ten friggin' hours

Next week at BB, I'm scheduled for 10 hours. Two days. I'm starting to get ill with it. I get this Sunday and next Saturday's closing shift. Pathetic. I think I'm about to be approved to do the tutoring program at my school. It pays double my BB jobIf I can get 3 days of it a week. I'll be doing great, but I'll settle for two. I'll also be working toward the "one job" goal of mine.

I'm thinking of having a "Soapbox of the Soul" reader appreciation cookout next weekend. I just want an excuse to get the friends together.

The truck project is at a stand still until I get the remaining parts. I found someone who is willing to help out if they have compatible parts.

I had a kid ask me today if I ever get bored in here. No, actually I don't. This is a dream job for me. Internet access, cheap lunch, free coffee, and I'm often drunk with power. My friend Jim, told me he fears I may have a sadistic side since I like my job so much. I want all my kids to be happy and successful, but the need to know punishment if reward is to taste sweet. You have to have some bad if you are to truly appreciate the good. But I digress. No, I don't get bored in here. I have a simple job with loads of responsibility, but I love being here and doing this. This is what gives me purpose. If I ever get bored, I type in my blog. I don't ever shirk my duties though.

Some asked me if I would contribute to the Katrina Disaster Relief Fund. I didn't. There have been so many tragedies and disasters in my life that I had to just do without that it has made me kind of hard-hearted. Don't wish it off on them, but I've stuggled and had to find a way to survive in the face of adversity. I think there are too many handouts. Charity makes people soft and weak. It makes them complacent, which is probably what the true purpose of social programs are in the first place.....control. I think I feel a political blog entry coming on.

Feeling BAD

Yesterday, I'd promised myself I would clean the house and do my laundry. I got home and felt so bad I slept until 9:30. I never ate dinner either. I got sleepy again around 1:45 am and even then, I had a hard time sleeping. Ironicly, I woke up refreshed. Go figure.

Last night I had a racoon on my back porch eating my dog's food. I wanted to take a picture but he scooted before I could take the shot. He's visited before, so I imagine I'll see him again. I plan to kill it next time.

I have not wieghed myself recently, but I think I'm still losing wieght. My pants fit way better these days, bordering on too loose. I need a belt these days. I'll regroup on the diet and exercise this week. My past few weeks have been chaotic.

I'm very close to getting my truck ready to drive. I only need a few more parts. I plan on making it as nice as I can reasonably afford.

My ideal plans are:

1. Completely new interior. Not as expensive as it sounds....
2. Spray-in bediner. I'm almost scared to price them....
3. New paint. I'd like to go with red. It's currently very dull black.
4. The wheels off my wrecked ranger. Cragar SS with bladed centercaps. Corny, but actually ideal for this type of truck.
5. High-end ties, like the goodyear white lettered
6. Nice stereo. My BB discount will make that a reality.

Since I plan on keeping this truck and taking good care of it, I don't see these as "excessive". I think In the long run I'll be very happy with the choices I make to fix up the truck.

College seems like such a distant thing. I keep telling myself to be prepared for January. If I can't get approved for full time, I'll at least take one or two classes.

I'm very happy to see some of my best (worst) customers from last year have calmed down quite a bit and seem ready to grow up. I'm very proud of all of them.

A ray of hope.

Robyn was kind enough to let me buy her computer off of her. I our deal, I take the computer now, and buy her an identical one in a month or so on layaway. Sadly, although far more stable, it is not faster than "frakenstien". I called it frankenstien because it was green, ugly, and made from other dead computers. Over the months ahead, I will go about testing everything on it and seeing what may be saved. There may be a "spawn of frankenstien" coming to life one day.

I spent the better part of my labor day weekend hunting parts for my Ranger. I think I almost have them all.

I guess that maybe I'm just not into doing customer service. That's why I don't especially care for BB. It's not hard at all, I just don't get many hours. It's like it's not really worth my while. There are so many things I love about being an ISS coordinator. My own quiet space, easy job, professional atmosphere, internet access, and the cheap thrill of authority. They put chess on the computers. It is a HARD program. I can't beat it.

The dead computer has put me in a bind. There are several things I wanted to do with my money other than buy a computer. I like it, and I need a computer right now anyway, but I got a truck that needs to be on the road, a car that needs more parts before it's right, a dorm fridge for my class room, and I'd like a motorcycle, not show off but for cheaper gas.


I'm going to write a piece later this month about misplaced angst toward our consumer driven society. Now that I have a computer with a media reader, I can add more pics to the sight. I like it. I'll be experimenting with some planned out pieces on this blog, not just the freehand ramble everyone (all three of my readers) have come to enjoy. It'll probably come out about the same, I'll just have a more focused topic.

.....

2003-2005
R.I.P.

I'm a little upset right now.....I'll be on it later.

Some people pole vault.......

I'm a limbo guy myself.

I don't care for my BB job that much. The work is easy, and most of the people a very pleasant to work with, but the hours are too few. I work 12 this week and 16 the next. Before that I was working 28 - 35, which is a bit much. I wanted 20 - 25, that would give me plenty of cash to piss away at BB with my discount AND keep all my bills in check comfortably. Some manager came into the warehouse and said some nonsense about "time to raise the bar" I said " cool! I'm a limbo kinda guy.". There was an open box TV that was sold that had to be bubble wrapped. The bubble wrap spool is about the size of two refrigerators and weighs nearly 4 lbs. I pulled the spool of it off the second shelf, which is about 8' high. The girl who was barking orders all night freaked when she saw me doing it. I acted like it crushed me. She really freaked then. I got up and laughed, and so did most everyone watching.......except her. Me and another guy started tossing it back and forth in a manner that made us look like two monsters training to take on Godzilla at the next pay-per-view. We left very late, not because I was assing off, but because there was no clear idea of what we needed to be doing until near closing. We were scheduled to leave at 10:30, at 11:45 I clocked out. Poor management on their part will not result in an emergency on mine. Many were still there when I left. I might be accused of not being a team player, but that's just because I don't play for the team they think I should be on.

Even in all that fun, the girl said she would talk to the manager about getting me more hours. If it happens, I'll stay. If my hours stay low, I'll get what I need on discount, and bail out.

Paul sounds like he's got himself a girlfriend, and pretty happy with the whole thing. Just a word of advise, don't over analyze it, you'll kill the magic.

Nathan seems to be quite happy in Chicago. So much so that I might make it a point to visit over the summer, money permitting.

I'm starting to get ISS kids now. So I'm happy. When the teacher's nerves are frazzled, and they are tossing kids out, I'm in the zone. I get mad kids who can't tell right from wrong, spoiled rotten thug-brats who have been raised by their grandmothers. Skater punks that don't give a damn at all, and they come to me. They're mad, huffing and stomping and I give them hell, make them do work, and then I lecture them after they calm down. I tell them what is expected of them, and send them back to class. If they don't calm down, I keep them all day.

I doubt it will help many of them at all, we are even fast-tracking one to alternative education already. I try to change them all, but I don't get my hopes up. I think we got to a few last year, they are behaving much better, and seem happier for it. I think everyone wants to be accepted and well adjusted. When a misguided kid straightens up and sees how much easier it makes their life, they don't want to go back to their deviant ways. If I have to work with the type of kids that want to turn it into "us vs. them", I make sure my side wins......Damn, I love my day job.

the quiet before the storm......

So far, the kids are tame. No real problems have hit my door. I hope they buck up just a little bit so the administration doesn't feel I'm needed.

Who am I kidding? I'll get kids real soon, they just have to get bored enough to cause problems. and problems will happen.

I got my stuff together to fix my truck and lost the keys, and my mind. Found the keys, but they were not where I left them.
My hours picked up at BB, but the check will still be less than I hoped to be receiving. I should probably think about doing a roommate. Nah, I'm not ready for that, but boy, it sure would help to split my bills in half. Hell; I could buy a car!

This gas crisis is getting me primed to write in my political blog. I'm getting really sick of it all. I won't elaborate because I need to post to the other blog and I don't want to type it twice.

I feel pretty good, I have just entered a transitional period, so I'm not sure how things will work out here shortly.

Back to the old grind.......

After a few days of floating around and helping where I could, a few kids are finally starting to "test" their limits and coming to in-school suspension. This means I'm in my own room, doing my own stuff and not trying to maintain someone else's stuff. I don't mind helping, but it's good being back in MY room.

I finished my application papers to Guilford College, I'll be setting that up in a few days. I like the program they offer, and I've heard nothing but great things.

I'll be taking my new ranger to be repaired today after school. I'm planning on just doing a few things to it at a time. It might just become a nice little truck. I need a pickup anyway, but if I can make it better, why not?

My lawnmower died in mid-mow yesterday. It made me very sad. I might try to take it apart and learn how to fix it, if possible. If not, I need to buy a new mower.

I'm still appalling this Suzuki Sidekick on a used car lot not too far from my house. When I join the credit union (as early as Thursday) I might just look into getting it. I'd love to have a decent car to tool around in.

I'm disappointed with my fitness level. I ballooned up over the summer and I've dropped a good chunk of it since, but I'm still not too happy with where I'm at physically. I MUST make a personal commitment to improving my health. I'll wind up being one of those guys that was hard-working and such and keels over dead at 45. I never thought I'd live past 30. I made a mistake on that one. I think I need to plan for the future. I want a narrow waistline again. I have a spare tire and a double chin. That just too many spare parts. I'm going to start slow, I've dieted, but I think a little muscle mass will go a long way for me.

We'll see how it goes.

more busy than before

But I have a few moments to spare.

Life is interesting. After BB had its grand opening, the job actually got easier. We warehouse people were relegated to the warehouse, only to make occasional sweeps of the store to clean or help someone move something very heavy. Otherwise, we sit in the back, look out for the manager, and talk $#!7 all night. I Kinda thought we were going to get into trouble goofing off so much, but alas, it seems as though we are doing great. Go figure. The girl that I got mad with last Sunday was fired. Life is good.

The first two days of school were interesting. We have an 8th grade retention room. That being the room where all the kids who failed this past year are isolated from the rest of the school. Due to scheduling issues, there was a 3 hour gap in that room with no faculty there. I was all over that three hours and it was no fun. I know all the kids.....very well. It seems as though the summer months did nothing to mature them or give them the resolve to make it through. I know a few of them will be with me before long. The saddest part is that due to the new credit system in high school, they can do it much like college, (x) many credits in (x) different subjects will get you a diploma. It is possible to get a diploma in 3 years. If these kids do well up until the second semester, they get their walking papers to high school and have the option to buckle down and graduate in 2010.

The bad part is, no matter how much we coax of coddle or attempt to inspire these kids, either they want it or they don't, and they won't know what they've screwed up until it's too late to fix it. The truth is we need all types. We need doctors and janitors, lawyers and burger flippers. Some people are not meant to be successful. That being said, we never give up on any of them. When they are ready to achieve(if ever), we do everything to give them the tools to do it and encourage them all the way.

I'm going to start getting regular checks again, my summer of discontent is at an end. I'm actually toying with the idea of getting a decent used car. I'll be joining the state employee's credit union soon. They will give you a loan if you can prove you can pay it. I might just have to get me a good car. If I get the financial aid for school, it'll be a definite. I'm looking an older Suzuki, like a four door sidekick. The four bangers had great mileage and were well put together. That would be my first choice.

I will admit sometimes I have doubts about teaching the rest of my life. I could do it, but to babysit low achievers like I was doing last week would depress me. I often wonder what would be a better way of getting these kids on track, but then, I think of the fact that not all of them were meant to achieve anything, I just don't want the knuckleheads screwing the opportunities up for the rest of the students.

busy

"The problem with having alot going on to post in your blog," to quote Paul,"is that you don't have time to write about it all." This has been a very hectic week. But I will most likely be posting more on the recent happenings very soon, by Sunday I hope.

more fun than a punch in the neither-region

Sometimes this job is ok. Today it was crap. I have yet to learn all the particulars of the job, so today, when the two people who shared my responsibilities setting the store up for Sunday sales were out today, I was screwed. I managed to make an enemy on the warehouse team and it seemed like all my price tags were wrong and it made me look bad. Add to that fact I needed help and got a new employee that knew less than me and you have an idea of how bad the day went.

I now have an urge to up my lottery ticket purchasing.

There are some decent guys there, but most are the worthless teenager-thug types. I relate to the people in the sales dept. much better. I now know what will happen soon. I won't be getting 30+ hours a week. We're just over-staffed until everyone gets the hang of their jobs. Instead of 20 people, their will be 5 or 6 and we'll all take turns. If I go under 20 hours consistently, I'll need to get another job. But we'll see...

In day job news, my room is almost finished. I don't have any great pics yet but I have a few to show what I've been doing. School starts again this week, I'm really excited to be back. I was placed in a mobile unit this year(trailer). Outside is good. It adds to the feel of isolation for behavioral problems.






These are my "cubbies" 4'x5' walls on either side. There are 10 isolation booths in all.

The theory behind it all is that middle school students are such social creatures, nothing is worse to them than no contact from their peers. Punishment is not so bad if you are in trouble with a friend. They will all be separated now. This is the "all day" part of the room.




This is the "chill out" side. Students will come here for one class period. They can be made to stay longer if they don't behave here. I figure by the first few weeks, if the new disciple plan is kept, the kids will get the point and my attendance will drop.

Isolation and consistency are the keys to success. Strong teachers + consistent discipline = better students. I'll have to work hard to keep my end up.


I'll be filling out college forms very soon. I must get ready for the return in January. No excuses, no procrastination. I'll be getting paid for BOTH jobs very soon. One this Friday, the next on Wednesday. The first time I've had any real money coming in since June. I'll get my ducks in a row, and join the credit union. Then I might be able to buy a car. I'm feeling really good about the future. It's all still up in the air, but it has vast potential. And a clear route to follow. I know that the days ahead with be very stressful and put me to the ends of my wits. The reward for persisting will be well worth it. So here's to my sanity, I will miss it most of all.

Can't pray for rain and gripe about the mud......

I got next week's schedule for BB. I was hoping for 20-25 hours a weeks, I got 32. If that remains a constant, between school and best buy, I'll be hitting 72 hours a week......damn. I'll try to keep it up through January until I get back to school to get caught up.

I was working at school today, a talked to one of the better teachers we have at GMS. She told me she had to end her employment because she couldn't get her work permit renewed. She hard working, a pleasure to be around, and her tough-love-no-nonsense approach to dealing with her kids gets great results. The immigration dept screwed up her paperwork and let her permit lapse. She can stay, but she can't work for the school until her paperwork is cleared, and that will be a month. It makes me sick when people who come here legally get a hard time and there is nothing done to the illegal immigrants. What the hell is wrong with these people? If I were as inaccurate at my job, I'd lose it. I hope she gets sped along the process and gets back into a classroom where she can do good things.

My dad went in for a 3 vertibrae spinal fusion today, he'll be on his back for a few weeks. I imagine he's in alot of pain and I can't help but feel really bad for him. When I say "dad" he's actually my stepdad and we didn't get along too good when I was growing up, so we never did "bond". Can't say I blame him, I was a little bastard and my grandparents didn't help either. I could turn everyone against each other alot of times. But I was a kid, I was getting by the only way I knew how.

When I was a child, I had a grudging respect for him. He was the strongest man I knew, he could do anything, and he made all kinds of sacrifices for the family. I remember him doing without so I could have goos school clothes. I remember hime working two jobs, laying out in the driveway working on a broken down car all night in whatever kind of weather: rain, snow, blistering heat, or freezing cold and go straight to bed and get up at 5:30 am to do it again. I think I tried to have him as a role model. I saw him as what a man should be: strong, tough, smart, talented, hard-working, and surly. I notice I have done alot of thing he did for us in recent years. When I did, no matter how much it sucked to do it, I felt really good. I felt like a real man. I've seen his health decline in recent years and with his back problems now, it's sad. I'm now way stronger than my dad. He comes to me for help with his cars and computers. I build or fix things all the time. Kristin (sister), Lena, and Cora (Robyn's kids) look up to me probably the way I looked up to him my entire life. Sometime I feel bad that we were never closer. I remember the first back surgery he had, he walked outside with me and told me that he was scared and if he died, I was to take care of mom and Kristin, then he cried and walked off. That was the third time I ever saw him cry. The first was when he got into a very bad argument with mom and they both cried while they were apologizing. The second was his dog died. My mom has accused me of having no feelings, I wonder if I got that from him also.

Some thirty miles away, my dad lies in a hospital bed, in pain. I'm sitting here still thinking about it all, and what he has meant to me my whole life.

feeling good.....

I have to be at BB shortly so I doubt this will be very long. I've been working my ass off at School and Best Buy. I think I enjoy stocking. My back and neck were starting to give me lingering problems. I knew I needed to keep up the pace and today, after working through nagging pains, I feel pretty damn good. This is encouraging me to actually do my workout room. I've just been so busy the past few weeks and it doesn't look like it's letting up.

I talked to the recruiters at Guilford College Monday, I've sent off for my financial information since I lost the originals in the fire. I'll be talking to someone real soon about going back full time. I will make it happen.

I have a lot of dreams for myself. Where I want to be in 5 years, how I want to live, ect. Dreams are great, they give you hope. Hope is a very powerful thing. You can lay on you back and dream all day. To make my dreams come true, I'll need a lot of sweat, tears, and sacrifice to get there.

I don't do many thing just for me. This is my thing and I don't think it too much to want.

Hidden talent

I've been making my own partitions for my ISS room this next school year. It has come to my attention that I had nay-sayers doubting I could do it all along. One fellow said he thought it looked way better than he imagined and it would look like a professional had built them if I had molding to go around it. I only received 10 plywood sheets, 12 2x4's, and 3 lbs of 8-penny (2 1/2") nails. I think I'm damn resourceful given my constraints.

It makes me sad to realize that I have alot of talents that are extremely handy, but not really marketable. I need to work on that.

A short list of things I have done for free that most people pay others to do.

1. Re-shingle a roof
2. Build cubicle partitions
3. Built a computer
4. Repaired numerous computers
5. Collected on past due bills for an independant contractor
6. Re-upholstered cars
7. Repaied countless cars (mostly minor repairs, some extensive)
8. Hauled dry goods
9. Cooked
10. Cleaned
11. Lawn care
12. Tutored
13. Babysat (or is it babysitted?)
14. Fixed furniture.
15. Re-wired a house for phone lines.
16. Swapped out all the power recepticles and light fixtures in a house
17. Repaired a cable tv line.
18. Contribute regularly to a blog.....mine

I now see that living off paychecks is going to be an awkward transition. Living off of tips and paying bills with my checks was the standard MO. Now, I must buget & ration my cash. Not difficult, just a different way of living. It will be better in the long run just by the sheer stability of the income.

I am ashamed to say I didn't call a college today. I woke up feeling horrible, and by the time I nursed myself into functionability, I was running late on my "to do" list. I'll try again tomorrow.

more best buy goodness

Well, today we actually worked. We started to prepare the store to take merchandise by setting up racks and moving boxes. It was very refreshing, I was ready to quit from all the BS cheering. A lot of the older employees were sick of it too. You can't force team spirit in Burlington, NC.

I need to be in another department. If all they asked me to do all day was to move heavy stuff, I'd be ok. I'd rather be selling computers or upgrading them. Not too sure I want to be on the geek squad, I have an ounce or two of dignity left. However, I am easily bought, so....

In my area, even the management won't do the cheers when nobody's looking. In fact, they roll their eyes. I like working with realistic people. The GM seems to be all about that crap. If I were getting paid 90k annually + benefits, I'd do all sorts of nonsense and love the Hell out of it. I'd make a fool of myself for half that. To be honest, I made a fool of myself for 9 years delivering pizza for about 15% of that.....

On the ISS front, I'll most likely finish my basic room prep this week. I'll have a whole other week to fine tune and prepare and I'm usually dead the first few weeks anyway, so I'll have more time than I actually need to finish.

I feel guilty, but I have yet to make an appointment with a recruiter for college. I know it is a major goal, but I'm limited in my resources right now anyway. Other than taking one class, I don't see how I could cope with everything. I WILL call tomorrow.

I'll have my new (to me) pickup diagnosed tomorrow also. I'll find out what I need to get it to full capacity, then when I get a good chunk of school & best buy money in, I'll fix'er up....nice stereo, new seats, carpet, restore the AC, then a nice little paint job, and maybe one of those spray-on bedliners. That would be sweet.

School is my first goal, must not lose focus.........

brainwashed

I did another new employee/store opening training meeting today for best buy. It was from 8-5. I think there are human rights policies against such things. We were made to cheer as if in a pep rally and constantly being made to participate in some "game" or chant and being saturated with best buy propaganda. It was seemingly endless. There were refreshments offered, but given the level of intensity of their "training" and team building exercises, I decided to only drink from sealed soda cans that I myself opened.

All joking aside, it doesn't seem too awful bad yet. I can imagine when we actually get in there, it will be Hell. Burlington doesn't have anything else like it, everyone will come in and gawk at all the shit they don't need.

I was reminded of last year when my house & truck burned down within months of each other. I realized what I could live without and what was most important to me. I'll be working in a place that sells things to make life "fun and easy". They intend on selling you things that will beep and flash at you and keep you occupied until the next better gizmo comes along.

There are quite a few things I would like, but the only thing I'm really into is computers, and they just about sell them at cost....no discount.

I no longer even miss TV, I might like some choice stereo equipment for my vehicles. We'll see what happens.

Speaking of vehicles, I bought another '85 ford ranger for next to nothing today. It fired rigtht up, but seemed to only need a few choice parts to complete. I've already bought them, and may have it road ready in a week or so. I need a pickup so badly....

My school project, aka the new ISS room is coming along quite well. I'll be finished with the basic construction in a few days of good effort. It is going to be great. I can't wait to actually have decent resources at my disposal. I'll try to post some pics of the finished product.

Wow. So much to do & so little time.....

Best Buy N.E.T. experience

I went to the four hour new employee training meeting today. It was very interesting (sarcasm). I think I like the ideals BB tries to foster, we'll see if they actually come about in practice and application.

All the people seemed down to earth, decent folks. They tend to want personable people in the stores. I have learned to mimics that trait well. Most people who know me know I'm not really a people person, but I can be kind and friendly when needed.

The management was a pretty lively bunch, the manager of my area seemed the most laid back, so it could be a very good thing. I've noticed that most higher corporate management types look so washed out, like they put almost every ounce of heart and soul into "the company" and leave so little for themselves. Corporate zombies....sounds like a B-movie. But they made choices they look happy with, and most likely it's just something I don't get.

their was some sort of executive there that was almost comical he looked so fake. Orange dye tan, hair replacement & dye job. He seemed a nice enough guy, but just looked so phoney, ah.....Corporate America. We were led off in a pep-rally style cheer. Obviously, moving boxes all day is something to look forward to.

Five years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and probably walked out. I've never been a "believe the hype" type of person and my sour experience with Papa John's cemented this paradigms for me. Now I see it as a stepping stone. Hell, I just might like it. When the you-know-what hits the fan and that door swings open for the first time, we'll see how much of that spirit stays in tact.

I 've always known I can deal with whatever comes my way. I see their rigid corporate standards as a good thing, rigidity is rigid both ways; do the job, show up on time, and keep your mouth shut and nothing bad happens. If I don't like it, there are four other stores in that plaza I could go to.

I found out tonight they stay open until 9 mon-thurs, 10 fri-sat, and 8 on sunday. Not shabby hours, not like I'll be there all night. Hell, retail might even give me new things to write about.

The big surprise is we all work THIS Sat & Sun, and then it's a seven days a week jobsite. Kinda puts the kie-boash on my two week notice for Domino's, I didn't realize pizza would come to such an unceremonious end.... life without pizza.....

Very soon I just might write some of my pizza anecdotes on here. I've had almost ten years doing it, quite a few things happened in my day.

In a few short years, I hope to look back on all of it and know it was just means to an end. And then I can rest, at least work in a way that means more that base survival.

Comic Strip

My new hobby is going to be writing comics. My art is not so great, but I think I have some good ideas. You never know, I could do it and sombody could actually want to pay me for the honor. I've done about 10 one-pannel comics in rough form and I might start putting them online. The only thing I can do is stuff based on my life and all the siclkly ironic thing that have happened to me.

School will be starting about the same time I start best buy, It'll be life without pizza from there on out. It's such a big step that it makes me nervous. I've done the math over and over and it seems as though I'll make more money. Mosty since I'll work more hours, and the other because I won't be burning out so much gas or tearing up my cars.

If things work well, come tax time I'm going to try to get a better car. So far, I've lost 10 pounds on my diet. So far so good. I've been making a genuine effort to clear off the back porch so I'll have a workout area. Being active will be the ultimate catalyst for me not being a lard ass anymore.

Today I call GC to set up an appointment to talk to a counsellor about the college return.

2004 was the phoenix year. Everything had burst into flames around me. 2005 is the year I reinvent myself and start the slow process of becoming who I want to be.

these times are a-changin'

With Nathan being back in town, it has given me a chance to look inward. I've noticed how much I've changed. Besides being older, fatter, and going bald. I'm way more conservative now. Last night, a group of kids on bikes rode down into my area that I didn't recognize and I called the police. Now, my thing is A). I live on a dead end surrounded by a creek. B). I don't think that many kids that age live anywhere near here. C). It was 1:00 A.M.

No kids riding bikes have any buisiness being out at one in the morning, not to mention in a neighborhood thay don't belong in, not to mention you can't just be "passing through" since I live on a dead end.

I go into a job I can't stand because I know I need the money. I stay there because I know not to quit until I find better money elsewhere.

On another note, it has been hot as hell this past week 100 + several days straight. Just feels like being in an oven all day long. I've been wanting to go out and clean my yard, but not at the risk of heat stroke! So, I'll be taking it easy for the next few days. I wanted to start working out, but not in that heat. I'd kill myself.

Robyn's kids came over and they are so tired, they want to take naps....I think I'll join them.

the game of kings

I've been playing more chess with Nathan, as of right now I am one game ahead in our little rivalry. I credit my victories to him getting too tired to make good moves and me getting hella better. He actually has a basic knowledge of how to play that I never possessed. His tips and our practice have made me a much better player. After a game or two, I expect he'll start beating me again, and I'll have to learn more.

He's been my house guest for the past few days, and a welcomed one at that. Too bad my life is way too hectic to spend much quality time hanging out. Soon he'll be in Chicago for however long, and the group will have parted ways yet again. I hope we don't wait another 10-12 years.

Speaking of groups parting ways, I realized the other day that between School (job), college, and working for best buy, I'll probably have to give up my D&D game soon. I don't want to, but I can't really give up all my free time. And free time will be in short supply. As much as I love playing, I can't stop enjoying real life to play pretend. I hope the guys continue on with new games and maybe during breaks, I can sit in from time to time.

I think of all I'll have to give up to get where I need to go and I hope it's all worth it. I read "A framework for understanding poverty". It's a book written by an educator to try to help schools come to terms with "the rough kids".

It says that in order to make it from one social class to the other, a person must be willing to make sacrifices.

I've been toying with the idea of working elsewhere other than best buy. If it come to the point of it not being flexible with my school schedule, it'll have to go anyway. I just know delivering pizza ain't the way to do it anymore. With luck and hard work, in a few short years I'll have an income that will allow me to only work one job. What a dream.....

Finished book 6

I might tell too much of the book, don't read if you don't want any clues or spoilers.


After reading in my spare time since Sunday evening, I finished the Half Blood Prince. I liked the book as a whole, but hated how it ended. I waited for the "big twist" Rowling seems to enjoy adding in, but it never came. It's a grim book, not as grim as book 5. I can see how it has set up book 7 and I have a few ideas as to what will happen.

I will admit, Harry is not my favorite character. I like him, I read his exploits and enjoy his story, but I don't enjoy the books for Harry Potter.

What I wonder is, how much facination will the next book hold? It looks like many of the things I liked the most will not be present in book 7 and I don't really know how I feel about that. I guess that, in JKR's mind, after the ending of book 6, the Potter fans will be ready to see if book 7 will give them the satisfaction to make up for all the tradgedy that was in HBP.

The sad note is, bookwise, this seems like filler to me. It, unlike the other 5 books, couldn't stand on its own as a good book in itself. I liked it as a whole BECAUSE I had already read the others.

So I sit here typing, with that "punched in the gut" feeling, digesting how I feel about it all.

Higher education and hogwart's

I spent most of the day calling schools about returning for my BA degree, and calling about finacial aid. This will continue tomorrow. I discovered if I go the easiest route to get financed, I have to take a leave of absence to student-teach one school semester. I was floated several options otherwise, but more infomation will come tomorrow.

It seems funny, they WANT people to work their way up in the schools, predicting less turnaround. But I either:

A. Go the traditional route and leave my full-time job as ISS co-ordinator which is hard since I depend on that money. Or,

B. Take a BA in a related field and possibly become qualified to do a better paying job.

I have about two years to decide my fate. Nathan and I discussed education in great length, he is sick of it, I love it. I see the downside as minor, bad kids come and go, I feel an efficient class management approach could do away with alot of the "headache" that makes teaching miserable. I like guaranteed holidays off, long summer vacations, and incredible job security. Nathan sees it as another dead-end job. I don't.

Besides, honestly, I see teaching as a means to an end. I will most likely continue my education after that as well. Who really knows where I might end up

My first session with Best Buy will be in two weeks. I get to be brainwashed by the four hour in-processing/ re-education center. Means to an end, means to an end......

Re-started my low-carb diet from last year. So far, so good. When I get a slight sugary craving, I turn up a diet rootbeer/carbsmart icream float. Good stuff. Robyn had an impropteau birthday cake for her youngest daughter, and oh it looked so tasty! I was almost misty-eyed trying to reassure myself I didn't NEED cake. But oh, I wanted just a sweet little taste. The next few weeks will be Hell as I wait to get my body acclaimated to fat-burning before I can have an occasional treat. I wanted to start exersicing today, but with more college knowledge-seeking afoot, I won't likely get the area I need cleaned off.

Also, hampering progress is the new Harry Potter book. So far, I've enjoyed reading it, and I'm about halfway in. I'll be finished in a day or so if I don't pace myself. I like to read slow and savor the imagry. I took a week to read book five, limiting my self to only reading at bedtime for about an hour.

I never had a chance to read much when I was a kid. My folks would constanly be running me around to fetch their stuff. Couldn't sit in one spot long enough to read many books. Ironicly, I'm a very good reader, and not a bad writer either. Sometimes I wonder what I could do if I could nurture a few talents.

I saw a few people I graduated with this past week, and most of them looked bad, REALLY bad. Some of them seemed ashamed to be in a sorry state and avoided speaking. I know one of them was while I was delivering pizza, so he had to have felt abit better about himself, I didn't. Nate said something about feeling comfort knowing people are doing worse than you, I think he's right.

Speaking of him, our little Chess rivalry is fun. He's got a slight leg up on me in total wins, but we seem to be much more evenly matched that I originally thought. He is a much more cautious player than I, and I am a quicker thinker than he. I look forward to our next games as I've soaked up a bit of his strategy. More fun & games to come.

The north virginian trek

I went on Sunday to help Robyn get her kids from Luray, Virginia. It was in the heart of the Apalachian Mountains and it was mostly a breathtaking trip. I had not been more than 150 miles from home more than once in 8 years. We took 5 hours to get there and stayed at a KOA, which was a first, and I kinda liked the feel of the place. I could be talked into it again.

Robyn also popped for tickets into the Luray Caverns. Not too shabby a site, I was a little diappointed with the sheer number of people that went on the tour at one time. At $20 a person and a group goes down every 10-20 minutes, I estimated there was no less than $4k an hour running through there. Then the shops, then the concessions. That one place even had a full service gas station! Made me want in on the action. You know, make a hokey tourist trap out somewhere past civilization......Wilsonland! I could have the "Robert E. Lee memorial tire pile" and a walkthrough maze walled with junk cars. I could sell mosquito repellant and tetnis boosters at the concession stands. Perhaps have some piece of rotting detralus that is kinda starting to look like Jesus and the mysterious penis tree. I could open up a KOA nearby too....... Money Money Money!!!!

I do think there are some awesome things to behold with nature. I would have enjoyed hiking through the mountains we drove through for free. I would have given anything for my old motorcycle up there.

Other than that, I'm as broke as ever. I had a bill collector try to scare the bejesus out of me. Damn near worked too. Refused a payment settlement, told me they were filing a lawsuit against me if I didn't pay in full. I told him go ahead, if I see papers, I'll have to file bankruptcy. I damn sure don't have it and can't even start on it untill September. I did find out that if they threaten a lawsuit , they have to follow through or its harassment. We'll see what happens.

The day after the trip, I woke up in so much pain, I could barely get out of bed. Now that scared the Hell out of me. I thought I was dying for awhile. With advil, hot showers, and lethargy; I'm almost back to my normal 55%.

I'm kind of nervous about the whole Best Buy thing. After the whole neck pain thing on Tuesday made me realize I'm not young or in great shape. I'll have to pace myself and hope for the best, no pun intended.

School will be back soon and I must be prepared to start my return to college. I'm making the calls tomorrow. I'll also talk to Jim, a teacher friend about it. The past year was a total waste. I must not waste any more time. 33. I must be done at 33.

.....and miles to go before I sleep.....

got it

I was hired for the new best buythis past Friday. I will soon be ending the long pizza saga of my life. I probably won't be piutting in my notice at Domino's until the last minute, if at all. They'll "notice" I stopped showing up.

I'm still not too sure how to feel about it. I guess the job will speak for itself. Means to an end really, I'll eventually get to the point where I only need to work my day job with the school. Then it's an easy sail to retirement.

I played Nathan for the first time at chess yesterday. We are 1-1. I'll admit he is probably the better player, but I never get to play "real" opponents and he may very well be smarter, definitly more educated. Here comes the rivalry........just like the street fighter days. Hell, it's all in good fun and I look forward to it.

After the game we talked politics....for HOURS and never really agreed, well, I lie. I do like his viewpoint, and I think we agreed on my key issues, but I just think we see the way to get there is different. I would have love to hear Paul's views on the subject, he tried, but he was SOOOOO wasted by that late hour.

Speaking of looking forward to things, I'm going to help Robyn go get her kids tomorrow. We are going to Nothern Virginia to meet her relatives halfway. Then on Monday we are going to some caverns then back home. I hope I bring enough cash for a few lottery tickets, and then I hope I win. We'll return in a Hummer, if not it'll have to be the Maxima. At least the company will be good either way.

I guess as far as the BB job goes, I don't consider it a step up so much as preserving my car while I finish (start) my BA in education so I will only HAVE to work at one job. Who knows what the future holds. But I know I'll be glad to see it when its here. I think that's the secret to life. Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best, counting your blessings, and working towards your goals.

people skills

I'm fairly confident I will get a job at best buy this Friday. I had an interview this today, I discovered it was a three-part interview process. I interviewed with a department manager, we got along great, then the assistant manager came through went well. I didn't want to work Sundays, and she told me that they work in three piles: yes, no, and maybe. I was a maybe for wanting Sundays off. If I agreed to work some, but not every, Sunday I was in the "yes" group. The yes people (which I guess means "ass-kisser") go on to interview with the GM of the store for a final decision on hiring. They were intrigued with my ISS coordinator position. They asked me what made me want that job. How did I get into it. All I could say is it was a career move and that I love it.

So, I get to go interview again, and probably get the job, starts out better than I thought, so my money will be looking good.

Now, back to the issue of college.

New Wilson's Dictonary

I found some funnies I'm going to add a few of my own.




Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Deja Poo: the act of cutting wind in you own car, getting out, coming back and the gassy smell is still there.

Dr Pibb: Robyn's favorite drink, at least she seems to order it alot at late night dive throughs when she's really tired.

Hypochristians: the "holier than thou" type that judges and criticizes you, but they are not exactly angels themselves.

Prostitots: underage girls that dress like whores.

Dubcaps: The trashy-ass hubcaps designed to look like trashy-ass rims.

Thug Lite: when privleged white kids act like they're from the ghetto.

Feel free to come up with your own.

anticipation

I'll find out in an hour or so if the junkyard carb will fix my Honda. I'm in the hole right now, financially. A car problem was the last thing I needed during this "thin summer". I'll have to "limp along" to keep up my bills.

grilling, the primal connection.........

I love charcoal grilling. Almost everyone I know loves it. It tastes better, there seems to be an almost ritualistic art to the whole process. There is no written formula to the cookout, but they all seem to go the same routethere is a decent amount of foods, great cuts of meat, salad, alcohol, music, and merry-making. I can imagine in primal times, the hunter would bring in the food and when there was luscious meat, it was a call for celebration. They would dance and rejoice while the food was being prepared, then the stories of the hunt and of the elders and great times past. All would eat their fill and be done.

The hunter is now the host/cook and everyone listens to music, tells jokes, and stories. I think it is ingrained into us. It is a throwback to what we once were; before supermarkets, and electricity, our lifestyle is new, speaking historically. We've only been away from wood fire cooking for about 100 years or less. And most parts of the civilized word only cook and heat with fire out of novelty, not necessity.

Somewhere back in the deepest recesses of who we are, there is that primal creature. The hunter, the survivor, the thing that kicks in from time to time. The one that knows what to do when everything falls apart. Ingrained within our very being, he see sees that big, raw steak and knows what to do. He knows how to make it good.........

The fire.

diet

One of the things I'm going to start this week is my diet. I'm going back on Atkins. The only thing I found difficult is it is hard to plan my meals during school & working two jobs. I had planned to go back on it halfway through last school year, but I was too busy with burning houses and such. Not to mention, my folks have a horrible concept of what food is, and I couldn't eat healthy at all. I really enjoyed Atkins-stlye eating. All the rich, flavorful food, and as much as I wanted. The down side is the loss of bread, pasta, and sweets, but the only real downfall was sweets. I have a sweet tooth from hell. The good news is that with this diet, if I maintain well, I can have an occasional treat after the first few weeks. Not to mention I'm quite fond of diet root beer floats with low carb ice cream. MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm.

I'm re-dedicating myself to housework today. By the time I go to bed tonight, my house will be very clean, it's not bad now, but I want it better. Something about people making a surprise visit and the reaction is "hot damn!", not "god damn!" makes me feel good.

I feel the same connection to my health, I want people to think "hot damn, he takes care of himself" not "god damn he looks bad". The bad part is, I don't feel terribly unhealthy, but 240lbs puts alot of strain on my knees and ankles. And I know how much better I felt, so there.

everything's gonna be alright....

Found a junker car out in the boondocks that matches my honda and the guy will sell me the carb off of it for 60 & warranty it. Now I just have to get by tail out there and remove it myself. And therein lies the real challenge.

Robyn has told me I can loan some cash to make a down payment on a "real car". My best bet is a half-dead '97 ranger a block from my house at a used car lot. I have no Idea how it runs, but it is a high-milage truck, even by my standards, but if was decently maintained, it could be a good choice. I need a pickup badly.

The rotten news is that Robyn's can needs a flywheel. She's fed up with the car and I can't say I blame her. It's an '86 maxima with 217000 miles on it. To make the thing 100% again it needs:
tune-up - 50
flywheel - 300-ish
struts - 400-ish
re-alignment - 60-100-ish
(optional) ac repair - 200-ish
In the ballpark of $1000 to keep a $500 car running.

Now, I think that with all those repairs, she could get a good bit o' that cash back by driving it untill tax-time next year and getting something new. The car has starting huffing a little smoke sporatically, but doesn't have an engine knock at all. And a fresh oil change might help a bit of that, it's come due but the oil plug has been stripped out and I haven't had the time to play with it.

I must be in for some good luck, or perhaps it's karma? Was I a despot in my previous life?

luck & karma & such

A few months ago, I was joking about how my truck burned up, my house burned up and since I'm still here and going, I figured things would be looking up soon. Now my Honda needs a new carb on it. The one on it is too far gone to be salvaged. I have gone crashing past my comfort zone and now I have to borrow money to get my car on the road. The tragic part is that it is just small enough of an amount that it is worth fixing, but much more and I should just get another car. I think there is more life left to it, I just have to get past the "used and abused" damage and get it back on track.

Even as the price is bad enough, my real problem is that no body can get the part to me untill Wendsday.

Screwed

My 85 Honda obviously has a major problem. The guy I tend to trust as a mechanic has had it for 3 days to rebuild the carbuerator on it. I have seen this guy rebuild an engine in a day or less and right now he can't get my car straight. I'm supposed to work tonight at pizza, but Hell, no car, no work. If he can't finish by today....I'm screwed. I'll most likely get fired.

irony

I want to be creative, make a web-comic, a haloween costume, a good blog entry.....SOMETHING. Alas, I have found I cannot be clever on command. I will admit to wanting to do a web comic, I just don't seem to have the ability to relate witty commentary with art. I might try to do a few and post them to see how they do. I will be posting some social commentary very soon on my other blog. Lotta crap I have a strong opinion on happening these days.

My old high school buddy Nathan is in town for a few days. With Paul living in Burlington, we've gotten together a few times. This is the first time we've all been together in about 10 years. We need to get a picture together before he heads for the rapids in WV. I covet his pickup. Wish we had more time, but I'm busy, Paul's busy,and Nate is trying to score a new job on the East coast. Time is a precious commodity.

I'm maintaining the house, finally got another washer & dryer, that seems to be going well so far.
Over the next week, I need to organize my back porch and get the yard sale ready. However, I did repair one of my phone lines. Now I have and easily accessible jack yay me.

My car is out of commission, temporarily I hope. This is going out of my expenditure comfort-zone to repair it. Not fixing it will ruin me.

I'm eager to see if I do well this summer on limited funds. This will prove to me if I can exist megerly while I finish my BA. Must finish school, teachers don't get paid much, but it's a damn sure sight better than my current income. Only working one job & having Summers off would be heaven for me.

Alright, now I must sleep.

House

My favorite topic of late. I've been lazy, but not terribly so. The house is not getting messy, I just haven't been as strongly set on accomplishing any goals the past week or so. That will change as soon as I finish writing this. I'll go work on my back porch.
I bought a new printer this past week and have yet to install it, just to give you an idea of how lax I've been.
I'm supposed to get my washer & dryer tomorrow. I'm excited. Once everthing is installed, I'll go to work on my laundy/storage room. I've been planning a yard sale for two weeks, nothing yet.

I bought some more lottery tickets Saturday I had a scratch off ticket that won me $15, too bad it was a $10 ticket. I might go back next week and try again. I'm not silly, I know the odds. It's still fun. I like to buy a ticket and drive back, usually with Robyn and talk about everything we will do when we get rich. Sometimes I think she thinks we have a better chance of winning than I actually do, maybe she's right. Only thing I know about the lottery is :
a. I like playing.
b. People do win.
c. You gotta be in it to win it.
d. I dropped more money on dumber things.

So what the hell, right? You won't roll your eyes if I win. If you still do, what will I care? I'll be rich!

It's the end of the world as I know it...I feel tired...

Well damn. The news has been facinating as of late. Paul turned me onto Fark, that makes it even better. It seems like the winds of change are a blowin'.

Michael Jackson was found not guilty. If you didn't know that, you have not not been introduced to the formula.

Rich + famous = aquittal.

Let's go over a few:
Snoop Dogg
O.J.
Charlie Chaplain
Fatty Arbuckle
Robert Blake
Kobe Bryant

The only person who didn't see thier life crash & burn after the fact was Snoop, but being actually accused of being a thug and a murderer is a good thing when you are a gangster-rapper.

Another thing was this horrible losing streak of Mike Tyson's. I remember when he was a one punch monster. A monster, not even human, a predator....or was he? When I was a pre-teen, I knew boxers were tough, I knew nothing about "past his prime". I saw Tyson crush people with impressive ring credentials. I didn't realize they were mostly all wash-ups who's haydays were 10+ years prior and looking for one last paycheck.

I remeber George Foreman making a comeback and thinking: "Wow! This old guy is showing up a lot of younger people." A very hopeful, encouraging tale. Then Tyson vs. Foreman...what if? There were to fight but Tyson backed out of the fight. I used to think Tyson would have killed Foreman quickly. Now I'm not too sure. Foreman was hard to drop. I saw Evander Holifield break Foreman down and unloaded a can of whoopass that would have and did drop Tyson years later. George didn't fall. Foreman has a slow clobbering punch vs Tyson's fast "haymaker".

The thing that decides it for me is toughness. Foreman at 45 had more in-ring stamina and a harder jaw than Tyson ever had. Tyson never stood toe to toe with a person who was able to take a good shot. And tyson has a glass jaw.

And maybe all Tyson ever had was hype. Hell, I beat Tyson a few times......on "Punch Out! ". For the 9 million he got paid, I'd fight him tonight. Yeah, Yeah, I'd get my ass handed to me, but 9 mil buys alot physical therapy.

I don't have tv at home, I waste enough time on the computer. When I look I get depressed. Who the Hell is Paris Hilton and why does anyone care?
You know, I personally don't give a damn about the personal lives of the rich and famous. I like movies, and listen to music. I really don't want to see the "reality". The reality is they are a pretty screwed up lot and it'll make you sick to know that they are usually no better than anyone else. My idea of entertainment is an escape. I wan't to see beauty, I want to be moved and inspired. I don't wan't to see Ozzy Osbourne swear at his kids for 20 minutes.

house-mania

So far so good. I tend to keep a good hold on my messes, therefore my house tends to always look somewhat presntable. I have to start up the improvement work again. I must have it 100% to my liking.

I'm going back on my diet from last year. I haven't gained all the weight back, but damn-near. I'll get used to the trend now while I'm at home more and start preparing my lunches when I go back to school. mmmmmmmmmmmm meat. While I'm on that kick, I'll also be exercising. Nothing like a good sweaty workout to build muscle that will in turn burn more fat. I can do itI just might do a few "before" pics to keep myself focused. I fit nicely in a 2x t-shirt. At one pointy in my adult life, I could do a medium and it looked nice. that was 8 inches in my waist ago. I don't think I can get there, I just don't want to be "here". My knees and ankles are pretty screwed, so I'll have to start soft and slow, no deadlifts and squats (my secret to being 155) If I could get to 180 with decent muscle tone, I'd be pretty stoked. More to come......

Log Lag

I've had no time to write. I've been spending a ton of time away from home. And even now I'm too tired to put anything good down. I just wanted my fans to know I'd not given up the blogging, it will resume soon.

My crappy job.

I work part time in the evenings at a Domino's Pizza. Overall, I hate the job. The job itself is Hell on a car, the manager is a bipolar/ junkie with serious personal issues. Last night was my turn in the barrel, so to speak, and I almost quit. I don't like being yelled at, being called a liar, or threatened. I was ready to walk and by the time I came back and decided to leave and she had changed her tone. I was still steaming mad.

I learned early on to very careful what I say and do, because once it's out there you can't take it back. She makes a regular habit of making a complete ass of herself and I'm not too sure that if this Domino's thing ever ends for her she may have a fall that she will never recover from. She's not a decent person or a good manager.

That was a week ago.

She's still an ass, but now school is over. I'm sitting in an empty classroom. This is a very pleasant place to be when there's no kids around.
I have three days to clean up and head out. During this time, I must get my plans for ISS done for next year. I wish this job paid more, but I'm so happy here. I feel like I belong for the first time in a very long time.

The past three days have been pure Hell outside of school. My folks had me help them set posts for a fence, I had to work, I've had little sleep, and I have yet to do anything more to my house. I have new furniture and can't stay at home long enough to enjoy it. I just finished Robyn's brakes, they were in awful shape, but they got finished. Almost every muscle in my body aches, and I have not benefitted at all for this pain. I have got to get into shape.

It's a true shame when you don't feel like you belong in your personal life and you feel like you belong in your professional life. I come to work for my escape. This classroom is my retreat. This where I'm important. This is where I belong. And now, no school for 3 months.........

Gunbound

There is a free online game I like to play called gunbound. Gunbound is a shooting game that employs factors such as wind speed/direction, trajectories, ect.. There are a choice of several vehicles or "mobiles" that you can chose to play with each with strengths and weaknesses. Each mobile effect others differently. I hadn't played in months, yesterday I started playing again. I had just about as much fun as I remember it being. If you get with a good team, you could easily waste hours playing. When you win, you earn gold. You can trade earned gold for costumes your character can wear. The costume can modify your abilities. I played so long ago, nobody remembers where my character items come from. Kinda freaks people out when I enter a game and they don't recognize my stuff.

Since I won't be getting cable anytime soon, I'll read, write, listen to radio, and play video games for entertainment. I could afford it, but why bother? I wouldn't watch much even if I had it. I don't think I should be paying to watch commercials. Why not make cable free? Pay for premium channels, commercial free. I even think the internet should be free. All those ads you heve to watchout where you click. I shop online, pay bills online, maybe the advertisers should be footing the bill. If the companys realize the closer their product is to our fingertips, the quicker we consume.

Have you ever stopped and looked around us? At yourself? Fat, lethargic, red-faced people on the verge of organ failure speeding down the road, blabbering into a cellphone while shoveling greasy, fatty food down thier throats. Too preoccupied to notice or show any regard to the people around them. Go online and talk to a person in Ireland or Canada for hours, but can't remember the last time you spoke to your nieghbor.
What's your favorite poem?
When was the last time you made a homemade gift for someone?
When was the last time you sat down to a home cooked meal with your family?
When was the last time you stopped talking and started listening?
When was the last time you felt alive?
When was the last time you looked outside, and saw everyone scrambling like rats and it made you realize how stupid life can be if you take all the BS too seriously?

Have you stopped to think about the price you really pay for the thing you work toward?

Tired

Yesterday after I made it home, I felt bad. I took a four hour nap and still felt rotten. It kinda scared me. It was a headache and weakness with nothing else seemingly wrong. Robyn rushed over as soon as she heard from me. I kinda liked the attention. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love living alone and being self-sufficient, but it does get lonely at times.

Nathan called me yesterday and is offering to send me an unnamed movie I'd like to own. I'll give you a dvd of something I own, just name it.

I have my mess pretty much under wraps. There is very little left to do and it's mostly just toss out and detail cleaning. I'm going to put an ad in for my more "high dollar" surplus before I do my yard sale. I might be able to get some new living room furniture out of it. I'd love new furniture at this point. My folks came down for lunch and were impressed with what I'd done with the place. My house looks nicer than theirs now. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It's the last week of school, I think I did quite well considering my resources. Next year I'll have more available to me and my room will be better suited to the task. All the rowdy kids are on early vacation, and the sheep that follow them are falling into place. I think it will be a smooth, quiet sail to the finish.

I've been running my kung-fu type game for two sessions, next week will be three. I like it and the players really seem to be into it as well, but I'm ready to get back into playing my sorcerer. I'll celebrate by incinerating an enemy. I got burned out playing Draco early on. I didn't like that he was so under-powered compared to my other characters to date. Draco has really come into his own the past couple of levels and became quite formidible. Still not my favorite character. I'd say Klegg, the half orc fighter, and Daxt, the jedi I played in a SW campaign still beat him out. I think Klegg will always be my favorite. Strong, fast, angry. he didn't think too much about it, he just pulled out his great sword and swung as hard as he could and if he was connecting, he was doing the damage. He was the one everyone ran from or to. I like Klegg and I'd love to pick him up again one day. I doubt daxt will ever see the day he's brought back into action, shame too. I thought he was the ideal Jedi, high dexterity and weilded two lightsabers in combat. His fighting style was like ballet. I try to imagine how a character fights, then I mold thier personality around that.

I guess I'll not be getting too old to play any time soon. The geek lives in all of us.

weird

I found out today the best way to get under the skin of a ultra-hyper, attention starved kid.

Ignore him and give him nothing to do.

As simple as it sounds, sometimes we overlook simple solutions. Kid went about half crazy today. He was desparate for any type of attention. I blame his white trash parents.

Revenge of the Sith

I told myself I wasn't going to go watch SW3 right away. I was heartbroken at how horrible Attack of the Clones was. After I watched it, I felt like George Lucas took a big crap on my chlidhood daydreams of jedis and lightsabers. I was kinda gun-shy to get that worked up again. The corus teacher offered me a pair of tickets to last nights midnight showing, how could I refuse? My game ran over so we were kinda late getting there. Robyn & I had to sit WAY up front (not too cool).The teach I got the tickets from said he was there @ 9:50 & he wasn't much further back at all. I do hate how one guy was "holding" seats for 5 of his friends. Geez. I could see one or two, but FIVE? Oh well......

The movie was way better than I expected. It has better acting, better directing, it looked a bit more real, I had a much easier time suspending disbelief. I like how it seems like so much thought was put into how everything was to be tied in to the original movies. I found Anakin's turn to the darkside to be beliveable. His fear of losing the one he loves makes him go to any length to save her. You can see he resists it, feeling guilt, and anguish. I feel it might have been over the top at a few points, but still good none the less. I felt his motivation, I could sympathize with this portrayal of Anakin. You could see the hatred. But was it hatred of himself?

The two shining characters of the whole prequel were Obi-Wan and Palpatine. They carried this franchise just as Liam Neeson was the perfect jedi as Qui-Gon Gin in TPM. I would definitely watch it again. There was a ton of things I like and only a few I didn't. Where as in AOTC, there were a few thing I really like but hated the film as a whole.

I liked it. I will have to watch it again to fully make up my mind, but it was a definate improvement. Now I'm really stoked for the live action series.

Progress, sweet progress

Despite staying on the telephone for hours last night, I managed to get quite a bit of housework done. My "over-my-head pile o' stuff" that completely filled a decent sized bedroom is now a large pile of laundry and a 2 unsorted boxes. My goal of five or fewer boxes stored is coming around slowly it is coming around. I repaired some of my boken pieces of antique furniture. The desk is still not ok, but it is together. Tomorrow, I'm cleaning the whole house, dust, vacuum, ect., and then I start the back porch. I should call it the patio. It's a huge, screened in porch and it is full too. It's filled with empty boxes, my two giant aquariums, old furniture, and the old appliances. My goal is to sell most of it at the yard sale in a few weeks. If they don't sell, they will be destroyed, or at the very least put to the side of the road.
Pretty soon the giant dumpster will be gone, and I will have a driveway again. I will be able to have the junk cars in my back yard removed. Although I am a long way from it, I am really enjoying the spartan approach to keeping house. Keep what you need, if it is of no use, destroy it. Keep it simple, the new mantra.

When my porch is cleaned off, I'm going to set up an exercise spot, a workspace and a patio/picnic area. I'm going to celebrate the end of all this with a cookout. I must learn to grill.

I finally got my plastic yesterday, costumes will be made soon. I might sell some other stuff on ebay too.

It will be a time of change.
I want to be proactive.
I want to work toward my goals.
I am willing to put in long hours and stay up late nights.
I am ready to make the sacrifices nesissary to take myself to the next level.
This is the year it all changes for the better.
I need to spell beter.
And use more better grammar.
Ha Ha Ha.

Time for a split.

I am going to do a poltics/current events blog separate from this one. I want this to be my soapbox of the soul, and the other will be my window on the world.

I do enjoy the feedback I've been getting from both my fans. All BS aside, I want to keep the dairy and musing part separate. I'll type more later.

Platform for President the New Wilsonism

I have a few very basic concepts that I think can be applied to our country.


1. Keep it simple

I think things are way too complicated. True genius is finding the most simplified application to adress the problem. I get a migrane trying to comprehend the overly redundant & confusing beauracracy. The buisness model would make Rube Goldberg proud. I would, as president, find ways to simplify everything in the government. Simplifing and streamlining would save money. One extremely simple solution to a myriad of problems is to legalize drugs. Maybe not all, mind you, just marijuana at first. This would:

A. Allow us to revert money from "the war on drugs" to homeland security.
B. Taxes from now legitimate grower & sellers would rake in a few hudred million.
C. A good bit of crime from druglords & gangs would dry right up.
D. A slew of legitimate jobs would open up.
E. Terrorists that fuel their "jihad" with drug smuggling would be hard up on funding.

Hell, the drug trade is huge, a multi billion dollar industry. The war on drugs is a joke. The people have spoken, they know what they want. Why BS about it, let the people be responsible for themselves.

Secure the borders. If you have no right to be here, you have no rights here. I think our country is great because anyone can come here and can become a success or failure based mostly on their own determination. Come legally, obey the laws, pay your taxes and welcome aboard! I think we will have fewer problems with illegal immigrants if we legalize drugs (nothing to smuggle). And NO SOCIAL AID TO ILLEGAL ALIENS!!!!! Social aid is for Americans only.

More to come.......

I want to run...

No, not exercise. I want into politics. I have a few political ideas I'd like to promote. I think I have a good working theory about the government and its major short comings. I have even began fostering a platform. I might make a separate blog for this, or I just might do a website. Why not?

free lunch......

I have instances every day where I see first hand the failings of our system. I see people being rewarded for doing poorly. I remember field day as a kid. Some won, many lost, everyone got a ribbon. The blue first place was an awesome thing to have pinned to your shirt. The red ribbon of second was also great, as was third. Then there was "honorable mention". I thought honorable mention meant "loser". I had a few of each, honorable mention was the most common. We can't all be winners. Then one year we didn't do ribbons at all and nobody tried. There must be rewards for exceptional ability and effort. Likewise there should be nothing for those who don't try to excel.

This brings me to welfare and other social programs. I don't care for them. Welfare and these social aid programs were meant to be used as a way to get people on thier feet, to provide a home to raise thier children and make sure they get what they need to get off on the right foot, so the next generation gets out of the projects. It didn't quite happen that way.
I believe the govenment made a major faux pas by thinking the answer to helping these people was to give them handouts. If a person gets something without earning it, they tend to take it for granted. Eventually they become complacent and lazy. Then they expect the handout. The icing on the cake is when they use all of thier free time getting into some kind of trouble.
In nature, an organism that lives in a system that either does not positively contribute or is detrimental in nature is called a parasite. A parasite is never seen as a good thing.

I know very intellegent people design goverment programs. If this welfare program is such a failure, why does it continue to exist? I have several theories, some mild, some extreme.

Commerce excuse:
We continue to give social benefits to the downtrodden to augment the flow of money. They get money, they consume goods, people have jobs to supply them, and the money flows.

I know for a fact if had some of my own tax money back I would spend it on me. i like stuff and I would buy more. I think everyone would.

Grand Conspiracy theory:
We give welfare so that those demographics become lazy and complacent, it keeps who WE want in change and propetuates OUR superiority.

I could almost buy this one.

Cynics view:
Such a large percentage of the population recieves some sort of social aid that any politician using welfare reform/repeal as a part of thier campaign would be committing career suicide. And most of our legislators are pandering, spineless creeps that are more interested in passing non-laws than trying to make a difference in our country.

BINGO!

I am an optimist at heart. I always hope for the best and try to see the good, but I also prepare for the worst and aknowledge that there is always a downside.

I say let those who cannot help themselves be helped. Those who will not help themselves must be allowed to reap what they sow. They will either find a way to make it, or drown in thier own ocean of apathy and self pity. No honorable mention in the form of a welfare check.

Must make money

To help myself with my money situation AND my overflow of junk, I have decided to have the mother of all yard sales. It will happen in a few weeks and I will be getting rid of everything. That which is not sold will be tossed out.

I find myself drooling over furniture ads. I envision how cool it would be to have those crisp, clean pieces of furniture in my freshly painted and carpeted house. I am now old.

I'm becoming a big fan of making my home a den of creature comforts. This somewhat of a contratiction of my need to live frugally, but I feel a happy medium can be met. I just need to prioritize.

Robyn has been feeling horrible as of late. Dizzy, headaches, nausea, chest pains, and shortness of breath. She felt so bad on Sunday when she dropped by I wouldn't let her leave. She and I both think her blood pressure may be too high. I've been telling her only water, fruits and veggies until she goes to the doctor. It's making her feel better. I think she also likes the fact I'm so concerned over her health. I'm not too sure her boyfriend is showing as much concern. I have no clue as to what's going on there, nor do I really want to. She'll tell soon enough if she's ready. I love her to death, but she will not hold back if she has something to bitch about. Well, she will if she's REALLY mad, even that will pass.

I'm going to do everything I feel my car needs while I still have the cash to do it. I think all that is left is a vacuum leak near the brake booster. I may have to replace the whole thing, but if it works, it will be well worth it. Driving a car that won't idle on its own is a pain. As much as I like my little accord, it makes me hate it to fight it in stop & go traffic. If I do that, it has fresh tires, so I should be good for awhile.

I did a "soft start" to eating healthy today. I had a banana and an apple for breakfast. I might have some chili for dinner. It's cheap, filling & low carb. I like Atkins. I love that diet. It's like getting tricked into weight loss. The only real problem is alot of it you have to plan most of your meals and it requires alot of preparation if you are on the move quite a bit. I didn't want to stop the diet, but new job, and a tumultutous 10 months has made it difficult to just get by, let alone eat healthy.
Any diet that let's you eat bacon, cheese, and sausage and you still lose weight. That's ok with me!

There are a few downsides to atkins.
1. Eating alot of meat is pricey.
2. You HAVE to take vitamins. You need extra potassium too.
3. You must drink half of you body weight in ounces of water everyday.
4. It turns your poop into large, unforgiving, unyeilding, bricks o' pain. I swear I chipped the toilet bowl once.

Other than than the fact I felt like I had pooped a microwave when I didn't get enough water, I felt better than I had pretty much most of my life. I had energy, my temper was under control, I wasn't depressed. It was all good and I really want that back. This time, I will exercise too.

Dear Diary........

On Sunday, Paul & Robyn helped me move my giant aquarium. Thanks. I have a LONG way to go before the house is finished. But she is getting there.

Summer approaches quickly. Soon the money for school will stop coming. This will make my monthly bills difficult. I need supplemental money. My approximate bill breakdown look something like this:

Rent - $259
Lights - $120 *
Water - $50*
Phone - $40
Cell Phone - $65
Internet - $45
Food - $God only knows
Gas -$35
Car Gas - $200 - I still deliver pizza*
Home Insurance - $55*
Car Ins - $95*

*These items are either not a monthly occurence, or I can alter them .

I come up to $964 a month before I ever even eat. The tips from delivering pizza takes care of the gas. That puts me at $764 before food.

Robyn wants me to watch her kids over the summer. She willing to pay $120 a week + food. That will put me in at 480/mo. + my domino's check = about $ 700. Tips would have to be below average for me to not clear all my bills and have about 150-200 a month left over, but this is way less than I'd like to be working with. However, babysitting two well behaved kids affords me other opportunities. I would be free to make costumes all summer. If I could turn just $50 a week profit, which is a very reasonable goal, I could easily make it all happen very easily. Next year, I'm opting for year-round pay.

This will only work if nothing major (bad) happens.

I have found breaking my goals up into bite-sized pieces helps get them done. Here is the current list.

1. Move back into home.....done.

2. Get things organized, one room at a time.......getting there. kitchen is done, Living room is so close it is a non-issue, computer room is good. The back porch and spare bedrooms are both bad, but they will get there, I just have to pack away or throw away for the bedroom. The back porch will be last.

Even though it is difficult to let go of stuff when you are a packrat, there is a sense of releif when it is gone and you have beautiful clear spaces left. I should have a washer/dryer soon. That will make my life easier.

Next will be to get back to my education. It will all come to pass. I WILL take classes at ACC this fall to bridge myself into an education program at a 4 year college. I want to be ready to be a full time student some where by next fall, I will break the land speed record getting my BA and then I can really make some progress in my life.

Anyone can have goals, not everyone has the drive to achieve them.

sometimes........

I wrote a post for two hours today. I felt very good about it. I was going for clean-flowing, cohiesive content, and I felt I had really nailed it. My computer froze I'm distraught.

So no good content for you today. I'll try again tomorrow. Very tired, busy day, blah blah blah......

irony

One of my favorite quotes comes from the back of a type o negative cover. "never mistake lack of talent for genius" This quote gets to me in many ways. I don't know who originally said it, but the implications are deep for me. I think about this alot. Sigmun Frued, Adolf Hitler, and thier ilk. How many of them were just insane? How many people are touched, moved, and influenced by raving lunatics?

a crippled road runner....

I called my local cable company to re-install my internet access on Monday. I was so ready to open a portal of filth into my home. It's now Friday and still no connection. Tuesday it was a bad modem, next day I inspected the lines myself, I need a new line. The line was scorched in the fire at my house this January. I can't get a decent signal. Last night the people didn't come out. They said they tagged my door. Lies, all lies. They gave me a $20 credit to my account. I asked what account? I have be provided a service before I can have an account. I also said if it wasn't fixed today, I would take my buisness elsewhere. I didn't bother to mention I ran up quite a bill with the local DSL provider, and getting service might be tricky at best, it was paid off. I'm not THAT lousy a person. They might still have harsh feelings though.....

It is near the end of the school year, the natives are restless. I could care less, suspensions still send them home. I was told yesterday that if you care too much, it will burn you out. Funny, I really don't think too much about this place when I leave. I know that I have very little to do with these kids personal development. I just get them away from the kids who are behaving so that the others may learn. The ones I'm truely helping, I will never see. In that sense, I guess I'm like a prison guard. I've also noticed that these kids do not respond well to kindness. In thier hard little hearts, kindness is perceived as weakness, a trait I cannot have associated with my character.

I want a motorcycle. I miss riding.

I hope to get the plastic I need to start making my costumes next week. With any luck, I can start making them, put a few on ebay, and get some money rolling in about the time my school checks run out.

I have this weekend to finish getting settled in before they pull the giant dumpster, I hope to get my new washer & dryer soon. I have found that with all that I need to do to get fully moved in, I haven't missed tv or internet access that much. I do miss that internet........

intrest is relative

I now feel apathy will guide me through the darkest days of in-school suspension. I'm not too sure the ones that need my help the most even care about themselves. I often feel like some terrible judge, deciding who must be made an example of in order to maintain class cohiesion. I'd like to think when I try to help them understand, some of it sinks in. I hate that I can't try to stimulate them mentally and try to make them better people. It seems to be that they only respond when I'm being a complete jerk. I guess the cognitive level between preteen and adult is too much of a gap for me to relate.

Example: These kids are very social, what other kids think of them is everything. I stopped caring about the approval of others about 12 years ago and it has made all the difference.

If I were concerned with how they felt about me, I would be ineffective at my job. And I'm more concerned with my paycheck and all the things it provides. I would like to think one day someone will comeback and say they got what I said and it helped them. I'm not holding my breath.

Paul's Van

Paul was kind enough to let me borrow his '72 ford van to move my stuff. I really don't know what to think of it. She be a powerful van, and driving it is like taking an ass whooping, bad brakes, no power steereing, oddly rigged guages, most of which do not work. Oddly enough though, as useful as it is, I wouldn't mind owning it for a cargo van and it makes you overlook the short comings.
I know you'll read this, thanks.
Unfortunately, I never got the last item out of storage, a 7ft + 150 gallon aquarium. I'll either sell it where it is, or call in another favor. I have to bring it home I'll charge double.
I get cable internet today, Whoop! Now I can partake in all the filth the world wide web has to offer once again. Yay me.
Tomorrow marks my return to the role of DM. I'm running a one or two shot D&D game inspired by kung-fu movies. I think it will be fun, but easy. I already had most of the prep work done. Im a major league re-hasher and improviser. I hope they enjoy it. One time I had 3 separate star wars campaigns and I used the same Dark Jedi enemy every time. I wouldn't mind running for awhile.

the spirit of George Carlin compells me........

I spent hours going through boxes, washing dishes, and arranging things and I've only sratched the surface. 31 years of being a pack rat is difficult to beat down. I notice my personal belongings fall into two two distinct categories: stuff & s**t. Stuff is good stuff like clothes I wear, furnture I use, whole things i need or use regularly or will use when the time comes (ie seasonal decoations or my knee braces). S**t is the stuff that has no use. Old magazines, worn out / outgrown clothes, parts to computers I have no intention of using again, hand me down kitch that's not my style, broken things I "might" repair one day. This crap does nothing but choke up living space, looks horrible, and makes you miserable. Sometimes, your posessions own you, not vise versa. I feel that when we hold onto the past too tightly, we miss out on part of the future. Besides, rich, successful people do not horde garbage, thier lives and thier homes are simplified. Thier wold is streamlined as much as possible to make thier way way easy as possible. How hard is it to get out of bed every morning when you have to trudge though last week's newspapers, last night's snacks, and last month's bills? We fight yesterday and let today pile up with it, and that makes tomorrow a struggle.

Pain part 2

I moved all my furniture in almost completely by myself and I'm now in pain. Or should I say I'm very sore? I'm quite happy with the place, and I hope to be finished unpacking soon. I won't be 100% moved in until I have internet access and a washer & dryer.
Today is a teacher workday. This is the day that I love. No kids in here. I hang around all day do pretty much nothing and get paid. The really works out well for me since the rest of the school year I don't even get regular breaks. I have about 20 minutes worth of paperwork left from not doing any for 3 weeks. It will have taken 1 hour & 20 min.
I'm tired, so tired. Even as I type that I know of weeks worth of things I must do to finish my house and I'll be off doing it within the hour. And many miles before I sleep.........

Done

Over the nex week, I'll be moving back in. All will be back to "new normal" soon. I'm so happy.

The frugal life.

I want to learn to live cheap enough that I can enjoy the quality of my life off one job, possibly supplementing my income by selling handmade stuff on Ebay. I want to be able to do things and go places, but not have all my cash lost on living expenses. I will ponder this deeply.

The Home Stretch

All the things the housing inspector turned my house down for has been fixed. if he comes today or tomorrow, I could be In by next Monday. The ceramic tile is setting as we speak and it looks awesome. My dad said "If you don't like the way that floor looks, I didn't raise you right." It was funny to me at any rate.
I see this whole ordeal as a turning point in my life. I want to be neat, organized, and most of all, proud of what I have. I've been thinking about making a formulaic change to my life based on my previous experiece in management. Keep it simple, never stray from what you know, if it's not useful get rid of it.
I'm going to try it and keep both my fans updated on my progress. :-)

....and the Moon holds her sway.

This past Friday,I had a horrible day at work. The kids were restless. I suspended two of them and it did little to control the misbehavior. One of the teachers believed since were were close to a full moon and a storm was forecatsed, it made the kids act up. She says that everything that makes animals skiddish in nature also affect us the same way, we are just not always aware of it. I thought it was a very insightful opinion and I will try to document behavior and weather patterns to see how they corelate.
I have realized that although these kids are growing faster and have more "adult" knowledge than we did at thier age, they are still kids and will (for the most part) be controlled if handled properly. If you attempt to treat them like adults, they will act like wretched adults.
There are so many simple explainations to so many of life's mysteries. I feel we make things too complicated most of the times. The sad part is, most people are so used to having complicated solutions, that simple alternatives seem absurd. I've read forums in the past where a person has to express one thought in a 20 page, master's thiesis style post. I'm not saying I dislike long, thoughful prose. Well, I don't really. Say it, try to be funny and move on.

Joke time:
A priest, a rabbi, and a cowboy all walk into a bar together. The bartender looks up at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

buh-dum-bum

True pain

As I type this, I am sore in ways I had forgotten were possible. I was doing yardwork aound my soon to be completed home. I have always been a neglectful housekeeper. Now that I'm getting a fresh start, I'm wanting to do it right.
I watched the guys laying the ceramic tile do their thing. They were meticulous, friendly, and downright hilarious. I would invite guys like this to a cookout. Great attitudes and their sense of humor would keep things lively for hours.
Now that the last of the "qualifying" work has been completed, I should pass inpection to the point that I can get my lights on this week. If I can do that, I'm putting my bed & computer back and I'll slowly unpack. I'm losing the packrat side of me. I want to minimize the clutter and keep a house that I would be proud to have visitors.
It's really easy to say all this, but I guess I'll know in a week how easy it is too keep up all this new stuff.

Tired

I'm so restless as of late, I find myself very lethargic during the day. My mind constantly returns to my home. I'm so excited to be returning. I love my family and friends, but it's so much nicer when you're not imposed on one another.

I skipped out on my evening job and I may quit altogether. Not enough money, not enough hours and the woman that runs the store is the antichrist. You know, I have no problems working with a female boss, my day job, the principal and assistant principal is a woman and we all get along wonderfully. They appreciate my work and I happily do whatever is asked. I think it has to do with the level of education. Assertive management has nothing to do with yelling, screaming, and gossiping about everyone. As a matter of fact, I think I enjoy the company of intelegent women more than anything else, might be why I have so many woman friends.

I hope to start my costume making today. If I get a good head start, with luck I could get enough money built up to make it through summer. I just need to sell something in such away that nobody else is offering as much at the price and still make a profit. I know I can, but will I be able to pull it off?

Teanative plans for costumes:
Boba & Jango Fett armor
Dr Doom full costume
Medieval Knight in full armor
possibly some warhammer 40k variant
I would like to make a giant (9 foot) robot costume, but I don't know if it will be cost effective to sell.

I want my home back

I should get my power back soon, end of the week. Then the serious preparations to return home. I've been moving all my boxes out of storage and I realized what a packrat I truely am. I got mad garbage that just needs to be tossed. Now rhat the carpet is fresh, walls are new and painted, my furniture will look like shit! Gonna have to fix that.

Robyn got really mad at me yesterday and I don't 100% know why and I never do anymore. I feel like if we can't go about our lives and do what needs to be done and not start a fight , we should part ways once and for all. I hate the thought of it, but may be it's time to move on. I don't feel like I can ever get us back to where we were before I fucked up. Yeah I took her for granted, I made her jump through hoops to be with me. My mom hates her and made it hard to be together. It made her bitter and angry. When I realized what I had done, and tried to make it up, it was too late. She doesn't want to let go and neither do I. I guess you can't fix broken hearts. I'm sorry, I wish I could take it all back, make it better, but it will never happen and she'll never get over it.

I think I'm ready for the next stage in my life. This one has lasted too long.

Hot damn a new Pope!

And the sad part is people are already criticizing him. I got one question for the nay-sayers: Are you Catholic? If yes, well guess what, he's your spiritual leader now, get over it. If no, shut the ---- up you piece of s**t. If you are not a roman catholic, it has very little to do with you. Yes the pope is a powerful political force, but he's not a president, he's not a supreme court justice. And all those cardinals do not give a flying hot d**n what you think and they picked who they though God told them to pick. I think it is great and exciting and I wish the man the best. I would be honored to meet him. I'd love to hear his take his past. Oh, yeah, he MIGHT have been in nazi youth. So ------- what? He was a german during the rise of hitler, they all were, ot they were killed. Do you even have a point about the man, one critical point or flaw in how he did his business in the last FIFTY GOD D*****D YEARS? no? nothing? when he was 11 he was a nazi youth? He's like, over 70, right? get over it. That is the lamest bunch of s**t I have ever heard. He doesn't need it, we don't want to hear it, he's got more important issues to deal with, like current issues. I hope the idiots get over themselves or go to Hell, which ever is easier. Forgive my nastiness in this post.

The long awaited return home.

My house is almost ready to be inhabited again. Today, we are going to start moving my boxes of stuff back and get ready for my blessed return to single living. I might have a cookout. I will definitly celebrate in one form or another. So much to do, so little time to do it.