Next week, I have to be out for two days. One day I have to drive about 45 miles to a training session and the other is in town, but both will have me out all day so I must plan appropriately. The 8th Grade EC assistant will be there in my place and she is very good. In fact, I'd prefer her get the assignment since she gets paid extra for it.
I think I'm doing ok. I'm not sure I'm doing exactly what they want since they can't explain it to me. I learned this week that they will let me know if I am doing it wrong. Good thing it was nothing major...
I still feel as though I should try for law enforcement. I think my heart is there. I think I would like the work more, and it would improve my overall quality of life. There is a certain level of constant stress that teach gives you. It might level off for me and I might change my mind by the end of this school year, but I don't know yet.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
First Year teacher
I have learned a few things since I have started.
1. Many people want to help you succeed, but only a few can. The rest will waste your time endlessly. Find ways to avoid them. The one's that can really help you typically won't approach you.
2. Tune out what you don't get that nobody can explain to you. If it is important, you'll find out soon enough and someone will find you that can explain it.
3. Never put off doing grades! Not even one day if you can help it.
4. Plan a week at a time, maybe two.
5. Over plan your lessons. If you think you have just enough, you don't.
6. Have tomorrow's stuff ready before you leave today. Anything could happen and will.
7. There is no perfect approach. Teaching in a middle school is like trying to herd cats.
8. You will be wrong a lot and the kids will call you on it. Don't let your ego get in the way, they will respect you more if they know you are human.
1. Many people want to help you succeed, but only a few can. The rest will waste your time endlessly. Find ways to avoid them. The one's that can really help you typically won't approach you.
2. Tune out what you don't get that nobody can explain to you. If it is important, you'll find out soon enough and someone will find you that can explain it.
3. Never put off doing grades! Not even one day if you can help it.
4. Plan a week at a time, maybe two.
5. Over plan your lessons. If you think you have just enough, you don't.
6. Have tomorrow's stuff ready before you leave today. Anything could happen and will.
7. There is no perfect approach. Teaching in a middle school is like trying to herd cats.
8. You will be wrong a lot and the kids will call you on it. Don't let your ego get in the way, they will respect you more if they know you are human.
Friday, September 05, 2008
mission accomplished
My dedicated readers know I started my "five-year plan" approach to life five years ago. My goal was to finish college and become a science teacher. I finished college and I am a science teacher. Now what?
My next five year plan is TBA. I became so much more over the past five years. I am more financially responsible, I think I am overall a better person. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am someone I can be proud of.
My next five year plan is TBA. I became so much more over the past five years. I am more financially responsible, I think I am overall a better person. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am someone I can be proud of.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Teaching
I got my first week out of the way. So far so good. I look the part to the kids. Too bad I'm still working on actual mechanics. Teaching is a job you take home with you. It the first thing last thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thought before bed.
The part dealing with the kids is simple for me. The grading, lesson plan designing, meetings and parent contacts are what is most difficult and frustrating.
As a first-year teacher, I will work much harder than my more experienced counterparts for less pay. This much more of a learning experience for me than my students.
I give my all, but I don't know that my heart is in it. I started developing a passion for something else...law enforcement. I must weigh the trade offs before I make another jump. I am here now and I will give these kids my best while I am there. I am still at the fork in the road of life, wondering where it will all take me.
The part dealing with the kids is simple for me. The grading, lesson plan designing, meetings and parent contacts are what is most difficult and frustrating.
As a first-year teacher, I will work much harder than my more experienced counterparts for less pay. This much more of a learning experience for me than my students.
I give my all, but I don't know that my heart is in it. I started developing a passion for something else...law enforcement. I must weigh the trade offs before I make another jump. I am here now and I will give these kids my best while I am there. I am still at the fork in the road of life, wondering where it will all take me.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Coming clean
Tomorrow is my first day as a teacher, and I'm not remotely nervous. I probably should be. I'm in a good spot with everything. The things I don't know, I will figure out, no need to worry about it anymore.
I changed my name back to my birth name. I never did feel comfortable with it. I was promised when I was seven that changing my name to my step-father's would make us more like a real family. I feel like that deal was not kept up on the other end. Love shouldn't ever be conditional. If you decide to disown someone based on life choices that don't effect you, then somebody really needs to re-evaluate their idea of how a family really works and I'm pretty sure I have the right idea.
I changed my name back to my birth name. I never did feel comfortable with it. I was promised when I was seven that changing my name to my step-father's would make us more like a real family. I feel like that deal was not kept up on the other end. Love shouldn't ever be conditional. If you decide to disown someone based on life choices that don't effect you, then somebody really needs to re-evaluate their idea of how a family really works and I'm pretty sure I have the right idea.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Fork in the road
As I stated last post, this past Monday was my return to school/ work. I was a bit depressed, and I felt defeated. Nothing had come of my degree yet and then out of nowhere, I was offered a vacant position teaching science at my school, and I accepted of course. This is the break I've been waiting for.
I'm not deluded into thinking this is a dream. It can quickly become a nightmare. This is the hard part. I also know the only reason I'm tasting this success is because I was their last hope to have a teacher in that position. I guess we all get to see what I'm made of. I am determined to make them realize I should have been their first pick.
I am at a point in my life where I have more comfort and leeway in what happens next. If I hurry, I can still do the BLET in January and possibly be in another dream job come Fall, or I can stay with this for awhile. Mr., or Officer? Which one do I want the most? Either way, thing I want the most is closer to really happening.
I'm not deluded into thinking this is a dream. It can quickly become a nightmare. This is the hard part. I also know the only reason I'm tasting this success is because I was their last hope to have a teacher in that position. I guess we all get to see what I'm made of. I am determined to make them realize I should have been their first pick.
I am at a point in my life where I have more comfort and leeway in what happens next. If I hurry, I can still do the BLET in January and possibly be in another dream job come Fall, or I can stay with this for awhile. Mr., or Officer? Which one do I want the most? Either way, thing I want the most is closer to really happening.
Monday, August 18, 2008
180
Today was my first day at work. It felt like the walk of shame you have to take when you just blew up a public toilet. I wanted a better job before August and it didn't happen. So I returned to work to a ton of surprises. First off, they moved my room to a little dumpy ass-smelling room slightly larger than the janitor's break room. I had no prior warning. I didn't know we had an all-day meeting today and I was late for it. I came in and more than a few people were staring at me like I wasn't supposed to be there. Yep, I was feeling pretty damn awkward.
After a few minutes, I pieced it all together and everything made sense. Out of the loop, downgrading my room after three years without so much as a phone call. It is my turn in the barrel this year. I will get "cold-shouldered" out. Oh well, more incentive to make my possible career in law enforcement happen. They can't break me.
Then I was approached by my boss during our break. The very woman who has only spoken to me six times in five years. I figured I was in deep doo-doo. She asked if I graduated, I said yes. She asked if it was a science degree and I said yes, it is a biology degree. She then explained that one more of our teachers quit and we needed a replacement. The person she hired quit over the weekend. If my stuff lined up, she would recommend me for the spot. This would almost double my pay and make many things I want for myself happen much sooner. I had given up on teaching. I figured I'm not the type and frankly, I'm most likely not and never was. I would be stupid not to take it should it come about...more to come.
After a few minutes, I pieced it all together and everything made sense. Out of the loop, downgrading my room after three years without so much as a phone call. It is my turn in the barrel this year. I will get "cold-shouldered" out. Oh well, more incentive to make my possible career in law enforcement happen. They can't break me.
Then I was approached by my boss during our break. The very woman who has only spoken to me six times in five years. I figured I was in deep doo-doo. She asked if I graduated, I said yes. She asked if it was a science degree and I said yes, it is a biology degree. She then explained that one more of our teachers quit and we needed a replacement. The person she hired quit over the weekend. If my stuff lined up, she would recommend me for the spot. This would almost double my pay and make many things I want for myself happen much sooner. I had given up on teaching. I figured I'm not the type and frankly, I'm most likely not and never was. I would be stupid not to take it should it come about...more to come.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Cheapskater
I have found I am not happy unless I have an active goal or two. One of them is to prepare for the BLET, so I must workout as though it is my religion. The next one is to improve my financial standing. I'm not even in the ballpark of getting a better job for a year or more, so I must conserve what I have.
Much like dieting, you take note of where your money goes and where you can "trim the fat".
Here are a few things I've discovered, and they are no-brainers for the most part, but sometimes, we just don't think and that is where it all goes to Hell.
1. Are you paying for things you can do yourself?
Americans love luxury and convenience. We will pay somebody to do many thing we could do on our own. If you don't have the time, that's one thing. How many of us say "I don't have time" but spend hours a week online or in front of the TV?
Here's a few examples of what I can do for myself:
Tune up car.
Change motor oil.
Paint House.
Cook
Clean
Mow
Computer repair/ upgrade.
Wash car.
Repair flat tires.
You can easily think of many things you can do in your own spare time to save hundreds a year! Just do it your damn self.
2. How often are you eating out?
Eating out is the bank account scourge and should only be done sparingly. Four people eating fast food can start at 30 and go into the hundreds! Careful shopping and meal planning can not only have you eating cheaper, but healthier too.
Example: Going somewhere early? Pack the kids up and go to the nearest fast food place for breakfast you won't get out under $25 for a family of four. With that $25, you can get (where I live): 2 dozen eggs, 2 gallons of milk, a family sized box of Bisquick, two boxes of instant oatmeal, a loaf of bread and a pack of bacon and eat for a week. Even if you eat out once during that week, there is still over $100 weekly. That's just breakfast.
When it comes to eating, there are almost countless ways to cut the cost. Clip coupons, chase sales, buy in bulk...the list goes on and on.
3. Upkeep! Are you tires inflated properly? Is your car tuned up? Are the seals around the doors and windows of your house in good shape? These things can cause all sorts of problems with efficiency. A poorly maintained car drinks more gas, and a leaky house eats up heating and cooling costs. The upkeep will pay for itself.
4. Start early. Getting a late start causes you to drive harder. This puts more strain on your car and eats at the fuel efficiency. Cars get better than their rated mileage, but you have to drive a certain way.
Speaking of starting early, plan ahead too. Many things are cheaper if done in advance. Airline/ hotel reservations, car rentals. None of them will negotiate the day of the rental, many of them will several months in advance.
5. Are you paying for things you can get for free?
Like to read? There are libraries. Most public libraries have movies and music, you just have to wait in line.
How about a gym membership? You pay cash to drive across town to spend 20 minutes on the treadmill. I'll bet there is a road, park, or sidewalk very close to you that is free to use. Every city I know of has some kind of park with fitness equipment.
Anyway my goal is to be dirt cheap and I have a lot of downtime to figure it out.
Much like dieting, you take note of where your money goes and where you can "trim the fat".
Here are a few things I've discovered, and they are no-brainers for the most part, but sometimes, we just don't think and that is where it all goes to Hell.
1. Are you paying for things you can do yourself?
Americans love luxury and convenience. We will pay somebody to do many thing we could do on our own. If you don't have the time, that's one thing. How many of us say "I don't have time" but spend hours a week online or in front of the TV?
Here's a few examples of what I can do for myself:
Tune up car.
Change motor oil.
Paint House.
Cook
Clean
Mow
Computer repair/ upgrade.
Wash car.
Repair flat tires.
You can easily think of many things you can do in your own spare time to save hundreds a year! Just do it your damn self.
2. How often are you eating out?
Eating out is the bank account scourge and should only be done sparingly. Four people eating fast food can start at 30 and go into the hundreds! Careful shopping and meal planning can not only have you eating cheaper, but healthier too.
Example: Going somewhere early? Pack the kids up and go to the nearest fast food place for breakfast you won't get out under $25 for a family of four. With that $25, you can get (where I live): 2 dozen eggs, 2 gallons of milk, a family sized box of Bisquick, two boxes of instant oatmeal, a loaf of bread and a pack of bacon and eat for a week. Even if you eat out once during that week, there is still over $100 weekly. That's just breakfast.
When it comes to eating, there are almost countless ways to cut the cost. Clip coupons, chase sales, buy in bulk...the list goes on and on.
3. Upkeep! Are you tires inflated properly? Is your car tuned up? Are the seals around the doors and windows of your house in good shape? These things can cause all sorts of problems with efficiency. A poorly maintained car drinks more gas, and a leaky house eats up heating and cooling costs. The upkeep will pay for itself.
4. Start early. Getting a late start causes you to drive harder. This puts more strain on your car and eats at the fuel efficiency. Cars get better than their rated mileage, but you have to drive a certain way.
Speaking of starting early, plan ahead too. Many things are cheaper if done in advance. Airline/ hotel reservations, car rentals. None of them will negotiate the day of the rental, many of them will several months in advance.
5. Are you paying for things you can get for free?
Like to read? There are libraries. Most public libraries have movies and music, you just have to wait in line.
How about a gym membership? You pay cash to drive across town to spend 20 minutes on the treadmill. I'll bet there is a road, park, or sidewalk very close to you that is free to use. Every city I know of has some kind of park with fitness equipment.
Anyway my goal is to be dirt cheap and I have a lot of downtime to figure it out.
agony of da feet update
Yesterday, I practiced my new breathing technique while out jogging. We started so late that I couldn't time our intervals, so we decided to run hard and then walk. I really pushed myself and I feel it today. That means I'm not going hard enough usually. Sore means I burnt those muscles and they are sending a message back to the brain saying we need to build up. I can honestly say running works damn near every part of your body and it is hard as Hell when you do it right. Yesterday was a good run and I want more. When January comes around, I will be ready.
Friday, August 15, 2008
the agony of da feet
Yesterday, we were jogging and I was feeling bad. I tripped and scuffed my knee pretty good. I'm pretty sure I've stomped all of the support out of my running shoes, but I can't afford any more right now and unfortunately, my shins hurt some kinda bad right now.
I been reading up about breathing technique. I think I'm getting winded before I'm getting tired. So I'm practicing runner breathing. Basically just breathing with my diaphragm instead of my shoulders.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to do a morning calisthenics program on my running days, just the simple basics. I have to ramp it up if I'm going to be in shape for the BLET. Come week six, I'm going to 4 days of working out. With any luck except bad, I should be close to, if not under 200 lbs. Either way, by this time next year, I'll be in a different, better paying job.
Speaking of which, I'd like to take the next person that says "Money won't fix your problems" and beat them into a bloody pulp. I admit money won't fix all problems, but when you main prolem is you don't have enough money to make it from month to month, yeah, money will fix that one.
I been reading up about breathing technique. I think I'm getting winded before I'm getting tired. So I'm practicing runner breathing. Basically just breathing with my diaphragm instead of my shoulders.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to do a morning calisthenics program on my running days, just the simple basics. I have to ramp it up if I'm going to be in shape for the BLET. Come week six, I'm going to 4 days of working out. With any luck except bad, I should be close to, if not under 200 lbs. Either way, by this time next year, I'll be in a different, better paying job.
Speaking of which, I'd like to take the next person that says "Money won't fix your problems" and beat them into a bloody pulp. I admit money won't fix all problems, but when you main prolem is you don't have enough money to make it from month to month, yeah, money will fix that one.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
the run down
Robyn and I have started a 9 week running program. By the end, you are supposed to be able to run a 5k (3 mile) marathon. I've gotten better already and I'm really excited about the thought of being able to be considered athletic. When the workout equipment I ordered comes, I'm going to start a program and go fairly intense with it. By January when I start BLET, I should be in the best shape of my life.
Friday, August 08, 2008
i'm going through changes
When I started this blog four years ago, I had just finished my Associate's degree, started full-time with the local school system and really wanted to get my teaching degree and be a full-time teacher. Now I have finished my Bachelor's degree, I'm still an in-school suspension coordinator, but I no longer care to be a teacher.
I've looked long and hard about who I want to be as a person, and the school system just doesn't impress me at all. There is a lazy self-importance to most people that work in a school that shows in everything they do. Not only do I feel completely unwanted, I really feel like my job is pointless. Even if I had the ability to make a difference with the kids, I don't have the support of the school. The pay is completely inadequate too.
I guess if I work at it hard enough and long enough, I'll get my comeuppance, but it's been a long time coming.
I've looked long and hard about who I want to be as a person, and the school system just doesn't impress me at all. There is a lazy self-importance to most people that work in a school that shows in everything they do. Not only do I feel completely unwanted, I really feel like my job is pointless. Even if I had the ability to make a difference with the kids, I don't have the support of the school. The pay is completely inadequate too.
I guess if I work at it hard enough and long enough, I'll get my comeuppance, but it's been a long time coming.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
countdown to the BLET
I started jogging last week and I can already notice a difference. I have about 23 weeks before BLET will start and I think I'll be in condition that will exceed thier expectations. When I go back to work, I'm going to re-start weight watchers. With diet and exercise, I should reach several goals all at once.
My money situation is dire. My job sucks ass in the pay department and it won't get better anytime this year, which means several of my goal won't get met. This pisses me off. I've busted my ass to better myself and I want some payoff, but it never comes. Until I get some manner of decent break, I'm just spinning my wheels.
My money situation is dire. My job sucks ass in the pay department and it won't get better anytime this year, which means several of my goal won't get met. This pisses me off. I've busted my ass to better myself and I want some payoff, but it never comes. Until I get some manner of decent break, I'm just spinning my wheels.
Monday, August 04, 2008
nightmare
I dreamed last night that my degree got messed up and I needed more classes to fix it. Then I woke up. Sadly, with the way things worked out, it would be much more than an inconvenience. I would honestly not mind taking a few more criminal justice classes. Besides, the only job prospect I have will not become available to me until next June. Oh well, nothing can be done about it now except to do it and get it over with.
I almost thought about still trying to get a job with the school system and just not doing the licensure classes. I'd lose the job at the end of the school year, but who cares now?
I almost thought about still trying to get a job with the school system and just not doing the licensure classes. I'd lose the job at the end of the school year, but who cares now?
disillusion
I no longer care to be in education. Too little pay, too little reward, and too much bullshit. Working in education is a losing battle, hands down. The people are mostly full of themselves and flock into little gossip groups. We encourage the kids not to be like that. I'm just sick of it all and I don't even want to go back.
Sadly, it's not the kids that have me fed up. The "adults" mostly make me sick. There are a few exceptions, and there are some I'll not soon forget.
My life is taking me in a whole new direction, and I am excited.
Sadly, it's not the kids that have me fed up. The "adults" mostly make me sick. There are a few exceptions, and there are some I'll not soon forget.
My life is taking me in a whole new direction, and I am excited.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
travelling the road to wellness
Since I'll most likely start BLET's in January, I've started getting into shape now so I don't risk injury. Feels like a death march. I've always gone for fitness that appeals to me: weightlifting. That will not help me run a mile. No, I have to take a boot camp-like approach to my fitness goals, namely jogging and calisthenics. In 6 months, I should be in awesome shape. By this time next year, not only should I be in the greatest shape of my life, I should be in the career I plan to retire from. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but that's where I am right now.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Done...for now
July 25th has come and gone. I have completed my current studies. Now the fun part begins.
Monday, July 28, 2008
active file
I was told today I have an "active file" with the poilce department's human resources office. Interesting.....more to come.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
resolve
Ok, the pity party is over. I can't curl into a ball and just give up. Yes, everything that is going wrong sucks. No, I don't think it should be so hard. Bottom line: it is, so quit bitching and work through it.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
And miles to go before I sleep...
Almost done with the first part. All but done with the first step. Now I must choose which path to take next. No matter what I chose, there is still much to give to do to get where I need to be. I'll keep all my options open.
Robyn said something funny to me today. "I thought white guys got all the good brakes." Obviously not. Anyone who thinks different can shove their opinion of "white privilege" and shove it up their ass, right beside their head.
The truth is, I've never gotten a good break in my life. I've been used and abused at every turn. I'm waiting for my turn. I think I've put in a lot of sweat equity to get to where I am, and I'd kind of like to see some return off this.
If I go into law enforcement, I must get into shape before I even begin the training. I am an injury waiting to happen and I know it. Two years ago, I was heavy into weight training and I probably could have conditioned myself to pass a physical test easily.
Good things are around the bend. I can feel it.
Robyn said something funny to me today. "I thought white guys got all the good brakes." Obviously not. Anyone who thinks different can shove their opinion of "white privilege" and shove it up their ass, right beside their head.
The truth is, I've never gotten a good break in my life. I've been used and abused at every turn. I'm waiting for my turn. I think I've put in a lot of sweat equity to get to where I am, and I'd kind of like to see some return off this.
If I go into law enforcement, I must get into shape before I even begin the training. I am an injury waiting to happen and I know it. Two years ago, I was heavy into weight training and I probably could have conditioned myself to pass a physical test easily.
Good things are around the bend. I can feel it.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
hitting pavement
When I didn't get a job last school year, my principal said that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that. I wish I did. I hold out for the proof that I am deluded by my own cynicism. I openly accept the possibility that there may be something greater just beyond our comprehension. A greater purpose or reason that we don't perceive directly. I think people call that god.
The truth is people suffer and die like dogs everyday for no good reason. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Most people must accept there is a better existence after death to keep them from going murderous.
I was born a skeptic and I can't always look past what lies on the surface. If I was made this way, was it a god's doing? Does that mean god has set me up for failure?
I want to embrace a spirituality, and I may search the course of my life to find my inner peace and never find it.
The truth is people suffer and die like dogs everyday for no good reason. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Most people must accept there is a better existence after death to keep them from going murderous.
I was born a skeptic and I can't always look past what lies on the surface. If I was made this way, was it a god's doing? Does that mean god has set me up for failure?
I want to embrace a spirituality, and I may search the course of my life to find my inner peace and never find it.
five days
Five days and I will have almost completed my five-year plan. The only thing not there is the career part. I have no intention at 34 to start a five year get a career plan. This will be a five month plan. I will attempt to go into law enforcement. I have 3-5 months to get into shape while the in-hire process begins. I actually like working out, just getting the time managed to do it. If I want to do this thing, I will.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
home stretch
I have two classes left to attend. One exam and one paper left to turn in. No new job...yet.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Chugging along
I am slowly but surely finishing all of my requirements to graduate. I'll be done with everything by Friday with a week to spare. Now all I have to do is get a job.
I'm most likely going to leave the school system if possible. I no longer care to be in education. I like the kids, but I despise how I've been treated by the adults. I think I'll write a bit longer on that at a later date. Either way, a fresh start in a new career field will do me a world of good. The next one will most likely be the one I retire from.
I'm most likely going to leave the school system if possible. I no longer care to be in education. I like the kids, but I despise how I've been treated by the adults. I think I'll write a bit longer on that at a later date. Either way, a fresh start in a new career field will do me a world of good. The next one will most likely be the one I retire from.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
What a 4th...
There were a lot of first times for me this past week. I camped in someone's back yard. I attended a 3-day July 4th cookout. I watched a whole pig get roasted on an outdoor spit overnight. I watched a movie outside projected on the side of a garage. I went to a liquor store that was about the size of a grocery store.
I realized how small and broken my life really is, but that is a good thing. I now know what I expect from myself. I know how I want to be.
I realized how small and broken my life really is, but that is a good thing. I now know what I expect from myself. I know how I want to be.
The Goldwing Journal
I have had the bike for awhile now and I haven't been able to ride. I've just been that busy. I've fixed it to the point it is road worthy but I haven't been able to go out on it yet. :-(
This Winter I will paint it and make it all pretty and see where we can go from there. I think...THINK my goal is to end up with a Harley Road King. That is my idea of awesome in action. That sad part being I've never ridden one, so I don't know if I will like it. We shall see.
This Winter I will paint it and make it all pretty and see where we can go from there. I think...THINK my goal is to end up with a Harley Road King. That is my idea of awesome in action. That sad part being I've never ridden one, so I don't know if I will like it. We shall see.
3 to go
I'm almost done. I only have a bit more work to do. One test, one project paper, one 8-page report, three book reports, and one 10-week journal to complete. Sounds rough, but I can do it. In fact, I'm just limbering up my "writer's mind" so I can start doing two of them today.
A position came open at the school I work at according to the schol system website, but the principal swears it was a mistake and that was an old posting. To be honest, sometimes I really don't know why I'm fighting so hard for a job that doesn't really want me, doesn't pay well, and I'll have to take more classes out-of-pocket to make it happen. It just seem like they expect an awful damn lot for so little in return. Granted, after about 5-10 years, you make more than you can going to another field, but really? Summers off and no holidays make it a tasty possibility. Money isn't everything, but if you don't have it, nothing else will come about.
So here I sit, weighing trade-offs and wondering what might come of it all.
A position came open at the school I work at according to the schol system website, but the principal swears it was a mistake and that was an old posting. To be honest, sometimes I really don't know why I'm fighting so hard for a job that doesn't really want me, doesn't pay well, and I'll have to take more classes out-of-pocket to make it happen. It just seem like they expect an awful damn lot for so little in return. Granted, after about 5-10 years, you make more than you can going to another field, but really? Summers off and no holidays make it a tasty possibility. Money isn't everything, but if you don't have it, nothing else will come about.
So here I sit, weighing trade-offs and wondering what might come of it all.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
the road of life
Life is a journey, not a destination. I've been traveling with purpose these past few years more so than ever. Too bad for me my life's highway is paved with broken dreams and shit. My broken dreams and everyone else's shit no less.
It is almost impossible to secure a teaching position this Fall despite my hard work. If I had graduated in May...who knows. If I get a job, it will be at the last minute when schools are like "OH SHIT! HIRE A WARM BODY BEFORE THE STUDENTS GET HERE!". It will be a horrible school and I'll not enjoy it at all. How am I so sure? Good teachers get hired at good schools. They don't go to schools that are horrible because they can choose to go to schools where they can get the biggest bonus check for all the little angels passing. The politics of public education usually stomps the idealism out of teachers by their second or third year. By the fourth or fifth year it's usually too late to do anything else. I had no idealism to start with, I just like the job for what it is.
July 25 will come. I will graduate. I kind of hoped it would be better on the other side of an education.
It is almost impossible to secure a teaching position this Fall despite my hard work. If I had graduated in May...who knows. If I get a job, it will be at the last minute when schools are like "OH SHIT! HIRE A WARM BODY BEFORE THE STUDENTS GET HERE!". It will be a horrible school and I'll not enjoy it at all. How am I so sure? Good teachers get hired at good schools. They don't go to schools that are horrible because they can choose to go to schools where they can get the biggest bonus check for all the little angels passing. The politics of public education usually stomps the idealism out of teachers by their second or third year. By the fourth or fifth year it's usually too late to do anything else. I had no idealism to start with, I just like the job for what it is.
July 25 will come. I will graduate. I kind of hoped it would be better on the other side of an education.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
choices
I am at a crossroad. I graduate soon and I'm pretty sure where I go is where I'll be until end of my career days. It's either state or private sector. If I choose state, I can either stay in education or go into law enforcement. Either way, I keep my state employee benefits. If I do private sector, I start all over again with my retirement. Anything other school will pay more, but I won't get Summers off and that means a lot to me. Everything is a trade off with its own set of sacrifices and perks. In 10 weeks I'll be done with school, and I must figure out in a few short weeks what path the rest of my life will take. Big fun. w00t.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
interview blues
I am a good interviewer, but I didn't do as well as I had hoped. I go in to interview for physical science and I wind up being asked if I could do physics too. The answer is no I can't.
I remember how good I felt when I was offered two positions when I first started working here. I could do ISS here, or be a TA at another middle school. I picked this one because I felt I could make a name for myself. I didn't realize I'd be put in a room far away from everyone and become at best an afterthought. I like how all schools like to say "we're a big family here" I come from a big family. I am the bastard step-child that is tolerated. The grandparents that loved me died years ago. I'm never visited or spoken to, just treated as an afterthought. I get invited to everything second-hand I only know a few people at family reunions.
I've only in the past year started learning what a real family is supposed to be like. I take a lot of my mannerisms and such from my biological father's side. Maybe that's why I'm disliked so much. I only ever wanted to belong. Is that so wrong? All I have is thirty years of regrets, guilt trips, hard feelings, and isolation. Thirty years of broken promises and shattered dreams, let downs and screw-overs... and I'm tired, so tired of all that.
I remember how good I felt when I was offered two positions when I first started working here. I could do ISS here, or be a TA at another middle school. I picked this one because I felt I could make a name for myself. I didn't realize I'd be put in a room far away from everyone and become at best an afterthought. I like how all schools like to say "we're a big family here" I come from a big family. I am the bastard step-child that is tolerated. The grandparents that loved me died years ago. I'm never visited or spoken to, just treated as an afterthought. I get invited to everything second-hand I only know a few people at family reunions.
I've only in the past year started learning what a real family is supposed to be like. I take a lot of my mannerisms and such from my biological father's side. Maybe that's why I'm disliked so much. I only ever wanted to belong. Is that so wrong? All I have is thirty years of regrets, guilt trips, hard feelings, and isolation. Thirty years of broken promises and shattered dreams, let downs and screw-overs... and I'm tired, so tired of all that.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
the interview
Today I am interviewing for a high school science position. I am a little nervous, but I feel good. I have found the trick to interviewing is to go in there like you already have a job lined up, but you'd like to get the one you are at. You act like you are going to win no matter what he/ she decides. I feel comfortable and confident and they like that.
I dreamed last night that I was going to land the job. I dreamed I wasn't going to be at my current job anymore. After four years, my heart in no longer here. I just don't feel wanted anymore. I've never really felt a part of anything here, but that probably has more to do with me than anything else. All I know is there is no job for me here, and there in no prospect for one either. Nobody has even mentioned the idea of me moving up here and it kinda hurts. It feels like I have been keeping someone else's seat warm. I could probably stay here for the next 30 years, but the rest of my dreams will never be realized if I do, so I must go.
These are my kids and have been and I'll miss them, but my future wife and step-children need me too.
In my life, I have only regretted leaving two jobs, the one where I worked as a driver for handicapped people, and the pizza job I quit to go back to school. I don't regret my reasoning, the van job paid nothing and I was tired of making nothing. I couldn't go back to school with that pizza job, and I wanted to be educated more than anything.
Here, I'm happy. I like the people, and I like the kids. But I have to make more money and there is no place for me here anymore. I will miss it. I feel at home here.
I guess in August, I'll have to make myself at home in a new place. The 08-09 year will bear witness to some of the most drastic changes of my life.
Hold on, it will be an interesting ride.
I dreamed last night that I was going to land the job. I dreamed I wasn't going to be at my current job anymore. After four years, my heart in no longer here. I just don't feel wanted anymore. I've never really felt a part of anything here, but that probably has more to do with me than anything else. All I know is there is no job for me here, and there in no prospect for one either. Nobody has even mentioned the idea of me moving up here and it kinda hurts. It feels like I have been keeping someone else's seat warm. I could probably stay here for the next 30 years, but the rest of my dreams will never be realized if I do, so I must go.
These are my kids and have been and I'll miss them, but my future wife and step-children need me too.
In my life, I have only regretted leaving two jobs, the one where I worked as a driver for handicapped people, and the pizza job I quit to go back to school. I don't regret my reasoning, the van job paid nothing and I was tired of making nothing. I couldn't go back to school with that pizza job, and I wanted to be educated more than anything.
Here, I'm happy. I like the people, and I like the kids. But I have to make more money and there is no place for me here anymore. I will miss it. I feel at home here.
I guess in August, I'll have to make myself at home in a new place. The 08-09 year will bear witness to some of the most drastic changes of my life.
Hold on, it will be an interesting ride.
Monday, May 12, 2008
winding down
School (work) is almost done for another year. Four more weeks. All I really need to do is catch up my paperwork, which really isn't far behind and just coast to the end.
I'm starting my interviews this week, so I hope something good will come of it. I've always been pretty good with interviews, so we'll see.
I'm going to start exercising again soon. It makes me feel good and I need plenty of that. I'd also like to drop some of the lard. My goal is to drop under 200, but I have been stagnant in that recently. Finishing these two hard classes was my main concern.
The Cadillac diaries are done. I traded it for a Goldwing. If I decide to really work on it, I'll make a Goldwing journal.
I'm starting my interviews this week, so I hope something good will come of it. I've always been pretty good with interviews, so we'll see.
I'm going to start exercising again soon. It makes me feel good and I need plenty of that. I'd also like to drop some of the lard. My goal is to drop under 200, but I have been stagnant in that recently. Finishing these two hard classes was my main concern.
The Cadillac diaries are done. I traded it for a Goldwing. If I decide to really work on it, I'll make a Goldwing journal.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
test
This is a test to see if using this asus eee would irritate me to death typing on it. I'll have to see. I might could do this.
Paul bought the base model one and is letting me give it a whirl. So far so good. A bit tiny though... I feel like I'm typing on a toy. The barbie pc... LET'S ORDER SHOES ONLINE!!!
I kinda like this. Built in wireless, fairly useful tool. Might just get me one.
Paul bought the base model one and is letting me give it a whirl. So far so good. A bit tiny though... I feel like I'm typing on a toy. The barbie pc... LET'S ORDER SHOES ONLINE!!!
I kinda like this. Built in wireless, fairly useful tool. Might just get me one.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
all but the crying...
I passed all my required classes. My course work for my major is complete. I did about what I expected. On my best day I'm a "B" student and I gave "A" effort on two very hard classes at the same time, so I squeaked out with a "C" on both. I'll have 3 VERY easy classes to make up my GPA, so it's all good.
I'm grateful to all the people who helped me along the way. Offered me support, encouragement, and understanding through this crucial turning point my life. I am a different person than when I started.
I've started putting out feelers for a new job. As much as I love the people and the kids at my school, I don't think I can stay anymore.
The only question is: "What next?"
I'm grateful to all the people who helped me along the way. Offered me support, encouragement, and understanding through this crucial turning point my life. I am a different person than when I started.
I've started putting out feelers for a new job. As much as I love the people and the kids at my school, I don't think I can stay anymore.
The only question is: "What next?"
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
tonight, tonight.....
My last "big exam" is tonight. I should be panicked, but I am calm. I think I am entering "the zone"where it feels like everything is coming at me in slow motion. I feel a heightened state of awareness. My whole life's plans are dependent on the results of this last exam. I feel like I am the eye of the hurricane, the calm center of an unstoppable force of nature. Nothing is in my way that won't be cast aside.
And now, the last hurdle before the finish line...
And now, the last hurdle before the finish line...
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
the writing on the wall
When someone tells you to "read the writing on the wall", it typically spells impending doom. It comes from the Bible where a king ransacked a Jewish temple and used the gold and silver objects in very non-spiritual ways.
I mentioned that I wasn't too sure I was wanted at my job to a respected coworker and he said I was a very perceptive person and I should take care of myself regardless of loyalty.
I say to Hell with all of them. I'm going for the money and what ever is best for me. I need to stop thinking about the team. I'm a free agent and it's damn time I started acting that way.
I mentioned that I wasn't too sure I was wanted at my job to a respected coworker and he said I was a very perceptive person and I should take care of myself regardless of loyalty.
I say to Hell with all of them. I'm going for the money and what ever is best for me. I need to stop thinking about the team. I'm a free agent and it's damn time I started acting that way.
Monday, May 05, 2008
The gauntlet
2 exams down, 1 left. I passed one, hence I passed Cell Bio. I'm pretty sure I did quite well in tonight's lab exam for A&P2. Now for the last one. I cool my brain tonight a study like a demon for the two days.
July 25th...
July 25th...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Strain
Friday is the first of my three finals. I have to make a 45% or better to pass, so I'm in good shape. If I nail my A&P2 lab quiz, I'll need a 50 or better to get through, so I'm worried a little, but I'm still in great shape.
Right now, it's almost like the entire world around me is subtly bending to my goals so that they are met.
I am so tired, but I have mile to go before I sleep.
Right now, it's almost like the entire world around me is subtly bending to my goals so that they are met.
I am so tired, but I have mile to go before I sleep.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
the kindest cut
Last night I shaved my beard off. Why? Jobs. If you look like a biker, don't expect any interviews to go well. The kids almost cried, they think I look cool, and I agree, but this is for the greater good.
I've heard that doing things like that releases energy. Years ago, Lenny Kravitz had long, long dreadlocks for the majority of his career, his ex-wife said he should cut his hair before he started his next project, he said he was thinking about it, but she insisted he do it right then and when with him to get his hair cut. The result? His HUGE comeback album. Coincidence? Maybe. Perhaps these thing give us purpose and focus and we put the energy we were holding back into whatever we were doing to get that big push.
I need a big push. This is my last week for studying before the most crucial exams of my life. I need all the extra energy of mind, body, and spirit I can muster between here and there.
Then I'll start on the hard part.
I've heard that doing things like that releases energy. Years ago, Lenny Kravitz had long, long dreadlocks for the majority of his career, his ex-wife said he should cut his hair before he started his next project, he said he was thinking about it, but she insisted he do it right then and when with him to get his hair cut. The result? His HUGE comeback album. Coincidence? Maybe. Perhaps these thing give us purpose and focus and we put the energy we were holding back into whatever we were doing to get that big push.
I need a big push. This is my last week for studying before the most crucial exams of my life. I need all the extra energy of mind, body, and spirit I can muster between here and there.
Then I'll start on the hard part.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
books, sweat, and tears...
Here it is. The last major push of the semester. All I have to do is pass in two weeks and it's all downhill from there. I'm so tired, but I'm going out full blast because there's no turning back. The light at the end of the tunnel is in sight and I can see clear through now. Two weeks and the worst is over. Twelve weeks and I have my degree. From there.....I'll worry about it when I'm done with the tests.
July 25th...
July 25th...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
on death
Last night I went to the morgue as part of my A&P2 class to get to view a body. Yep. There are certain things that one you see them, they cannot be unseen. When it comes to a morgue visit, that includes smell and feel. I picked up a human brain, held a cross section of cancer-ridden liver and put my hand inside of the chest cavity of a cadaver.
The coroner explained that it was a female (obvious) about the age of 54. She had fallen and hit her head, causing a brain injury from which she died. She had no children or insurance, so the family couldn't afford to bury her, and there she was, a donated body on a slab. He said he'll keep her about another year before she get cremated. I felt bad for her in a way, but she is there so that people like me might learn. A pre-med student could learn basic anatomy off her body, and later use that to save who knows how many lives. Her life may have been sad, and ended even worse, but her contribution to society on that cold slab may be incredible. Makes me wish there was an afterlife where they kept a tally of the footprint you leave.
Yeah? The guy that cured cancer? I was his med-school cadaver! How cool is that?
The coroner explained that it was a female (obvious) about the age of 54. She had fallen and hit her head, causing a brain injury from which she died. She had no children or insurance, so the family couldn't afford to bury her, and there she was, a donated body on a slab. He said he'll keep her about another year before she get cremated. I felt bad for her in a way, but she is there so that people like me might learn. A pre-med student could learn basic anatomy off her body, and later use that to save who knows how many lives. Her life may have been sad, and ended even worse, but her contribution to society on that cold slab may be incredible. Makes me wish there was an afterlife where they kept a tally of the footprint you leave.
Yeah? The guy that cured cancer? I was his med-school cadaver! How cool is that?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
3 weeks left
And only two really count. Tomorrow, I go to the morgue for A&P2. But this is the last stretch until finals in 3 weeks. I must make C's in everything to pass. If I pass this set of exams, I'm good for Summer graduation. I must focus like a sniper on my target.
July 25, I'm coming dead at you.
July 25, I'm coming dead at you.
damnit one more try.....
Diet went in the toilet after one week. I'll start fresh tomorrow. If not, next week I go back to Atkins and them maybe switch to a better balanced plan once I get where I need to be.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
re-focus
I'm taking a bit of time to myself before I go full-on for the last of three. Two down and I did better than I expected on the first, and I know I did well on the middle. Exam three will be most crucial. After that one is in, I'll know where I stand. As of now I'm standing pretty good.
Last year I was derailed by a horrible case of strep throat that I let get out of control. Now my throat has been bothering me for a bit off and on for about a month. Can't tell if I've been snoring or if it's allergies or what but I told Robyn last night and she told me not to even play around and get my ass to the doctor. I agree with her. I'll go this week if it doesn't stop bothering me after my last exam. Maybe I'll go on a day she has off and we can make a lunch date of it. I'll talking to you, Robyn. ;-)
I'll will say this, I've changed from this experience. I'm more focused than I've ever been in my life. I'm more determined and level-headed. I feel like a different person. People mean more to me (certain people, anyway). Life means more to me.
During my five-year plan to better myself, life has taken many unexpected turns. I started all this for very different reasons. Now I see myself at the end of the first of probably many five-year plans. I realize now the thing I wanted more than anything, is the one thing I had all along.
Last year I was derailed by a horrible case of strep throat that I let get out of control. Now my throat has been bothering me for a bit off and on for about a month. Can't tell if I've been snoring or if it's allergies or what but I told Robyn last night and she told me not to even play around and get my ass to the doctor. I agree with her. I'll go this week if it doesn't stop bothering me after my last exam. Maybe I'll go on a day she has off and we can make a lunch date of it. I'll talking to you, Robyn. ;-)
I'll will say this, I've changed from this experience. I'm more focused than I've ever been in my life. I'm more determined and level-headed. I feel like a different person. People mean more to me (certain people, anyway). Life means more to me.
During my five-year plan to better myself, life has taken many unexpected turns. I started all this for very different reasons. Now I see myself at the end of the first of probably many five-year plans. I realize now the thing I wanted more than anything, is the one thing I had all along.
Friday, April 11, 2008
focus
Why write when I should be studying? Focus. When I hit my saturation point, I refocus by writing. In 12 hours it will all be over for this exam and I have to begin on the next one. I'm feeling pretty solid on most all of it. As long as he doesn't focus on what I don't know, I should do very well.
I want a diploma come July 25th. Time to earn it.
I want a diploma come July 25th. Time to earn it.
tiring pace
I've finished one of three exams and I'm taking a short break from the books for #2. This is very mentally draining. I'm disappointed with my first exam, I know I'll do much better on #2. The third is crucial that I pass. The pressure is building, but I have to make it. Everything rides on this and my ability to pull through. 4 weeks left...time to break out the keg of whoop-ass.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
The Last Push
Four weeks to go. These next two will be the hardest by far. 3 exams back-to-back. One tonight, one Saturday morning, and one Tuesday night.
I'm pumped.
I'm primed.
I'm as ready as I'm going to get for #1.
I'll be ready for #2 come Saturday, but I still have work to do yet.
It all comes down to this.
Wish me luck.
I'm pumped.
I'm primed.
I'm as ready as I'm going to get for #1.
I'll be ready for #2 come Saturday, but I still have work to do yet.
It all comes down to this.
Wish me luck.
Back on
I've not been fighting "the losing battle" for awhile. I made great progress with 30 pounds from mid-October to February. School and such has kept me from keeping my eye on the prize. I've gained 5 pounds since February, so now I must refocus on my goal of getting under 200 by the end of the school year.
On June 6th, my 34th birthday, I want to weigh under 200.
To do this I must:
Get back on my diet and cut back on splurges.
Exercise 3 times a week.
I bet I could lose most of it in the first month. I know what must be done, and it will happen.
I'm not waiting until Monday for a "fresh start", I'm starting NOW.
On June 6th, my 34th birthday, I want to weigh under 200.
To do this I must:
Get back on my diet and cut back on splurges.
Exercise 3 times a week.
I bet I could lose most of it in the first month. I know what must be done, and it will happen.
I'm not waiting until Monday for a "fresh start", I'm starting NOW.
dark day
It has been my goal for the past 5 years to get my BA degree and get into a career. At first I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted more for myself. Then I fell into education. I started out by being a part-time substitute teacher to pay my way through school while I was getting my AA degree and I loved it. I wound up working full time at a middle school as an In-School Suspension Coordinator. After two years of trials and tribulations, I made it back to college. I’ve been at Guilford College for two years working on a Forensic Biology degree and I am so close to finishing that it very essence saturates every pore and overwhelms all my senses. I just have felt like everything was coming together.
Until last week…
As I was looking at job openings for my school system, my school posted an opening for a science teacher and I became elated. I couldn’t wait to talk to my principal to re-emphasize my eagerness to fill that position. She said that she had already filled the position and my heart hit the floor. Who? Our 8th grade math teacher was offering to step down to 7th grade science to fill the position so that her student teacher could have a job here. The fact that she gave a kind of laugh made me feel like more of an afterthought than before. Yes, the girl is talented, and more personable than I am, and yes, math is more in demand than science. I understand why it was done the way it was done, but my four years of loyalty and hard work meant nothing and that cuts deep and makes me question everything about myself.
I don’t think I’m a priority anywhere or in any facet of my life. I’m not saying that my life is all that horrible, because it’s not. But I have never in my life caught a good break and I get mad as Hell sometimes thinking about how much I struggle for things other people just have and have nicer and more of it than I do.
I don’t want to understand.
I don’t want to count my blessings.
I don’t want to grin and bear it.
I want to slap every kid that can’t behave in public.
I want stomp a mud hole in every parent that doesn’t give a damn about his or her children.
I want to call out everyone who blames everyone for their problems except themselves.
I want every millionaire that made their fortunes exploiting people, never giving back, and destroying quality of life stripped of their worldly possession and thrown into prison.
I want a giant tsunami to wipe all the trashy, over-priced beach resorts away that made it impossible for poor people to ever have a good vacation.
I want to cause pain with my thoughts
My blood is like fire and my wrath is white-hot.
Oh well, I feel better now. Back to studying.
*disclaimer*
These statements are simply creative expressions not to be interpreted as threats of violence towards any person. I do not condone violence towards others. Take what you can from it, examine yourself and use that energy to create something positive in your life. If you can only express yourself or vent frustration through physical violence, buy a punching bag get a great workout, and harm none.
Thank You.
Until last week…
As I was looking at job openings for my school system, my school posted an opening for a science teacher and I became elated. I couldn’t wait to talk to my principal to re-emphasize my eagerness to fill that position. She said that she had already filled the position and my heart hit the floor. Who? Our 8th grade math teacher was offering to step down to 7th grade science to fill the position so that her student teacher could have a job here. The fact that she gave a kind of laugh made me feel like more of an afterthought than before. Yes, the girl is talented, and more personable than I am, and yes, math is more in demand than science. I understand why it was done the way it was done, but my four years of loyalty and hard work meant nothing and that cuts deep and makes me question everything about myself.
I don’t think I’m a priority anywhere or in any facet of my life. I’m not saying that my life is all that horrible, because it’s not. But I have never in my life caught a good break and I get mad as Hell sometimes thinking about how much I struggle for things other people just have and have nicer and more of it than I do.
I don’t want to understand.
I don’t want to count my blessings.
I don’t want to grin and bear it.
I want to slap every kid that can’t behave in public.
I want stomp a mud hole in every parent that doesn’t give a damn about his or her children.
I want to call out everyone who blames everyone for their problems except themselves.
I want every millionaire that made their fortunes exploiting people, never giving back, and destroying quality of life stripped of their worldly possession and thrown into prison.
I want a giant tsunami to wipe all the trashy, over-priced beach resorts away that made it impossible for poor people to ever have a good vacation.
I want to cause pain with my thoughts
My blood is like fire and my wrath is white-hot.
Oh well, I feel better now. Back to studying.
*disclaimer*
These statements are simply creative expressions not to be interpreted as threats of violence towards any person. I do not condone violence towards others. Take what you can from it, examine yourself and use that energy to create something positive in your life. If you can only express yourself or vent frustration through physical violence, buy a punching bag get a great workout, and harm none.
Thank You.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
not nice today
After sleeping on a pillow of tear-soaked losing lottery tickets last night, I dreadfully awoke and came to my weekend job.
I work at a service station (gas, oil changes, car inspections, tire repairs, etc.). I tend to work alone more often than not. While working here does help me continue on working towards my degree, it also makes me very anti-social. I realize that people ask questions that I can't answer to their satisfaction. In fact people do all sorts of things I can't believe. Here's a few:
1. customer "Yeah, I want _________ exactly where are you located, or tell me what you are near?"
me "Yes sir, we are located at **** South ****** St. in west Burlington. We are between ***** and ******* streets. We're across the street from ******** (a local landmark) and right beside **********, the old abandoned steak house (also a local landmark)."
customer "Yeah... I'm new to the area, I don't know where any of that is, can you be more specific?"
me "....."
That happens no fewer than 12 times a day. How can I tell you where I am if you have no idea where you are?
2. me "Sir? Yes, your inspection is done. I'm sorry but your car (a 12 year-old economy car with 295,000 miles that is literally bleeding to death in the bay, it smells of filth and is completely trashed) failed to pass due to the things listed here. This is what it will cost for me to fix them, and you'll be able to get your inspection sticker."
customer "Well, ain't never noticed this before!"
How often do grossly fat people do a "look over" inspection of their car? I can only assume he thought his $500 rolling dirty bomb was supposed to last forever.
3. Customer pulls up to "full service" gas pumps and waits.
me "Yes ma'am?"
customer "Yes, please check my fluid levels under the hood."
me (after looking it over) "Yes ma'am, you're a little low on oil, what grade do you prefer?"
customer "Oh, it's too expensive here, I'll put some it in later."
me "..."
You know, we tend to only offer service to paying customers. Sorry, but it's kind of how businesses stay open.
Moving Van rental.
Customer returns after having the van 5 hours. "This van is a piece of crap! I want a refund!"
me "..."
Customer "Well?"
me "You had it for FIVE hours and there is 100 miles on it."
Customer "So?"
me "It took 5 hours and 100 mile to realize it was junk? That's just about a full move, so no, I can't refund anything. If fact you owe me more money. If you are unhappy with the vehicle, we need to know before you leave, at the very least before 100 miles and five hours."
Customer then leaves in a huff.
And you wonder why the guy at the station is such a grump.
I work at a service station (gas, oil changes, car inspections, tire repairs, etc.). I tend to work alone more often than not. While working here does help me continue on working towards my degree, it also makes me very anti-social. I realize that people ask questions that I can't answer to their satisfaction. In fact people do all sorts of things I can't believe. Here's a few:
1. customer "Yeah, I want _________ exactly where are you located, or tell me what you are near?"
me "Yes sir, we are located at **** South ****** St. in west Burlington. We are between ***** and ******* streets. We're across the street from ******** (a local landmark) and right beside **********, the old abandoned steak house (also a local landmark)."
customer "Yeah... I'm new to the area, I don't know where any of that is, can you be more specific?"
me "....."
That happens no fewer than 12 times a day. How can I tell you where I am if you have no idea where you are?
2. me "Sir? Yes, your inspection is done. I'm sorry but your car (a 12 year-old economy car with 295,000 miles that is literally bleeding to death in the bay, it smells of filth and is completely trashed) failed to pass due to the things listed here. This is what it will cost for me to fix them, and you'll be able to get your inspection sticker."
customer "Well, ain't never noticed this before!"
How often do grossly fat people do a "look over" inspection of their car? I can only assume he thought his $500 rolling dirty bomb was supposed to last forever.
3. Customer pulls up to "full service" gas pumps and waits.
me "Yes ma'am?"
customer "Yes, please check my fluid levels under the hood."
me (after looking it over) "Yes ma'am, you're a little low on oil, what grade do you prefer?"
customer "Oh, it's too expensive here, I'll put some it in later."
me "..."
You know, we tend to only offer service to paying customers. Sorry, but it's kind of how businesses stay open.
Moving Van rental.
Customer returns after having the van 5 hours. "This van is a piece of crap! I want a refund!"
me "..."
Customer "Well?"
me "You had it for FIVE hours and there is 100 miles on it."
Customer "So?"
me "It took 5 hours and 100 mile to realize it was junk? That's just about a full move, so no, I can't refund anything. If fact you owe me more money. If you are unhappy with the vehicle, we need to know before you leave, at the very least before 100 miles and five hours."
Customer then leaves in a huff.
And you wonder why the guy at the station is such a grump.
Monday, March 24, 2008
7 weeks and counting
My next cell bio exam will be on DNA. I'm pretty darn good at DNA, so I'm not worrying too much.
I have to really hit the books hard in A&P2, but it is all mostly review for me. My goal for the next three weeks is to hit the books hard and give myself a little wiggle room in the grades.
The stress level is very high at the moment. I really don't think I could deal with too much more. After this semester, it's all down hill.
I have to really hit the books hard in A&P2, but it is all mostly review for me. My goal for the next three weeks is to hit the books hard and give myself a little wiggle room in the grades.
The stress level is very high at the moment. I really don't think I could deal with too much more. After this semester, it's all down hill.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
the longest mile.......
Starting tomorrow begins the 8-week stretch to the end of Spring term. I have the last half of Cell Bio and A&P2. No doubt the hardest two classes in the curriculum. I will have to study intently nearly every day between here and May 7th to pull it off. I've come too far to balk at the obstacle now.
This experience has changed me. I try to do thing to the finish now, not just "good enough". I find myself going a little crazy when I have nothing to do. I am obsessed with doing things the right way. I know more about where and what my limits are. I thought I knew what was important and what made me happy. Now I know.
I've recently discovered my credit situation is far worse than I imagined. And it was very bad then. I intend on taking very swift action to rectify the situation.
My diet is in the tank. I can't seem to control myself outside of work, and I eat like a fool when I'm eating out. I also have not began my exercise again, but the weather is getting better all the time and I can be more active.
Things are going to be hard, but I refuse to accept anything less than success.
This experience has changed me. I try to do thing to the finish now, not just "good enough". I find myself going a little crazy when I have nothing to do. I am obsessed with doing things the right way. I know more about where and what my limits are. I thought I knew what was important and what made me happy. Now I know.
I've recently discovered my credit situation is far worse than I imagined. And it was very bad then. I intend on taking very swift action to rectify the situation.
My diet is in the tank. I can't seem to control myself outside of work, and I eat like a fool when I'm eating out. I also have not began my exercise again, but the weather is getting better all the time and I can be more active.
Things are going to be hard, but I refuse to accept anything less than success.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
good times
Life is rough right now, but I'm pretty happy with the way things are going. My diet has been for crap recently, but that's all good too. Things are looking up. By this time next year, I'll be better that ever.
This the first time in my life I have no regrets for my actions. Feels pretty damn good.
This the first time in my life I have no regrets for my actions. Feels pretty damn good.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
bad kid
About once every year, we have at least one truly rotten kid come along at my school. I mean truly, to the core, evil. I'm not using the word lightly either. When kids like that come along, they jar your very belief system. They make me question; "Why the Hell do I do this?" I sometime seriously ponder other careers. I don't know if it's because they make me realize my authority over them is an illusion, because I truly can't "make" them do anything they are not willing to do. Maybe that bothers me a little... okay, it bothers me a lot and I need an answer to the question I keep asking myself. If all I do can't help kids that need our help that badly. Why bother? I need the answer to that more than I need the bachelors' degree I'm working on to continue this career path. Why put myself through that?
The answer is he's only one. For one kid like that, we have one hundred good ones that I can manage, that listen, that remind me how good they really are and how much hope there still is left. That one bad kid doesn't deserve that much of my thought. I'll be concerned about the kid who wants to listen, the child that wants better, and is tired of the bad kids.
The evil one, I can't help him, but there are 600 every year that need me and I need them too. He needs me too, but he'll not realize how much we have to offer until it's too late, if ever at all.
The answer is he's only one. For one kid like that, we have one hundred good ones that I can manage, that listen, that remind me how good they really are and how much hope there still is left. That one bad kid doesn't deserve that much of my thought. I'll be concerned about the kid who wants to listen, the child that wants better, and is tired of the bad kids.
The evil one, I can't help him, but there are 600 every year that need me and I need them too. He needs me too, but he'll not realize how much we have to offer until it's too late, if ever at all.
the day my ship came in....
was today....I played the lottery and hit some numbers. I won $12. I bought a cheeseburger and more lottery tickets with my new found fortune. I wondered if it would change me at all as I munched on the sweet taste of victory that tasted bacon-y....
Nah, I'm still me I won't forget my humble roots.
ha ha ha
It was kind of nice, I didn't have lunch money and I left my food at home this morning.
Nah, I'm still me I won't forget my humble roots.
ha ha ha
It was kind of nice, I didn't have lunch money and I left my food at home this morning.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
school daze
Classes will be a challenge for the rest of the semester. The only thing I know is that I'm not going for an advanced degree any time soon. This is really tiring. I've actually thought about changing careers so I don't have to do anymore school for awhile, but I'm here now.
on the wagon
I've started strictly counting my WW points again. The first few days are the toughest. It's like starting all over again. I guess you kind of need to take a break from it every now and then. The good news is I didn't gain any at all and I ate like a pig! So maybe when I get to my goal weight, upkeep will be easy.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
resolve
I've got a lot on my plate this week. One lab report, one class presentation, and I need to start my 20-page ethics final paper. Wow.
My next issue is to get rolling on my studies. I'm almost finished, but damn, I'm tired.
I like to daydream about life in the years ahead. Just a regular old, normal life. Yep, sounds good to me.
My next issue is to get rolling on my studies. I'm almost finished, but damn, I'm tired.
I like to daydream about life in the years ahead. Just a regular old, normal life. Yep, sounds good to me.
Friday, February 15, 2008
heading down the final lap
Yep, the light is at the end of the tunnel for me. I'm nearly ready to graduate with my 4-year degree. I'm heading into the home stretch on fumes and a loud knock in my engine. ie, I'm burned out big time. I'm going to have to put that master's degree on hold until I can get my head back into the game. In 5 weeks I've got to re-take the only class I failed. A&P2 was a beast last time, and I doubt it will be any easier this time except that I know what to do to pass.
diet? wuzzat?
After several weeks of no losses on the scale, I realize I need to re-focus. Starting today, I'm going to map out my meals and days effective tomorrow and include weekly exercise. I'd like to get a really nice treadmill that folds up, but I'm not going to wait between here and there to make it happen.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Back to the battle
I took two weeks off my new "food lifestyle". Now I feel healed and I'm going back to the sensible eating. I'm also going to budget in a few days of active time to firm myself back up. By next next Fall, I want to look awesome.
The end of all things...
February can be a tough month, but not as tough as January. The Winter of discontent is now over. I must play catch up, but a tax return and tuition check will help that.
I decided not to pursue the restoration of the Caddy. It would cost far too much money and I really don't want an old Cadillac anyway. I've also been given way too many offers to keep it. I have nothing at all in it right now, so I can't lose. I've decided quit while I'm ahead.
I think I will always have something to keep me busy. I've always been that way. If I just sit around with no project, I lose my mind. I get depressed without a goal. I see now I may never retire.
I decided not to pursue the restoration of the Caddy. It would cost far too much money and I really don't want an old Cadillac anyway. I've also been given way too many offers to keep it. I have nothing at all in it right now, so I can't lose. I've decided quit while I'm ahead.
I think I will always have something to keep me busy. I've always been that way. If I just sit around with no project, I lose my mind. I get depressed without a goal. I see now I may never retire.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
battle of the bulge - shore leave
I've been sick for a week, as a result, I've been curtailing my dieting. I think that a person can only really fight one battle at a time, and since infection is life-threatening, the battle of the bulge is in a temporary cease-fire. I've been doing very well, and I think I'm ahead of schedule. Besides, I'm not really binging per se, just indulging a bit more than usual. I probaly won't gain, I'll just won't lose either.
Next Tuesday, I'll go back full blast and probably include some light exercise too.
Next Tuesday, I'll go back full blast and probably include some light exercise too.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
the losing battle: official update
I actually lost 3 pounds this week. The weight watchers website told me to slow down. It's hard for me to do that. I'm a "hard-charger"type. When I put my mind on something, I do it full-on. That is how I have survived, but now I have to learn to accept gradual change.
Monday, January 28, 2008
the losing battle update: the more you know....
I've been sick this past week and I decided not to count points and try to lose weight this week. I figure if my body needs extra calories to fight diseases and germs, who am I to deny my body for the sake of vanity.... I've lost two pounds this week so far, and weigh-in is tomorrow. How did this happen?
Most weight loss rely on something called a ECA stack. That means Ephedrine, Caffeine, and Aspirin. When taken together, they actually take weight off, but it can be dangerous, even deadly if abused. I've been taking cold remedy all week, which has an ephedrine substitute and a pain reliever similar to aspirin. I also drink hot tea for my throat, that is rich with caffeine. The end result is that I get the equivalent of a diet pill or two daily, which equals weight loss.
I've decided to rebuild my home gym. I don't need much equipment as I am not going to go at it heavy for a while. I just need to get moving and tone up a bit.
Most weight loss rely on something called a ECA stack. That means Ephedrine, Caffeine, and Aspirin. When taken together, they actually take weight off, but it can be dangerous, even deadly if abused. I've been taking cold remedy all week, which has an ephedrine substitute and a pain reliever similar to aspirin. I also drink hot tea for my throat, that is rich with caffeine. The end result is that I get the equivalent of a diet pill or two daily, which equals weight loss.
I've decided to rebuild my home gym. I don't need much equipment as I am not going to go at it heavy for a while. I just need to get moving and tone up a bit.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
school daze
I just realized how hard this last semester is actually going to be. Cell biology will not be fun, A&P2 will be hard, Business Ethics will be super easy, I should prepare to spend most of my energy on CB until I have to take A&P2.
Since I'm graduating soon, I need to think about work. I must get a new job. I wish I could find something with above-average pay, but those seem to be taken.
Since I'm graduating soon, I need to think about work. I must get a new job. I wish I could find something with above-average pay, but those seem to be taken.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
bad week for diets
I'm doing great, but I just had a bad week. I was hungry! I'll be surprised if I lost any at all. I think the trick to success in the long run is to give in when you feel you need to, and tighten down the rest of the time. I need to start doing some weight work, or I'll lose a good chunk of my strength.
Monday, January 14, 2008
battle of the bulge
Tomorrow will be me normal weigh in, but it's been on my mind all week. I noticed last week some pictures of people from the 60' and 70's. Just a group of folks from years gone by. Almost none of them were fat like we are now. Rail-thin is what I'm talking about. What happened? We went from a nation of relatively trim go-getters to a bunch of lethargic fatties. I'd say the food happened and recreation stopped happening. Your soda doesn't contain sugar, it contain "high fructose corn syrup" and that is a huge difference. McDonald's 3 or 4 times a week. Sit down meals at a diner 2 or more time a week happened. Bottomless sodas, chips and salsa, bread, premixed microwaveable desserts (they are good), easy mac and delivery pizza.
Next our lifestyles have shifted to one of convenience. People don't do things for themselves anymore....at all. Dishwashers for those rare times you might actually eat at home. Electric scooters for the little fatties. I can only assume it's to prepare them for using the gimp cart at Wal-mart when they get too fat to drag themselves around.
Why am I saying this? Why am I ranting if I have a 40 inch waist. Anyone who knows me know I'm borderline morbidly obese. My BMI is 35, right up there for heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and cancer. Why am I on a rant?
I looked in the mirror and said "no more". I saw a picture of myself and realized how horrible I looked. I have a belly covered in stretch marks and a rack that would make most teenage girls green with envy. I have to buy dress pant with the "emergency waist". I go to a place to eat with booths and my gut might be pushing over the table by the end of the meal, and I said no more.
It is a slow process and years in the making. I did low-carb, but it's not easy and it can cause health problems, the up side is I lost a ton of weight fast, and I gained it back fast when I decided I couldn't live without desserts and bread.
I next tried just exercising alone. I lost some weight, but I pretty much just swapped some fat for muscle. The good news is I carried my fat around a bit better, but I didn't slim down. Building muscle makes you very hungry. And when you can't do it regularly, you get flabby again.
So right now I'm doing weight watchers. I can't exercise as much as I want, so I watch what I eat, and do what I can. I eat healthy, and I curb my snacking. When I do snack, I make healthier choices.
I am within a week of hitting my 10% goal. That's the big deal of losing 10% of your total body weight. I wanted to have a goal of 60 pounds off. Just get to 200 for now and see what's up and go from there.
The downside of what I'm doing without exercise is I'm losing muscle too, and it shows. I have a goal of getting some exercise equipment in February. Exercise will help get fat off quick and hopefully, I can curb the muscle loss.
July will come around, and I'll look good in my black robe and mortar cap. When Mr. Wilson starts work in August, he'll need new clothes.
Next our lifestyles have shifted to one of convenience. People don't do things for themselves anymore....at all. Dishwashers for those rare times you might actually eat at home. Electric scooters for the little fatties. I can only assume it's to prepare them for using the gimp cart at Wal-mart when they get too fat to drag themselves around.
Why am I saying this? Why am I ranting if I have a 40 inch waist. Anyone who knows me know I'm borderline morbidly obese. My BMI is 35, right up there for heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and cancer. Why am I on a rant?
I looked in the mirror and said "no more". I saw a picture of myself and realized how horrible I looked. I have a belly covered in stretch marks and a rack that would make most teenage girls green with envy. I have to buy dress pant with the "emergency waist". I go to a place to eat with booths and my gut might be pushing over the table by the end of the meal, and I said no more.
It is a slow process and years in the making. I did low-carb, but it's not easy and it can cause health problems, the up side is I lost a ton of weight fast, and I gained it back fast when I decided I couldn't live without desserts and bread.
I next tried just exercising alone. I lost some weight, but I pretty much just swapped some fat for muscle. The good news is I carried my fat around a bit better, but I didn't slim down. Building muscle makes you very hungry. And when you can't do it regularly, you get flabby again.
So right now I'm doing weight watchers. I can't exercise as much as I want, so I watch what I eat, and do what I can. I eat healthy, and I curb my snacking. When I do snack, I make healthier choices.
I am within a week of hitting my 10% goal. That's the big deal of losing 10% of your total body weight. I wanted to have a goal of 60 pounds off. Just get to 200 for now and see what's up and go from there.
The downside of what I'm doing without exercise is I'm losing muscle too, and it shows. I have a goal of getting some exercise equipment in February. Exercise will help get fat off quick and hopefully, I can curb the muscle loss.
July will come around, and I'll look good in my black robe and mortar cap. When Mr. Wilson starts work in August, he'll need new clothes.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
darkest before the dawn
There is an old saying "It's always darkest before the dawn". From a person who has been out in it. It's also coldest just before the dawn.
January is always bad for me. I'm always broke, no matter what I try. This year, everything broke and I had a new bill. I am now in ruins until February. Even gas to get to school will be rough.
I'm so close to finishing school, but it seems so far away. Even after it's all said and done with, I have so far to go before I'm done. So much to catch up and make right, and I'm almost completely drained. Some of those things, I might not be able to make right.
My advise to anybody at this point in my life would be not to wait to make things right and never bend to unreasonable people, in fact, don't deal with them at all if it can be avoided. They'll never be happy no matter how much you try and they'll take everything that makes you happy and destroy it.
Over the course of my life, I've had chances to better myself, to improve my life, and others ruin it for me. The greatest depression is knowing you had everything that would have made your life good, and you let fear, cowardice, and ignorance stand in the way as it slipped past. No apology, plan of action, or good intention can ever repair the damage.
And today is the grayest day of my life, because I woke up to that epiphany.
January is always bad for me. I'm always broke, no matter what I try. This year, everything broke and I had a new bill. I am now in ruins until February. Even gas to get to school will be rough.
I'm so close to finishing school, but it seems so far away. Even after it's all said and done with, I have so far to go before I'm done. So much to catch up and make right, and I'm almost completely drained. Some of those things, I might not be able to make right.
My advise to anybody at this point in my life would be not to wait to make things right and never bend to unreasonable people, in fact, don't deal with them at all if it can be avoided. They'll never be happy no matter how much you try and they'll take everything that makes you happy and destroy it.
Over the course of my life, I've had chances to better myself, to improve my life, and others ruin it for me. The greatest depression is knowing you had everything that would have made your life good, and you let fear, cowardice, and ignorance stand in the way as it slipped past. No apology, plan of action, or good intention can ever repair the damage.
And today is the grayest day of my life, because I woke up to that epiphany.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Updates...
Looks like the truck will be OK, it just needs some TLC on the carburetor. The motorcycle part will get here eventually. So all will be great soon enough.
I lost 2 pounds this week, putting me at 236. My 10% goal is 2 pounds away. Next week should be right at it. 24 pounds is about the same weight as 3 gallons on milk. I have to start exercising if I want any muscle left on my body.
Classes start next Monday and I'm preparing myself for the hard rush. I'll have all my core requirements done this semester. Summer term will be all easy classes.
I'm still being sued, but I've done some research on it and think I think I'm actually OK.
Life is good.
I lost 2 pounds this week, putting me at 236. My 10% goal is 2 pounds away. Next week should be right at it. 24 pounds is about the same weight as 3 gallons on milk. I have to start exercising if I want any muscle left on my body.
Classes start next Monday and I'm preparing myself for the hard rush. I'll have all my core requirements done this semester. Summer term will be all easy classes.
I'm still being sued, but I've done some research on it and think I think I'm actually OK.
Life is good.
Monday, January 07, 2008
When it rains.....
Wow, what a week! I jokingly posted about January being the Winter of discontent, but it sure is coming true. The motorcycle is broke, truck is broke, I'm broke, and I'm being sued for an old debt. What a way to start '08!
I say bring it on. Let's work all the bad mojo of the previous year out right now before February. I'll take the bad now and coast the rest of the year.
I'm still actually pretty lucky. I have people I love and who love me enough to help me when I'm in a rough spot. Knowing so many people have your back in bad times makes the the bad times not so bad.
I really don't mind hardship, as long as it comes to an end. I think you need rough times to measure how great the good times are so that you never take them for granted. I actually feel sorry for the privileged. What's so great about having it good if you don't know how good you've got it?
I say bring it on. Let's work all the bad mojo of the previous year out right now before February. I'll take the bad now and coast the rest of the year.
I'm still actually pretty lucky. I have people I love and who love me enough to help me when I'm in a rough spot. Knowing so many people have your back in bad times makes the the bad times not so bad.
I really don't mind hardship, as long as it comes to an end. I think you need rough times to measure how great the good times are so that you never take them for granted. I actually feel sorry for the privileged. What's so great about having it good if you don't know how good you've got it?
Thursday, January 03, 2008
quote
The world owes you nothing, and to expect anything else will only set you up for failure. - Wilson
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
the losing battle
I just discovered how hard the holidays are for diets. I gained two and lost three for a net of 1 lost over the past 3 weeks. I wanted to be under my 10% goal, but I'm still four pounds away. Not too bad, but being able to exercise regularly would help. Getting back on my school routine where I have no harmful snacks everywhere will be good also.
I am a creature of routine, and I thrive on a planned path. I want to be under 200 by July.
I am a creature of routine, and I thrive on a planned path. I want to be under 200 by July.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
resolutions?
Everyone thinks about what they want to change at the end of every year. They make a list of New Year's resolutions. #1 is always lose weight for almost everyone. I'm losing weight, no need for resolve there, but I do have a few areas I need to improve upon.
Here are Mr Wilson's goals for 2008:
1. Finish my degree.
2. Get a (much) higher paying job.
3. Quit my part-time gas station job.
4. Live cleaner, lose all the clutter.
5. Two words : flat belly
6. Start paying off debt.
7. Have a "for real" bank account.
8. Buy a real mattress to sleep on.
Those are not resolutions, they are my goals for the upcoming year.
Here are Mr Wilson's goals for 2008:
1. Finish my degree.
2. Get a (much) higher paying job.
3. Quit my part-time gas station job.
4. Live cleaner, lose all the clutter.
5. Two words : flat belly
6. Start paying off debt.
7. Have a "for real" bank account.
8. Buy a real mattress to sleep on.
Those are not resolutions, they are my goals for the upcoming year.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
one track mind
I'm not too great of a multi-tasking person. I have limited abilities to focus on a few goals at a time. Last night, I almost cleaned my entire house and I'll be done with that very soon. I've been focusing recently on school and weight loss, both of which I'm doing quite well on. My problem is I become over-obsessed sometimes. I did weight loss before with the Atkins diet and lost 30+ pounds in a few months. I liked the results, although I didn't have the ability to sustain the loss at the time. It eventually became too cumbersome to balance my lifestyle with a carnivorous diet and it failed.
I joined Weight Watchers in early October of this year and I've lost 21 pounds to date. I know I'm doing good, but I like dramatic results. I canceled my gym membership because I don't have time to get there when I'm in school, and if I'm not using it regularly, I'm wasting my money. I almost considered using a diet pill to speed up the process, but that would just be dumb. I like my kidney function right where it is, and if I keep up my current progress, I'll be in pretty good shape this Summer and by next Summer, I'll have a "beach body".
I think our concept of instant gratification dooms us. Gotta have the new car, new house, new furniture, new body right now and worry about the bill when we are in a state of utopia. Why not prioritize and have what you need now and work on what you like along the way?
I joined Weight Watchers in early October of this year and I've lost 21 pounds to date. I know I'm doing good, but I like dramatic results. I canceled my gym membership because I don't have time to get there when I'm in school, and if I'm not using it regularly, I'm wasting my money. I almost considered using a diet pill to speed up the process, but that would just be dumb. I like my kidney function right where it is, and if I keep up my current progress, I'll be in pretty good shape this Summer and by next Summer, I'll have a "beach body".
I think our concept of instant gratification dooms us. Gotta have the new car, new house, new furniture, new body right now and worry about the bill when we are in a state of utopia. Why not prioritize and have what you need now and work on what you like along the way?
Friday, December 14, 2007
5 to go?
School is good, I'm done with another semester and it looks like all B's again. The next semester will be my most challenging yet. So I must be prepared. 1 400-level course, and the two hardest classes my major offers. When I'm done, I'll just breeze into Summer classes, graduate, and breeze into a higher paying job. July '08, here I come.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Success...now what?
I realized that I'm ok as long as I keep myself busy. With everything coming to a slow stop, as the holiday season comes around and I get a break from everything, my mood gets horrible. It's like I don't have a purpose, like something is missing. I think "normal" people fill that void with religion. Speaking of which, the other day, someone criticized my competency dealing with middle school aged kids on the basis of me being an atheist. I asked them if they believed in Santa Clause and they told me no. I then asked how are they competent to teach elementary school? Not too happy with me now, but they weren't before either, so what? One of these days, when I run out of things to accomplish, I might need therapy. I should be happy, I should be proud, but I'm not. It feels like everyone is mad at me or they want nothing to do with me. If I have nothing to keep myself busy, I feel useless. I mean, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to, I'm getting an education, I work, I keep myself up, I'm losing weight because I'm fat, I know people respect me, I do a great job at my school, I get good grades. Every aspect of my life is getting better, so what's wrong with me? I even feel bad about writing this because the few people that might actually read this will just think I'm being stupid. I really don't need or want anyone's pity, I just want to feel better.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Winter break
Working at a school and going to school, Winter breaks really rock! I got a ton of down time coming up. I need it badly! A few weeks to cool the jets and recharge the batteries. I get to refocus on my goals and plan for the future.
Weight loss is looking good, school is looking good. The future is almost upon me, and I must prepare.
Weight loss is looking good, school is looking good. The future is almost upon me, and I must prepare.
fighting the losing battle...and winning!
I lost 2 more pounds this week, putting me at 239, a total of 21 pounds to date. I am well on track to breaking the 200 pound barrier in May. Go me! Weight Watchers really works! I have a pile of "before" pictures on my computer and I plan on doing a before and after post in the months ahead.
Like everything else worth achieving, it take time, effort, and hard work. I'm enjoying that people are starting to notice that I'm trimming down that helps the cause. It makes those salads taste wonderful!
I like Weight Watchers because I can choose what I want to eat, but I have a structure that helps me make smart choices. So if I want a big breakfast, I eat light the rest of the day, and so on. Snacks like crackers and candy have been replaced with fruit and sugar free puddings. Sodas and my beloved sweet tea are replaced with diet soda and water.
My only real concern now is with my fitness. I must get into shape. I must exercise more.
Starting - 260
Current - 239
Goal (for now) - 200
Like everything else worth achieving, it take time, effort, and hard work. I'm enjoying that people are starting to notice that I'm trimming down that helps the cause. It makes those salads taste wonderful!
I like Weight Watchers because I can choose what I want to eat, but I have a structure that helps me make smart choices. So if I want a big breakfast, I eat light the rest of the day, and so on. Snacks like crackers and candy have been replaced with fruit and sugar free puddings. Sodas and my beloved sweet tea are replaced with diet soda and water.
My only real concern now is with my fitness. I must get into shape. I must exercise more.
Starting - 260
Current - 239
Goal (for now) - 200
Sunday, December 09, 2007
On cleanliness
Not dirty, uncluttered, crisp, clear, and pure. These are some of the words we associate with clean. Offensive odors are also considered unclean. Apply these to a house. A cluttered house is impossible to make clean (not dirty) to any reasonable satisfaction. What to do? I have suffered from TMS for the majority of my life. I had Too Much Shit in my house and it became a maze of items that were useless due to the absolute over-abundance of semi-useful things. A thing should only have value to you if you can make use of it. On this principle, I have purged my home of so many things it is ridiculous. My floors are no longer danger zones for bare feet and I have no fear of unexpected guests. I'm still a work in progress, my bedroom and a few of my closets are horrible, but Christmas vacation is soon, and I'll be able to enjoy a 100% clean home, the type where every door is open for prying eyes. It is hard, and it is a learned, not inborn skill, but the benefits are well worth it.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
tired
I know I don't exactly physically exert myself too much, but the strain of trying to accomplish what I am doing is mentally exhausting. All this classwork and school and work. I am burning out and I'm glad I'm so close to the end. I'll need some time at a much slower pace before I do this again. I keep telling myself it will all be worth it soon, but not soon enough.
I try to make the most of my situation, but right now it just seems like an endless struggle for nothing and I'm getting tired of fighting.
I try to make the most of my situation, but right now it just seems like an endless struggle for nothing and I'm getting tired of fighting.
wild week
Fall Semester ends next week. I'm in a good spot to make all B's. I need a few week to cool off the brain before the Hellish Spring term begins. It has kicked my ass, but I'm better for it.
I've lost 19 pounds as of this week. I'll be at ~30 lost by the start of Spring Semester. If all goes well, by Summer, I'll be under 200 for the first time in 15 years. I could reasonably be 180 by next school year. Cool.
I need to rebuild my home gym. I can no longer justify spending money on a gym membership I can not use regularly. I want to rejoin at a later date, just not now.
I'm so close to finishing my five-year plan. Upon completion, I'll do a little soul searching, see where I'm at, and start the next five year plan. I already have a few ideas....
I've lost 19 pounds as of this week. I'll be at ~30 lost by the start of Spring Semester. If all goes well, by Summer, I'll be under 200 for the first time in 15 years. I could reasonably be 180 by next school year. Cool.
I need to rebuild my home gym. I can no longer justify spending money on a gym membership I can not use regularly. I want to rejoin at a later date, just not now.
I'm so close to finishing my five-year plan. Upon completion, I'll do a little soul searching, see where I'm at, and start the next five year plan. I already have a few ideas....
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
so much stuff....
I have done so much this past week.
I had Thanksgiving in Allentown PA with Robyn's relatives. We walked around neighborhoods with mansions to burn off pumpkin pie. There were houses so big, it took several minutes to walk past them. I'd never seen such houses in my life in person. Her family up North are good people.
We went to Syracuse to visit more of her relatives. I had the best steak I've ever eaten. I want another one right now!!! Her Uncle was the cook/ owner in the restaurant. I can't stomach the prices up there. But wow the hospitality! Everything seems to work together better up North.
Maybe I'm just crazy, but the everything seemed better. The food was tasty, the people didn't drive like idiots, and the landscape and homes were beautiful. Too bad the job market is harsh.
I came home to sleepy NC and it was just ugly. The people were ugly, the food tasted bland, people drove like they had a death wish, and everything looked trashy.
Despite eating like a pig all weekend, I still lost weight! I think exercise is the key for me. I get good results when I'm moving, so I'll have to set up better exercise times for myself.
I'm settling into a solid "B" in all my classes, I wanted A's, but it's still nothing to be ashamed of considering my responsibilities.
I had Thanksgiving in Allentown PA with Robyn's relatives. We walked around neighborhoods with mansions to burn off pumpkin pie. There were houses so big, it took several minutes to walk past them. I'd never seen such houses in my life in person. Her family up North are good people.
We went to Syracuse to visit more of her relatives. I had the best steak I've ever eaten. I want another one right now!!! Her Uncle was the cook/ owner in the restaurant. I can't stomach the prices up there. But wow the hospitality! Everything seems to work together better up North.
Maybe I'm just crazy, but the everything seemed better. The food was tasty, the people didn't drive like idiots, and the landscape and homes were beautiful. Too bad the job market is harsh.
I came home to sleepy NC and it was just ugly. The people were ugly, the food tasted bland, people drove like they had a death wish, and everything looked trashy.
Despite eating like a pig all weekend, I still lost weight! I think exercise is the key for me. I get good results when I'm moving, so I'll have to set up better exercise times for myself.
I'm settling into a solid "B" in all my classes, I wanted A's, but it's still nothing to be ashamed of considering my responsibilities.
Friday, November 16, 2007
updated....
The Dig for Forensic Anthropology is tomorrow, looking forward to that....not really. I'm really starting to wear down from this schedule I've put myself on and next semester will be the hardest yet. Summer will be a breeze, and I'll be done.
I'm making great progress on my weight loss. If I can't get time to "gym up", I'll have to try to "home gym up". For the price of membership, I could re-make my home gym. Pity, I really like going to the gym and I feel bad when I can't make it. It just seems like it refuses to fit into my current schedule.
I'm actively trying to trade the Cadillac for a Jeep. I've always liked Jeeps, perhaps I'll just Craigslist it and get something I could and would use.
I've discovered that despite myself, I am at best a "B" student. This is nothing to sneeze at, but I'm still only good for a "B" average. I hope I am above average in the remainder of my endeavors. That is still quite good. In fact, I think I've never been excellent at anything, just above average.
Everything is going as planned, and I'm well on course for July '08. Eight months and counting.....
I'm making great progress on my weight loss. If I can't get time to "gym up", I'll have to try to "home gym up". For the price of membership, I could re-make my home gym. Pity, I really like going to the gym and I feel bad when I can't make it. It just seems like it refuses to fit into my current schedule.
I'm actively trying to trade the Cadillac for a Jeep. I've always liked Jeeps, perhaps I'll just Craigslist it and get something I could and would use.
I've discovered that despite myself, I am at best a "B" student. This is nothing to sneeze at, but I'm still only good for a "B" average. I hope I am above average in the remainder of my endeavors. That is still quite good. In fact, I think I've never been excellent at anything, just above average.
Everything is going as planned, and I'm well on course for July '08. Eight months and counting.....
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The to do list.
I have a list of things I want to do in my life. Not really goals, just things I'd like to do.
1. I want to write a book.
2. I want to build a custom motorcycle.
3. I want to build a hotrod pickup.
4. I want to become athletic again.
5. I want to do some aspect of my career so well that I become renown for it.
6. I want to travel.
1. I want to write a book.
2. I want to build a custom motorcycle.
3. I want to build a hotrod pickup.
4. I want to become athletic again.
5. I want to do some aspect of my career so well that I become renown for it.
6. I want to travel.
steady progress
I'm down to 245 today. I've lost 15 pounds so far.
I still can't get to the gym like I should and that's a shame since I really enjoy it.
I hate to sound like a testimonial, but weight watchers really works, because it's not a diet, you eat what you should have been eating all along and lose it very gradually, so your body doesn't feel like its starving and you don't go mad with cravings.
While you don't have to deprive yourself, you do have to make choices as to what's best for your health. Do you want a pile of cheese fries or do you want to have a body you can show off at the pool? You want a flat belly or a whole box of candy? Personally, I know what I want.
I've been averaging 2.5, but my first two weeks were dramatic, as most new eating patterns are. I pretty sure I'll start averaging 1 or 2 a week before long....still good.
Starting: 260
Current: 245
Goal: 200 (maybe less, first things first)
I still can't get to the gym like I should and that's a shame since I really enjoy it.
I hate to sound like a testimonial, but weight watchers really works, because it's not a diet, you eat what you should have been eating all along and lose it very gradually, so your body doesn't feel like its starving and you don't go mad with cravings.
While you don't have to deprive yourself, you do have to make choices as to what's best for your health. Do you want a pile of cheese fries or do you want to have a body you can show off at the pool? You want a flat belly or a whole box of candy? Personally, I know what I want.
I've been averaging 2.5, but my first two weeks were dramatic, as most new eating patterns are. I pretty sure I'll start averaging 1 or 2 a week before long....still good.
Starting: 260
Current: 245
Goal: 200 (maybe less, first things first)
Friday, November 09, 2007
tired
I'm just plain old running out of steam. I need a break from classes to recharge my batteries.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
results not typical.....
I love the heart felt testimonials of people who went on a diet and lost a metric ton of weight. They have the horrid, miserable before pictures followed by the incredible after shots. The same is true of weight lifting supplements. I lost 45 lbs!!!*
*results not typical
Ever wonder why "results not typical" if this new way is the greatest thing since god invented the Earth? Makes me wonder too. I have a theory and it goes like this: The typical person is too lazy to commit to what is necessary to achieve exactly what they want, so they settle for less than they want.
Everything in life worth achieving demands some sacrifice.
*results not typical
Ever wonder why "results not typical" if this new way is the greatest thing since god invented the Earth? Makes me wonder too. I have a theory and it goes like this: The typical person is too lazy to commit to what is necessary to achieve exactly what they want, so they settle for less than they want.
Everything in life worth achieving demands some sacrifice.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
sad week for losers
I only lost one stinkin' pound! I have to control my weekend eating much better. A night of Chili's and of fried seafood is bad for the belly. 13 pounds is still nothing too shabby, I just want more. The way I'm doing it, however, is the healthiest and most sustainable way.
I know right now that when I get to a skinny weight, I'll have stretchy belly flab, and I don't know how I feel about that. Oh well, I guess I'll wear layers.
I know right now that when I get to a skinny weight, I'll have stretchy belly flab, and I don't know how I feel about that. Oh well, I guess I'll wear layers.
Monday, November 05, 2007
feeling better all the time
I've been dieting for 3 weeks and so far, so good. Next weigh-in is tomorrow morning. I'm hoping my exercise offsets two nights of being bad. I should still be ok, especially if I keep it tight today.(I have)
I've given up redbulls as a morning drink. Yes, they give you wings, and then you crash like Icarus. I've started with a B-12 supplement in the morning. As of right now, wow what a difference!
BTW the Texas Cheesefries at Chili's has more fat and calories that a person my size should eat in two days! beware.
I've given up redbulls as a morning drink. Yes, they give you wings, and then you crash like Icarus. I've started with a B-12 supplement in the morning. As of right now, wow what a difference!
BTW the Texas Cheesefries at Chili's has more fat and calories that a person my size should eat in two days! beware.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
a gym? what's that?
I've not been working out regularly since I got sick last March. I've pretty much flushed all the progress I made away. Now that I'm losing weight, I'll be losing muscle too. If I want that trend to stop, I need to act yesterday. I've been naturally strong for most of my adult life, I don't want to be a skinny weakling. So, I must make it a poit to get back into a gym routine.
good times....
Life isn't too perfect at the moment, but I realized:
1. I'm gainfully employed.
2. I'm in college bettering myself.
3. I'm losing weight on a diet.
4. I'm in a very strong relationship.
5. There is a point very soon where I'll be pulling out of some of this hardship.
I'm doing great these days.
1. I'm gainfully employed.
2. I'm in college bettering myself.
3. I'm losing weight on a diet.
4. I'm in a very strong relationship.
5. There is a point very soon where I'll be pulling out of some of this hardship.
I'm doing great these days.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Biggest Loser update:
Last week was dismal. I only lost 2 pounds. So I knew I had to watch myself on days where I could splurge. My main issues is portion control, meaning I eat too much too fast and I wind up blowing it big time. I've worked on eating out skills this week, I did pretty good. Roby and I went to Outback and had a great dinner. I had the bread, a salad, a 9oz fillet w/mushrooms, a baked potato, and split a dessert with Robyn. How did I do it? That would have blown a whole weeks' diet! I ate 2 small pieces of the bread, I ate the whole salad, I drank diet soda, I ate half the steak and potato and about 1/3 of that awesome dessert. I also ate very light that day before. I exercised portion control and took home steak and potatoes for dinner the next night! I lost 4 pounds this week.I took some before pictured too, so I can show off my after.
Starting 260
Goal 195
Current 248
Going strong. I want to march for my degree in skinny clothes.
Starting 260
Goal 195
Current 248
Going strong. I want to march for my degree in skinny clothes.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
a hard heart
I tend not to feel too sorry for the downtrodden. There are some that have nearly-unbelievable bad luck, but most tend to be people who are more content wallowing in misery than to work for better circumstances. I know because I used to be one of them.
I've worked in kitchens, delivered pizza, ran the register at a few convenience stores, all the while miserable with my condition. What did I do? I assigned blame everywhere but where it truly belonged...with me.
I didn't go to school, I didn't eat right, I didn't do what I was supposed to when I was supposed to. Period. End of story. And there you have the seldom recognized formula for failure. It's easy to do nothing when the person who is at fault for your undoing is not you. You can't change them, you can't succeed.
Then what are we to do? It seems so hopeless, we should just give up, right? And there you are, a downtrodden "victim" of society.
But what if you realize that you have to change to change your situation? You realize that and you actually do something to change, then what? You break your back playing catch up and learn that change for the better is hard, but worth it.
Now, at nearly the end of my first 5-year plan. I graduate from college in 9 months, I'm on a diet and I've already lost 8 lbs. I can't change every one else, but I've done a lot to change myself and now I can't go back, or should I say I don't want to.
I've worked in kitchens, delivered pizza, ran the register at a few convenience stores, all the while miserable with my condition. What did I do? I assigned blame everywhere but where it truly belonged...with me.
I didn't go to school, I didn't eat right, I didn't do what I was supposed to when I was supposed to. Period. End of story. And there you have the seldom recognized formula for failure. It's easy to do nothing when the person who is at fault for your undoing is not you. You can't change them, you can't succeed.
Then what are we to do? It seems so hopeless, we should just give up, right? And there you are, a downtrodden "victim" of society.
But what if you realize that you have to change to change your situation? You realize that and you actually do something to change, then what? You break your back playing catch up and learn that change for the better is hard, but worth it.
Now, at nearly the end of my first 5-year plan. I graduate from college in 9 months, I'm on a diet and I've already lost 8 lbs. I can't change every one else, but I've done a lot to change myself and now I can't go back, or should I say I don't want to.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Pennsylvania
I don't get out too much, but this past weekend I went with Robyn and her parents to Allentown, PA. I honestly don't care to travel, but I had fun anyway.
We went to Robyn's cousin's wedding reception. He married a woman from Bulgaria both are going to be very successful. It was nice. We stayed in her Aunt's house with several people visiting from all over. One brought his giant iguana that was pretty much free-ranging the house. Made me want to try to grow another one, but not now anyway.
They were nice people, Allentown seemed a very nice place with lots of character. I came back and this whole place looks tired and ugly. Everywhere I saw run down everything that looks like nobody even cares a little bit. The minute I got back into NC, people were just plain old rude. Now I know why people with out-of-state tags fly past on the highway; they can't wait to get the Hell out.
I can't blame them now.
We went to Robyn's cousin's wedding reception. He married a woman from Bulgaria both are going to be very successful. It was nice. We stayed in her Aunt's house with several people visiting from all over. One brought his giant iguana that was pretty much free-ranging the house. Made me want to try to grow another one, but not now anyway.
They were nice people, Allentown seemed a very nice place with lots of character. I came back and this whole place looks tired and ugly. Everywhere I saw run down everything that looks like nobody even cares a little bit. The minute I got back into NC, people were just plain old rude. Now I know why people with out-of-state tags fly past on the highway; they can't wait to get the Hell out.
I can't blame them now.
How did I do it?
After a week of fast food, no exercise, and general gluttony; I still managed to squeak out 2 pounds of weight loss. I'm amazed and disappointed at the same time. That could have easily been a 5+ pound week. Every trip to the fast food drive through, every second dip into the buffet is that much longer I have to stay in a shape that I'm ashamed of. That alone should discourage me. On the other hand, if I don't treat myself some, it's just setting myself up to fail.
That being said, I could care less what the scale says. I'm a somewhat muscled person (not muscular) and I'd not have it any other way. I'm not going to weigh the same as a person with no strength. I want the thin face and narrow waist and I want to feel good. Since I got myself fat enough cause stretch marks, I'll never look 100% the way I'd wish I could, but I knew that when I first saw them and kept stuff my face.
We work with what we have.
Start 260
Goal 200
Current 252
That being said, I could care less what the scale says. I'm a somewhat muscled person (not muscular) and I'd not have it any other way. I'm not going to weigh the same as a person with no strength. I want the thin face and narrow waist and I want to feel good. Since I got myself fat enough cause stretch marks, I'll never look 100% the way I'd wish I could, but I knew that when I first saw them and kept stuff my face.
We work with what we have.
Start 260
Goal 200
Current 252
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
