changes

I think I'm going through a change. I cannot define it nor can I tell where it will take me, but I am becoming a different person either way....I can feel it. Maybe all the things I am doing to improve my life are making me learn something about myself. I've spent 32 years feeling out of place in my own life and I'm just beginning to see where I belong. I don't know. I think school has jump-started my brain though. I was kind of shriveling up from not challenging myself.

I know that I don't think I've ever been happy once in my life. I don't define my life in terms of happiness, because I know for a fact life should not be 24/7 happiness, but a little bit would be nice. At least a bit that didn't come with a heap of misery behind it. Maybe I'm afraid to be happy. The closest I've come to happy in months is having my truck home. I can drive it, carry stuff around, and enjoy it in general. It's not even in great shape and has a long way to go before anyone other than me would want it, but I've wanted a little pickup for the longest time and now I have one. I even feel half-ashamed that I did get a bit of a smile when I was driving it this afternoon. People shouldn't get joy from material possessions.

Working out has changed me too. I have a long way to go, but I'm pretty much in the best shape I've seem in 12 years. I will eventually get to the flat belly and what not, but in the meantime......

There is something missing though, and has been for awhile. I won't go into detail. Although this is my Soapbox of the Soul, there are something I will not openly disclose. That is something I hope will workout too.