All these changes....

I don't quite see myself where I imagined myself when I was a kid. Some of it is true. People call me "Mike", I always thought of myself as a Mike. I like short and to the point names. I kinda figured myself as a tough, work with my hands type as an adult. Since I am a middle school ISS coordinator, I guess that's out. I wound up with a screwed up neck that seems to bother everyone but me. I guess I'll have to get it fixed one day since I don't like standing out for the wrong reasons. I guess the rock star thing is out too, especially seeing as how I can't sing or play an instrument.

I guess I'll have to settle for geeky science guy who has an inflated self-image.

Back to the grind....

Unfortunately, it's me being ground up. I returned to classes last night and saw the devastation first hand. I was, once again one of the "survivors". Many have already given up in all my classes, and I am passing. I'm pretty sure I'm not "upper crust" material, but I'm not a bottom feeder either.

I've decided to hit the ground running. I will not let a day pass without a minimum of 1 hour of study time. I passed on a boomerang curve in fast track A&P 1, I'll not need it in A&P 2. The class I should be enjoying, I'm squeaking by in due to the demands of A&P. This isn't boot camp. This isn't a marathon. It's a death march for my sanity and I'm fading fast. I'll have to go to graduation in a straightjacket...but I'll be there.

The Alamance County Cadillac Bank Account Massacre

After weeks of not even geting to touch that beat of a car, I finally got out to the shop to go through the nessisary tests to see if it wil run, or if it is beyond my ability (and price range) to restore it into a giant Sunday car. Much to my surprise, it fired up and after a difficult spell, it all smoothed out an started running like a car that had never been parked. It only took about 20 minutes of running. After that point, it didn't even smoke. Truly, that Caddy was one of the last great American cars. It looks as though there will be few mechanical problems. I told the fellow helping me to tell me something bad, I need to be discouraged. He said he couldn't, it looked real good to him.

She'll be a driver soon. Once the bugs are ironed out, It will be cosmetics time. Clean up, paint up, make her look new again.

Back when that car was new, to own a Caddy was a status symbol of success, you had finally arrived. That must be a good feeling.

Looking ahead, this will be a several year project, nothing is cheap on this car, but everything on it is built to last. If it's put back together properly, that car could be my old fart convertible until I'm an old fart.

Delilah

The Biblical one, I wonder about her sometimes. Did she know what they intended to do to Samson? I also wonder if it is an tale that is supposed to teach about trust, and how much to trust others.

Though I still wonder, did she love him? Was she regretful of this act the rest of her life, or did she "do what she had to do"? Did she feel bitter vindication when he killed all the Philistines by pulling the columns down?

Sometimes we love people more than they love us, and it can ruin a person.

I'm hatin' it

It is almost not worth being here, I hate it so much. This job might not be too bad, but it's either boring or frustrating and no mid-ground. If I didn't need the money, I'd be anywhere but here. I have a Cadillac to restore, a house to clean, and all sorts of other things I could be putting off right now if I were not at work.

I tried the last few days to try to sleep without the sleeping pills the Dr gave to help with my anxiety issues. Not too good. I can only assume Robyn was correct, in thatI have some sort of sleep apnia. Sadly, when you stop taking them, it is very hard to sleep. Great, now what? I guess I could take them until Spring break and give my body a week find it's balance again. I'm quite sure I don't have that many left, so we'll see.

Last night was like a nightmare-ish half-lucid, half-sleeping state. I was physically trying to sleep, and going to sleep, yet I was aware of time passing and of things happening in the house and still I was in a sort-of sleep state. The drugs they give you are horrible. Once they have you, they don't let go easily. Yet and despite my lament, I don't think I have slept so well or felt so good after waking since I was young. I don't believe I have ever felt so fully rested and ready to get up in the morning.

I feel guilty in a way, I've never been an advocate of medication and I feel the whole country is over medicated. Then I got to have a good night's sleep after having an anxiety attack and feel better than ever the next morning. I guess my opinion has been altered abit.... not entirely changed, but a bit relaxed.

free time

Wasting what little free time I have is a shame. The real tragedy is the fact that while I am in a very busy point in my life, I just don't want to do anything at all with my free time as I will be doing stuff and being very busy very soon. I guess a few hours of productivity wouldn't hurt.....but I don't have to like it.

A day dream in Spring.

I'm on Spring Break from college. I'm pretending this is what it will be like in a couple of years. I have a bit of extra cash, I'm good on my bills, and nothing to do in the meantime but do what I want after work. I could do this for awhile, but next week is back to anatomy boot camp and I'll be getting plenty to do. But I got throught the first half of anatomy boot camp and I'll survive the other. Then to Summer classes and quick trip to the end......May '08.

anatomy boot camp....

I took fast track A&P1 (anatomy & physiology) this semester. I took the final exam just last night. I was just guessing on it. But I passed well enough that I won't have to re-take it at a later date. He had to have had a massive curve on the final grade....

The class had many parallels to boot camp. The instructor just kick your ass and makes you feel stupid for about 8 weeks and then you get pushed through if you didn't give up. Expensive class too....it cost me an anxiety attack, a trip to the doctor, complete with an EKG, slleping pills, and my sanity.....but I know a lot of parts of the human body now it helped that some of the things breaking on me were things that he was discussing in class.

I just hope the classes don't get much worse than this. Either way, no more fast track after this semester.

May '08....still dead on target.

the face of evil

Nice. Robyn took a picture of me when we got new cell phones. I look like a serial killer in this one. We both looked at it and said "damn!". Now, for you viewing terror.

Ozzy show '94

In 1994, I went to my first Ozzy Osbourne show. I went to Sepultura and Type O Negative, and if I had to deal with granpa-rock, I guess it would be ok. Suprisingly enough, Ozzy is one hell of an entertainer when he's not too high. Needless to say, it was an awesome show. What I didn't realize is that during the concert, the guy who I rode with was in an accident and was rushed to the hospital. I found out while we were in the parking lot from people who I knew who had also attended the concert. The assumption was he was killed. His pregnant fiance was still in the building and I was urged to go find her. And I was promised that they would make sure I got a ride home. By the way, this was 35-40 miles from home. I didn't find her, but I came out to an empty parking lot. So there I was 17, no money, and stranded in the center of a ghetto in another city.

What to do? He was sent to Moses Cone hospital, an 8 mile trek through a ghetto on a Friday night. I had to hoof it. I was thrown out of the venue, the police that were attending were only kind enough to point in the direction of the hospital and tell me to move or get busted for loitering. During my 3 hour death march, I was accosted by a wino who wanted me to "lie down in the bushes with him" for $5. I was chased by a group of guys that were older than me. I think they were just trying to scare me....and it worked. I got side-tracked off the main road and lost in the worst section of Greensboro, NC. And there I was, a 5'9", 155lbs, long-haired, 17 year-old white kid lost in a very bad section of town.

After an hour or so of trying to meander towards down town (and hopefully a road I knew), I found a cabbie who was between fares. He was a very large African man who spoke in a thick, but fluid accent. I asked him for directions to the hospital, which he gladly gave me. He then looked around and asked where my car or bicycle was as it was very dangerous for a young white man to be out in these neighborhoods at night and I then explained everything that had happened to bring me to this point. He told me to get in his cab and he would take me to the hospital, which I uneasily did. He was very kind and told me all about his native country, Gambia. When we arrived at the hospital, I told him if he were willing to wait for me, I'd get my wallet and gladly pay him, he refused any payment and wished me well. I never saw him again, but I wish him only the best. He didn't have to do that, and I didn't ask. Sometimes I wish I could be a good a person as that cabbie.

As for the guy who promised to stay and make sure I was ok.....Shawn. I hope you burn in Hell.

nearing the halfway point

I really did a number on myself this semester, fast track and all science classes. I'm glad I'm not trying to consider my GPA for anything. If I get by just passing with the one anatomy class, I'll be grateful. I know I'll do better in the second one, since I know what is expected of me. It's a damn shame the professor has no idea how to let you know what he expects. I have to do Summer courses this year to get all the classes I need in for Fall courses. 14 months and counting.....if I pass that damn A&P class.

During my anxiety attack, a strained a muscle in my upper back and it's making exercise difficult. I've been taking sleeping pills since Wed. The doctor told me he thought if I was able to get a full night rest, I might not need any anti-anxiety medicine. So far, he's been right. I can breathe and it seems like my studying has been a bit more effective. I'm hoping it will be good enough for this time around. If I have to retake one class, it won't be devastating.....humbling, but not devastating. So I guess we'll see soon enough.

wow....

The stress response in human can mimick a variety of illnesses, and cause many problems. Even though it is a mental response, the side effects are quite real. The past few days, I've had shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, and such. Most of these are symptoms of a real illness. I went to a doctor, he told me I was healthy.....after nearly $200 worth of tests plus drugs, he told me it's anxiety. I'm having anxiety attacks. Why? Too much stress. Too many jobs, too many classes, not enough relax time. I also have slight allergies....but anyway.

What to do? After the sleeping pill, and allergy pill, I awoke today totally refreshed.

I'm probably going to have to make some minor changes soon to aid in my overall health. I just need to figure out what I can be rid of easily.

10 effing hours.....

Not that I mind making money, but boy, I wish I didn't need it this bad.

Going back to school has several residual side-effects:

1. Always studying, so you get out of the loop for awhile.

2. Relationships are usually strained since you have no time. Strangely enough for me, this is not the case....at least not where it counts.

3. If you live alone (like me), your house will become a wreck. This is especially true for me, since I was never any good keeping house in the first place.

4. Your health can be effected. The stress of exams combined with eating anything you can grab makes for an unhealthy lifestyle.

5. Everything you want to do gets put on hold. You better be reading those books!!!

I must admit, I damn near bit off more than I can chew, but I'm in the process of regrouping and going at it ALL full force. If I don't, May '08 could be Dec '08, and that would put me way off schedule.

rough times

Sometimes you're the winshield, sometimes you're the bug.

buzz-buzz

Sadly behind

I've got two days to finish a lab report and finish memorizing the skeleton. I'm a little ashamed of myself, but I'll do great on both. I'm just now hitting my stride. My g/f told me it looks like I'm getting bigger from lifting....YAY! Now I only need to lose fat....

Goals

I realized yesterday, to do everything I want to finish my truck would cost about $800. I'm not too sure I see that happening. I might drop another 200-300 in cosmetics and let it ride from there.

I have not lost any weight since Christmas. I'm right at 250, so I'm just spinning my wheels.

I'm stuggling with college right now, I shouldn't even be writing this, but I can't study non-stop either. I will pass, I will succeed, but it sure is awful stressful right now.

Other than these reason, and never having enough money, my life is pretty good. I know I am loved and respected, and sometimes that is enough.

I like teaching, but I want to teach, not discipline. Where I work, there is so little teaching being done, we basically try to undo what thier worthless parents have been doing to ruin them.

I kinda wish there was a way to make my hair grow back, I'd grow it long. I think being the old, well-built biker guy with a white ponytail would look cool. Since that's not happening, I guess I'll be the scary bald guy.

Anna Nichole Smith.....

This is a classic example of Hollywood excess turned into tradgedy. She was a gold-digging stripper that made a career out of being a gold-digging stripper. She married a millionaire that was seconds away from death, became a playboy model ( I kinda like the larger, trashy-type). got fat, lost weight, and was having a rare comeback and died. She most likely died from OD'ing on all those painkillers. Like so many before, her body could not handle what she was doing to it and it quit.

I like the irony of her "trimspa" ads...."be envied". Nobody envies the dead.

I need an accountant!

I'm rotten with money. I think it mainly stems from the fact I make so little, but sometimes I wonder if I had more money (like when I graduate) would I be better off, or would I spend it all and still be broke? I really don't know. If I were to budget myself and set aside a certain ammount of savings, I'm pretty sure I'd do ok. I guess I need to figure out how to make enough cash to do some things I like and still be able to put money back. It's hard to live within you means when you make near-poverty level income.

It's alive....ALIVE!!!!

The Caddy runs. It fired up on the first shot, but it will need a lot of TLC before it's ready to ride. The good news is that almost all of the problems are cosmetic. I think the kids will really love riding aroung in my giant convertable.

The Cadillac Dairies.......

Not that the story of my humble Ranger is over by a long shot, but with the recent addition of the Caddy to my family of cars, I feel it is time to open a new page.

A Cadillac means different things to different people. It was the American Rolls Royce during our "Golden Age". A Rollex was "the Cadillac of watches", and Calloway was "the Cadillac of golf clubs". There was a time when a Caddy in the garage meant you had finally arrived. Mostly, my generation saw them as giant "grandpa cars". An Eldo convertible was a parade car everywhere you went. There were the ones that fell into disrepair and were seen as the low class showing off. Pimps, dealers, mobsters, thugs, and such may very well have one as a way to treat themselves for thier ill-gained fortunes.

I saw in it something my Granpa might have liked. I could see us in it with the top down. I kinda wish he were here now to see it. It would have been really fun to take him for a ride in it.

Mine was owned by an elderly lady who parked it in 91 when she became too old to drive. She died and the car stayed. People saw it and wanted to fix it and have it for their own, but it never became a reality and it sat until last week when it was offered to me. As of right now, I have not even started it as I have yet to get the keys. But there are a few thing that need to be addressed at the best-case senario.

1. Clean it up
2. New tires, battery, and fuel pump
3. new hoses and belts
4. Complete tune up and oil change.
5. New valve seals.

To do it "right" it will also need:
1. New top
2. New carpet
3. Rust repair & paint.

It doesn't look like a total "dog" I think it has a lot of promise. If I'm fooled and it turns out to be a money pit, I'll sell it after it is road worthy.