thanks Nate

I watched the video clip on my friend Nathan's site about the scientific seach for immortality. I found it depressing. There are so many questions that go unanswered for this.

If you can find a way to live forever:

1. Would you want to?
The first knee jerk response is yes. But what if you get bored, everyone around you dies, you're lonley, ect? The human condition is centered around the concept of a finite lifespan. Altering that alters us as humans.

2. What about overpopulation? If people stop dying, we got some problems. Earth can't fit all of us unless we stop breeding.

3. What does it speak of religon? If we really don't "have" to die, then what? Was God wrong? Was He ever even there?

The people were mostly atheists. They were spouting ideas I have only thought and kept to myself. The thought of nothing after death saddens me. Coming to the realization I won't get to talk to my long dead grandmother again, or go to whatever afterlife is like having grief all over again. It makes you question everything.

One of the scientists put it nicely. In a nutshell, he said just don't know what's out there and we have no reason to believe we know until it happens to us. If you die and there's nothing, you don't find out, you're just gone. He stated that he just didn't care to take that risk. Not that he had any choice, but he backs the research to prolong life indefinitly. He even supports cryogenic suspension "just in case" he doesn't get to that breakthrough during his natural lifespan.

I have made it very clear that I'm more agnostic, but I'm leaning toward atheism. I want to believe, but I can't bring myself to believe. I'm far too cynical.


Either way, it was an interesting clip and worth a watch, despite my feelings on the subject matter in general.

I guess I would try it, but I wouldn't want to spend forever alone. If everybody was doing it....wow.

Hey, I haven't seen you in 800 years! Drop by tomorrow, we have some catching up to do.

You know, law enforcement would be different. You've been found guilty of __________, your sentence is you lose your immortality. You get put on an island where you can't get whatever mojo you need to keep you young. Then you grow old and die. To live in a society where you never had to die, then be brought to terms with your own mortality that would be a horrific thing to grasp.

Nasty synergy

I've been working seven days for three weeks and I'm burning out. Best Buy is not a hard job, and I've come to enjoy it at least a bit. I still don't want to work there.

Robyn has been picking me up at night. Sometimes we go eat afterward. Last night we went to Shake & Steak. A guy came in as we were getting out food that cleared out half the restraunt. He was smoking a cigar.

Cigars do not offend me as much as cigarettes do, but still not what you want stinking up the whole place while you are trying to eat. He had a very creepy mannarism to him also that I can't quite put my finger on, it was like all of his actions were memorized an rehearsed, but acted with no feeling or sense of purpose.He was disheveled, dirty, and unshaven, his teeth were the color of mottled storm clouds and he smiled alot, they looked as though they were carved from mashed potatoes. As if they were just firm enough to hold their shape. His double chin was like a pot belly, round and overlapping. He drank a chocolate milk and puffed his cigar between sips and I could only imagine how nast that combination must be mixing in his unhealthy gullet. He could make Jabba the Hutt look svelt and dapper. I felt dirty just being in the same building with him. I mean dirty. I wanted to.....

1. Brush my teeth.
2. Shower.
3. Blow my nose.
4. Wipe my ass.
5. Wash my hands.
6. Eat a salad.
7. Change clothes.
8. Exersice.

I wanted to do whatever was needed to not be like that. The sickest part, was there was nothing "over the top" gross about the guy it was just a really good combination of small stuff. Nasty synergy - where the total output of grossness as a combined package is far great than the nastiness of the individual parts. He had nasty synergy. I want to put a poster of is repulsive ass on the inside of my front door, so that I am motivated to diet, exercise, acheive, and practice good hygene.


Jim has told me that we may be gaming again soon. An old familiar gamer may be joining us. Dave, the guy who ran the first two D&D games I played in with Jim is interested in joining up. We'll see. Working two jobs and finding a common free time could be tricky.

If I can wrangle a free day, then it'll all be good. The ideal time would be Staurday nights. Robyn's working, all my "normal" friends have off as well. Only I don't have Saturdays off...... The only sure day for me is Tuesday of Wedensday even so, I'm not sure I want to play every week.

My car is close to being finished, meaning Harmon called me to tell me that he was putting my car in his shop and will be working on it this week. We'll see.....

denied

At 15.5k a year, I make too much money for financial aid. I guess the 13 and change after taxes is more than enough to live on and to better yourself. I like to break it down. S here it goes....

15,000 <-- what I made.

13,500 <-- after taxes

- 10800 <--- annual living expenses that include: rent & utlilites ONLY.

____________

2700 <--- is my annual superflous cash...too bad I have not ate, nor bought clothes, nor put gas in a car.


4200 <--- is $30 a week in gas and a reasonable food allowance for a year.

- 1500 <--- the annual deficit from my day job vs. my living expenses (which are not extravigant) hence my part time job.


So, although I cannot afford many things in life, I must put myself into debt in order to have a better quality of life.


You know, if I were not a white male, I might be eligible for aid under my circumstances. I won't spend too much time sulking, or assigning blame.I want to find a way through this and succeed.

baby steps

Last night, I went home with the resolve to clean up all my main rooms, then after dinner, my knee started killing me. I'm mean barely walk pain. I sat out and played a little gunbound, talked to Robyn, and listened to some XM. About 10:00, my knee felt better, I cleaned my kitchen and it looks good again. I'm going to want to detail scrub the floors at a later point. The downside of grout is it is usually put in the homes of poeple who are neater and more together than I am.....and for very good reason. They require care and upkeep to continue looking nice and I'm not much on that stuff.

My parents want me to do work under their house. I did some of it last week. A heating duct fell and has turned the crawl-space into an incubator for the most foul mold.I was under there for 15 minutes and came out with a headache and a low grade fever. Now they want to me to go back and repair the duct as well as run a vapor barrier. I want an oxygen supply and a hazmat suit.

2 weeks.....no car

The fellow working on he CV is taking his sweet time, as expected. I've learned I'm not as dependant on a car as I thought. I won't really NEED a car until I go to college. The Vic is a comfortable ride, but not practical. I was thinking about my ideal car. They are as follows.

1. Mechanically sound
2. Very cheap on gas
3. Affordable price wise
4. Comfortable.

If price were no object and I could afford whatever. I do have a list of cars I'd preferr.

1. Hummer H2 - I just like them. Nothing says "I have more than you!! nyaa nyaa nyaa" like the H2.

2. Mercrury Merauder It is a souped up Grand Maquis / Crown Vic, Basically a 4 door luxury Mustang Cobra. Does Mustang Cobra sound wierd to anyone other than me? It's like something Napoleon Dynamite would have drawn. " It a Mustang Cobra half horse - half poisonous snake, feared for it's skills in magic. Idiot!"

3. Dodge Viper - This car runs on testosterone. Panties melt within a 200 yd radius of a Viper. Mind you, I'm not looking, but I like to be looked at.

4. Ford F-150 crew cab 4x4 sport. The truck is just awesome to me. I'd put 33" tires on it.
Every redneck would give up thier Dale Earnhardt swag to be you when you drive by.

Hell, any car would be decent about now.

Cruel intentions

http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,18161866%255E663,00.html

The above link goes to the Bali Nine herion trafficking trial. The two ringleaders recieved death sentences by firing squad the remainder were life in prison. Sounds harsh to western ears, but in a part of the world where shoplifting can get 20 years, not so much. So I thought a little commentary is in order.

I feel little mercy for drug dealers. They chose to traffick in Bali because of the high profit. There is such a high profit because there is such a risk if caught. More than a few Eastern countries offer up a death sentence for brining illegal drugs into thier country and I can't say I blame them. They have seen the ravages of drug abuse first hand and made a hard decision on a hard problem, and who are we to judge? Perhaps we are way too soft on drugs and thier traffickers. How many lives are ruined in our country due the the devastating effects of drugs?

These nine, from 19 to 26 in age, have sent a message that millions will hear: don't bring your drugs to Bali. If nine willing law breakers pay a heavy price for thier crimes, is it worth it?

The saddest part is, I actually approve of the legalization a marijuna. The taxible revenue would do wonders. I think there would be residual benifits I can't even imagine, but if a country takes a hard stance against drugs, should we feel bad about their plight? I can't say I do.

valentine's day blues

I have the night off, but my g/f has to work a double tonight. No Valentines for us. I'm so broke with my car situation right now that I couldn't do anything anyway. While i'm listening to internet radio and eating ramen noodles, I'll be thinking of her.

The only positive of this situation is that I reall need to do laundry.

The completely overblown gas prices make me want to look into electric heat. If I had not had a $250 heating bill, I'd be a tad better off money - wise, the car situation didn't help either....

Guilford College seems to be interested in getting me financial aid to start up this summer. I'm not approved for any yet, so here's to hope. I might actually look good on paper.

Robyn's family sees me like a family member. I guess that's cool, I've been around for about 8 years now and deep down I'm a nice guy.

Nice guys finish last, I need to be more hateful.

one anticipation for another

Dear Michael:

Congratulations! I am pleased to inform you that the Admission Committee has approved your application to Guilford College.........

I think reading that sentence was the closest I've come to crying in a long time. My responses have been tempered with the reality that getting approved was only one small step. Now, I must get funded. Then I must do the difficult part. Actually doing it. It would not be unreasonable for me to be able to complete in 18 months. I just hope it all works out.

Robyn is really working hard on her studies. I'm very proud of her. Maybe we'll be getting to the point where we'll be successful about the same time. I know I'm sick of being broke.

Sometimes I feel adrift in the sea of poor life choices I've made. Swimming against a current of difficulties I, myself placed. I think having no purpose is alot like being lost at sea. It seems so hopeless you don't if you should stay the course and hope that you do not succumb to attrition, or perhaps meet you maker early with a quick and merciful death.

Stupidity is like a desert a noon, the unpleasantness of it saturates every pore and there is not one morsel of your body that is not miserable for the experience.

anticipation

I have no clue as to how long it takes for a school to consider you for thier program, but it's been several weeks now since I sent in the transcript forms. After I get approved, if I get approved, I must apply for finacial aid. Without financial aid, I will be unable to finish school. If I can't get up to the next level. I must quit this job as it will not be providing for my needs. I guess the cynic in me is lurking about. I'm seeing to obstacles in my path and they are daunting. I can barely afford to live, let alone do anything else. I came to the realization that if things don't work out with school, I might as well move away.

Putting the tranny in my Crown Vic is going to wipe me out this month. So the other car I want to investigate in a no-go. I decided against trying to by a new car in lieu of getting the Vic going as my source of basic transportation. I figue if I can keep myself afloat for this month, $600 is a big pill in one gulp at my pay scale, but easier than 100-200 a month plus taxes and extended insurance for 3-6 years.

Sunday, Robyn helped me with my spare room. She has a knack for organization that I may never posess. She is a relativly disorganized person, so that speaks volumes against me. She is helping me on the road to being more organized. I help her pass tests. I think all good relationships are ones where strengths and weaknesses are balanced between the two and you help make each other a better, stronger person. It's kind of hard to lift someone up when you're flat on your back, but I do what I can. Now that my back room is all but clean, I can get my exercise equipment in there. That will get me toward another goal. The motivation to do it will all be on me.

I said something this week that made me feel bad. Robyn and I were talking about faith and religon. Neither of us have strong spiritual ties. In fact, our lives to date make us kind of un-religous. She relates more to Wicca, I'm more into Buddism, not for any spiritual aspect, just the philosophy. We talked about Islam and Christianity and how so few people seem to be representig God the it's described. She was talking about how can she believe in God when it seems like every person trying to screw her is a church - going Christian. I said said that emotionally, I want to believe, but if God wanted me to believe in him, he would find away to convince me. Cyclical logic won't cut it if you want me to be convinced of intellegent design.

Sometimes I think religon is like Sata Clause, it's was created with a purpose, it's well thought out, and there's just enough truth to it to make it work. And when you believe, it seems to work. If you really believe in anything, your mind works in ways as to see it. Also, if you're a decent non-believer, you won't try to burst that bubble for those whom thier faith is all they have.

Money and happiness

"money can't buy happiness" - some idiot

My long held belief was that money can buy happiness, but it was argued in such a way that I changed my view just a bit. Money can do a lot of thing that can help you be happier, it can relieve alot of worries, but past having your needs met, more money will not make you any happier. In fact, too much money can bring misery.

Money can't buy happiness does not apply to the people who struggle. Money can buy the destitue some measure of content.

politics.......

I guess that as you get older, politics become a part of your life. The interest in them at any rate......

I'm voting straight democrat this election year just to see if we can get enough Dems in the house to oust "W". We need relief from his madness.

Let's see what's happening......

Offers up NCLB (no child left behind) that not only does not work, he had funding cut for public schools.

Wages a war that nobody can justify. Even after being admitted that it was started on falsified information, it's still going on.

Says it's all for promoting democracy, yet our war supplies come from a communist nation, China.

Our constitutional rights are being trimmed away.

The Supreme Court is being filled with like-minded people. I can only assume it's to rid us of those pesky rights so "W" can be charged.

We've sunk billions into a war on terror that is not helping us. We are not any safer now that we were at 9-11, nor will we benefit from it in any way I can figure out. At the same time, we cut eduction, federal aid to students, and social security.

Corporations and special interests now control the United States and most likely have for a very long time.

loose change

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2023320890224991194

Loose change is a 9-11 conspiracy theory documentary about 1 hour long that get you thinking. There is some hokey science at play there but there are also some good points and interesting facts.

I myself am fairly internet saavy. I've seen jokes and hoaxes galore to the point that they become glaringly obvious at first glance. The statments mde and the argument presented make me wonder what's up. I actually want to research it now.

This title not to be confused with my bank statement........

water.....

I'm back on my water kick. I have a 64oz insulated jug at school I sip on all day. My bad sleep habits keep me from getting up in time for a good breakfast regularly, so I guess that going to bed earlier will be my next thing.

My workout room wil be prepared soon and I'll beging my slow path towards getting in shape. Even as we speak, the Vic is getting the tranny work done and it will be road - ready hopefully by the end of the week. In the mean time, I'm coasting on fumes.

I recently found an older Mercury Grand Marquis, as in 1984 older, that apparently has 34k original miles, If this be the case. It is a very rare find indeed. Buying it and getting the beast on the road will be quite a feat considering my limited resources. I would sideline the vic project but I already told the mechanic to start on it. I might just sell off some stuff to get it all together. Two running cars: the pizzaman's dream. With Robyn's car reaching th 240k mark and falling to Hell, I might need a spare really soon. And maybe a year down the road, I'll do the ranger v8 conversion.

I said it before, I feel like I've hit my stride in my day job and it only stands that I should move upto a point where I can get more pay. With more money, i wouldn't be worrying with all this BS.

yeah, I'm a slacker

I'll have my Crown Vic on the road again soon. Yeah, It's ugly as sin, but I think it will be a very reliable vehicle with a new tranny. I originally wanted to put the engine in my Ranger, but I wanted it to go in with fuel injection, but Harmon doesn't feel comfortable doing it. He's more old school like that. So, if I want him to do the V-8 conversion, it has to be carbed.

I'e been told the Mustang GT is an ideal match, but darn hard to find a whole car that is worth it as a parts donor. I have actually seen one of these and talked to the man that did it. "Not too easy, but not as hard as you'd think for a whole custom swap. Almost everything matched up perfectly." And it was a beast, too.

Since I'm on a junkyard budget, I'll wait untill the perfect deal comes up. I missed out on a perfect 302 for $100 dollars.....oh well. That project will need to wait abit, I suppose. If I can hold off on buying a car, I might try to get a motorcycle. They are much cheaper on gas after all.

Resolutions....

Last year, I resolved to take up reading books again. Sadly, I say again, but I've never been a big reader. I'm an excellent reader, but I never really had the time. Last year, before my house burned down, I was reading Interview with the Vampire. I have yet to find the book again so I have not picked it back up. Before Christmas, I picked up Dune, Herbert Walker's sci fi masterpiece. I didn't have much time to dive into it and honestly, it can be a rough plow at first. I'm over half way through and finding my self upset that in less than a week, I'll be done. I like to savor the text. I allow the words to soak in and give me a deep, vivid mental image. I usually only read in bed, I might need to change that ritual, give myself an hour or so before bed time to read. When reading myself into mental exhaustion, I fall into dreamy sleep. I like that the most.

Last night I slipped into a dream of walking the deep desert of Arrakis. I stayed to the rocky areas and watched the great worms in the distance. One was being ridden by a Fremen to some unknown, hidden sietch.

I'm slowly hacking away at my spare bedroom/ junkpile. I planned on geting into shape and being more organized this year. When the room is cleaned out, I'll be more organized and I'll convert it into a workout room. Working on two at once.....

The last one was school. I procrastinated to the point that I need to re-apply for financial aid, but I did apply, my trasncript request has been filled. Now I'll re-do my aid papers as soon as my new W-2's come in. By the second week in February, I'll be done with it all. Then, in two years......I'll be 34 and I'll have all the tools at my disposal to carve out a decent life for myself.

favored cars

I'm having to do the car scramble this year. Not a fun thing, but the Honda is falling appart at the seams and Isn't really worth fixing. I was hoping to do something decent with it, but it just won't happen now. I'm not close enough to a solution on the ranger. So with little less than a few hundred I can throw at the problem, and not really being in a "make payments" stage of finance. I'm going to put a tranny in my old '91 Crown Vic police cruiser and drive it for awhile. It's big, ugly, and beat up....everything execpt the motor, that is. It has a fine EFI 5.0, and the interior is not too bad either. With a decent stereo, I could drive it a few years.

I have owned/ had regular use of the following vehicles in my life.

1. 1966 Oldsmobile 442. My first car. It was a cool old muscle car that was too much of a project the day it was bought. Unfortunately, it was a great source of grief. My Dad and I referred to it as a "thosemobile" since it was an odd model that you could not find parts for.

2. 1979 Monte Carlo. This was actually my mom's car, but I drove it alot while waiting for parts for the thosemobile. I did like this car alot.

3. 1982 Ford conversion van. My Grandad's pimp ride. It was a heaving hunk of garbage that he let me borrow from time to time. It was a rolling motel. Perfect for teenage dating. Personally, I'd kill the boy that drove up to pick up my daughter in a van knowing what I know now.

4. 1979 Datsun B210 hatchback. My mom's paper car, and my back & forth car after keeping up the Old's was too much.

5. 1987 Nissan 300 zx. A very sweet ride. I liked this car the most of all.

6. 1983 Datsun 280zx. "ghettolicious" just called ghetto for short, mostly because it looked like a ghetto, toren to shreds, scary-looking, and illegal. It had an exaust leak in the car and I may have suffered brain damage from the carbon monoxide, but past that it was the fastest car I've owned.

7. 1982 Datsun 210 sedan. As big of a piece of crap as this car was, I loved it. Super cheap on gas (35 +). Alas, if I had the money to upkeep this car, I'd prolly still have it today.

8. 85 & 89 sentra project. I bought two Nissan Sentras for under $300 and wanted to "make a car" one had a great body, the other had a great engine. I messed up the wiring harness. Other wise, I did good. But the car project was a failure.

9. 92 Crown Victoria. I bought this car for $600

10. 91 Crown Vic. A monsterously powerful ex-cop car that has a bad tranny.

11. 1985 Honda Accord. This should be an awesome car....but it's an awesome disaster.

12. 1985 Ford Ranger shortbed. A fixer upper that was a hit and victim then burned down. A shame too, it had great potential....

13. 1985 Ford Ranger longbed. Undaunted, I bought a $200 project truck. I've not done too much with yet.

14. 1980 Honda CB650. My first motorcycle. It was garbage, but I loved it.

15. 1983 Honda Magna 750. A very fast bike indeed.

16. 1996 Honda Magna Deluxe. This was my only brand new vehicle. I sold it to afford college and I miss it dearly.

I promised myself 2 things. When I get my BA degree, I'm buying a new car, then I'm buying a motorcycle.

of things lost

I was cleaning out my junk room this week. I find it amazing how easy it is to hold onto useless things "just because". If they were to be lost, it's like "oh well", but you can't physically part with these things. I wish I knew what makes a pack rat horde things.

I chucked three of the 30 gallon trash bags full of crap. Old pillows, stained shirts, power cords to electronic devises I may or may not own. I even have old raggedy furniture that is of no use to me, but still, someone gave it to me......

I guess I'm just a recovering packrat. I need a packrat support group.

Hi. I'm Michael, and I'm a packrat.

Hi Michael

Yeah, I've been keeping too much stuff. I don't know how it came to this. It just piles up and I can't get rid of it and I don't know what to do with it. I can barely walk through my house any more. I went into a closet yesterday and ....it all happened so fast....the contents came pouring out and crushed fluffy! I knew I needed help.

Well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the idea.

The burning question was "If if store it away to the point where it is inaccessable, do I even really own it anymore?"

realizations galore

My efforts to return to school have been redoubled. I just realized that I could be making double what I make now in under two years if I go ahead and get it done.

I'm sickened that the cost of everything has doubled but my rate of pay is the same. In 1996 I was getting paid about $10 an hour, worked 35 hrs a week, and I was on top of the world. Today I work 60+ and I mostly broke. What happened? Corrupt government. A dirty criminal and his cronies are in the White House today and look at the mess. Wages have not significantly increased in 10 years, but everything else has.

In 1996:

1. Gas prices in this area ranged from .95/gal - 1.25/gal

2. Dinner for two at a restaurant like Applebee's was under $20.

In 2006:

1. Gas prices range from 2.25/gal - 3.00+/gal

2. A dinner for two at Applebee's is $35 - $45.

AND WE'RE STILL GETTING THE SAME CHECK FROM 10 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!

Oil & energy companies are reporting record profits. Yet almost every other sector is taking a beating and nobody else sees the connection. What do we need to do as a country to make this work? If people could live comfortably on one job's wages, you could have a better job market. I know I don't want to work any more than necessary.

I would daresay that two simple fixes are needed to give this country a much needed boost.

1. Get better control of our energy needs.
2. Legalize a certain substance and use the taxable income, which is in the billions, to fund other gov't programs.

Of course holding all current lawmakers accountable for the actions of their laws would be nice too.

XM 3 day trial

On Sunday, I did a 3 day trail of XM. I liked it. I thought subscription radio was a silly idea, but it's really quite nice. About 100 crystal clear, commercial free stations that play non-stop. Sounds cheesy, but I'm really considering popping for it. I've had a pretty bad problem with broadcast radio.....it's horrible. Too many commercials, the same 12 weak songs all day. I listen to mostly talk radio since the rest is almost completly un-listenable. I don't want to spend any more money, but I figure what the heck 13 a month won't kill me.

Dark Days Ahead

The Winter of Discontent is January for me. I get paid twice in December due to the holidays. I get caught up, buy a few presents, and then try to ride out January without another big check untill February. My car is a disaster. I won't put anymore money into it at this point, and it could die at any moment. My truck is in limbo untill Harmon recouperates so that's a no-go. And even if it were to be fixed, I can't pay for it. I have just enough food and cash to make it through. I know that my returning to college relys on my ability to A). Get financial aid, and B). Have a reliable means of transportation to get me there.

On the positive front, I talked to my manager at BB. She'll give me more hours if I open up my availability. I'm cool with that so long as I don't have to run into the idiot I've had problems with. Since he mostly works in the morning, I don't see that as a problem. He could mess it up for me though, so I might need to just explore other options.

It looks like my RPG days are over. I put out an offer to run a game for awhile and nobody went for it, so I give up. I've tried to get a group together with miserable effect in the past and I refuse to put such effort into something like that again. I'd consider walking into a pre-assembled group, if the situation was right.

I think my healthy step this month is to drink more water and plan healthy meals for lunch and breakfast. I think 1/2 cup of oatmeal or an egg will do. Lunch will either be grilled chicken or pork, or a salad. Sugar and starchy foods are my weakness. When I cut out sweets and bread I drop weight like mad. Next month might be exercise time. Since I won't be hosting a game now, I'll take the junk room I was going to convert into a game room, and make a wieght room. I need to be in shape before I shave my head.