expert at nothing

I realized yesterday that although I have a broad and varied field of knowledge, I'm not really an expert on anything. I'd like to be the defintive "go-to guy" for something, but I'm not.

no lifeguard on duty, swim at your own risk.

I'm working several days at the shop this week for a guy who's going on vacation. So I get a decent piece of extra cash for this month and it's already spent.

I trying to teach Robyn's youngest child to ride a bike. I used to be an avid mountain biker when I was younger and I'm trying to get back into it. Not only am I remembering how much I liked it, I think it will help shape my body more into what I want to look like.

Speaking of body building, I've been growing and making gains, but it has been noted that my gut doesn't seem to be going anywhere and it's getting frustrating. I know it takes years of determined effort to make a complete change, but I'd like a bit of a taper at the waist to look better. People at school saw me an hour after a workout and noticed I was pumped up and that is great ego candy, but I want some big results.

Actually, I want something to make me feel good about myself. I'm balding, and have been for about 10 years, my hair looks bad no matter what I do to it so I just buzz it off. I'm fat and I'm broke, my credit is so rotten I can't get a decent car. It seems as though even though I've joined the Credit Union, if your credit history looks like you never pay off your credit obligations, you're too much of a risk for them. So I can't get out of my embarrassingly ugly car and have a decent vehicle.

Everything I want is going to take me two or more years to accomplish, and it's so damn frustrating because there is no guarantee it's all going to be alright.

They say that when you're drowning, after a few minutes of initial panic, your mind starts shutting down and pumps your body full of endorphins to calm you down. As you succumb from oxygen deprivation, you are in a euphoric state, aka high. No real importance other sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of bullshit.

I wonder if that's why people hit rock bottom, they see no way out of their problems and they succumb to apathy, drugs, whatever and just give up.

the misadventure continues.....

I want to try to compress my 3 day courses into two days for fall. The only elective I have should be movable. That is my only quip with school.

I've been putting off everything under the sun. I need to finish the work to my car, but I haven't gotten the initiative to do it.

This past Sunday I revived my mountain bike. I bought a GT Palomar in the early/mid 90's and never really got too much use out of it. Sadly, I had a Huffy that was a fraction of that bike and rode it silly. When I was mountain biking, I was in the best shape of my life. I want to rekindle my love of that activity and shed a few dozen pounds of blubber in the process. I never actually stopped liking the mountain biking, but hectic work schedules and my own laziness made it difficult to find time to keep up the hobby.

My workout program seems to be doing well. I'm right at the three month mark and I'm happy with the gains I've made, but I do need to lose some fat with it. Most of the "legitimate" workouts show decent results after 6 months of dedicated work. I hope to have that 6 month difference look about the time school restarts.

school's out, school's out!!!!!!

Last week I packed my stuff up and said farewell to GMS for the Summer. Although it pays a pathetic amount of money, I feel important there and I miss it terribly. During the Summer, I'm Mike, I stay at home all week and go pump gas on Sunday. During the school year, I'm Mr. Wilson, the ISS teacher and you better do what I say if you know what's best for you.

My end of year review was glowing, I expected as much. I'm very dedicated to my work.

I've always been competitive in such ways. I always want to be noticably useful in whatever I do. There has to be something I do better than anyone else. I can accept not being the best, but I always want to be among the best.

Summer becomes the time for projects and fresh starts. It's a time of reflection. I ask myself what I can improve upon next school year and move towards it.

who am i?

A very odd question for a 32yr old man to ask himself. Ever more odd the answer: I don't know.

I guess we're a puddle of genetic material mated to a life of experiences and how they form our actions and feelings.

I really don't know how to express my feelings to others. I've tried in the past and been hurt for the gesture. To a certain extent, I'm not sure I have feelings the same way other people do. I know the older I get, the less I care to share.

I've been told I am eligible for a student loan, so I go to college this fall. May 2008, here I come. I've dreamed of marching up there to get my degree for years. I'm ready to feel like I've done something with my life.

On Charles Darwin

I admire and respect Charles Darwin. The man said so much that is both accepted, quoted, and hated. He was not a showman like PT Barnum, but a scientist and philosopher. His theory on evolution is taught in classrooms today. Even over 100 years later, people talk about him and his work with the same fervor as they did when it was fresh.

Radical concepts that put God out of the context of explaining science. Survival of the fittest, over time, a speices changes to better fit its environment. This is true. The strongest and most fit survive to pass on their strong genes to the benefit of the species. This also is true.

At the website Paul and I created, Darwinized.com, we have a great portrait of Charles Darwin in the banner. It's so profound. The aged man has a harsh, weary, and seemingly disapproving stare. Like he's sick of everyone and everything. He seems to have been just sick of hearing everyones BS, and is saying "whatever, you're all idiots".

Almost all of the Darwinized.com videos are of someone being an idiot and getting hurt.....badly. I say to hell with it, pull all of the warning labels off everything and let the problem take care of itself. Passive eugenics, to quote George Carlin, is the name. Let the people too stupid to survive remove themselves from the gene pool.

evolution

Working on darwinized.com is changing my writing style. I'm not too sure it's a good thing, maybe it is.

I like writing commentary on the video clips, I feel like different person when I do it. Most of the time I'm an in-school suspension teacher (and to tell you the truth, I don't know how the Hell I wound up here). I have to talk a certain way, dress a certain way, behave in a certain way. When I comment on darwinized, I get to be crass, vulgar, and rude. I get to talk about the things I like. I can talk like I talk to my friends.

I guess it's important because I like it. There's something to be said about appealing to the lowest common denominator in us all. Those cheap, low shots are usually the most effective.

gulity pleasure numbs the soul

It's true. Wading through hours of video clips of people getting maimedas a result of thier own brainless actions kinda makes you feel less. I haven't been inspired to write here too much.

I think I've realized to get what I want out of life, I have to do things that don't agree with my morals. My life has so little to do with how I feel. I guess that makes me have little to say.

I could just be a bit tired and depressed. I think I'm catching a cold.

The birth of a new venture

Last week Paul & I started a new website, darwinized.com. Paul had a concept for "pain tv" where we have video clips of people getting injured in whatever way, be it fighting, racing, stupid stunts, ect. I'd like to get some original content, but the net is funny like that. So far, were posting basically classics and putting fresh commentary to them. Within two months, we'll have enough content to really push the sight for heavy traffic. I'm enjoying the work so far, I see it as a hobby site that has the potential to make money.

The Darwinized.com hoodie, That would look good riding around on a motorcycle. Some kid come up and says "You KNOW about darwinized? That site is sick!" I can say "Yeah, I'm Mr. Wilson." and feel like a celebrity for about a minute. That would be so cool.

I no longer want to change the world. I want to collect the misery and suffering, put it all under one roof, and sell tickets like a virtual freakshow. I can't stop the suffering, but I can put up a website and sell t-shirts.

I feel so dirty inside, but I like dirty if it pays.

babysitter.....

Someone told me once I was an overpaid babysitter. I am an underpaid baby sitter.

$3/hour per kid * 8 hours * 5 days a week * 40 weeks in a school year = babysitter money

12 * 3 = 36

36 * 8 = 288

288 * 5 = 1440

1440 * 40 = 57600 a year

I'll take the baby sitter money

hypochristians

Although I didn't have to, I went to Mebane last night to go see Robyn. Her kids were in some sort of afterschool care singing deal and wanted me to go with her. I didn't put 2 +2 together until I got there.

1. They go to a church-based afterschool program and the presentation was at said church.

+

2. It was Wedensday night.

=

MOTHER F***ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got roped into a Wendensday night church service, during a revival no less. On youth night. I thought we would be ok, just hear them do thier thing and scoot. Nope, we had some hellfire and brimstone preacher spewing all manner of prejudice and hatred our way.

I'm an atheist, but I try to respect others beliefs. I'll even admit, I've tried to feel it. I tried to believe. I want to believe, but I can't. I want to believe when I die, I'll get to go to a nice happy place where I'll see my Grandparents and maybe Buddy again. Everybody you love will be there and they'll all be so happy to see you. Like a cook out at a family reunion. A place where everything will be ok and everything that happened in life will make sense.

I have never seen any ghosts, goblins, demons, angels, or any other fairy tale ingredients. I have not witnessed miracles nor karma in action. I've seen no magic, nor mystery that couldn't be explained. If God loves and doesn't want me burning in Hell, can't he just throw me bone, give me a nudge in the right direction? He can't, or he won't. If he won't, did he ever love me? If he can't, how can he be called a god?

Anyway, Robyn's children sang quite well. I was surprized to say the least. Then I had to hear all the other nonsense. All these ugly mutants coming up to shake my hand. Then this fellow gets up and preaches about turning away from God. He talks about sin. Homosexuality, abortions, the abomination of not looking like "us", talking like "us". My shoes were ruined with all the BS. What about accepting people? Oh, yeah, and he needs your money! And he wants you to give your money and then provide services for the church that you would normally pay someone to do.

You know, they should have paid me to come to the service, but no. They wanted ME to put money in the plate. That was not going to happen.

It was very obvious to me that they spared all expense putting that dump together. The cross behind the pulpit was a gaint thing made of wood and stained brown, wrapped in christmas lights.

Robyn's mom attended, she's a praticing Roman Catholic and felt it was all full of crap and messes with the preacher at least one time. I have a bit of respect for her. She has the guts to say whats on her mind and gets her way quite a bit. She's no longer allowed to take communion because she married a divorced non-catholic. She divorced a man who cheated on her quite a bit and married a fellow that has been faithful to her for years longer than her first marriage.

You want me to tell you what I think? When a person can wear his best suit, clutch his bible, jump up and down and tell me about all the ills of the world and be the biggest hypocrit. They only make a big deal about the stuff they don't like. Homosexuality is an abomonation, but working on Sunday is ok. Premaritail sex is bad but men shaving thier heads is cool. (it's in there look it up!)

When you sit there and cherry pick the stuff that you feel is most imortant in a book full of no-no's. Then you are stunningly, and completly full of s**t and have alot of nerve telling others how to live their lives.

exercise

Paul and I have just completed week 8 of our workout routine. They say after 8 weeks you'll have noticable improvements, that's the truth. I guess when you make it to that point and you just begin to see definition, the have you hooked. You want to see more and you're willing to try more stuff to get more results. I've also started becoming more physically active in areas other than just workout day, so I think I'll start seeing burned calories there too, which will lead to better visible results.

Talking about results. I sleep like a baby, I'm more alert during the day, and I have energy and will to do more things. Everything on me is thicker, except my belly. Although I have not lost wieght, I tend to hold it better now, maybe because some of that lard is now replaced with calorie-eating muscle.

I was kinda hoping to have my belly whittled down by my birthday, but I guess that was just wishful thinking. I am very happy with the results so far. I do want the 6 month to be impressive, however. I'll have to work on getting that goal crushed.

September 20, 2006.....here I come.

Stunning

Not busy my buttocks! This Sunday I got a fair dose of everything. Shocking revalations, very angry customers, humor, the taint of New York City, the shock of really screwing up, and non-stop action.

I was busy all day Sunday, from 7:58 until 6:20 I had people in the shop all day. We close at 6:00, but a woman pulled up with a nail in her tire and I didn't have the heart to turn her away. I'd like to think someone would go the extra mile for me one day. She was driving a red PT Cruiser with 30-day tags, I actually liked the color quite a bit. Don't realy want one though. I figure everyone needs a break every now and then. I did a few other minor screw ups, but the store made money, I gave pretty decent service all day and other than the very angry Uhaul customers it was a good day for Doby's Texaco.

the corner has been rounded

At some point yesterday, I realized my job is not as great as I thought. Then I realized I can only work in the capacity that I've been given, which is very limited. Now my attitude is much better. I realize now that attempting to be anything other than a discipline figure is pointless. These kids only respond when you're mean to them.

sacrifice

What do you want most in this world?

How much are you willing to give up to achieve this goal?

How bad do you really want it? Is it worth the sacrifice?

You can learn alot about yourself by how determined you are to accomplish your goals.

what career?

For the second time in two weeks, I really regret working as an ISS coordinator. I'm grateful for my job and I'm loyal to my boss, but why even care when your job is barely an afterthought. Discipline is barely considered at this school. It is very possible that if given the choice, they'd disband the program. It is however paid for by central office, so I guess it doesn't hurt to get the funds. I want to be the best I can be, but I feel like I have not been given the resources to be successful. The only thing I can do to continue this line of work is to detatch myself emotionally from the job and plod through the motions until I finish my B.S.

Burnout

I'm so ready for Summer vacation that I can't stand it. I want some improvements for school next year. I need a phone so I can call parents. Too many bad kids. I need a couple of months away.

continuing racial tensions

Robyn has two bi-racial kids. I like them and there is no problem there. My problem is with the way they seem to be treated. I'm personally sick of race related nonsense. I've been called racist by every subgroup in the book. To all thoses people : 1975 called, they want their tired-ass race card back. The sad part is we want to end racism, but all these racist groups still exist.

Robyn's oldest daughter is at risk for failing, yet on awards day, some nonsense group want to award her for minority achievement. Congradulations, little girl, you're the blackest kid in class! Expecting something due to the color of your skin is wrong, especially if you have earned nothing. That being said, I'd love to see both of her kids achieve great things and I'll do whatever I can to help, but I don't want them lulled into a false sense of accomplishment.

Do these sad little groups even aknowledge the fact that they ecourage segragation? Do they take the time to consider what these false awards do to people?

D&D

My new group just hit a high point last night. This has the potential to be the best gaming group in awhile. I'm actually looking forward to the next game. I've always liked RPG's and even when they weren't ran that well. But a good DM with enthusiastic players is a lot of fun. Last night was one of the most satisfying sessions I've had in a very long time.

Humor, drama, and action, all the things that make it great. All the players were feeding off one another. We actually split up three ways and it was still very engageing. It wrapped up with a climatic to be continued. Absolutely awesome.

The sad part is I may have to take a hiatus from gaming due to college. There is no question that D&D vs my education, there is no contest. I kinda hope there is a compromise. If not, I guess I'll take a 6 month hiatus and hope we're still playing.

Crammed

I realized yesterday that my posts were huge and had too many different things in them. For now, I'm altering my format to stick with on subject at a time. I'm trying to ever-improve my style and make my content a bit easier to read and I feel that cramming to much into a "dear diary" makes my stuff less interesting (if that's possible), so streamlining is the order of the day.