what a Summer!

Summer classes are rough, but I'm passing.If I keep up what I'm doing right now, I'll be on course for graduation next Summer. I'm burning out hard though. There are times I can't bring myself to even look at a textbook. When that happens, I look at the college banner on my wall and remember that everything is riding on what I'm doing now. That will ususally get me in the mood for studying.

I've noticed after every midterm, about half of the class drops out. That means I'm in the top half of my classes, which is a very encouraging thought. What it also means is I was meant to do more than I've ever pushed myself to do. Why? I guess despite all of my smugness, I've always thought of myself as below average. I never did think I was all that bright even though I was always told otherwise. Why? I just figured it was where I was. I went to a really crappy high school where the kids were mostly welfare cases from the start, and never really had a chance at all. Just because I was graduating when a few hundred didn't....I figured I was a dumbass in the company of retards. No matter how bad I was it wasn't as bad as what I was around.

My stepdad told me if I wanted to go to college, I'd better make all A's, there was no money for school unless I came up with it. He didn't like me too much back then and the feeling was mutual. I don't blame him, he did what he knew and the deck was stacked against us ever getting along. Fueds have been settled, and the truth has been told, but the scars remain. I reget not being closer to him, I really do respect him and I learned so much from him on the meaning of being a man. He deserved so much more than he ever got out of life. I wish him well.

Greed

I am disgusted with this country. On of my favorite sayings is "When making a deal, make sure the other guy makes some money too. If you make all the money all the time, you won't get many deals." I feel like the working class is being screwed over. I delivered pizza years ago. At first, I made $7.00 an hour, and tips. I worked about 45 hours a week ant took home almost $100 in tips every night. I made more than most of my managers. They got ill with people making more than them, so they started saying "Hey, I'll pay these guys minimum wage and hire more of them so they only ever work part-time. Then I'll be the highest paid!" And they did. Gas prices went up, cost of living went up, wages have stayed the same for almost 10 years. Yet oil companies, and thier CEO's are pulling down record profits along with the other major corporations, yet they have to out source jobs to other countries and allow the very people who purchase thier products to languish in order to make record profits. Why do we allow them to do it?

I'll tell you why.....

200 crystal-clear channels on your HD widescreen with surround sound.
Broadband internet access.
iPods.
Video games.
The Axe effect.

Add them all together, you get apathy.
No sir, not my problem. I've got mine, fend for yourself.
The dissolution of community has generated such an almost contempt for you fellow neighbor that it's pathetic. I'm not saying that easily, as I am guilty of it too. I tell the kids I teach/ punish to lead by example. Follow the rules, but change things for the better every chance given. That's damn good advise, I should follow it.

On youth.....

Some people say that youth is the golden time of your life. I remember being 17, it was ok I was awake but not aware. The whole world was opening to me yet I didn't quite understand it all. I miss the long hair and the 30 inch waist, but that's about it. Then in my 20's when I was a good bit chubbier, I delivered pizza and lived on my own. That was nice at first. I had more money than good sense, and all the time in the world to enjoy it. But like all good things, they came to an end. It was good, but not golden, I don't cherish and relish those days, but I do miss the money. I still don't make that much. My golden years are just ahead of me, I've worked very hard for them. I will be in shape, I will be healthy, I will be happy. I only have another year of bad times, the good times will come shortly there after.

Thirty-three

Speak to me in a language I can hear. Humor me before I have to go
Deep in thought I forgive everyone
As the cluttered streets greet me once again
I know I cant be late, suppers waiting on the table
Tomorrows just an excuse away
So I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
The earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
At the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
Steeple guide me to my heart and home
The sun is out and up and down again
I know Ill make it, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you
And for a moment I lose myself
Wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
Ive journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends
Mysteries not ready to reveal
Sympathies Im ready to return
Ill make the effort, love can last forever
Graceful swans of never topple to the earth
Tomorrows just an excuse
And you can make it last, forever you
You can make it last, forever you

last week

This is the first day of the last week of school. I'll be on vacation until August. Wow, what to do with all that time. I've been so busy with college and what not that everything has kinda snuck up on me.

Alot of not-so-good things have happened recently. Some of them I can work on, some of them I can't. I have an idea for a few of them, but I doubt anyone I'm partered with would trust me enough to let me try to make anything good happen.

I'd like to make some of my own dreams happen, I'd like to build my own legacy and I'd preferr it not be on a foundation of misery.

winging it...Goldwinging it

I'm currently riding an '85 Goldwing around. Not my preferred bike, but nice and cheap on gas to the tune of 40+ mpg. I've noted that my "true biker" streak is re-emerging. I feel more at home on a bike than I do driving a car or truck. I've come to learn my preferences in what I ride though, I like my bike to be low to the ground. Not only does the improve the center of gravity for slow-speed balance, but it makes it easier to get off and on. I like some sort of winshield, it helps keep too much wind off you so that you get a nice breeze and not a windstorm....fewer bug-related mishaps is also good. The gas mileage alone is a good reason to ride $72 in gas compared to nearly $300 every month in a lot of cash saved. I might could afford to stop eating out of the trash. Now I need to find how to cut corners everywhere else.

My exercising has gone in the toilet. We must work on that.

Forensic Chemisrty is rough. I know I bombed out the first exam, but not completely. I can still make good if I prepare for the next two properly and do all the lab reports correctly. I will do it, and I'll do it better than the rest of the class. Damn it, I won't fail again. I will graduate next Summer. I will make the most of this opportunity. July '08.... 59 week countdown to a new way of life.

make-believe

I guess I'm in a mood today. Tomorrow, I play D&D with my gaming group. I used to look forward to it, but I haven't for awhile. I guess I'm tired of playing pretend about so many things. I'm trying to clean up and I just don't give a damn. My real life is so much more interesting. I'm on the adventure of my life. These days it just feels like Hell. I look to the future and hope, but there is little more to make of any of it. All this work for hope. I guess this would be a great time to have faith, but I don't. I'm wearing myself down to the nub for the hope of a better tomorrow. A whole year of this seems almost cruel. And after this, I still get to go to school for more classes for the next two or three years after that. Then will I get that small piece of a dream? Can I make it all happen? 32 shouldn't feel this tired and worn out. July 09.......still heading that way, but damn, it feels so slow now.

maybe a thought or two

I feel like "the old boxer" in movies right now. I'm so close to the end, but I don't know if I have the juice to go "one more round". I think the only thing keeping me going is sheer determination. Once that goal is accomplished, then what? I need a break from all this, but even after I get the first degree, I have more classes to attend to get a teaching license. I can't join a forensics unit at a police department, my credit is ruined and they won't hire people with bad credit. By the time I fix my credit, I'll have been in the school system for so long that I won't be able to give it up. I should have started so much younger. I dreamed for normal, I guess I got it.

Season in the Abyss

I hear Hell is lovely this time of year. I return to school for Summer sesson this week. Forensic Chemestry is reportedly the most challening class in the catalog. I must be healthy and focused. I'll admit I feel the difference in my stress level already. I'm calm, relaxed and ready for the next challenge. I'm disappointed that I have to re-take A&P2. I know that if I hadn't gotten so sick, I would have passed it. Hell, I made a "B" in the other class I was taking at the same time, so nobody can say I didn't try.

I'm also taking "A Study of Gangs" for my Criminal Justice concentration. I've been told it's an easy "A", even at a 300 level class. I guess I'll know Tuesday.

yelling across the chasm

Every week I put a new inspirational quote on the board in my classroom. This week is "To be successful, the desire for success must outweigh the fear of failure." Bill Cosby said that one. Last week was "The future belongs to those who prepare for it today" - Malcolm X. Teacher come in and say "Wow, that's a good one." Then they write it down and I see some form of it somewhere else in the school by the end of the week. I make the kids copy it so many time before I send them back to class. They usually don't get it, and if they do, they don't usually see how it applies to them.

I realized that schools really only serve a few distinct purposes. One, it give people the opportunity to dump their kids off somewhere so they can go to work. Two it takes those kids and separates them into two different groups: Those that can and will, and those who can't or won't. There is a difference in can't and won't, but not a signifigant one, not signifigant enough to make any real difference anyway.

Does it sound like I'm cynical? I'm a realist, I tend to be optimistic most of the time. I try to make the most of a situation, but I digress. The ones who can and will, can and will become a success usually. Those that can't or won't, it's like like taking a mule to the Kentucky Derby, that jackass is a waste of time and resources, but we still have to try for years to achieve the impossible.

If I could figure out what to do or say to try and get as many people to can and will, I'd do it and write a book and become famous.

resolve

After wallowing in self-pity and cake for a few days, I have refocused myself to school. I'll graduate in time to take a job teaching in August of '08, and everything will work out well. As well as they can anyway. Why I am I so sure? Because godammit, I'm determined to see it happen and I dare anything else to get in the way.

There is an 82 280zx on the lot the guy wants to sell. I sure would like that car I've had 2 Z cars, and between Robyn and myself, we've owned about 6 Datsun/Nissans and I just like them. Very dependable and rugged like a tank! Oh well, my dream car is a 73 240 zx burt orange with 5-speed and A/C. Sweeeeeeeeet. That might be my graduation present....awww who am I kidding, my money is spoken for before I even get my first check. But I have a plan....

painful setback

I flubbed one of my classes. A flub is not as bad as a flunk or a fail, but I still have to retake it. Luckily, I had planned one mess-up in my plans so it doesn't put me off track, but I can't have any more screw-ups if I want to be done in a year. The problem is, I got sick and I just couldn't catch up. I managed to pass everything else though, SO I need a few A's in there to get the old GPA up. I'm pretty confident I can get that going. I'll need to take one of my harder classes with A&P2, the dreaded Cell Biology, but I balace it all out with a very easy elective. So, One hard class, one review class, and one breeze class and I should be ok. I'll take my last two classes over next Summer and all will be good. July '08, still headin' straight for ya.

the wringer

Due to circumstances mostly beyond my control, I found myself dreadfully behind in my studies and final exam time in my wake. I lost a good 3 weeks due to being sick and when I'm sick, I just can't seem to absorb anything. I'm pretty sure I'm done with Forensics, A&P2....the jury is still out. If I get a C, I'll be happy. I just don't want to take it again and be forced to fall behind schedule. August of '08 should have me on a larger pay scale.

I'll admit money isn't everything, but when I don't have enough to ensure the basics and a little quality of life, then I'm not making enough. One of my favorite sayings is money is like air and sex. They don't really matter until you're not getting any.

I went to a wedding Saturday and got quite a few I deas of what I'd like to see in my own wedding. Let's see:

1. At a trailer beside a highway? No
2. On a hill so steep you could trip and fall to your death? No
3. Have the reception pot luck? No
4. Serve prime rib? Yes
5. Be totally trashed before the weddingeven starts? No
6. Invite people who don't want to attend and will have hard feelings? No

Ok, so I have things I don't want to see. Yeah, it was that sad.

No outlet...save one

I really don't get a chance to vent my feelings on current events except here. I really don't talk to anyone that cares, or cares to hear me rant. I'll go a few.

Imus: He kinda had it coming. You just don't run somebody down like that on what was possibly the greatest moment of their lives. Yeah, they lost the game, but they were college basketball players in a championship game. That should have been a moment of pride, not everyone can accomplish that. Imus said something really tacky, which has been his gimmick for about 30 years, so he's been dodging the bullet, but I don't agree with the fact that Jesse and Al are hypocrits enough to call for his head. I think both of them only represent themselves, not the Black community. The only reason Imus had the program is the fact that he was a moneymaker for so many years, but he was not really getting listeners and it was time for something new anyway. I found his brand of "humor" to be downright unfunny. That being said, I don't think we should squelch every offensive voice. Repression and opression do not change things, it's like putting a lid on a boiling pot, it will eventually blow and make a mess of things. We've got to try and find a better way to understand and get along.

VA Tech shootings: I'm an ISS teacher at a middle school and a full-time college student. Spending all this time around schools, which seem to be the only places crazed gunmen are targeting, is making me a little nervous. Almost like I'm dodging the bullet, no pun intended.

Makes me wonder when the saftey of others should take precedence over the rights of the individual. It's a slippery slope and I'm not too sure I can answer that question. I do know that if a person is considered a danger to himself and others, maybe s/he shouldn't be allowed the same freedoms. Maybe a person in this state of mind should be monitored more closely. Why not? Our government spies very closely on people who they believe are a terrorist threat, why not a person that could go nuts and kill people. Big Brother is already watching, if I were to type the right words in the right combination in this very blog, I could be flagged as a threat to national security and be monitored. So then why was nothing done to bring a person like the VA Tech shooter into protective custody? If he hadn't killed anyone, he's not a criminal. Since he is not a criminal, we'd be violating his rights.

The sad part is, there may be no answer as to how to keep these things from happening. Any "coursre of action" to prevent future tragedies could bear scary, unexpected outcomes. Not doing anything could do the same.

odd place for a quote

I person I don't like said a quote I liked.

"If money is all you need to solve it, then it's not a problem."

I like it. There are a few exceptons, but not too bad. In my ISS room, I like to put up a new quote every week. I do it every week because I don't have the same visitors every day. If I did, I might could do a daily quote.

In high school, 9th & 11th grade, I had a teacher that was quite possibly insane, but so inspiring. She put up daily quotes and we had to write on the main idea of those quotes and how they made us feel. Those classes with her were not challenging, but they were inspiring.

As an adult who, as a child, threw away so many of my own opportunities, I see the efforts made by the teachers who really tried and believed they could make a difference and I am grateful.

Sometimes I forget the reward for being a teacher is not always tangible and I can't always see it in the kids I've worked with, but it's there. I have helped chage lives and it feels good.

If it's free....TAKE IT!!!!

You never know what you'll find for free. People get rid of things all the time that are good, but they want something new or they run out of space. Sometimes, something is just wrong with it that they can't fix and it makes more sense to replace it. This is where people like me come in. So far in my life, I have gotten so much free stuff, it's crazy. Some of it wasn't worth keeping and got tossed, other things were only in need of minor repair. Some things were perfectly good and just needed a new home.

The scavenger lifestyle can be lucrative as well, just so long as you do not become a packrat in the process. You need several things to be a truely successful scavenger:
1. A vehicle to haul stuff around, like a pickup and/or a trailer.
2. An extensive set of tools.
3. A decent place to store and work on your "finds".
4. Mechanical aptitude.
5. A place where you can dump things off if they turn out to be worthless.

I have taken so much free stuff, I can't even begin to catalog it all. A few notable finds do stick out.

1. A 125 gallon aquarium with stand.
2. A metric asston of office chairs (great for the D&D game night).
3. Two working dishwashers.
4. A 1985 Ford Ranger.
5. A 1976 Caddilac Eldorado Convertibe with 54000 original miles!
6. A queen-sized sleeper sofa. I miss this one now.
7. A damn good oil-filled electric radiator-type space heater.
8. My coveted, one-of-a-kind, Icee Light.
9. Four computers.
10. Two TV's

An enterprising person that doesn't get too attached to these things can turn a profit or atleast break even on such a hobby. For example, people give away junk cars just to get rid of them. I know a guy who'll BUY those cars and haul them off for scrap. I make a profit off of selling car that was given to me, and he makes money for selling it to the scrap metal dealer. It works out nice really nice.

If you have a place to store free crap you don't want yourself. Hold it for an annual yard sale. Fun stuff. The scavenger's motto: One man's trash is another's treasure.

The Apex of Technology

I noticed awhile back that nothing new has really been invented in awhile, we're just improving on what we already have and combining gadgets. I like multi-purpose gadgets. I appreciate the fact that they realize I don't want to carry around a backpack full of crap everywhere I go, so put it all in one hand-held device.

I own a Razr V3r. It's a cell phone, digital camera, MP3 player, and has pretty good video games to kill time. If you were to add a GPS, and a decent web browser...wow.

During the time I worked at Best Buy, all the "nifty stuff" was a combination of gadgets and widgets in one sleek package. A car stereo with DVD player and a retractable screen. A fridge with a 13" LCD TV built right in the door. Excessive? Maybe. Not for the people with TV's in the kitchen anyway. Even computers are becoming multi function. Computer now have DVD, DVR, multi-purpose, multi-media entertainment centers complete with HD widescreen monitors and crystal-clear, dolby surround with optional high power theater-quality speakers. Sunglasses with wireless bluetooth technology, so you are hands-free and care-free.

The only wonder is you wonder why your ass is broke, trying to pay for and keep up all this crap. It ain't cheap.

My question is, since we know what we can get and use, what can any of us do without?

that was fast!

I had a whole week from work and now it's gone. I accomplished so little, but I guess that is why it is a break. You're not supposed to do Jack. The main reason why precious little was acomplished was because it was cold and I was/am broke. Being sick took more than my energy, it took my cash too. So the Caddy project will be delayed, and anything else I wanted to do for that matter.

I did get a few things done. I brought a dishwasher someone gave me home and tested it. I'll be writing about that soon, and I got a little yard work done too, but nothing major. I guess I'm not motivated to make the place look nice because it is packed with other people's trash that they won't take back and I really can't throw away either. I have a junk car in the back yard that will NEVER run again, but can't be removed for some odd reason. Why do anything if the centerpiece of the yard is a rotting 30 year old car? Nothing I do will make that damn car look better or go away. I have actually reached the point in my life where I want more and better for myself, I guess I just can't get it here.

shorter tunnel

Great news, I'll be able to take my Summer class, which will allow me to take the necessary classes to graduate before fall '08. July '08 beats the Hell out of May '09. Hot damn, this just might work out after all. Now back to the stress.

School Blues

This past semester was way too much. I damn-near burned out, but so far it looks like I'll make it out in one piece and on track. It's too bad about possible missing out on Forensic Chem this Summer. Missing registration while I was sick will kill my graduation date, which disappoints me. It puts all of my plans back by a year. A person not in my place would say "What's one more year?". It's 365 days of still broke, still struggling, still nobody. What's one more year in prison? One more year in Hell? One more year incomplete, empty, and unaccomplished?

Ten years in the making and when the light at the end on the tunnel is a year away, two years is unbearable. But what can I do? I can't give up, can't quit....so here I sit and wait out until....May '09.