focus

Why write when I should be studying? Focus. When I hit my saturation point, I refocus by writing. In 12 hours it will all be over for this exam and I have to begin on the next one. I'm feeling pretty solid on most all of it. As long as he doesn't focus on what I don't know, I should do very well.

I want a diploma come July 25th. Time to earn it.

tiring pace

I've finished one of three exams and I'm taking a short break from the books for #2. This is very mentally draining. I'm disappointed with my first exam, I know I'll do much better on #2. The third is crucial that I pass. The pressure is building, but I have to make it. Everything rides on this and my ability to pull through. 4 weeks left...time to break out the keg of whoop-ass.

The Last Push

Four weeks to go. These next two will be the hardest by far. 3 exams back-to-back. One tonight, one Saturday morning, and one Tuesday night.

I'm pumped.
I'm primed.
I'm as ready as I'm going to get for #1.
I'll be ready for #2 come Saturday, but I still have work to do yet.

It all comes down to this.
Wish me luck.

Back on

I've not been fighting "the losing battle" for awhile. I made great progress with 30 pounds from mid-October to February. School and such has kept me from keeping my eye on the prize. I've gained 5 pounds since February, so now I must refocus on my goal of getting under 200 by the end of the school year.

On June 6th, my 34th birthday, I want to weigh under 200.

To do this I must:

Get back on my diet and cut back on splurges.
Exercise 3 times a week.

I bet I could lose most of it in the first month. I know what must be done, and it will happen.

I'm not waiting until Monday for a "fresh start", I'm starting NOW.

dark day

It has been my goal for the past 5 years to get my BA degree and get into a career. At first I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted more for myself. Then I fell into education. I started out by being a part-time substitute teacher to pay my way through school while I was getting my AA degree and I loved it. I wound up working full time at a middle school as an In-School Suspension Coordinator. After two years of trials and tribulations, I made it back to college. I’ve been at Guilford College for two years working on a Forensic Biology degree and I am so close to finishing that it very essence saturates every pore and overwhelms all my senses. I just have felt like everything was coming together.

Until last week…

As I was looking at job openings for my school system, my school posted an opening for a science teacher and I became elated. I couldn’t wait to talk to my principal to re-emphasize my eagerness to fill that position. She said that she had already filled the position and my heart hit the floor. Who? Our 8th grade math teacher was offering to step down to 7th grade science to fill the position so that her student teacher could have a job here. The fact that she gave a kind of laugh made me feel like more of an afterthought than before. Yes, the girl is talented, and more personable than I am, and yes, math is more in demand than science. I understand why it was done the way it was done, but my four years of loyalty and hard work meant nothing and that cuts deep and makes me question everything about myself.

I don’t think I’m a priority anywhere or in any facet of my life. I’m not saying that my life is all that horrible, because it’s not. But I have never in my life caught a good break and I get mad as Hell sometimes thinking about how much I struggle for things other people just have and have nicer and more of it than I do.

I don’t want to understand.
I don’t want to count my blessings.
I don’t want to grin and bear it.
I want to slap every kid that can’t behave in public.
I want stomp a mud hole in every parent that doesn’t give a damn about his or her children.
I want to call out everyone who blames everyone for their problems except themselves.
I want every millionaire that made their fortunes exploiting people, never giving back, and destroying quality of life stripped of their worldly possession and thrown into prison.
I want a giant tsunami to wipe all the trashy, over-priced beach resorts away that made it impossible for poor people to ever have a good vacation.
I want to cause pain with my thoughts

My blood is like fire and my wrath is white-hot.

Oh well, I feel better now. Back to studying.

*disclaimer*
These statements are simply creative expressions not to be interpreted as threats of violence towards any person. I do not condone violence towards others. Take what you can from it, examine yourself and use that energy to create something positive in your life. If you can only express yourself or vent frustration through physical violence, buy a punching bag get a great workout, and harm none.

Thank You.

not nice today

After sleeping on a pillow of tear-soaked losing lottery tickets last night, I dreadfully awoke and came to my weekend job.

I work at a service station (gas, oil changes, car inspections, tire repairs, etc.). I tend to work alone more often than not. While working here does help me continue on working towards my degree, it also makes me very anti-social. I realize that people ask questions that I can't answer to their satisfaction. In fact people do all sorts of things I can't believe. Here's a few:

1. customer "Yeah, I want _________ exactly where are you located, or tell me what you are near?"
me "Yes sir, we are located at **** South ****** St. in west Burlington. We are between ***** and ******* streets. We're across the street from ******** (a local landmark) and right beside **********, the old abandoned steak house (also a local landmark)."

customer "Yeah... I'm new to the area, I don't know where any of that is, can you be more specific?"

me "....."

That happens no fewer than 12 times a day. How can I tell you where I am if you have no idea where you are?

2. me "Sir? Yes, your inspection is done. I'm sorry but your car (a 12 year-old economy car with 295,000 miles that is literally bleeding to death in the bay, it smells of filth and is completely trashed) failed to pass due to the things listed here. This is what it will cost for me to fix them, and you'll be able to get your inspection sticker."

customer "Well, ain't never noticed this before!"

How often do grossly fat people do a "look over" inspection of their car? I can only assume he thought his $500 rolling dirty bomb was supposed to last forever.

3. Customer pulls up to "full service" gas pumps and waits.

me "Yes ma'am?"

customer "Yes, please check my fluid levels under the hood."

me (after looking it over) "Yes ma'am, you're a little low on oil, what grade do you prefer?"

customer "Oh, it's too expensive here, I'll put some it in later."

me "..."

You know, we tend to only offer service to paying customers. Sorry, but it's kind of how businesses stay open.

Moving Van rental.

Customer returns after having the van 5 hours. "This van is a piece of crap! I want a refund!"

me "..."

Customer "Well?"

me "You had it for FIVE hours and there is 100 miles on it."

Customer "So?"

me "It took 5 hours and 100 mile to realize it was junk? That's just about a full move, so no, I can't refund anything. If fact you owe me more money. If you are unhappy with the vehicle, we need to know before you leave, at the very least before 100 miles and five hours."

Customer then leaves in a huff.

And you wonder why the guy at the station is such a grump.

7 weeks and counting

My next cell bio exam will be on DNA. I'm pretty darn good at DNA, so I'm not worrying too much.

I have to really hit the books hard in A&P2, but it is all mostly review for me. My goal for the next three weeks is to hit the books hard and give myself a little wiggle room in the grades.

The stress level is very high at the moment. I really don't think I could deal with too much more. After this semester, it's all down hill.

the longest mile.......

Starting tomorrow begins the 8-week stretch to the end of Spring term. I have the last half of Cell Bio and A&P2. No doubt the hardest two classes in the curriculum. I will have to study intently nearly every day between here and May 7th to pull it off. I've come too far to balk at the obstacle now.

This experience has changed me. I try to do thing to the finish now, not just "good enough". I find myself going a little crazy when I have nothing to do. I am obsessed with doing things the right way. I know more about where and what my limits are. I thought I knew what was important and what made me happy. Now I know.

I've recently discovered my credit situation is far worse than I imagined. And it was very bad then. I intend on taking very swift action to rectify the situation.

My diet is in the tank. I can't seem to control myself outside of work, and I eat like a fool when I'm eating out. I also have not began my exercise again, but the weather is getting better all the time and I can be more active.

Things are going to be hard, but I refuse to accept anything less than success.

good times

Life is rough right now, but I'm pretty happy with the way things are going. My diet has been for crap recently, but that's all good too. Things are looking up. By this time next year, I'll be better that ever.

This the first time in my life I have no regrets for my actions. Feels pretty damn good.

bad kid

About once every year, we have at least one truly rotten kid come along at my school. I mean truly, to the core, evil. I'm not using the word lightly either. When kids like that come along, they jar your very belief system. They make me question; "Why the Hell do I do this?" I sometime seriously ponder other careers. I don't know if it's because they make me realize my authority over them is an illusion, because I truly can't "make" them do anything they are not willing to do. Maybe that bothers me a little... okay, it bothers me a lot and I need an answer to the question I keep asking myself. If all I do can't help kids that need our help that badly. Why bother? I need the answer to that more than I need the bachelors' degree I'm working on to continue this career path. Why put myself through that?

The answer is he's only one. For one kid like that, we have one hundred good ones that I can manage, that listen, that remind me how good they really are and how much hope there still is left. That one bad kid doesn't deserve that much of my thought. I'll be concerned about the kid who wants to listen, the child that wants better, and is tired of the bad kids.

The evil one, I can't help him, but there are 600 every year that need me and I need them too. He needs me too, but he'll not realize how much we have to offer until it's too late, if ever at all.

the day my ship came in....

was today....I played the lottery and hit some numbers. I won $12. I bought a cheeseburger and more lottery tickets with my new found fortune. I wondered if it would change me at all as I munched on the sweet taste of victory that tasted bacon-y....

Nah, I'm still me I won't forget my humble roots.

ha ha ha

It was kind of nice, I didn't have lunch money and I left my food at home this morning.

school daze

Classes will be a challenge for the rest of the semester. The only thing I know is that I'm not going for an advanced degree any time soon. This is really tiring. I've actually thought about changing careers so I don't have to do anymore school for awhile, but I'm here now.

on the wagon

I've started strictly counting my WW points again. The first few days are the toughest. It's like starting all over again. I guess you kind of need to take a break from it every now and then. The good news is I didn't gain any at all and I ate like a pig! So maybe when I get to my goal weight, upkeep will be easy.

resolve

I've got a lot on my plate this week. One lab report, one class presentation, and I need to start my 20-page ethics final paper. Wow.

My next issue is to get rolling on my studies. I'm almost finished, but damn, I'm tired.

I like to daydream about life in the years ahead. Just a regular old, normal life. Yep, sounds good to me.

heading down the final lap

Yep, the light is at the end of the tunnel for me. I'm nearly ready to graduate with my 4-year degree. I'm heading into the home stretch on fumes and a loud knock in my engine. ie, I'm burned out big time. I'm going to have to put that master's degree on hold until I can get my head back into the game. In 5 weeks I've got to re-take the only class I failed. A&P2 was a beast last time, and I doubt it will be any easier this time except that I know what to do to pass.

diet? wuzzat?

After several weeks of no losses on the scale, I realize I need to re-focus. Starting today, I'm going to map out my meals and days effective tomorrow and include weekly exercise. I'd like to get a really nice treadmill that folds up, but I'm not going to wait between here and there to make it happen.

Back to the battle

I took two weeks off my new "food lifestyle". Now I feel healed and I'm going back to the sensible eating. I'm also going to budget in a few days of active time to firm myself back up. By next next Fall, I want to look awesome.

The end of all things...

February can be a tough month, but not as tough as January. The Winter of discontent is now over. I must play catch up, but a tax return and tuition check will help that.

I decided not to pursue the restoration of the Caddy. It would cost far too much money and I really don't want an old Cadillac anyway. I've also been given way too many offers to keep it. I have nothing at all in it right now, so I can't lose. I've decided quit while I'm ahead.

I think I will always have something to keep me busy. I've always been that way. If I just sit around with no project, I lose my mind. I get depressed without a goal. I see now I may never retire.

battle of the bulge - shore leave

I've been sick for a week, as a result, I've been curtailing my dieting. I think that a person can only really fight one battle at a time, and since infection is life-threatening, the battle of the bulge is in a temporary cease-fire. I've been doing very well, and I think I'm ahead of schedule. Besides, I'm not really binging per se, just indulging a bit more than usual. I probaly won't gain, I'll just won't lose either.

Next Tuesday, I'll go back full blast and probably include some light exercise too.

the losing battle: official update

I actually lost 3 pounds this week. The weight watchers website told me to slow down. It's hard for me to do that. I'm a "hard-charger"type. When I put my mind on something, I do it full-on. That is how I have survived, but now I have to learn to accept gradual change.

the losing battle update: the more you know....

I've been sick this past week and I decided not to count points and try to lose weight this week. I figure if my body needs extra calories to fight diseases and germs, who am I to deny my body for the sake of vanity.... I've lost two pounds this week so far, and weigh-in is tomorrow. How did this happen?

Most weight loss rely on something called a ECA stack. That means Ephedrine, Caffeine, and Aspirin. When taken together, they actually take weight off, but it can be dangerous, even deadly if abused. I've been taking cold remedy all week, which has an ephedrine substitute and a pain reliever similar to aspirin. I also drink hot tea for my throat, that is rich with caffeine. The end result is that I get the equivalent of a diet pill or two daily, which equals weight loss.

I've decided to rebuild my home gym. I don't need much equipment as I am not going to go at it heavy for a while. I just need to get moving and tone up a bit.

school daze

I just realized how hard this last semester is actually going to be. Cell biology will not be fun, A&P2 will be hard, Business Ethics will be super easy, I should prepare to spend most of my energy on CB until I have to take A&P2.


Since I'm graduating soon, I need to think about work. I must get a new job. I wish I could find something with above-average pay, but those seem to be taken.

frustration

I just realized that I can't realistically reach my goals, even after graduation.

bad week for diets

I'm doing great, but I just had a bad week. I was hungry! I'll be surprised if I lost any at all. I think the trick to success in the long run is to give in when you feel you need to, and tighten down the rest of the time. I need to start doing some weight work, or I'll lose a good chunk of my strength.

battle of the bulge

Tomorrow will be me normal weigh in, but it's been on my mind all week. I noticed last week some pictures of people from the 60' and 70's. Just a group of folks from years gone by. Almost none of them were fat like we are now. Rail-thin is what I'm talking about. What happened? We went from a nation of relatively trim go-getters to a bunch of lethargic fatties. I'd say the food happened and recreation stopped happening. Your soda doesn't contain sugar, it contain "high fructose corn syrup" and that is a huge difference. McDonald's 3 or 4 times a week. Sit down meals at a diner 2 or more time a week happened. Bottomless sodas, chips and salsa, bread, premixed microwaveable desserts (they are good), easy mac and delivery pizza.

Next our lifestyles have shifted to one of convenience. People don't do things for themselves anymore....at all. Dishwashers for those rare times you might actually eat at home. Electric scooters for the little fatties. I can only assume it's to prepare them for using the gimp cart at Wal-mart when they get too fat to drag themselves around.

Why am I saying this? Why am I ranting if I have a 40 inch waist. Anyone who knows me know I'm borderline morbidly obese. My BMI is 35, right up there for heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and cancer. Why am I on a rant?

I looked in the mirror and said "no more". I saw a picture of myself and realized how horrible I looked. I have a belly covered in stretch marks and a rack that would make most teenage girls green with envy. I have to buy dress pant with the "emergency waist". I go to a place to eat with booths and my gut might be pushing over the table by the end of the meal, and I said no more.

It is a slow process and years in the making. I did low-carb, but it's not easy and it can cause health problems, the up side is I lost a ton of weight fast, and I gained it back fast when I decided I couldn't live without desserts and bread.

I next tried just exercising alone. I lost some weight, but I pretty much just swapped some fat for muscle. The good news is I carried my fat around a bit better, but I didn't slim down. Building muscle makes you very hungry. And when you can't do it regularly, you get flabby again.

So right now I'm doing weight watchers. I can't exercise as much as I want, so I watch what I eat, and do what I can. I eat healthy, and I curb my snacking. When I do snack, I make healthier choices.

I am within a week of hitting my 10% goal. That's the big deal of losing 10% of your total body weight. I wanted to have a goal of 60 pounds off. Just get to 200 for now and see what's up and go from there.

The downside of what I'm doing without exercise is I'm losing muscle too, and it shows. I have a goal of getting some exercise equipment in February. Exercise will help get fat off quick and hopefully, I can curb the muscle loss.

July will come around, and I'll look good in my black robe and mortar cap. When Mr. Wilson starts work in August, he'll need new clothes.

darkest before the dawn

There is an old saying "It's always darkest before the dawn". From a person who has been out in it. It's also coldest just before the dawn.

January is always bad for me. I'm always broke, no matter what I try. This year, everything broke and I had a new bill. I am now in ruins until February. Even gas to get to school will be rough.

I'm so close to finishing school, but it seems so far away. Even after it's all said and done with, I have so far to go before I'm done. So much to catch up and make right, and I'm almost completely drained. Some of those things, I might not be able to make right.

My advise to anybody at this point in my life would be not to wait to make things right and never bend to unreasonable people, in fact, don't deal with them at all if it can be avoided. They'll never be happy no matter how much you try and they'll take everything that makes you happy and destroy it.

Over the course of my life, I've had chances to better myself, to improve my life, and others ruin it for me. The greatest depression is knowing you had everything that would have made your life good, and you let fear, cowardice, and ignorance stand in the way as it slipped past. No apology, plan of action, or good intention can ever repair the damage.

And today is the grayest day of my life, because I woke up to that epiphany.

Updates...

Looks like the truck will be OK, it just needs some TLC on the carburetor. The motorcycle part will get here eventually. So all will be great soon enough.

I lost 2 pounds this week, putting me at 236. My 10% goal is 2 pounds away. Next week should be right at it. 24 pounds is about the same weight as 3 gallons on milk. I have to start exercising if I want any muscle left on my body.

Classes start next Monday and I'm preparing myself for the hard rush. I'll have all my core requirements done this semester. Summer term will be all easy classes.

I'm still being sued, but I've done some research on it and think I think I'm actually OK.

Life is good.

When it rains.....

Wow, what a week! I jokingly posted about January being the Winter of discontent, but it sure is coming true. The motorcycle is broke, truck is broke, I'm broke, and I'm being sued for an old debt. What a way to start '08!

I say bring it on. Let's work all the bad mojo of the previous year out right now before February. I'll take the bad now and coast the rest of the year.

I'm still actually pretty lucky. I have people I love and who love me enough to help me when I'm in a rough spot. Knowing so many people have your back in bad times makes the the bad times not so bad.

I really don't mind hardship, as long as it comes to an end. I think you need rough times to measure how great the good times are so that you never take them for granted. I actually feel sorry for the privileged. What's so great about having it good if you don't know how good you've got it?

quote

The world owes you nothing, and to expect anything else will only set you up for failure. - Wilson

the losing battle

I just discovered how hard the holidays are for diets. I gained two and lost three for a net of 1 lost over the past 3 weeks. I wanted to be under my 10% goal, but I'm still four pounds away. Not too bad, but being able to exercise regularly would help. Getting back on my school routine where I have no harmful snacks everywhere will be good also.

I am a creature of routine, and I thrive on a planned path. I want to be under 200 by July.

hardcore

snack over a crime scene

resolutions?

Everyone thinks about what they want to change at the end of every year. They make a list of New Year's resolutions. #1 is always lose weight for almost everyone. I'm losing weight, no need for resolve there, but I do have a few areas I need to improve upon.

Here are Mr Wilson's goals for 2008:

1. Finish my degree.
2. Get a (much) higher paying job.
3. Quit my part-time gas station job.
4. Live cleaner, lose all the clutter.
5. Two words : flat belly
6. Start paying off debt.
7. Have a "for real" bank account.
8. Buy a real mattress to sleep on.

Those are not resolutions, they are my goals for the upcoming year.

one track mind

I'm not too great of a multi-tasking person. I have limited abilities to focus on a few goals at a time. Last night, I almost cleaned my entire house and I'll be done with that very soon. I've been focusing recently on school and weight loss, both of which I'm doing quite well on. My problem is I become over-obsessed sometimes. I did weight loss before with the Atkins diet and lost 30+ pounds in a few months. I liked the results, although I didn't have the ability to sustain the loss at the time. It eventually became too cumbersome to balance my lifestyle with a carnivorous diet and it failed.

I joined Weight Watchers in early October of this year and I've lost 21 pounds to date. I know I'm doing good, but I like dramatic results. I canceled my gym membership because I don't have time to get there when I'm in school, and if I'm not using it regularly, I'm wasting my money. I almost considered using a diet pill to speed up the process, but that would just be dumb. I like my kidney function right where it is, and if I keep up my current progress, I'll be in pretty good shape this Summer and by next Summer, I'll have a "beach body".

I think our concept of instant gratification dooms us. Gotta have the new car, new house, new furniture, new body right now and worry about the bill when we are in a state of utopia. Why not prioritize and have what you need now and work on what you like along the way?

5 to go?

School is good, I'm done with another semester and it looks like all B's again. The next semester will be my most challenging yet. So I must be prepared. 1 400-level course, and the two hardest classes my major offers. When I'm done, I'll just breeze into Summer classes, graduate, and breeze into a higher paying job. July '08, here I come.

Success...now what?

I realized that I'm ok as long as I keep myself busy. With everything coming to a slow stop, as the holiday season comes around and I get a break from everything, my mood gets horrible. It's like I don't have a purpose, like something is missing. I think "normal" people fill that void with religion. Speaking of which, the other day, someone criticized my competency dealing with middle school aged kids on the basis of me being an atheist. I asked them if they believed in Santa Clause and they told me no. I then asked how are they competent to teach elementary school? Not too happy with me now, but they weren't before either, so what? One of these days, when I run out of things to accomplish, I might need therapy. I should be happy, I should be proud, but I'm not. It feels like everyone is mad at me or they want nothing to do with me. If I have nothing to keep myself busy, I feel useless. I mean, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, I'm getting an education, I work, I keep myself up, I'm losing weight because I'm fat, I know people respect me, I do a great job at my school, I get good grades. Every aspect of my life is getting better, so what's wrong with me? I even feel bad about writing this because the few people that might actually read this will just think I'm being stupid. I really don't need or want anyone's pity, I just want to feel better.

Winter break

Working at a school and going to school, Winter breaks really rock! I got a ton of down time coming up. I need it badly! A few weeks to cool the jets and recharge the batteries. I get to refocus on my goals and plan for the future.

Weight loss is looking good, school is looking good. The future is almost upon me, and I must prepare.

fighting the losing battle...and winning!

I lost 2 more pounds this week, putting me at 239, a total of 21 pounds to date. I am well on track to breaking the 200 pound barrier in May. Go me! Weight Watchers really works! I have a pile of "before" pictures on my computer and I plan on doing a before and after post in the months ahead.

Like everything else worth achieving, it take time, effort, and hard work. I'm enjoying that people are starting to notice that I'm trimming down that helps the cause. It makes those salads taste wonderful!

I like Weight Watchers because I can choose what I want to eat, but I have a structure that helps me make smart choices. So if I want a big breakfast, I eat light the rest of the day, and so on. Snacks like crackers and candy have been replaced with fruit and sugar free puddings. Sodas and my beloved sweet tea are replaced with diet soda and water.

My only real concern now is with my fitness. I must get into shape. I must exercise more.

Starting - 260
Current - 239
Goal (for now) - 200

On cleanliness

Not dirty, uncluttered, crisp, clear, and pure. These are some of the words we associate with clean. Offensive odors are also considered unclean. Apply these to a house. A cluttered house is impossible to make clean (not dirty) to any reasonable satisfaction. What to do? I have suffered from TMS for the majority of my life. I had Too Much Shit in my house and it became a maze of items that were useless due to the absolute over-abundance of semi-useful things. A thing should only have value to you if you can make use of it. On this principle, I have purged my home of so many things it is ridiculous. My floors are no longer danger zones for bare feet and I have no fear of unexpected guests. I'm still a work in progress, my bedroom and a few of my closets are horrible, but Christmas vacation is soon, and I'll be able to enjoy a 100% clean home, the type where every door is open for prying eyes. It is hard, and it is a learned, not inborn skill, but the benefits are well worth it.

tired

I know I don't exactly physically exert myself too much, but the strain of trying to accomplish what I am doing is mentally exhausting. All this classwork and school and work. I am burning out and I'm glad I'm so close to the end. I'll need some time at a much slower pace before I do this again. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it soon, but not soon enough.

I try to make the most of my situation, but right now it just seems like an endless struggle for nothing and I'm getting tired of fighting.

wild week

Fall Semester ends next week. I'm in a good spot to make all B's. I need a few week to cool off the brain before the Hellish Spring term begins. It has kicked my ass, but I'm better for it.

I've lost 19 pounds as of this week. I'll be at ~30 lost by the start of Spring Semester. If all goes well, by Summer, I'll be under 200 for the first time in 15 years. I could reasonably be 180 by next school year. Cool.

I need to rebuild my home gym. I can no longer justify spending money on a gym membership I can not use regularly. I want to rejoin at a later date, just not now.

I'm so close to finishing my five-year plan. Upon completion, I'll do a little soul searching, see where I'm at, and start the next five year plan. I already have a few ideas....

so much stuff....

I have done so much this past week.

I had Thanksgiving in Allentown PA with Robyn's relatives. We walked around neighborhoods with mansions to burn off pumpkin pie. There were houses so big, it took several minutes to walk past them. I'd never seen such houses in my life in person. Her family up North are good people.

We went to Syracuse to visit more of her relatives. I had the best steak I've ever eaten. I want another one right now!!! Her Uncle was the cook/ owner in the restaurant. I can't stomach the prices up there. But wow the hospitality! Everything seems to work together better up North.

Maybe I'm just crazy, but the everything seemed better. The food was tasty, the people didn't drive like idiots, and the landscape and homes were beautiful. Too bad the job market is harsh.

I came home to sleepy NC and it was just ugly. The people were ugly, the food tasted bland, people drove like they had a death wish, and everything looked trashy.

Despite eating like a pig all weekend, I still lost weight! I think exercise is the key for me. I get good results when I'm moving, so I'll have to set up better exercise times for myself.

I'm settling into a solid "B" in all my classes, I wanted A's, but it's still nothing to be ashamed of considering my responsibilities.

updated....

The Dig for Forensic Anthropology is tomorrow, looking forward to that....not really. I'm really starting to wear down from this schedule I've put myself on and next semester will be the hardest yet. Summer will be a breeze, and I'll be done.

I'm making great progress on my weight loss. If I can't get time to "gym up", I'll have to try to "home gym up". For the price of membership, I could re-make my home gym. Pity, I really like going to the gym and I feel bad when I can't make it. It just seems like it refuses to fit into my current schedule.

I'm actively trying to trade the Cadillac for a Jeep. I've always liked Jeeps, perhaps I'll just Craigslist it and get something I could and would use.

I've discovered that despite myself, I am at best a "B" student. This is nothing to sneeze at, but I'm still only good for a "B" average. I hope I am above average in the remainder of my endeavors. That is still quite good. In fact, I think I've never been excellent at anything, just above average.

Everything is going as planned, and I'm well on course for July '08. Eight months and counting.....

The to do list.

I have a list of things I want to do in my life. Not really goals, just things I'd like to do.

1. I want to write a book.
2. I want to build a custom motorcycle.
3. I want to build a hotrod pickup.
4. I want to become athletic again.
5. I want to do some aspect of my career so well that I become renown for it.
6. I want to travel.

steady progress

I'm down to 245 today. I've lost 15 pounds so far.
I still can't get to the gym like I should and that's a shame since I really enjoy it.
I hate to sound like a testimonial, but weight watchers really works, because it's not a diet, you eat what you should have been eating all along and lose it very gradually, so your body doesn't feel like its starving and you don't go mad with cravings.

While you don't have to deprive yourself, you do have to make choices as to what's best for your health. Do you want a pile of cheese fries or do you want to have a body you can show off at the pool? You want a flat belly or a whole box of candy? Personally, I know what I want.

I've been averaging 2.5, but my first two weeks were dramatic, as most new eating patterns are. I pretty sure I'll start averaging 1 or 2 a week before long....still good.





Starting: 260
Current: 245
Goal: 200 (maybe less, first things first)

tired

I'm just plain old running out of steam. I need a break from classes to recharge my batteries.

results not typical.....

I love the heart felt testimonials of people who went on a diet and lost a metric ton of weight. They have the horrid, miserable before pictures followed by the incredible after shots. The same is true of weight lifting supplements. I lost 45 lbs!!!*


*results not typical


Ever wonder why "results not typical" if this new way is the greatest thing since god invented the Earth? Makes me wonder too. I have a theory and it goes like this: The typical person is too lazy to commit to what is necessary to achieve exactly what they want, so they settle for less than they want.

Everything in life worth achieving demands some sacrifice.

sad week for losers

I only lost one stinkin' pound! I have to control my weekend eating much better. A night of Chili's and of fried seafood is bad for the belly. 13 pounds is still nothing too shabby, I just want more. The way I'm doing it, however, is the healthiest and most sustainable way.

I know right now that when I get to a skinny weight, I'll have stretchy belly flab, and I don't know how I feel about that. Oh well, I guess I'll wear layers.

feeling better all the time

I've been dieting for 3 weeks and so far, so good. Next weigh-in is tomorrow morning. I'm hoping my exercise offsets two nights of being bad. I should still be ok, especially if I keep it tight today.(I have)

I've given up redbulls as a morning drink. Yes, they give you wings, and then you crash like Icarus. I've started with a B-12 supplement in the morning. As of right now, wow what a difference!

BTW the Texas Cheesefries at Chili's has more fat and calories that a person my size should eat in two days! beware.

a gym? what's that?

I've not been working out regularly since I got sick last March. I've pretty much flushed all the progress I made away. Now that I'm losing weight, I'll be losing muscle too. If I want that trend to stop, I need to act yesterday. I've been naturally strong for most of my adult life, I don't want to be a skinny weakling. So, I must make it a poit to get back into a gym routine.

How to tell when things are going great.

I have time to write in my blog that nobody reads.

good times....

Life isn't too perfect at the moment, but I realized:
1. I'm gainfully employed.
2. I'm in college bettering myself.
3. I'm losing weight on a diet.
4. I'm in a very strong relationship.
5. There is a point very soon where I'll be pulling out of some of this hardship.

I'm doing great these days.

Biggest Loser update:

Last week was dismal. I only lost 2 pounds. So I knew I had to watch myself on days where I could splurge. My main issues is portion control, meaning I eat too much too fast and I wind up blowing it big time. I've worked on eating out skills this week, I did pretty good. Roby and I went to Outback and had a great dinner. I had the bread, a salad, a 9oz fillet w/mushrooms, a baked potato, and split a dessert with Robyn. How did I do it? That would have blown a whole weeks' diet! I ate 2 small pieces of the bread, I ate the whole salad, I drank diet soda, I ate half the steak and potato and about 1/3 of that awesome dessert. I also ate very light that day before. I exercised portion control and took home steak and potatoes for dinner the next night! I lost 4 pounds this week.I took some before pictured too, so I can show off my after.


Starting 260
Goal 195
Current 248

Going strong. I want to march for my degree in skinny clothes.

a hard heart

I tend not to feel too sorry for the downtrodden. There are some that have nearly-unbelievable bad luck, but most tend to be people who are more content wallowing in misery than to work for better circumstances. I know because I used to be one of them.

I've worked in kitchens, delivered pizza, ran the register at a few convenience stores, all the while miserable with my condition. What did I do? I assigned blame everywhere but where it truly belonged...with me.

I didn't go to school, I didn't eat right, I didn't do what I was supposed to when I was supposed to. Period. End of story. And there you have the seldom recognized formula for failure. It's easy to do nothing when the person who is at fault for your undoing is not you. You can't change them, you can't succeed.

Then what are we to do? It seems so hopeless, we should just give up, right? And there you are, a downtrodden "victim" of society.

But what if you realize that you have to change to change your situation? You realize that and you actually do something to change, then what? You break your back playing catch up and learn that change for the better is hard, but worth it.

Now, at nearly the end of my first 5-year plan. I graduate from college in 9 months, I'm on a diet and I've already lost 8 lbs. I can't change every one else, but I've done a lot to change myself and now I can't go back, or should I say I don't want to.

Pennsylvania

I don't get out too much, but this past weekend I went with Robyn and her parents to Allentown, PA. I honestly don't care to travel, but I had fun anyway.

We went to Robyn's cousin's wedding reception. He married a woman from Bulgaria both are going to be very successful. It was nice. We stayed in her Aunt's house with several people visiting from all over. One brought his giant iguana that was pretty much free-ranging the house. Made me want to try to grow another one, but not now anyway.

They were nice people, Allentown seemed a very nice place with lots of character. I came back and this whole place looks tired and ugly. Everywhere I saw run down everything that looks like nobody even cares a little bit. The minute I got back into NC, people were just plain old rude. Now I know why people with out-of-state tags fly past on the highway; they can't wait to get the Hell out.

I can't blame them now.

How did I do it?

After a week of fast food, no exercise, and general gluttony; I still managed to squeak out 2 pounds of weight loss. I'm amazed and disappointed at the same time. That could have easily been a 5+ pound week. Every trip to the fast food drive through, every second dip into the buffet is that much longer I have to stay in a shape that I'm ashamed of. That alone should discourage me. On the other hand, if I don't treat myself some, it's just setting myself up to fail.

That being said, I could care less what the scale says. I'm a somewhat muscled person (not muscular) and I'd not have it any other way. I'm not going to weigh the same as a person with no strength. I want the thin face and narrow waist and I want to feel good. Since I got myself fat enough cause stretch marks, I'll never look 100% the way I'd wish I could, but I knew that when I first saw them and kept stuff my face.

We work with what we have.

Start 260
Goal 200
Current 252

bad day

I managed to mess up all of my vehicles this week to the point that I am wheel-less for the moment. Does that upset me? A little. I'm frustrated, but there's nothing that can't be fixed in the ammount of time I have and nothing is too expensive, so I'm good.

Sometimes you have to look at the blessings, or the good stuff if you prefer. I'm doing great on my diet, I was the biggest loser for my team last week, my grades are all good, I've not gotten behind on anything important. Life is good, despite one bad day.

Biggest Loser - middle school edition

Well, we had our first check-in, and I lost 6 lbs. That makes me the biggest loser! Actually, being the lowest paid person here and the only fat guy working here makes me the biggest loser.

Either way, I joined weight watchers last week in hopes that it would show me the way. As of right now, I'm not disappointed. I know that to maintain a healthy weight, I must maintain a healthy lifestyle. This is the part I must learn. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, my whole life is changing around me and I'm ready to change too.

Starting - 260
Current - 254
Goal - 200

Senior 60

I have a kind of twist to the freshman 15. I'm border lining morbidly obese and something has got to give. I'm doing the senior 60. I want to lose at least 60 lbs before I graduate.

My school (where I work) is doing a "biggest loser" contest in the vein of the TV show. I joined up and I'm the only man in it. I'm also the only guy in wretched shape in the school. I tend to be a very competitive person and thought this would be the perfect motivation to do get it done.

I have decided to get organized with it. I'm going back to the gym starting today, and I've joined weight watchers. I like structure and I've realized I can't do it without it. Mainly, because I never learned how to eat healthy.

Current weight: 260 lbs.
Current goal: 200 lbs.

Timespan: ~8 months

Let the fun begin

rough night

Last night I dreamed of my death. Not of how, but of the precedings before the funeral. I looked like a creepy glob of wax and they were dressing me in a gray suit. I was watching them do it all, I guess I was a ghost of some sort. It was disturbing to say the least, but I remember thinking "there's something more after all".

I'm a reluctant athieist, meaning I'd like to believe in more, I'm receptive to the idea there is more, but I just don't. I've actually had people tell me my beliefs were "convienient". I think they are anything but. I want the tunnel of light, I want to see all my loved ones that passed away. I think Heaven should be there, and it should be like a Southern picnic. Everybody you know is there and they are all happy to see you. I'd like to think dear old Buddy is at the main gate waiting for me to come in.

I'd like a place that is a cross between everything we know about afterlife. It's what you enjoy and find beautiful and you can interact with other loved ones who have died. Maybe it would have a little reincarnation mixed in. You can remember your past lives after you pass on, but eventually you send your essence, or soul back to be reborn. Perhaps the people we strongly connect with in life were the people we had a previous connection with in another life.

Who knows really? I know that if this is my only shot, I want it full of love, comfort, and happiness. I want the people I've shared my life with to be left with positive things after I'm gone. I want them to remember the love and that I'd want them to be alright after I'm gone and move on with their lives.

All this over a dream. I don't know when it will happen, but I know and accept that I will eventually die, and everyone around me will die either before or after me. I cannot stop or control this, it is a simple fact of life. I will, however, fill the future with as much good as I can so when the time comes, I'll have no regrets.

I shouldn't listen to raving athieists before going to bed, or eat spicy sandwiches either

Solution?

Organized crime? Gang problems? Terrorism? Dwindling resources for social programs?

HA! Easy solution, what do they all have in common? Drugs.

Gangs, Gangsters, and terrorists fuel their agendas through the illegal drug trade. So? Legalize it, tax it, and go into an economical golden age.

Simple solutions are the best.

great quote

I was watching TV last night, which is rare in itself and I saw a quote used on CBS's "Cold Case". I was a few punk kids tagging "Evil Triumphs" as thier motto and they were convicted of murdering 3 kids. It turns out they didn't, and the big rock&roll satan gimmick was a reach. The kids were making a statement. "Evil triumphs when good men do nothing" was the whole quote. I thought' "Wow!".

It's so true it's scary, just look at what a generation of inaction has given us.

Everyday we lose a few more rights. we allow the Constitution to be erroded and we do nothing. As long as there is an i-Pod, a Starbucks, and 500 crystal-clear HD channels to keep us numb to world events and all the while Big Brother is listening.

A Russian commedian that was popular in the 80's, said "Things are so different here. In America, you watch TV. In Soviet Union, TV watch YOU!"

Patriot Act my rear, just wrap that one in the hammer & sickle and call it a day.

the future...whatever

I don't get much time to write with school in full blast, but we do what we can. I was looking at some vintage reels from the day talking about the future. By the year 2000, we'll have flying cars, take vacations on the moon, and have robot servants. Well, they sure missed on all that.

I think the problem with predicting the technology of the future is we use today's standards of life to base what we think tomorrow will be like. The problem being is that all the technological advances that get us closer to those goals also shape the society and creates other issues and goals.

This is a transcript of what might happen in 2000 in a 1961 newspaper.

What sort of life will you be living 39 years from now? Scientists have looked into the future and they can tell you.

It looks as if everything will be so easy that people will probably die from sheer boredom.

- Still no cure for cancer

You will be whisked around in monorail vehicles at 200 miles an hour and you will think nothing of taking a fortnight's holiday in outer space.

- Hmmm

Your house will probably have air walls, and a floating roof, adjustable to the angle of the sun.

- nada

Doors will open automatically, and clothing will be put away by remote control. The heating and cooling systems will be built into the furniture and rugs.

Automatic doors? yes. Everything else is BS

You'll have a home control room - an electronics centre, where messages will be recorded when you're away from home. This will play back when you return, and also give you up-to-the minute world news, and transcribe your latest mail.

- Answering machines & internet okay, this real

You'll have wall-to-wall global TV, an indoor swimming pool, TV-telephones and room-to-room TV. Press a button and you can change the décor of a room.

- You can have a big screen tv, and indoor pools, they made video phones and video chats are popular. Mostly stuff for the wealthy, not the average person. No push-button remodeling though...

The status symbol of the year 2000 will be the home computer help, which will help mother tend the children, cook the meals and issue reminders of appointments.

Well, they can't cook, but computers and TV's do seem to 'babysit' the kids to ill-effect.

Cooking will be in solar ovens with microwave controls. Garbage will be refrigerated, and pressed into fertiliser pellets.

- Wow, they had the good drugs in 1961

Food won't be very different from 1961, but there will be a few new dishes - instant bread, sugar made from sawdust, foodless foods (minus nutritional properties), juice powders and synthetic tea and cocoa. Energy will come in tablet form.

-Yep, food without nutritional properties are here, we call it McDonald's.

At work, Dad will operate on a 24 hour week. The office will be air-conditioned with stimulating scents and extra oxygen - to give a physical and psychological lift.

- So much for that work week. Those glade plug-ins work nicely.

Mail and newspapers will be reproduced instantly anywhere in the world by facsimile.

-Email and internet. Didin't get the need for paper out of our mind yet.

There will be machines doing the work of clerks, shorthand writers and translators. Machines will "talk" to each other.

-Internet! Still have to type manually...

It will be the age of press-button transportation. Rocket belts will increase a man's stride to 30 feet, and bus-type helicopters will travel along crowded air skyways. There will be moving plastic-covered pavements, individual hoppicopters, and 200 m.p.h. monorail trains operating in all large cities.

- Not yet...

The family car will be soundless, vibrationless and self-propelled thermostatically. The engine will be smaller than a typewriter. Cars will travel overland on an 18 inch air cushion.

- keep dreaming

Railways will have one central dispatcher, who will control a whole nation's traffic. Jet trains will be guided by electronic brains.

- I guess consolidation of services is a foreign concept.

In commercial transportation, there will be travel at 1000 m.p.h. at a penny a mile. Hypersonic passenger planes, using solid fuels, will reach any part of the world in an hour.

-HA!

By the year 2020, five per cent of the world's population will have emigrated into space. Many will have visited the moon and beyond.

-We're really falling behind schedule here.

Our children will learn from TV, recorders and teaching machines. They will get pills to make them learn faster. We shall be healthier, too. There will be no common colds, cancer, tooth decay or mental illness.

-Yeah...

Medically induced growth of amputated limbs will be possible. Rejuvenation will be in the middle stages of research, and people will live, healthily, to 85 or 100.

-Well, no regrown limbs, but people have been seen to live vitally past 100.


And this isn't science fiction. It's science fact - futuristic ideas, conceived by imaginative young men, whose crazy-sounding schemes have got the nod from the scientists.

It's the way they think the world will live in the next century - if there's any world left!


- Yeah, they were pretty delusional. I want my robot servant.

But there are thing we have now that they never imagined in 1961.

Cell phones
Mp3's
Laptop computers
Video Games
Internet

All these thing make a lot of what they were talking about obsolete. A robot servant could consolidate many things and really simplify life. But think also of the bad things that could happen.

Podcasting....

I'm intrigued by podcasting and I want to do it. I need to figure out what I need to make it happen.

teachers...

I was never a good student in school, I am 100% responsible for the mess I made of my adult life. I never did get much guidance and direction as a kid. I got a lot of love, but not much guidance. But there were a few. There were people who tried to teach me, even when I wasn't ready to hear what they had to say. And now that I work with kids and see what their effort meant, I'm truly ashamed that I won't ever get to thank all of them in person and tell them what they meant to me.

Mrs. Niparts, 1st grade - Thank you for being loving, inventive and creative. Thank you for making me feel special.

Mrs Leath 3rd grade - And currently my department head, thank you for making me feel wanted and important.

Mrs Martin 5th grade part II - Thank you for just being a great, loving person and a wonderful example of who to be as a person.

Mrs Gates 6th grade - Thank you all I can remember is feeling love.

My entire 7th grade team - Thank you for not killing me, I'm sorry.

Mrs Miles 7th grade Language Arts - Than you for trying to make me a better person and not budging on it, though I hated you at the time for it.

Mrs Baumgardner 9th & 11 grade LA - Wow, thanks for being so crazy I had to pay attention and thank you for reminding me that I like to write.

Mrs Cheney 11th grade US History - Thank you for telling me I was worth something long after I no longer believed I was.

Mr. Cook - You never taught me, but you knew my name. That made me feel important. Thank you

Mr. Pickard 11th grade Intro to Computers - You are a great man and you made me feel like a person in your room, thank you.

Mr Rice 11th & 12th grade graphic arts & Al too - This class was my refuge. I felt like family in here. I stopped thinking about killing myself after the first month. Mr. Rice called me by my French class name "Serge" it was the fist time anyone thought enough of me to give me a nickname.

Coach Staley 12th grade Geometry - thank you for treating me well, and not getting mad when I was too wasted to hold my head up in class.

Mrs Danieley 12th grade Chemistry - If not for you, I would not have graduated. Thank you so very much.

They did so much for me, and cared long after I had stopped. Now that I'm trying very hard to improve my lot in life, I can use what they gave me to be a success now that I'm ready to do it.

law

I thought of going to law school after all is said and done, but I really don't think that will happen. I don't think I'm smart enough.

One of my current Criminal Justice classes is being taught by a lawyer and it is no as much demanding from him, but just difficult to grasp all these concepts of the history of law and how fickle the interpretation of said law is. I think I get it, but I'm not too sure.

I just don't think I'm smart enough for law school.

over-enthused

You ever take a class from a teacher who thinks their subject matter is a bit more important than it actually is? Were they so enthused and think every little detail is so important that it actually turned you off of that subject?

Yeah, I hate art now. I will pass the class, but the teacher can die in a fire as far as I'm concerned.

observations

Hate is as natural an emotion as love is. If we learn to stop hating based on race, we'll hate based on some other difference.

Personally, I like to hate people on a one-on-one basis. Being a racist is just lazy and ignorant, if I hate you, it's because you earned it.

Few people believe this, but I'm actually a person who is very content with life's direction right now. Is there room for improvement? Yes. Are there things I want, but don't have? Yes. Am I where I want to be? No, but I'm getting there and that knowledge is enough. My five year plan is well on track, and though it is a struggle, I'm well on my way to a goal.

observaions

I've changed since going back to school. I'm also trying to be more considerate in public. I've noticed most folks in Walmart will not look at me or even try to be considerate. They just nudge past.

I was told once by one of my teaching mentors some children and most child-like adults see kindness as a sign of weakness. They will then disrespect, and try to take advantage of you.

Kids tend to only misbehave as far as they think they can get away with, and if you don't stop unacceptable behavior today, it becomes tomorrows' acceptable behavior.

School, well...college

I'm in my second week of classes, and so far so good. I hate Art, but I have an A, so I can deal with it. I guess if you don't develop a love for art young, you find it to be a waste of time. I asked my advisor if I could just take more CJ classes than I need to fill credits.

We got our teams for Forensic Anthopology class Monday and we were split up into groups based on the fact that only four of us have pickups. I'm one of them and people who had me in previous classes gravitated toward me. Then I became team captain.

Call me Grissom.....

I really didn't want the extra responsibility, but I guess it will look good on me in the long run. We'll see.

This past week school restarted and my first week of Fall semester began. Tomorrow, the kids return.

I've made a pledge to keep up with my studies, but already it's proven difficult. When I'm in school, I'll have a large amount of daily study time, and I will use it, but my home study time will also have to be up to snuff.

I'm shooting for straight A's my final year. I'm not expecting them, but I'm aiming.

I really don't know where gym time will play in, but if anything has to give, that would be it. I will, however, make an attempt to get a more healthy diet added to my lifestyle. During school-season, my life is more about routines and schedules. Cheap and healthy is almost impossible though.

By this time next year, if I do what need to, I'll be a graduate and in a better paying job. Notice I don't say better. If I could get payed well for what I'm doing now, I'd retire from it in 30 years. Oh well....

July '08, here I come, full speed ahead.

observations......

I'm going to try to put a single observation up as often as possible, just a new angle on my content.

Today I ate at McDonald's for lunch. I ride a motorcycle, so I go in and sit down more often than not.

I sat in a booth facing the exit for the drive-through line and this McD's has a trash bin right at curbside for folks to toss trash on their way out. There were no fewer than 5 people who stopped and tossed McD's wrappers and cups out. In my mind, there could only be two reasons for this.

1. That was some tasty-ass burgers and they finished it in seconds flat.
2. Their last meal was McD's as well.

Both are equally sad.

sad

I have known for a long time that the ability to breed does not prove the fitness of parenting by default. Actually, it is the inverse. Those who breed the most have the least business have children at all. But when I go to a function with kids involved, I see first hand who can and cannot raise children. The people who have all the uncontrolled kids running amok while my step-kids are well behaved. Everyone says "Wow, those are good kids."

Well, they are not perfect, but we stress proper behavior in public. Recently, I was at a gathering in which children were invited and I saw first hand how other kids were. Things were broken, I personally saved a toddler from falling down a flight of stairs....twice. All the while the parents were not watching the kids and getting drunk.

I've always wanted children of my own, and it most likely will never happen, but it sickens me to no end how people neglect their children and put them off on others to watch.

I guess these people believe either nothing will happen, or they just don't care. It might just be both ignorance and apathy that leads them to drink up and act a damn fool while other watch their kids in horror and disgust.

leggo my ego

Do ever wish that people though you were as great as you imagine yourself?

Just once, to receive a standing ovation in recognition of your accomplishments?

To be admired and envied?

Maybe just to feel you were heard?

Summer Scool over,grades finally in.....

After having the worst three weeks of my life, my grades are in, and luckily, I won't be repeating anything. I did VERY well on my final exam....so well, I almost managed a "B" out of a class I started terribly. A is for AWESOME, which is what I got in my Study of Gangs class. B is for "By God, I passed". C stands for "Could have been better, still passed". Still on track, one year to graduation and counting. If the coming year passes as quickly as this past one did, by the time I know it, I'll look up and see myself in a career that will actually pay me a living wage. But who am I kidding? There'll be much more to finish after this is all done. What next? Master's degree? Law School? Nothing? Who knows, but I do know for sure that I must stay focused and pace myself, to avoid the panic of overwhelming myself like I did this go 'round. The future is not some goal years from now I keep daydreaming over, but a run of classes that will start August 20th, and end December 10th.

Summer School is very expensive. So much so I dread returning next Summer to finish up the last two classes I'll need before graduation. Who knows how much it will cost me next year.

I bought the Harry Potter book Friday night. Wal-mart had a chest-high stack, so what the Hell? I'm about 75 pages away from the end. Very good distraction.

I've decided to start going back to the gym. I don't feel good about myself, and last time I tried to do anything endurance-related, I did horribly and I feel horribly. I though I had gained weight, but I haven't. I gained a good chunk of fat and lost muscle. I'm setting my goals, re-affirming myself, and pushing forward. forward.

trash filter

A filter is nothing more than a baracade. It will let cetain things pass and keep other things from passing. Some time the filter is there because you want to keep something and get rid of the rest, not unlike panning for gold. You want the filter you use there to remove the mud and water and leave possible gold pieces. The coffee filter keep the gound coffe in while hot water infused with the essence of the coffe beans go through. Some times filters are less tangible, but there none the less.

It's been almost 10 years since I last went to Disney World. On the flight home, I met a very interesting fellow who claimed his wife was a marketing director for Disney Resorts. He told me about the numbers she has brought home, and claimed the revenues were so robust on food, lodging, and merchandice, they could actually let people in for free and still net a profit in the billions. My next question was "Why don't they?", and he had the answer. "Dinsey caters to people with money." The resort doesn't want just anyone walking in causing all sorts of havoc. So they set a high price so that only people who meet their standards may enter and consume. So the gate price is a trash filter of sorts. People who cannot afford the $60 a day per person can't go. People who tend to not be able to afford the nicer things in life tend to not have the self-control to behave properly in public either.

So, Disney makes a nice chunk of superfluous cash and keeps out people that may be too trashy to enjoy themselves and not ruin it for everyone else.

You might be at this very moment saying "OK....and you're going WHERE whith this?"
This past week, Robyn and I went to see two movies. One was at a very nice theater in a more-or-less upscale mall The Southpoint Cenema and we watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The other was at the $2 theater, Spiderman 3.

Wow what a difference.

Total cost with concessions at Southpoint: Over $50.
Total cost with concessions at Graham Cinema : $10.

Graham Cinema has cheap conessions too, a drink and large popcorn is $5 with unlimited refills. Nice, very nice....
What is not nice is the absence of the trash filter. Every piece of hot ghetto mess that had $2 and would be breaking parole by staying out so late was there. I did find it amazing that pay-as-you-go cell phone can have mp3 ringtones. People were interacting with the movie like it would somehow change the plot. Some of them, I'm not sure they could even tell you what they were watching since they didn't shut up once during the movie. Some chunk of trash took thier infant (infant as in the umbilical cord was still there). It was a 9:45 pm show! It was more amusing than anything else, but it cements the fact that if you want quality, you have to pay for it. I don't blame them, they grew up knowing only what they were around, apathy, ignorance, crime, and dysfunction. I think I'll take the kids there one day to show them how NOT to act.

Just for example, there is a photo album of what I saw here

what a Summer!

Summer classes are rough, but I'm passing.If I keep up what I'm doing right now, I'll be on course for graduation next Summer. I'm burning out hard though. There are times I can't bring myself to even look at a textbook. When that happens, I look at the college banner on my wall and remember that everything is riding on what I'm doing now. That will ususally get me in the mood for studying.

I've noticed after every midterm, about half of the class drops out. That means I'm in the top half of my classes, which is a very encouraging thought. What it also means is I was meant to do more than I've ever pushed myself to do. Why? I guess despite all of my smugness, I've always thought of myself as below average. I never did think I was all that bright even though I was always told otherwise. Why? I just figured it was where I was. I went to a really crappy high school where the kids were mostly welfare cases from the start, and never really had a chance at all. Just because I was graduating when a few hundred didn't....I figured I was a dumbass in the company of retards. No matter how bad I was it wasn't as bad as what I was around.

My stepdad told me if I wanted to go to college, I'd better make all A's, there was no money for school unless I came up with it. He didn't like me too much back then and the feeling was mutual. I don't blame him, he did what he knew and the deck was stacked against us ever getting along. Fueds have been settled, and the truth has been told, but the scars remain. I reget not being closer to him, I really do respect him and I learned so much from him on the meaning of being a man. He deserved so much more than he ever got out of life. I wish him well.

Greed

I am disgusted with this country. On of my favorite sayings is "When making a deal, make sure the other guy makes some money too. If you make all the money all the time, you won't get many deals." I feel like the working class is being screwed over. I delivered pizza years ago. At first, I made $7.00 an hour, and tips. I worked about 45 hours a week ant took home almost $100 in tips every night. I made more than most of my managers. They got ill with people making more than them, so they started saying "Hey, I'll pay these guys minimum wage and hire more of them so they only ever work part-time. Then I'll be the highest paid!" And they did. Gas prices went up, cost of living went up, wages have stayed the same for almost 10 years. Yet oil companies, and thier CEO's are pulling down record profits along with the other major corporations, yet they have to out source jobs to other countries and allow the very people who purchase thier products to languish in order to make record profits. Why do we allow them to do it?

I'll tell you why.....

200 crystal-clear channels on your HD widescreen with surround sound.
Broadband internet access.
iPods.
Video games.
The Axe effect.

Add them all together, you get apathy.
No sir, not my problem. I've got mine, fend for yourself.
The dissolution of community has generated such an almost contempt for you fellow neighbor that it's pathetic. I'm not saying that easily, as I am guilty of it too. I tell the kids I teach/ punish to lead by example. Follow the rules, but change things for the better every chance given. That's damn good advise, I should follow it.

On youth.....

Some people say that youth is the golden time of your life. I remember being 17, it was ok I was awake but not aware. The whole world was opening to me yet I didn't quite understand it all. I miss the long hair and the 30 inch waist, but that's about it. Then in my 20's when I was a good bit chubbier, I delivered pizza and lived on my own. That was nice at first. I had more money than good sense, and all the time in the world to enjoy it. But like all good things, they came to an end. It was good, but not golden, I don't cherish and relish those days, but I do miss the money. I still don't make that much. My golden years are just ahead of me, I've worked very hard for them. I will be in shape, I will be healthy, I will be happy. I only have another year of bad times, the good times will come shortly there after.

Thirty-three

Speak to me in a language I can hear. Humor me before I have to go
Deep in thought I forgive everyone
As the cluttered streets greet me once again
I know I cant be late, suppers waiting on the table
Tomorrows just an excuse away
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
The earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
At the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
Steeple guide me to my heart and home
The sun is out and up and down again
I know Ill make it, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you
And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
Ive journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies Im ready to return
Ill make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrows just an excuse
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you

last week

This is the first day of the last week of school. I'll be on vacation until August. Wow, what to do with all that time. I've been so busy with college and what not that everything has kinda snuck up on me.

Alot of not-so-good things have happened recently. Some of them I can work on, some of them I can't. I have an idea for a few of them, but I doubt anyone I'm partered with would trust me enough to let me try to make anything good happen.

I'd like to make some of my own dreams happen, I'd like to build my own legacy and I'd preferr it not be on a foundation of misery.

winging it...Goldwinging it

I'm currently riding an '85 Goldwing around. Not my preferred bike, but nice and cheap on gas to the tune of 40+ mpg. I've noted that my "true biker" streak is re-emerging. I feel more at home on a bike than I do driving a car or truck. I've come to learn my preferences in what I ride though, I like my bike to be low to the ground. Not only does the improve the center of gravity for slow-speed balance, but it makes it easier to get off and on. I like some sort of winshield, it helps keep too much wind off you so that you get a nice breeze and not a windstorm....fewer bug-related mishaps is also good. The gas mileage alone is a good reason to ride $72 in gas compared to nearly $300 every month in a lot of cash saved. I might could afford to stop eating out of the trash. Now I need to find how to cut corners everywhere else.

My exercising has gone in the toilet. We must work on that.

Forensic Chemisrty is rough. I know I bombed out the first exam, but not completely. I can still make good if I prepare for the next two properly and do all the lab reports correctly. I will do it, and I'll do it better than the rest of the class. Damn it, I won't fail again. I will graduate next Summer. I will make the most of this opportunity. July '08.... 59 week countdown to a new way of life.

make-believe

I guess I'm in a mood today. Tomorrow, I play D&D with my gaming group. I used to look forward to it, but I haven't for awhile. I guess I'm tired of playing pretend about so many things. I'm trying to clean up and I just don't give a damn. My real life is so much more interesting. I'm on the adventure of my life. These days it just feels like Hell. I look to the future and hope, but there is little more to make of any of it. All this work for hope. I guess this would be a great time to have faith, but I don't. I'm wearing myself down to the nub for the hope of a better tomorrow. A whole year of this seems almost cruel. And after this, I still get to go to school for more classes for the next two or three years after that. Then will I get that small piece of a dream? Can I make it all happen? 32 shouldn't feel this tired and worn out. July 09.......still heading that way, but damn, it feels so slow now.

maybe a thought or two

I feel like "the old boxer" in movies right now. I'm so close to the end, but I don't know if I have the juice to go "one more round". I think the only thing keeping me going is sheer determination. Once that goal is accomplished, then what? I need a break from all this, but even after I get the first degree, I have more classes to attend to get a teaching license. I can't join a forensics unit at a police department, my credit is ruined and they won't hire people with bad credit. By the time I fix my credit, I'll have been in the school system for so long that I won't be able to give it up. I should have started so much younger. I dreamed for normal, I guess I got it.

Season in the Abyss

I hear Hell is lovely this time of year. I return to school for Summer sesson this week. Forensic Chemestry is reportedly the most challening class in the catalog. I must be healthy and focused. I'll admit I feel the difference in my stress level already. I'm calm, relaxed and ready for the next challenge. I'm disappointed that I have to re-take A&P2. I know that if I hadn't gotten so sick, I would have passed it. Hell, I made a "B" in the other class I was taking at the same time, so nobody can say I didn't try.

I'm also taking "A Study of Gangs" for my Criminal Justice concentration. I've been told it's an easy "A", even at a 300 level class. I guess I'll know Tuesday.

yelling across the chasm

Every week I put a new inspirational quote on the board in my classroom. This week is "To be successful, the desire for success must outweigh the fear of failure." Bill Cosby said that one. Last week was "The future belongs to those who prepare for it today" - Malcolm X. Teacher come in and say "Wow, that's a good one." Then they write it down and I see some form of it somewhere else in the school by the end of the week. I make the kids copy it so many time before I send them back to class. They usually don't get it, and if they do, they don't usually see how it applies to them.

I realized that schools really only serve a few distinct purposes. One, it give people the opportunity to dump their kids off somewhere so they can go to work. Two it takes those kids and separates them into two different groups: Those that can and will, and those who can't or won't. There is a difference in can't and won't, but not a signifigant one, not signifigant enough to make any real difference anyway.

Does it sound like I'm cynical? I'm a realist, I tend to be optimistic most of the time. I try to make the most of a situation, but I digress. The ones who can and will, can and will become a success usually. Those that can't or won't, it's like like taking a mule to the Kentucky Derby, that jackass is a waste of time and resources, but we still have to try for years to achieve the impossible.

If I could figure out what to do or say to try and get as many people to can and will, I'd do it and write a book and become famous.

resolve

After wallowing in self-pity and cake for a few days, I have refocused myself to school. I'll graduate in time to take a job teaching in August of '08, and everything will work out well. As well as they can anyway. Why I am I so sure? Because godammit, I'm determined to see it happen and I dare anything else to get in the way.

There is an 82 280zx on the lot the guy wants to sell. I sure would like that car I've had 2 Z cars, and between Robyn and myself, we've owned about 6 Datsun/Nissans and I just like them. Very dependable and rugged like a tank! Oh well, my dream car is a 73 240 zx burt orange with 5-speed and A/C. Sweeeeeeeeet. That might be my graduation present....awww who am I kidding, my money is spoken for before I even get my first check. But I have a plan....

painful setback

I flubbed one of my classes. A flub is not as bad as a flunk or a fail, but I still have to retake it. Luckily, I had planned one mess-up in my plans so it doesn't put me off track, but I can't have any more screw-ups if I want to be done in a year. The problem is, I got sick and I just couldn't catch up. I managed to pass everything else though, SO I need a few A's in there to get the old GPA up. I'm pretty confident I can get that going. I'll need to take one of my harder classes with A&P2, the dreaded Cell Biology, but I balace it all out with a very easy elective. So, One hard class, one review class, and one breeze class and I should be ok. I'll take my last two classes over next Summer and all will be good. July '08, still headin' straight for ya.

the wringer

Due to circumstances mostly beyond my control, I found myself dreadfully behind in my studies and final exam time in my wake. I lost a good 3 weeks due to being sick and when I'm sick, I just can't seem to absorb anything. I'm pretty sure I'm done with Forensics, A&P2....the jury is still out. If I get a C, I'll be happy. I just don't want to take it again and be forced to fall behind schedule. August of '08 should have me on a larger pay scale.

I'll admit money isn't everything, but when I don't have enough to ensure the basics and a little quality of life, then I'm not making enough. One of my favorite sayings is money is like air and sex. They don't really matter until you're not getting any.

I went to a wedding Saturday and got quite a few I deas of what I'd like to see in my own wedding. Let's see:

1. At a trailer beside a highway? No
2. On a hill so steep you could trip and fall to your death? No
3. Have the reception pot luck? No
4. Serve prime rib? Yes
5. Be totally trashed before the weddingeven starts? No
6. Invite people who don't want to attend and will have hard feelings? No

Ok, so I have things I don't want to see. Yeah, it was that sad.

No outlet...save one

I really don't get a chance to vent my feelings on current events except here. I really don't talk to anyone that cares, or cares to hear me rant. I'll go a few.

Imus: He kinda had it coming. You just don't run somebody down like that on what was possibly the greatest moment of their lives. Yeah, they lost the game, but they were college basketball players in a championship game. That should have been a moment of pride, not everyone can accomplish that. Imus said something really tacky, which has been his gimmick for about 30 years, so he's been dodging the bullet, but I don't agree with the fact that Jesse and Al are hypocrits enough to call for his head. I think both of them only represent themselves, not the Black community. The only reason Imus had the program is the fact that he was a moneymaker for so many years, but he was not really getting listeners and it was time for something new anyway. I found his brand of "humor" to be downright unfunny. That being said, I don't think we should squelch every offensive voice. Repression and opression do not change things, it's like putting a lid on a boiling pot, it will eventually blow and make a mess of things. We've got to try and find a better way to understand and get along.

VA Tech shootings: I'm an ISS teacher at a middle school and a full-time college student. Spending all this time around schools, which seem to be the only places crazed gunmen are targeting, is making me a little nervous. Almost like I'm dodging the bullet, no pun intended.

Makes me wonder when the saftey of others should take precedence over the rights of the individual. It's a slippery slope and I'm not too sure I can answer that question. I do know that if a person is considered a danger to himself and others, maybe s/he shouldn't be allowed the same freedoms. Maybe a person in this state of mind should be monitored more closely. Why not? Our government spies very closely on people who they believe are a terrorist threat, why not a person that could go nuts and kill people. Big Brother is already watching, if I were to type the right words in the right combination in this very blog, I could be flagged as a threat to national security and be monitored. So then why was nothing done to bring a person like the VA Tech shooter into protective custody? If he hadn't killed anyone, he's not a criminal. Since he is not a criminal, we'd be violating his rights.

The sad part is, there may be no answer as to how to keep these things from happening. Any "coursre of action" to prevent future tragedies could bear scary, unexpected outcomes. Not doing anything could do the same.

odd place for a quote

I person I don't like said a quote I liked.

"If money is all you need to solve it, then it's not a problem."

I like it. There are a few exceptons, but not too bad. In my ISS room, I like to put up a new quote every week. I do it every week because I don't have the same visitors every day. If I did, I might could do a daily quote.

In high school, 9th & 11th grade, I had a teacher that was quite possibly insane, but so inspiring. She put up daily quotes and we had to write on the main idea of those quotes and how they made us feel. Those classes with her were not challenging, but they were inspiring.

As an adult who, as a child, threw away so many of my own opportunities, I see the efforts made by the teachers who really tried and believed they could make a difference and I am grateful.

Sometimes I forget the reward for being a teacher is not always tangible and I can't always see it in the kids I've worked with, but it's there. I have helped chage lives and it feels good.

If it's free....TAKE IT!!!!

You never know what you'll find for free. People get rid of things all the time that are good, but they want something new or they run out of space. Sometimes, something is just wrong with it that they can't fix and it makes more sense to replace it. This is where people like me come in. So far in my life, I have gotten so much free stuff, it's crazy. Some of it wasn't worth keeping and got tossed, other things were only in need of minor repair. Some things were perfectly good and just needed a new home.

The scavenger lifestyle can be lucrative as well, just so long as you do not become a packrat in the process. You need several things to be a truely successful scavenger:
1. A vehicle to haul stuff around, like a pickup and/or a trailer.
2. An extensive set of tools.
3. A decent place to store and work on your "finds".
4. Mechanical aptitude.
5. A place where you can dump things off if they turn out to be worthless.

I have taken so much free stuff, I can't even begin to catalog it all. A few notable finds do stick out.

1. A 125 gallon aquarium with stand.
2. A metric asston of office chairs (great for the D&D game night).
3. Two working dishwashers.
4. A 1985 Ford Ranger.
5. A 1976 Caddilac Eldorado Convertibe with 54000 original miles!
6. A queen-sized sleeper sofa. I miss this one now.
7. A damn good oil-filled electric radiator-type space heater.
8. My coveted, one-of-a-kind, Icee Light.
9. Four computers.
10. Two TV's

An enterprising person that doesn't get too attached to these things can turn a profit or atleast break even on such a hobby. For example, people give away junk cars just to get rid of them. I know a guy who'll BUY those cars and haul them off for scrap. I make a profit off of selling car that was given to me, and he makes money for selling it to the scrap metal dealer. It works out nice really nice.

If you have a place to store free crap you don't want yourself. Hold it for an annual yard sale. Fun stuff. The scavenger's motto: One man's trash is another's treasure.

The Apex of Technology

I noticed awhile back that nothing new has really been invented in awhile, we're just improving on what we already have and combining gadgets. I like multi-purpose gadgets. I appreciate the fact that they realize I don't want to carry around a backpack full of crap everywhere I go, so put it all in one hand-held device.

I own a Razr V3r. It's a cell phone, digital camera, MP3 player, and has pretty good video games to kill time. If you were to add a GPS, and a decent web browser...wow.

During the time I worked at Best Buy, all the "nifty stuff" was a combination of gadgets and widgets in one sleek package. A car stereo with DVD player and a retractable screen. A fridge with a 13" LCD TV built right in the door. Excessive? Maybe. Not for the people with TV's in the kitchen anyway. Even computers are becoming multi function. Computer now have DVD, DVR, multi-purpose, multi-media entertainment centers complete with HD widescreen monitors and crystal-clear, dolby surround with optional high power theater-quality speakers. Sunglasses with wireless bluetooth technology, so you are hands-free and care-free.

The only wonder is you wonder why your ass is broke, trying to pay for and keep up all this crap. It ain't cheap.

My question is, since we know what we can get and use, what can any of us do without?

that was fast!

I had a whole week from work and now it's gone. I accomplished so little, but I guess that is why it is a break. You're not supposed to do Jack. The main reason why precious little was acomplished was because it was cold and I was/am broke. Being sick took more than my energy, it took my cash too. So the Caddy project will be delayed, and anything else I wanted to do for that matter.

I did get a few things done. I brought a dishwasher someone gave me home and tested it. I'll be writing about that soon, and I got a little yard work done too, but nothing major. I guess I'm not motivated to make the place look nice because it is packed with other people's trash that they won't take back and I really can't throw away either. I have a junk car in the back yard that will NEVER run again, but can't be removed for some odd reason. Why do anything if the centerpiece of the yard is a rotting 30 year old car? Nothing I do will make that damn car look better or go away. I have actually reached the point in my life where I want more and better for myself, I guess I just can't get it here.

shorter tunnel

Great news, I'll be able to take my Summer class, which will allow me to take the necessary classes to graduate before fall '08. July '08 beats the Hell out of May '09. Hot damn, this just might work out after all. Now back to the stress.

School Blues

This past semester was way too much. I damn-near burned out, but so far it looks like I'll make it out in one piece and on track. It's too bad about possible missing out on Forensic Chem this Summer. Missing registration while I was sick will kill my graduation date, which disappoints me. It puts all of my plans back by a year. A person not in my place would say "What's one more year?". It's 365 days of still broke, still struggling, still nobody. What's one more year in prison? One more year in Hell? One more year incomplete, empty, and unaccomplished?

Ten years in the making and when the light at the end on the tunnel is a year away, two years is unbearable. But what can I do? I can't give up, can't quit....so here I sit and wait out until....May '09.

Robyn & the Gym

Robyn has decided to join the gym with me. I think this could be an awesome new direction in our relationship. I really don't feel like enough of an expert to tell her what to do to get started. My only advise is to start with a basic exercise routine for the first few months untill her conditioning is improved and she learns technique, then ramp it up.

I figure that if we were to exercise when we hang out, instead of eating and watching TV, It'll do wonders for our health.

I suppose we shall see.

I lost close to 10 pounds when I was sick, I'd like to keep that off and lose more weight. I want to get to 200 pounds and see what's what from there.

geez...the setbacks

I wound up with an out of control strep infection that put me out of commission for a few solid days. Too bad they were class registration days. I may have missed out on a required Summer class that is required to take another class. If not, it will be next Summer before I can take the class and finish up my requirements. May '09, anyone? :-(

Robyn says she's fine with it and we'll manage, but I feel like I'm walking the longest mile of my life and it has no end in sight.

Strep-face

I am on my sick bed, damn-near my death bed. It seems as though I had strep throat last week and all of the germs never went away, so they went into my lymph nodes and then spread into my sinuses and face. I'm now a swollen monstrosity. My face looks like something from some third-world country medical abnormality book. I had a 103 degree fever, and even my Dr. thought it was bad. He almost hospitalized me. Through it all, Robyn made sure I was OK. Thanks, Hun.

a cure? for me?

Due to unusual circumstances, which tend to define my life, I found myelf visiting a chiropractor. I've been out of whack all of my adult life. After looking at me, measuring me and doing general check-up stuff, she seems to think she can re-align me.

All my life, I feel like people have not seem me, but rather my awkward posture, my crooked neck. They would call me "crooked" behind my back. I always pretended that it never bothered me, but it did. It was like I was not even anything beyond one physical abnormality, almost like the way cruel people pick on the handicapped.

To some extent, this problem has always made me self-conscious. I felt that because I was so abnormal, people would judge me based on that. I'm pretty sure I was right, but it also help me become the bitter, hateful person I am today. But now I am told it can be fixed.....and I don't know what to think. In the next year, everything that made me feel bad about myself id going to be fixed. What then?

infectious waste of time

I've been really sick this past week. So sick I went to the doctor...again. He believes it's a viral infection that has laid me low this time. I don't recall feeling this bad in a very long time. It doesn't help that one of the symptoms is a sore throat, which is by far one of the most irritating things in my life. It has really taken the wind out of me. I missed a week of school and two days of work. Even as of today, I have no energy to speak of and I haven't been able to work out at all.

On the workout front, Robyn has noted interest in going to the gym with me. This could be a good thing, a real change in how we spend time together. Instead of going out to eat somewhere unhealthy, we could go exercise and get a light meal. Neither of us are happy with our current shape, and if we were as committed to working out as we are to spending time together, we'll be in shape in no time flat.