re-focus

I'm taking a bit of time to myself before I go full-on for the last of three. Two down and I did better than I expected on the first, and I know I did well on the middle. Exam three will be most crucial. After that one is in, I'll know where I stand. As of now I'm standing pretty good.

Last year I was derailed by a horrible case of strep throat that I let get out of control. Now my throat has been bothering me for a bit off and on for about a month. Can't tell if I've been snoring or if it's allergies or what but I told Robyn last night and she told me not to even play around and get my ass to the doctor. I agree with her. I'll go this week if it doesn't stop bothering me after my last exam. Maybe I'll go on a day she has off and we can make a lunch date of it. I'll talking to you, Robyn. ;-)

I'll will say this, I've changed from this experience. I'm more focused than I've ever been in my life. I'm more determined and level-headed. I feel like a different person. People mean more to me (certain people, anyway). Life means more to me.

During my five-year plan to better myself, life has taken many unexpected turns. I started all this for very different reasons. Now I see myself at the end of the first of probably many five-year plans. I realize now the thing I wanted more than anything, is the one thing I had all along.

focus

Why write when I should be studying? Focus. When I hit my saturation point, I refocus by writing. In 12 hours it will all be over for this exam and I have to begin on the next one. I'm feeling pretty solid on most all of it. As long as he doesn't focus on what I don't know, I should do very well.

I want a diploma come July 25th. Time to earn it.

tiring pace

I've finished one of three exams and I'm taking a short break from the books for #2. This is very mentally draining. I'm disappointed with my first exam, I know I'll do much better on #2. The third is crucial that I pass. The pressure is building, but I have to make it. Everything rides on this and my ability to pull through. 4 weeks left...time to break out the keg of whoop-ass.

The Last Push

Four weeks to go. These next two will be the hardest by far. 3 exams back-to-back. One tonight, one Saturday morning, and one Tuesday night.

I'm pumped.
I'm primed.
I'm as ready as I'm going to get for #1.
I'll be ready for #2 come Saturday, but I still have work to do yet.

It all comes down to this.
Wish me luck.

Back on

I've not been fighting "the losing battle" for awhile. I made great progress with 30 pounds from mid-October to February. School and such has kept me from keeping my eye on the prize. I've gained 5 pounds since February, so now I must refocus on my goal of getting under 200 by the end of the school year.

On June 6th, my 34th birthday, I want to weigh under 200.

To do this I must:

Get back on my diet and cut back on splurges.
Exercise 3 times a week.

I bet I could lose most of it in the first month. I know what must be done, and it will happen.

I'm not waiting until Monday for a "fresh start", I'm starting NOW.

dark day

It has been my goal for the past 5 years to get my BA degree and get into a career. At first I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted more for myself. Then I fell into education. I started out by being a part-time substitute teacher to pay my way through school while I was getting my AA degree and I loved it. I wound up working full time at a middle school as an In-School Suspension Coordinator. After two years of trials and tribulations, I made it back to college. I’ve been at Guilford College for two years working on a Forensic Biology degree and I am so close to finishing that it very essence saturates every pore and overwhelms all my senses. I just have felt like everything was coming together.

Until last week…

As I was looking at job openings for my school system, my school posted an opening for a science teacher and I became elated. I couldn’t wait to talk to my principal to re-emphasize my eagerness to fill that position. She said that she had already filled the position and my heart hit the floor. Who? Our 8th grade math teacher was offering to step down to 7th grade science to fill the position so that her student teacher could have a job here. The fact that she gave a kind of laugh made me feel like more of an afterthought than before. Yes, the girl is talented, and more personable than I am, and yes, math is more in demand than science. I understand why it was done the way it was done, but my four years of loyalty and hard work meant nothing and that cuts deep and makes me question everything about myself.

I don’t think I’m a priority anywhere or in any facet of my life. I’m not saying that my life is all that horrible, because it’s not. But I have never in my life caught a good break and I get mad as Hell sometimes thinking about how much I struggle for things other people just have and have nicer and more of it than I do.

I don’t want to understand.
I don’t want to count my blessings.
I don’t want to grin and bear it.
I want to slap every kid that can’t behave in public.
I want stomp a mud hole in every parent that doesn’t give a damn about his or her children.
I want to call out everyone who blames everyone for their problems except themselves.
I want every millionaire that made their fortunes exploiting people, never giving back, and destroying quality of life stripped of their worldly possession and thrown into prison.
I want a giant tsunami to wipe all the trashy, over-priced beach resorts away that made it impossible for poor people to ever have a good vacation.
I want to cause pain with my thoughts

My blood is like fire and my wrath is white-hot.

Oh well, I feel better now. Back to studying.

*disclaimer*
These statements are simply creative expressions not to be interpreted as threats of violence towards any person. I do not condone violence towards others. Take what you can from it, examine yourself and use that energy to create something positive in your life. If you can only express yourself or vent frustration through physical violence, buy a punching bag get a great workout, and harm none.

Thank You.

not nice today

After sleeping on a pillow of tear-soaked losing lottery tickets last night, I dreadfully awoke and came to my weekend job.

I work at a service station (gas, oil changes, car inspections, tire repairs, etc.). I tend to work alone more often than not. While working here does help me continue on working towards my degree, it also makes me very anti-social. I realize that people ask questions that I can't answer to their satisfaction. In fact people do all sorts of things I can't believe. Here's a few:

1. customer "Yeah, I want _________ exactly where are you located, or tell me what you are near?"
me "Yes sir, we are located at **** South ****** St. in west Burlington. We are between ***** and ******* streets. We're across the street from ******** (a local landmark) and right beside **********, the old abandoned steak house (also a local landmark)."

customer "Yeah... I'm new to the area, I don't know where any of that is, can you be more specific?"

me "....."

That happens no fewer than 12 times a day. How can I tell you where I am if you have no idea where you are?

2. me "Sir? Yes, your inspection is done. I'm sorry but your car (a 12 year-old economy car with 295,000 miles that is literally bleeding to death in the bay, it smells of filth and is completely trashed) failed to pass due to the things listed here. This is what it will cost for me to fix them, and you'll be able to get your inspection sticker."

customer "Well, ain't never noticed this before!"

How often do grossly fat people do a "look over" inspection of their car? I can only assume he thought his $500 rolling dirty bomb was supposed to last forever.

3. Customer pulls up to "full service" gas pumps and waits.

me "Yes ma'am?"

customer "Yes, please check my fluid levels under the hood."

me (after looking it over) "Yes ma'am, you're a little low on oil, what grade do you prefer?"

customer "Oh, it's too expensive here, I'll put some it in later."

me "..."

You know, we tend to only offer service to paying customers. Sorry, but it's kind of how businesses stay open.

Moving Van rental.

Customer returns after having the van 5 hours. "This van is a piece of crap! I want a refund!"

me "..."

Customer "Well?"

me "You had it for FIVE hours and there is 100 miles on it."

Customer "So?"

me "It took 5 hours and 100 mile to realize it was junk? That's just about a full move, so no, I can't refund anything. If fact you owe me more money. If you are unhappy with the vehicle, we need to know before you leave, at the very least before 100 miles and five hours."

Customer then leaves in a huff.

And you wonder why the guy at the station is such a grump.

7 weeks and counting

My next cell bio exam will be on DNA. I'm pretty darn good at DNA, so I'm not worrying too much.

I have to really hit the books hard in A&P2, but it is all mostly review for me. My goal for the next three weeks is to hit the books hard and give myself a little wiggle room in the grades.

The stress level is very high at the moment. I really don't think I could deal with too much more. After this semester, it's all down hill.

the longest mile.......

Starting tomorrow begins the 8-week stretch to the end of Spring term. I have the last half of Cell Bio and A&P2. No doubt the hardest two classes in the curriculum. I will have to study intently nearly every day between here and May 7th to pull it off. I've come too far to balk at the obstacle now.

This experience has changed me. I try to do thing to the finish now, not just "good enough". I find myself going a little crazy when I have nothing to do. I am obsessed with doing things the right way. I know more about where and what my limits are. I thought I knew what was important and what made me happy. Now I know.

I've recently discovered my credit situation is far worse than I imagined. And it was very bad then. I intend on taking very swift action to rectify the situation.

My diet is in the tank. I can't seem to control myself outside of work, and I eat like a fool when I'm eating out. I also have not began my exercise again, but the weather is getting better all the time and I can be more active.

Things are going to be hard, but I refuse to accept anything less than success.

good times

Life is rough right now, but I'm pretty happy with the way things are going. My diet has been for crap recently, but that's all good too. Things are looking up. By this time next year, I'll be better that ever.

This the first time in my life I have no regrets for my actions. Feels pretty damn good.

bad kid

About once every year, we have at least one truly rotten kid come along at my school. I mean truly, to the core, evil. I'm not using the word lightly either. When kids like that come along, they jar your very belief system. They make me question; "Why the Hell do I do this?" I sometime seriously ponder other careers. I don't know if it's because they make me realize my authority over them is an illusion, because I truly can't "make" them do anything they are not willing to do. Maybe that bothers me a little... okay, it bothers me a lot and I need an answer to the question I keep asking myself. If all I do can't help kids that need our help that badly. Why bother? I need the answer to that more than I need the bachelors' degree I'm working on to continue this career path. Why put myself through that?

The answer is he's only one. For one kid like that, we have one hundred good ones that I can manage, that listen, that remind me how good they really are and how much hope there still is left. That one bad kid doesn't deserve that much of my thought. I'll be concerned about the kid who wants to listen, the child that wants better, and is tired of the bad kids.

The evil one, I can't help him, but there are 600 every year that need me and I need them too. He needs me too, but he'll not realize how much we have to offer until it's too late, if ever at all.

the day my ship came in....

was today....I played the lottery and hit some numbers. I won $12. I bought a cheeseburger and more lottery tickets with my new found fortune. I wondered if it would change me at all as I munched on the sweet taste of victory that tasted bacon-y....

Nah, I'm still me I won't forget my humble roots.

ha ha ha

It was kind of nice, I didn't have lunch money and I left my food at home this morning.

school daze

Classes will be a challenge for the rest of the semester. The only thing I know is that I'm not going for an advanced degree any time soon. This is really tiring. I've actually thought about changing careers so I don't have to do anymore school for awhile, but I'm here now.

on the wagon

I've started strictly counting my WW points again. The first few days are the toughest. It's like starting all over again. I guess you kind of need to take a break from it every now and then. The good news is I didn't gain any at all and I ate like a pig! So maybe when I get to my goal weight, upkeep will be easy.

resolve

I've got a lot on my plate this week. One lab report, one class presentation, and I need to start my 20-page ethics final paper. Wow.

My next issue is to get rolling on my studies. I'm almost finished, but damn, I'm tired.

I like to daydream about life in the years ahead. Just a regular old, normal life. Yep, sounds good to me.

heading down the final lap

Yep, the light is at the end of the tunnel for me. I'm nearly ready to graduate with my 4-year degree. I'm heading into the home stretch on fumes and a loud knock in my engine. ie, I'm burned out big time. I'm going to have to put that master's degree on hold until I can get my head back into the game. In 5 weeks I've got to re-take the only class I failed. A&P2 was a beast last time, and I doubt it will be any easier this time except that I know what to do to pass.

diet? wuzzat?

After several weeks of no losses on the scale, I realize I need to re-focus. Starting today, I'm going to map out my meals and days effective tomorrow and include weekly exercise. I'd like to get a really nice treadmill that folds up, but I'm not going to wait between here and there to make it happen.

Back to the battle

I took two weeks off my new "food lifestyle". Now I feel healed and I'm going back to the sensible eating. I'm also going to budget in a few days of active time to firm myself back up. By next next Fall, I want to look awesome.

The end of all things...

February can be a tough month, but not as tough as January. The Winter of discontent is now over. I must play catch up, but a tax return and tuition check will help that.

I decided not to pursue the restoration of the Caddy. It would cost far too much money and I really don't want an old Cadillac anyway. I've also been given way too many offers to keep it. I have nothing at all in it right now, so I can't lose. I've decided quit while I'm ahead.

I think I will always have something to keep me busy. I've always been that way. If I just sit around with no project, I lose my mind. I get depressed without a goal. I see now I may never retire.

battle of the bulge - shore leave

I've been sick for a week, as a result, I've been curtailing my dieting. I think that a person can only really fight one battle at a time, and since infection is life-threatening, the battle of the bulge is in a temporary cease-fire. I've been doing very well, and I think I'm ahead of schedule. Besides, I'm not really binging per se, just indulging a bit more than usual. I probaly won't gain, I'll just won't lose either.

Next Tuesday, I'll go back full blast and probably include some light exercise too.