a cure? for me?

Due to unusual circumstances, which tend to define my life, I found myelf visiting a chiropractor. I've been out of whack all of my adult life. After looking at me, measuring me and doing general check-up stuff, she seems to think she can re-align me.

All my life, I feel like people have not seem me, but rather my awkward posture, my crooked neck. They would call me "crooked" behind my back. I always pretended that it never bothered me, but it did. It was like I was not even anything beyond one physical abnormality, almost like the way cruel people pick on the handicapped.

To some extent, this problem has always made me self-conscious. I felt that because I was so abnormal, people would judge me based on that. I'm pretty sure I was right, but it also help me become the bitter, hateful person I am today. But now I am told it can be fixed.....and I don't know what to think. In the next year, everything that made me feel bad about myself id going to be fixed. What then?

infectious waste of time

I've been really sick this past week. So sick I went to the doctor...again. He believes it's a viral infection that has laid me low this time. I don't recall feeling this bad in a very long time. It doesn't help that one of the symptoms is a sore throat, which is by far one of the most irritating things in my life. It has really taken the wind out of me. I missed a week of school and two days of work. Even as of today, I have no energy to speak of and I haven't been able to work out at all.

On the workout front, Robyn has noted interest in going to the gym with me. This could be a good thing, a real change in how we spend time together. Instead of going out to eat somewhere unhealthy, we could go exercise and get a light meal. Neither of us are happy with our current shape, and if we were as committed to working out as we are to spending time together, we'll be in shape in no time flat.

conundrum most powerful

I don't think I can do 3 Summer classes, especially when they are as challenging as what lie ahead for me. One of the toughest obsticles, forensic chemestry, is on schedule for this Summer, but I'll only be taking one other class, Most likely a criminal justice course. The bad part will be the fact I'll need to take Summer classes next year, but I'll still be done in time for the following school year.

What not to listen to......

There is a TV show Robyn and her mom like to watch called "What Not to Wear". I can't stand this show on many levels. It is one of a long line of shows with stylish hosts that offer fashion tips to people who are a bit clueless on the style thing. The gist is that the "cool" experts on fashion make fun of the person be helped and actually toss out her old clothes into a trash bin.

Even though they seem helpful, and the people are always grateful for their help, the two hosts of the show come off like total jackasses even down to thier "polite" demeanor.

You have fashoin problems? Do what I did. Get a girlfriend and let her pick out your clothes.

St. Patrick's Day '07

There was a big all-day block party in Raliegh for the event, sponsered by the local Irish pub, Tir Na Nog. I wasn't so interested in that as I was seeing one of the bands, the Battlefield Band. I heard them about 6-7 years agoon an NPR radio program and was hooked. Even Robyn liked them, and we're both pretty big into Celtic & Irish/ Scottish folk music, so we've been trying to see them for at least 6 years and last night we finally got the chance.

I must admit, I was skeptical going into it. I like outing this significant to be just for the two of us. I found out that "we" had invited a third wheel and I wasn't too happy. Not because I hate other people, but when you add more people, you add the opportunity for more problems....and we have had those issues where "friends" were invited and just ruined the whole night with thier grand-standing and emotional defects. To make the whole matter even better, the person "we" invited, invited another person to go with us. Robyn was pretty sure we were going to take seperate cars as well, but then they piled in talking about how drunk they were going to get. So we are thier "DD"'s, yeah....glad we could help out there.

We got a later start than I originally thought, mainly because the person we agreed to take with us worked that afternoon, and we needed to wait until they got off from work. I was getting flashbacks of previous times when special events were ruined by other people drama and it was starting to get me down.

Long story short, we got there late, the Battlefield Band had already started playing, but I guess it was for the best. It was cold & windy so not the most fun seeing them in a block party-type venue, but we were happy to see our favorite Scottish folk band play. We found out that they were going to play another set inside the pub, but we were not about to stay. However, our "guests" were inside the pub and we had to get them before we could leave. So we had to wait in an amusement park-sized line to get inside and when we finally got inside, it was so packed we couldn't find them for a good bit, so we stayed. This time the band was comfortable, we were comfortable, and there was a good time to be had by all, with plenty of drinking, dancing, and laughter to go around. The best part was the fact that the band signed Robyn's CDs and we got to meet them all.

I'll admit, Robyn choice was the better of the two this time. If the person "we" invited hadn't come along and brought her friend, it would not have been as nearly a special night. I'll say it was the most fun I've had in a quite long time and the most fun I've ever had in a bar setting.

So once again, you were right Robyn, you were right.

All these changes....

I don't quite see myself where I imagined myself when I was a kid. Some of it is true. People call me "Mike", I always thought of myself as a Mike. I like short and to the point names. I kinda figured myself as a tough, work with my hands type as an adult. Since I am a middle school ISS coordinator, I guess that's out. I wound up with a screwed up neck that seems to bother everyone but me. I guess I'll have to get it fixed one day since I don't like standing out for the wrong reasons. I guess the rock star thing is out too, especially seeing as how I can't sing or play an instrument.

I guess I'll have to settle for geeky science guy who has an inflated self-image.

Back to the grind....

Unfortunately, it's me being ground up. I returned to classes last night and saw the devastation first hand. I was, once again one of the "survivors". Many have already given up in all my classes, and I am passing. I'm pretty sure I'm not "upper crust" material, but I'm not a bottom feeder either.

I've decided to hit the ground running. I will not let a day pass without a minimum of 1 hour of study time. I passed on a boomerang curve in fast track A&P 1, I'll not need it in A&P 2. The class I should be enjoying, I'm squeaking by in due to the demands of A&P. This isn't boot camp. This isn't a marathon. It's a death march for my sanity and I'm fading fast. I'll have to go to graduation in a straightjacket...but I'll be there.

The Alamance County Cadillac Bank Account Massacre

After weeks of not even geting to touch that beat of a car, I finally got out to the shop to go through the nessisary tests to see if it wil run, or if it is beyond my ability (and price range) to restore it into a giant Sunday car. Much to my surprise, it fired up and after a difficult spell, it all smoothed out an started running like a car that had never been parked. It only took about 20 minutes of running. After that point, it didn't even smoke. Truly, that Caddy was one of the last great American cars. It looks as though there will be few mechanical problems. I told the fellow helping me to tell me something bad, I need to be discouraged. He said he couldn't, it looked real good to him.

She'll be a driver soon. Once the bugs are ironed out, It will be cosmetics time. Clean up, paint up, make her look new again.

Back when that car was new, to own a Caddy was a status symbol of success, you had finally arrived. That must be a good feeling.

Looking ahead, this will be a several year project, nothing is cheap on this car, but everything on it is built to last. If it's put back together properly, that car could be my old fart convertible until I'm an old fart.

Delilah

The Biblical one, I wonder about her sometimes. Did she know what they intended to do to Samson? I also wonder if it is an tale that is supposed to teach about trust, and how much to trust others.

Though I still wonder, did she love him? Was she regretful of this act the rest of her life, or did she "do what she had to do"? Did she feel bitter vindication when he killed all the Philistines by pulling the columns down?

Sometimes we love people more than they love us, and it can ruin a person.

I'm hatin' it

It is almost not worth being here, I hate it so much. This job might not be too bad, but it's either boring or frustrating and no mid-ground. If I didn't need the money, I'd be anywhere but here. I have a Cadillac to restore, a house to clean, and all sorts of other things I could be putting off right now if I were not at work.

I tried the last few days to try to sleep without the sleeping pills the Dr gave to help with my anxiety issues. Not too good. I can only assume Robyn was correct, in thatI have some sort of sleep apnia. Sadly, when you stop taking them, it is very hard to sleep. Great, now what? I guess I could take them until Spring break and give my body a week find it's balance again. I'm quite sure I don't have that many left, so we'll see.

Last night was like a nightmare-ish half-lucid, half-sleeping state. I was physically trying to sleep, and going to sleep, yet I was aware of time passing and of things happening in the house and still I was in a sort-of sleep state. The drugs they give you are horrible. Once they have you, they don't let go easily. Yet and despite my lament, I don't think I have slept so well or felt so good after waking since I was young. I don't believe I have ever felt so fully rested and ready to get up in the morning.

I feel guilty in a way, I've never been an advocate of medication and I feel the whole country is over medicated. Then I got to have a good night's sleep after having an anxiety attack and feel better than ever the next morning. I guess my opinion has been altered abit.... not entirely changed, but a bit relaxed.

free time

Wasting what little free time I have is a shame. The real tragedy is the fact that while I am in a very busy point in my life, I just don't want to do anything at all with my free time as I will be doing stuff and being very busy very soon. I guess a few hours of productivity wouldn't hurt.....but I don't have to like it.

A day dream in Spring.

I'm on Spring Break from college. I'm pretending this is what it will be like in a couple of years. I have a bit of extra cash, I'm good on my bills, and nothing to do in the meantime but do what I want after work. I could do this for awhile, but next week is back to anatomy boot camp and I'll be getting plenty to do. But I got throught the first half of anatomy boot camp and I'll survive the other. Then to Summer classes and quick trip to the end......May '08.

anatomy boot camp....

I took fast track A&P1 (anatomy & physiology) this semester. I took the final exam just last night. I was just guessing on it. But I passed well enough that I won't have to re-take it at a later date. He had to have had a massive curve on the final grade....

The class had many parallels to boot camp. The instructor just kick your ass and makes you feel stupid for about 8 weeks and then you get pushed through if you didn't give up. Expensive class too....it cost me an anxiety attack, a trip to the doctor, complete with an EKG, slleping pills, and my sanity.....but I know a lot of parts of the human body now it helped that some of the things breaking on me were things that he was discussing in class.

I just hope the classes don't get much worse than this. Either way, no more fast track after this semester.

May '08....still dead on target.

the face of evil

Nice. Robyn took a picture of me when we got new cell phones. I look like a serial killer in this one. We both looked at it and said "damn!". Now, for you viewing terror.

Ozzy show '94

In 1994, I went to my first Ozzy Osbourne show. I went to Sepultura and Type O Negative, and if I had to deal with granpa-rock, I guess it would be ok. Suprisingly enough, Ozzy is one hell of an entertainer when he's not too high. Needless to say, it was an awesome show. What I didn't realize is that during the concert, the guy who I rode with was in an accident and was rushed to the hospital. I found out while we were in the parking lot from people who I knew who had also attended the concert. The assumption was he was killed. His pregnant fiance was still in the building and I was urged to go find her. And I was promised that they would make sure I got a ride home. By the way, this was 35-40 miles from home. I didn't find her, but I came out to an empty parking lot. So there I was 17, no money, and stranded in the center of a ghetto in another city.

What to do? He was sent to Moses Cone hospital, an 8 mile trek through a ghetto on a Friday night. I had to hoof it. I was thrown out of the venue, the police that were attending were only kind enough to point in the direction of the hospital and tell me to move or get busted for loitering. During my 3 hour death march, I was accosted by a wino who wanted me to "lie down in the bushes with him" for $5. I was chased by a group of guys that were older than me. I think they were just trying to scare me....and it worked. I got side-tracked off the main road and lost in the worst section of Greensboro, NC. And there I was, a 5'9", 155lbs, long-haired, 17 year-old white kid lost in a very bad section of town.

After an hour or so of trying to meander towards down town (and hopefully a road I knew), I found a cabbie who was between fares. He was a very large African man who spoke in a thick, but fluid accent. I asked him for directions to the hospital, which he gladly gave me. He then looked around and asked where my car or bicycle was as it was very dangerous for a young white man to be out in these neighborhoods at night and I then explained everything that had happened to bring me to this point. He told me to get in his cab and he would take me to the hospital, which I uneasily did. He was very kind and told me all about his native country, Gambia. When we arrived at the hospital, I told him if he were willing to wait for me, I'd get my wallet and gladly pay him, he refused any payment and wished me well. I never saw him again, but I wish him only the best. He didn't have to do that, and I didn't ask. Sometimes I wish I could be a good a person as that cabbie.

As for the guy who promised to stay and make sure I was ok.....Shawn. I hope you burn in Hell.

nearing the halfway point

I really did a number on myself this semester, fast track and all science classes. I'm glad I'm not trying to consider my GPA for anything. If I get by just passing with the one anatomy class, I'll be grateful. I know I'll do better in the second one, since I know what is expected of me. It's a damn shame the professor has no idea how to let you know what he expects. I have to do Summer courses this year to get all the classes I need in for Fall courses. 14 months and counting.....if I pass that damn A&P class.

During my anxiety attack, a strained a muscle in my upper back and it's making exercise difficult. I've been taking sleeping pills since Wed. The doctor told me he thought if I was able to get a full night rest, I might not need any anti-anxiety medicine. So far, he's been right. I can breathe and it seems like my studying has been a bit more effective. I'm hoping it will be good enough for this time around. If I have to retake one class, it won't be devastating.....humbling, but not devastating. So I guess we'll see soon enough.

wow....

The stress response in human can mimick a variety of illnesses, and cause many problems. Even though it is a mental response, the side effects are quite real. The past few days, I've had shortness of breath, dizziness, headaches, and such. Most of these are symptoms of a real illness. I went to a doctor, he told me I was healthy.....after nearly $200 worth of tests plus drugs, he told me it's anxiety. I'm having anxiety attacks. Why? Too much stress. Too many jobs, too many classes, not enough relax time. I also have slight allergies....but anyway.

What to do? After the sleeping pill, and allergy pill, I awoke today totally refreshed.

I'm probably going to have to make some minor changes soon to aid in my overall health. I just need to figure out what I can be rid of easily.

10 effing hours.....

Not that I mind making money, but boy, I wish I didn't need it this bad.

Going back to school has several residual side-effects:

1. Always studying, so you get out of the loop for awhile.

2. Relationships are usually strained since you have no time. Strangely enough for me, this is not the case....at least not where it counts.

3. If you live alone (like me), your house will become a wreck. This is especially true for me, since I was never any good keeping house in the first place.

4. Your health can be effected. The stress of exams combined with eating anything you can grab makes for an unhealthy lifestyle.

5. Everything you want to do gets put on hold. You better be reading those books!!!

I must admit, I damn near bit off more than I can chew, but I'm in the process of regrouping and going at it ALL full force. If I don't, May '08 could be Dec '08, and that would put me way off schedule.

rough times

Sometimes you're the winshield, sometimes you're the bug.

buzz-buzz

Sadly behind

I've got two days to finish a lab report and finish memorizing the skeleton. I'm a little ashamed of myself, but I'll do great on both. I'm just now hitting my stride. My g/f told me it looks like I'm getting bigger from lifting....YAY! Now I only need to lose fat....