I feel.

Went to visit the ranger today. They were actually working on it and it only looks like a matter of time before they are done with the actual bodywork. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the finished product. The wheels I wanted are already on it and they had since completed the wreck damage removal. I want to see it all together.

dark days ahead

I'm starting to watch my calories. A guy my size that works out as much as I do can consume roughly 3500 - 3700 calories a day and maintain weight, so to lose pounds, I need to consume fewer calories and make healthy choices for most of my meals. For the most part, I've done pretty good this week. I did poorly last night. I'm not going to be in "awesome" shape before school starts, but if I keep the current regiment up, I'll be close to 200 lbs before Christmas.

Between here and Christmas, I have my first semester at Guilford College. I'll be going 3 nights a week and I'll still be working full time for the school, part time at the gas station. I'm exhausted just thinking about what needs to be done.

I had a dream last night. The guy who said he was going to give me a chunk of his lottery winnings came through. I went to some generic casino somewhere that gambling is obviously legal, took a third of what he gave me and made a small fortune out of it. I wasn't able to live like a king, but it was enough to do everything I wanted to do and have enough cash left over to be comfortable. I wish I could interpret that into something meaningful. I can only assume it means some risk will be involved in the days ahead.

Life can be a gamble, to get the big prizes, you must take the big risks. So many parts of my life are up in the air and where will I be when this is over?

promises, promises, promises

This past Sunday, I was quite busy. During a stint in which I had Uhaul customers in the store, both bays full of customers, and a tire repair waiting. Some guy pulls up in a krylon-white early 90's Lemans POS asking for a used tire. We don't generally carry those tires and didn't have anything for him then either. I sent him to the nearest place for used tires. End of story, or so I thought.

After a day of getting my ass handed to me, I'm in the middle of unhooking a uhaul trailer and used tire guy comes back. I assume he wants me to put a tire on his raggedey car. I was wrong. He proceeded to tell me that he went where I told him to go and bought a lottery ticket after he got his tire. The ticket was a jackpot winner: $77,777, and since he would have never gone there with out my direction, he felt he owed me some money from it.

At this point, I would have figured he wanted something, but he showed me the winning ticket. And I thought "Wow, I might have a lucky day." He gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him and he woulod meet up with me after he got the money to give me a cut.

Today is Thursday, after 3 attempts to call him, I'm going to assume he got that money and decided that it would be better to spend it all himself. Moral : Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

It wasn't a big let down, I wasn't really expecting him to give me anything. Also, my life has been so filled with letdowns, broken promises, and screw jobs that this one really had no effect.

....but it is an interesting story.

the gym.......

Finally took the big step and joined a real gym this past week. It was perhaps the best choice I've made in awhile. I hurt in all manner of ways I never thought possible. I see this as the fuel I need to get to the next level of fitness. It's amazing how much you can hurt yourself when you have the right equipment.

There are cheaper places to workout, but the hours and the atmosphere are top notch. I can't imagine a much better setup. Usually the place is near empty and when it's not, the people are nice.

service station blues

Working at a service station is not so bad, but it sure gets hot and miserable. Imagine changing oil on a car when it's about 100 outside. People yell and bitch all day, but they give Paul more Hell than me. I think people fear bald white men. We got that "I could snap and take you with me" vibe. How else can you understand someone who's idea of grooming is to run a razorblade all over their head? Me, I'm just sick of looking like a monk.

I've worked all weekend and I'm tired. I went to bed sore and in pain. The pain woke me up several times during the night, so I'm miserably tired today. I need to go shopping, but I won't go alone.

I think I'll be joining a gym this week. Maybe I'll get a little fat off to accentuate all the muscle I've been growing.

Smooooooooooth

Last Sunday night, I finally shaved my head, or should I say Robyn shaved it for me. I like the way it looks, not too sure anout how it feels yet. I've been curious for years. I'm not too sure anyone gives a damn what my head looks like. There's the initial shock value of everyone seeing it for the first time and that's fun. I got a little irritation on the back of my head and it was weird sleeping on it the first time.

I bought a headblade so I could do it my self. I realized after my next shave how much of an undertaking this new look could be. I should probably invest in an electric razor to keep my head touched up between razor shavings. Hell, I'm starting to wonder if a local barber will do a straight razor shave for "special occasions".

It goes back to my last topic of selling something to the world. There are so many products out there for people who shave their heads that it's almost silly. And I'm tired......

SPLOG

spam + blog = splog. Not an altogether new idea, I'm just bored and decided to write on it. It makes me realize that no matter what you do or have or want. Somebody wants to make money off of it. Usually they want to make money off of it in the most vile way possible.

Losing hair and feeling bad? Rogaine, Propecia, Hair Club for Men, toupees, vitamins, spray paint, hair plugs, and probably a thousand more.

Fat? You got diets, gyms pill, shakes, liposuction, and God knows what else.

Lonley? Take your pick, we got dating services, phone sex, porn....

The solution for anything that makes you feel bad about yourself is here and they make a gut punch with BS testimonials about how bad they felt before and how great they feel now. Operators are standing by to separate you from your hard earned money.

Just when I think it couldn't get much worse, I get splogs. Somebody rolls up and says "Hey! Love your blog. Very interesting. Check mine out." If do, it's a splog. They are trying to sell you something.

Even though my blog is a public forum for my personal thoughts, it feels like a personal violation when I'm here being open and honest and someone is trying to help me meet singles in my area. The sad part is it usually isn't even a person, but rather a program looking through blogs for keywords and sends spam out. Doesn't always work too well, one time I made a comment about going for a swim in water so cold it made me instantly flacid, I was splogged for viagra.

I guess it just comes with the territory. But if sploggers have ruined your blogging experience, email me for more more information on "splog-X" splog filter. Send no money now, operators are standing by.

Selling out pays well.

Saturday blah...

I've been laboring under the desire to be free on my Saturdays. Actually, I want the whole damn weekend. But having free Saturdays is a good start.

My idea is in consideration of all the things I can go do & get acomplished with the free time. I'd be just a bit closer to normal. I did everything I cared to do today, and now what? Robyn is at work and nobody really wants to do anything else. I'm too broke to go anywhere. I guess I could mow my lawn & clean up a bit. I could work on making my back porch less of a clusterfuck. I should have a great work truck to do just that very soon. I could go get a powerball lottery ticket and hope for the best.

If I win, then what? Sit around with nothing to do. I don't drink or smoke. I don't party or travel. So what then?