dark day

It has been my goal for the past 5 years to get my BA degree and get into a career. At first I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted more for myself. Then I fell into education. I started out by being a part-time substitute teacher to pay my way through school while I was getting my AA degree and I loved it. I wound up working full time at a middle school as an In-School Suspension Coordinator. After two years of trials and tribulations, I made it back to college. I’ve been at Guilford College for two years working on a Forensic Biology degree and I am so close to finishing that it very essence saturates every pore and overwhelms all my senses. I just have felt like everything was coming together.

Until last week…

As I was looking at job openings for my school system, my school posted an opening for a science teacher and I became elated. I couldn’t wait to talk to my principal to re-emphasize my eagerness to fill that position. She said that she had already filled the position and my heart hit the floor. Who? Our 8th grade math teacher was offering to step down to 7th grade science to fill the position so that her student teacher could have a job here. The fact that she gave a kind of laugh made me feel like more of an afterthought than before. Yes, the girl is talented, and more personable than I am, and yes, math is more in demand than science. I understand why it was done the way it was done, but my four years of loyalty and hard work meant nothing and that cuts deep and makes me question everything about myself.

I don’t think I’m a priority anywhere or in any facet of my life. I’m not saying that my life is all that horrible, because it’s not. But I have never in my life caught a good break and I get mad as Hell sometimes thinking about how much I struggle for things other people just have and have nicer and more of it than I do.

I don’t want to understand.
I don’t want to count my blessings.
I don’t want to grin and bear it.
I want to slap every kid that can’t behave in public.
I want stomp a mud hole in every parent that doesn’t give a damn about his or her children.
I want to call out everyone who blames everyone for their problems except themselves.
I want every millionaire that made their fortunes exploiting people, never giving back, and destroying quality of life stripped of their worldly possession and thrown into prison.
I want a giant tsunami to wipe all the trashy, over-priced beach resorts away that made it impossible for poor people to ever have a good vacation.
I want to cause pain with my thoughts

My blood is like fire and my wrath is white-hot.

Oh well, I feel better now. Back to studying.

*disclaimer*
These statements are simply creative expressions not to be interpreted as threats of violence towards any person. I do not condone violence towards others. Take what you can from it, examine yourself and use that energy to create something positive in your life. If you can only express yourself or vent frustration through physical violence, buy a punching bag get a great workout, and harm none.

Thank You.

not nice today

After sleeping on a pillow of tear-soaked losing lottery tickets last night, I dreadfully awoke and came to my weekend job.

I work at a service station (gas, oil changes, car inspections, tire repairs, etc.). I tend to work alone more often than not. While working here does help me continue on working towards my degree, it also makes me very anti-social. I realize that people ask questions that I can't answer to their satisfaction. In fact people do all sorts of things I can't believe. Here's a few:

1. customer "Yeah, I want _________ exactly where are you located, or tell me what you are near?"
me "Yes sir, we are located at **** South ****** St. in west Burlington. We are between ***** and ******* streets. We're across the street from ******** (a local landmark) and right beside **********, the old abandoned steak house (also a local landmark)."

customer "Yeah... I'm new to the area, I don't know where any of that is, can you be more specific?"

me "....."

That happens no fewer than 12 times a day. How can I tell you where I am if you have no idea where you are?

2. me "Sir? Yes, your inspection is done. I'm sorry but your car (a 12 year-old economy car with 295,000 miles that is literally bleeding to death in the bay, it smells of filth and is completely trashed) failed to pass due to the things listed here. This is what it will cost for me to fix them, and you'll be able to get your inspection sticker."

customer "Well, ain't never noticed this before!"

How often do grossly fat people do a "look over" inspection of their car? I can only assume he thought his $500 rolling dirty bomb was supposed to last forever.

3. Customer pulls up to "full service" gas pumps and waits.

me "Yes ma'am?"

customer "Yes, please check my fluid levels under the hood."

me (after looking it over) "Yes ma'am, you're a little low on oil, what grade do you prefer?"

customer "Oh, it's too expensive here, I'll put some it in later."

me "..."

You know, we tend to only offer service to paying customers. Sorry, but it's kind of how businesses stay open.

Moving Van rental.

Customer returns after having the van 5 hours. "This van is a piece of crap! I want a refund!"

me "..."

Customer "Well?"

me "You had it for FIVE hours and there is 100 miles on it."

Customer "So?"

me "It took 5 hours and 100 mile to realize it was junk? That's just about a full move, so no, I can't refund anything. If fact you owe me more money. If you are unhappy with the vehicle, we need to know before you leave, at the very least before 100 miles and five hours."

Customer then leaves in a huff.

And you wonder why the guy at the station is such a grump.

7 weeks and counting

My next cell bio exam will be on DNA. I'm pretty darn good at DNA, so I'm not worrying too much.

I have to really hit the books hard in A&P2, but it is all mostly review for me. My goal for the next three weeks is to hit the books hard and give myself a little wiggle room in the grades.

The stress level is very high at the moment. I really don't think I could deal with too much more. After this semester, it's all down hill.

the longest mile.......

Starting tomorrow begins the 8-week stretch to the end of Spring term. I have the last half of Cell Bio and A&P2. No doubt the hardest two classes in the curriculum. I will have to study intently nearly every day between here and May 7th to pull it off. I've come too far to balk at the obstacle now.

This experience has changed me. I try to do thing to the finish now, not just "good enough". I find myself going a little crazy when I have nothing to do. I am obsessed with doing things the right way. I know more about where and what my limits are. I thought I knew what was important and what made me happy. Now I know.

I've recently discovered my credit situation is far worse than I imagined. And it was very bad then. I intend on taking very swift action to rectify the situation.

My diet is in the tank. I can't seem to control myself outside of work, and I eat like a fool when I'm eating out. I also have not began my exercise again, but the weather is getting better all the time and I can be more active.

Things are going to be hard, but I refuse to accept anything less than success.

good times

Life is rough right now, but I'm pretty happy with the way things are going. My diet has been for crap recently, but that's all good too. Things are looking up. By this time next year, I'll be better that ever.

This the first time in my life I have no regrets for my actions. Feels pretty damn good.

bad kid

About once every year, we have at least one truly rotten kid come along at my school. I mean truly, to the core, evil. I'm not using the word lightly either. When kids like that come along, they jar your very belief system. They make me question; "Why the Hell do I do this?" I sometime seriously ponder other careers. I don't know if it's because they make me realize my authority over them is an illusion, because I truly can't "make" them do anything they are not willing to do. Maybe that bothers me a little... okay, it bothers me a lot and I need an answer to the question I keep asking myself. If all I do can't help kids that need our help that badly. Why bother? I need the answer to that more than I need the bachelors' degree I'm working on to continue this career path. Why put myself through that?

The answer is he's only one. For one kid like that, we have one hundred good ones that I can manage, that listen, that remind me how good they really are and how much hope there still is left. That one bad kid doesn't deserve that much of my thought. I'll be concerned about the kid who wants to listen, the child that wants better, and is tired of the bad kids.

The evil one, I can't help him, but there are 600 every year that need me and I need them too. He needs me too, but he'll not realize how much we have to offer until it's too late, if ever at all.

the day my ship came in....

was today....I played the lottery and hit some numbers. I won $12. I bought a cheeseburger and more lottery tickets with my new found fortune. I wondered if it would change me at all as I munched on the sweet taste of victory that tasted bacon-y....

Nah, I'm still me I won't forget my humble roots.

ha ha ha

It was kind of nice, I didn't have lunch money and I left my food at home this morning.

school daze

Classes will be a challenge for the rest of the semester. The only thing I know is that I'm not going for an advanced degree any time soon. This is really tiring. I've actually thought about changing careers so I don't have to do anymore school for awhile, but I'm here now.

on the wagon

I've started strictly counting my WW points again. The first few days are the toughest. It's like starting all over again. I guess you kind of need to take a break from it every now and then. The good news is I didn't gain any at all and I ate like a pig! So maybe when I get to my goal weight, upkeep will be easy.

resolve

I've got a lot on my plate this week. One lab report, one class presentation, and I need to start my 20-page ethics final paper. Wow.

My next issue is to get rolling on my studies. I'm almost finished, but damn, I'm tired.

I like to daydream about life in the years ahead. Just a regular old, normal life. Yep, sounds good to me.

heading down the final lap

Yep, the light is at the end of the tunnel for me. I'm nearly ready to graduate with my 4-year degree. I'm heading into the home stretch on fumes and a loud knock in my engine. ie, I'm burned out big time. I'm going to have to put that master's degree on hold until I can get my head back into the game. In 5 weeks I've got to re-take the only class I failed. A&P2 was a beast last time, and I doubt it will be any easier this time except that I know what to do to pass.

diet? wuzzat?

After several weeks of no losses on the scale, I realize I need to re-focus. Starting today, I'm going to map out my meals and days effective tomorrow and include weekly exercise. I'd like to get a really nice treadmill that folds up, but I'm not going to wait between here and there to make it happen.

Back to the battle

I took two weeks off my new "food lifestyle". Now I feel healed and I'm going back to the sensible eating. I'm also going to budget in a few days of active time to firm myself back up. By next next Fall, I want to look awesome.

The end of all things...

February can be a tough month, but not as tough as January. The Winter of discontent is now over. I must play catch up, but a tax return and tuition check will help that.

I decided not to pursue the restoration of the Caddy. It would cost far too much money and I really don't want an old Cadillac anyway. I've also been given way too many offers to keep it. I have nothing at all in it right now, so I can't lose. I've decided quit while I'm ahead.

I think I will always have something to keep me busy. I've always been that way. If I just sit around with no project, I lose my mind. I get depressed without a goal. I see now I may never retire.

battle of the bulge - shore leave

I've been sick for a week, as a result, I've been curtailing my dieting. I think that a person can only really fight one battle at a time, and since infection is life-threatening, the battle of the bulge is in a temporary cease-fire. I've been doing very well, and I think I'm ahead of schedule. Besides, I'm not really binging per se, just indulging a bit more than usual. I probaly won't gain, I'll just won't lose either.

Next Tuesday, I'll go back full blast and probably include some light exercise too.

the losing battle: official update

I actually lost 3 pounds this week. The weight watchers website told me to slow down. It's hard for me to do that. I'm a "hard-charger"type. When I put my mind on something, I do it full-on. That is how I have survived, but now I have to learn to accept gradual change.

the losing battle update: the more you know....

I've been sick this past week and I decided not to count points and try to lose weight this week. I figure if my body needs extra calories to fight diseases and germs, who am I to deny my body for the sake of vanity.... I've lost two pounds this week so far, and weigh-in is tomorrow. How did this happen?

Most weight loss rely on something called a ECA stack. That means Ephedrine, Caffeine, and Aspirin. When taken together, they actually take weight off, but it can be dangerous, even deadly if abused. I've been taking cold remedy all week, which has an ephedrine substitute and a pain reliever similar to aspirin. I also drink hot tea for my throat, that is rich with caffeine. The end result is that I get the equivalent of a diet pill or two daily, which equals weight loss.

I've decided to rebuild my home gym. I don't need much equipment as I am not going to go at it heavy for a while. I just need to get moving and tone up a bit.

school daze

I just realized how hard this last semester is actually going to be. Cell biology will not be fun, A&P2 will be hard, Business Ethics will be super easy, I should prepare to spend most of my energy on CB until I have to take A&P2.


Since I'm graduating soon, I need to think about work. I must get a new job. I wish I could find something with above-average pay, but those seem to be taken.

frustration

I just realized that I can't realistically reach my goals, even after graduation.

bad week for diets

I'm doing great, but I just had a bad week. I was hungry! I'll be surprised if I lost any at all. I think the trick to success in the long run is to give in when you feel you need to, and tighten down the rest of the time. I need to start doing some weight work, or I'll lose a good chunk of my strength.